Necessary Evil

by Donald Hanley

  Human sexuality is a complicated and controversial subject. Homosexuals, in both male and female variants, have been around forever, and transsexuals in one form or another have appeared throughout recorded history. But just in the eighteen years I’ve been alive, we’re now dealing with bisexuals, metrosexuals, asexuals, pansexuals, and omnisexuals. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that contrasexuals, ubersexuals, and antidisestablishmentariasexuals were a thing. These are confusing times, especially for young adolescents.

  I don’t believe homosexuality is a choice but I also don’t think it’s “natural,” in the sense that the species as a whole benefits from two boys or girls breeding, since they can’t. However, it doesn’t matter to me if two people of the same gender fall in love. As long as the individuals in question are happy being together, I’m good with that.

  That said, I have to confess that I get very uncomfortable when I see two men holding hands or kissing in public. I’m not going to complain about it or insist that they’ll burn in Hell for it, but I’ll turn away and pretend it never happened. Two girls making out, though, is the hottest thing on the planet. Like I said, these are confusing times.

  “Dark Angel to White Knight, over.”

  I stared at my phone and then exchanged a look with Susie in the passenger seat beside me. “Huh?”

  “Peter,” Melissa sighed over the speaker, “those are our call signs.”

  “Why do we need call signs?”

  “We don’t, I’m just trying to lighten the mood.”

  “Oh. Well, go ahead, Dark Angel. Um, over.”

  “Don’t patronize me, Peter.”

  “I wasn’t, I was just – Never mind. What’s up?”

  “I just pulled up in front of your house.”

  “Any imps?”

  “I’m checking. Hang on.” The call went silent and I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel nervously. We were parked about a mile from the house beside an empty lot but I scanned the area anyway. The only sign of life in the area was a couple of birds hopping around the grass looking for bugs.

  I glanced back at the middle seat to see how the others were doing. Olivia looked understandably uneasy in her replacement dress. It was a lighter blue than the original and it had short sleeves and a low-cut neckline, but it was the closest match we could find in Melissa’s collection. Daraxandriel sat close beside her, her fingers intertwined with Olivia’s, but that appeared to be a ploy to keep Olivia from stroking her tail again. The appendage in question was draped across Olivia’s legs like a snake sunning on a rock.

  “I’m back.” Melissa sounded a bit breathless. “There was one hiding under your car but I got it.”

  “Mom must be home. Does the car look okay? No scratches or anything?”

  “It’s fine, Peter.” I imagined her rolling her eyes.

  “Good. Are you going to check the back?”

  “Give me a sec. Shadow Step isn’t easy, you know.”

  “Don’t strain yourself,” I cautioned her, “but make it fast. Dad’s going to be wondering what’s taking us so long.”

  “Contradictory orders aren’t helpful. Peter. I’ll call you when I’m done. Dark Angel out.” The call dropped and I leaned back with a sigh.

  “What’s my call sign?” Susie asked. She had her pink backpack cradled in her arms.

  “Annoying Sister.”

  She shook her head. “Too long. How about Fire Gem?” She flexed her fingers, making the diamonds flicker briefly.

  “That sounds like a Saturday morning cartoon with dragons and fairies.” I glanced in the rearview mirror. Ghost Girl and Red Sonja were watching us with dubious expressions.

  “You might want to hide that sword somewhere,” I told Daraxandriel, nodding at the blade propped up against the seat beside her. “Dad’s probably searching for the weapon that beheaded Alex Nader.”

  “I did that,” Susie reminded me.

  “Do not tell Dad that. Are you ready?” I asked Olivia. “Dad’s going to interrogate you as soon as we walk through the door.”

  “I’m ready,” she said with a shaky nod. “I was with you the whole time, I don’t know what Lilith is planning, and this is the same dress I wore yesterday.”

  “Perfect.” We’d wadded the dress up and walked on it to make it looked like it had been worn for a couple of days. Hopefully that, combined with the lingering after-effects of Bewilder, would be enough to fool Dad.

  I checked the time, wondering what was taking Melissa so long. It felt like an hour since she hung up but it was more like two minutes. How long does it take to clear imps out of a residential property? I was willing to be Google didn’t have an answer for that.

  My phone rang and I stabbed the answer button. “Melissa? Is everything okay?”

  “Everything’s fine,” she assured me. “There were three imps out back but the alley’s clear now. Come on in.” The yawn that followed set a new Guinness world record for duration.

  “Are you all right?” I asked worriedly.

  “I’m fine,” she insisted, “just a bit worn out. I had to stay in Shadow Step the whole time so they wouldn’t see me coming. I just need to rest my eyes for a bit, that’s all.”

  “Okay, go inside and let Mom know we’ll be there in a minute. Use the front door,” I added, in case she’d gotten too used to stealthing through walls.

  “Roger that,” she said, in a voice that strongly suggested she was rolling her eyes again. “Dark Angel out.”

  She hung up and I put the van in drive. It actually took us three minutes to reach the house since I stayed well under the posted speed limit to watch for imps along the way, but Melissa had executed her mission perfectly and we pulled into the garage unobserved.

  Mom was in the kitchen checking something in the oven and she looked up in obvious relief as the four of us trooped in. “There you are!” she exclaimed, wiping her hands on her apron. “I was beginning to get worried.”

  “We’re fine,” I assured her. “I guess Dad told you what’s happening.”

  “Yes,” she said, shuddering. “I can hardly believe it. Hellburn’s always been such a quiet little town. And to think Lilith is behind all this. You must be so heartbroken, Dara.”

  Daraxandriel shook her head. “Nay,” she said grimly. “Her continued existence is a blight upon this world. Her life is forfeit.” She brandished her sword and we all ducked out of the way.

  “Perhaps we shouldn’t swing weapons in the house,” Mom told her hastily. “Why don’t you just put that up until you need it?”

  “An I must,” she agreed reluctantly, “yet it needs must be cleaned and whetted ere I use it again. Dost thou have a solvent for demon blood, Dame Collins?” She rubbed at the mottling on the blade with her finger, to no avail.

  “I’m pretty sure I don’t but maybe silver polish will work just as well. Just put it on the counter out of the way and I’ll see what I can do. Welcome back, Olivia,” she added warmly. “Did you enjoy the sleepover?”

  “Yes, thank you, Mrs. Collins,” Olivia replied shyly. “It was ... interesting.” Considering that she slept through one demon attack, killed another demon with her bare hands, was nearly killed by a third, and participated, albeit unwillingly, in an all-female skinny-dip, calling it interesting was a bit of an understatement. “I think yeep!”

  She suddenly staggered sideways when Daraxandriel went to place her sword behind the sink, since her tail had wrapped itself around Olivia’s wrist like a leash. The three of them had a brief scuffle as Daraxandriel tried to free herself and the tail hung on for dear life.

  “Well, it looks like you’ve made a new friend,” Mom observed uncertainly, “but maybe you should let Dara have her tail back. How about you, Susie?” she asked hopefully. “Did you have a good time?”

  Susie considered the question. “I killed a demon lord,” she said. “That was fun.”

  “Ha-ha, good one, Susie!” I jumped in hurriedly. “Always the comedian.”

 
“Susie doesn’t have a sense of humor,” Mom said doubtfully.

  “Well, yes, but she says things that don’t always make sense and that’s practically the same thing,” I argued.

  “I suppose,” Mom sighed. “But you’re wearing jewelry now, Susie? Where did you get all those rings?”

  “Melissa gave them to me,” she said, holding her hands up to admire them.

  “Melissa loaned them to you,” I reminded her sternly. “Speaking of which, where is she?”

  “Melissa?” Mom echoed surprise. “Isn’t she with you? Your father said she’d be staying with us until her parents get back.”

  “She came in her own car. She said she was here already.” An uneasy knot formed in the pit of my stomach. “I’ll check out front.”

  I dropped my backpack on the floor and all but ran to the front door. Before I could yank it open, though, Dad came out of his office. He was still wearing his uniform and, more ominously, his gun belt.

  “Peter,” he nodded somberly, “welcome back. Sorry we had to interrupt your party.”

  “No, that’s okay,” I assured him, eyeing the door anxiously.

  “Are you going somewhere?” he frowned.

  “No! Melissa’s out front.” At least I really hoped she was. “I was just going to, uh, help her with her stuff.”

  “All right. Just keep everyone inside the house, please.” Susie walked by on her way to her bedroom, ignoring us completely, and his eyes strayed to the kitchen. “Is that the same dress Olivia wore yesterday?” He didn’t sound entirely convinced of that.

  “Yes, absolutely!” I winced at how over-emphatic that sounded but Dad just nodded thoughtfully.

  “Olivia!” he called. She turned around, startled. “Could I speak with you for a minute, please?”

  She gulped audibly but nodded. “Yes, sir,” she said, casting a worried look at Daraxandriel before carefully removing the tail from her arm again and approaching us with her hands clasped together nervously. “Sir?”

  “Let’s talk in my office.” Dad stepped aside and Olivia went in meekly.

  Now I was torn. I had to find out what happened to Melissa but one wrong word from Olivia and the whole thing would blow up on us. Dad solved my dilemma for me by closing his door behind him. I sent a silent prayer to whichever god was in charge of situations like this and went outside.

  A silver Lincoln sedan sat by the curb behind the Mustang but I couldn’t see through its tinted windows. I hurried over and peered through the driver’s window, shading my eyes with my hands, and saw Melissa just sitting there with her eyes closed.

  “Melissa? Are you okay?” I tapped on the window but there was no reaction. I tried the door and it opened. She seemed to be asleep, her chest rising and falling slowly. “Melissa?” Still nothing. I gently shook her shoulder. “Melissa, wake up.”

  “See, a real boyfriend would have woken me up with a kiss.” Her eyes were still closed but she puckered her lips.

  “This is no time to be fooling around,” I told her, relieved and annoyed at the same time. “I was worried about you!”

  She shook her head with a sigh and looked up at me. “That’s the problem with you, Peter,” she grumbled, “you never want to fool around. Move.” She pushed me out of the way and climbed out.

  “I’m a bit busy trying to keep everyone alive!” I protested.

  “Yeah, yeah.” She opened the back door and extracted a large travel case. She shoved it into my arms and then she stacked her briefcase and her purse on top before removing a garment bag. She bumped the door closed with her hip, locked the car, and headed for the front door. “Hurry up, I want to hang this up before everything gets wrinkled.”

  “I’m not your slave, you know,” I groused.

  “Good one.” She waltzed straight into the house, leaving me to close the front door without any hands. “Hello, Mrs. Collins.”

  “Hello, Melissa,” Mom greeted her, coming out of the kitchen. “I’m so sorry you have to stay with us for a while.”

  “It’s fine, I don’t mind,” Melissa assured her. “I’ll be in Peter’s room, right?” She headed down the hall with Mom following in her wake.

  “Wait, what?” They both ignored me.

  “Well, I’m not sure what the best arrangement is,” Mom apologized. “Dara and Peter normally sleep together, except when Lilith was here, of course.”

  “Where did Peter sleep then?”

  “On the couch in the den, but that’s only large enough for one. Could you sleep with Susie, maybe? Dara and Susie don’t really get along and Olivia’s a special guest. I can’t ask her to sleep with anyone else.”

  “Susie’s not really my type.” Melissa stood in the doorway to my room and surveyed it thoughtfully. “Would she even agree to double up?”

  “No.” We all heard that clearly through Susie’s door.

  “Well,” said Mom, clearing her throat, “maybe we should wait and see what Olivia and Dara have to say.”

  “Concerning what matter?” Daraxandriel asked, walking up behind me.

  “The sleeping arrangements.” Melissa went into my room and looked for a hook to hang her garment bag on. “Peter, just put my stuff on the bed until we get everything sorted out.” She opened the closet, studied the wall of clothing facing her, and finally just hung the bag over the closet door.

  “Yes, master,” I muttered as I obeyed. Thankfully she didn’t hear me.

  “These are my chambers,” Daraxandriel protested.

  “Actually, they’re mine,” I pointed out. None of the women paid me any heed.

  “It’s just temporary,” Melissa reminded her. “Peter and I are moving in together in three days.” She eyed the contents of my room critically. “Haven’t you started packing yet?”

  “That’ll take all of twenty minutes,” I told her. “There’s plenty of time.”

  “Nonsense, there’s no sense in procrastinating. Where are your boxes?”

  “Boxes?”

  “Moving boxes. To pack your things in.” She heaved a sigh at my expression and turned to Mom. “Mrs. Collins, do you have any boxes we can use?”

  “We might have some in the garage. I’ll go check.”

  “Thanks,” Melissa told her with a warm smile that vanished as soon as Mom was out of sight. “I’m beginning to wonder if you really want to move in with me, Peter.” Her eyes had a dangerous glint.

  “It’s not that!” I protested. “I’ve just been really busy.”

  “We’ve all been busy but somehow the rest of us manage to get things done.” She sat down on my bed and bounced experimentally. “You need a new mattress.”

  “It’s perfectly fine,” I argued sourly. “Right, Dara?”

  “Nay, thou art mistaken, Peter Simon Collins,” Daraxandriel told me. “In truth it does strain my back in certain positions.”

  “What sort of positions?” Melissa asked with narrowed eyes.

  “It doesn’t matter anyway,” I forged on. “Dara can sleep here since she’s used to it and you can take the couch in the den.”

  “What about you and Olivia, then? Where are you two going to sleep?”

  “We’re sleeping together?” Olivia appeared in the doorway looking aghast. “Peter!”

  “No, that’s not what she meant! You and I don’t need to sleep, so everyone gets their own bed. Problem solved.”

  “Why don’t we need to sleep?” she asked doubtfully.

  “Because I have the Philosopher’s Stone to keep me awake and you can just turn back into a ghost overnight.”

  “I can’t do that!” Her ears were turning pink again.

  “Why not?”

  “Because –” Olivia looked around at the others listening in and moved closer to me. “Because my nightgown is ruined,” she whispered.

  “Still?” I asked, surprised. “It didn’t get fixed when I healed you?” She shook her head. “Well, it’s not like –” I stopped. Reminding her that I’d already seen her in the altoget
her wasn’t going to make her feel any better about the situation. “So that’s why you stayed human all this time? You don’t want me to see you as a ghost?” She nodded, unable to meet my eyes.

  “So that leaves us with three people and two beds,” Melissa observed pointedly. “Who gets the couch and who’s sharing the bed?” The three girls eyed each other but no one volunteered an opinion. Obviously none of them wanted the couch but they also weren’t thrilled with the idea of pairing up.

  I finally dug into my pocket and pulled out two quarters and a nickel. “Here,” I said, “let’s settle this fairly.” I distributed the coins, one to each of them. “Flip them and whoever gets matching heads or tails get the bed. Odd man out – odd woman out, I mean – gets the couch. Okay?”

  Melissa inspected her nickel doubtfully. “What if they’re all the same?”

  “Then just flip again. There’s only a one-in-four chance of getting all heads or all tails. Ready?” They all gave their unenthusiastic assent and balanced their coins on their thumbs. “Okay, on three. One, two, three.”

  Melissa flipped hers and snatched it out of the air, slapping it on the back of her hand. Daraxandriel caught hers in both hands and peered at it, while Olivia had to chase hers across the floor before finally corralling it. “Sorry,” she apologized breathlessly.

  “All right, show me what you have. Melissa, tails. Olivia, heads. Dara, heads. There you go. Melissa gets the couch.” Daraxandriel and Olivia looked at each other like I’d just told them to eat their peas or there wouldn’t be any dessert, while Melissa glared at her nickel for betraying her.

  “So, Olivia,” I hurried on before anyone demanded a recount, “how did it go with Dad? You’re not wearing handcuffs, at least.”

  “No, it was fine,” she said, tucking her hair behind her ear, “but he asked me if I wanted to call my parents and tell them I was all right.” She looked miserable when she said that.

  “What did you tell him?” I asked uneasily. Olivia’s parents just buried her a short while ago but we told Dad they were in on Prescott’s scheme to catch Lily Cantrell. Them hearing their dead daughter’s voice on the phone would be a disaster of epic proportions.