A Child's Wish

by Tara Taylor Quinn

  He stared at her and slowly started to smile. “You are too much,” he said.

  “Yeah, I know, but I’m still nice to have around.”

  Mark brushed the hair back from her face and ran his fingers down to the bottom of the strand. “That’s an understatement,” he said.

  Kelsey’s doctor, coming from the little girl’s room, interrupted, saving Meredith from throwing her arms around her soon-to-be ex-boss.

  “YOU WANT A GLASS of wine?”

  She should go. Again. They’d had dinner. Kelsey was asleep in her own bed with Gilda by her side.

  Reaching for her bag, Meredith glanced at Mark, standing in the archway to the living room, wine bottle and two glasses in hand, and let her arm drop.

  “Yeah.” It had been a long two days, getting Kelsey home, Meredith going back to work on Thursday to face the sympathies of her coworkers and worries from many of her students. By voting non-reemployment instead of dismissal, the school board had agreed to let her finish out the year. She wasn’t sure that had been a kind move—for anyone.

  “Was today any easier than yesterday?” he asked, handing her a filled goblet.

  “About the same.” He sat down next to her on the couch, something he’d never done before. Meredith’s nerves responded with a leap. “Monday should be better.”

  “I’ll be back then.”

  He was close and it felt good. Too good. While he was only her boss for another month or two, they were far too different to ever coexist peacefully.

  “Kelsey still isn’t saying much about her mother,” she said, reminding herself why she was there. And why she wasn’t.

  They’d all been through so much. Kelsey needed her. And she needed Kelsey, too. Mark had a lot of emotional reparation to oversee—with himself and his daughter. None of them needed to deal with the complications of a doomed sexual attraction.

  “She starts counseling next week.”

  Sipping wine, Meredith stared at the golden liquid in her glass, getting lost in the sparkle. And then set it on the table. “She blames herself.”

  “I was afraid of that.”

  “She’s piled so much on her own shoulders right now, it’s amazing she can even stand up.”

  “Because she drank something she thought was lemonade?”

  “Because she exposed her mother’s drug dealings, she took drugs herself, she let that boy Kenny down, getting him and his father in trouble. She let you down. She let herself down.”

  “She’s the victim of a sick woman.” Mark’s jaw was tight again.

  Meredith pulled a throw pillow from the other end of the couch where she’d tossed it when she sat down and passed it to him.

  Taking it, Mark didn’t say a word. Just squeezed until his knuckles were white.

  She watched him as long as she could, and then reached over, covering his fist with her hand. “She’s young, Mark. Most of her life has been secure, solid and full of love. She’ll recover.”

  He sipped wine, then set his glass on the table beside him with careful precision. Nodded.

  “I’m not so sure about you,” she added softly, looking him in the eye.

  He looked back and Meredith took a deep breath. The territory was different when they connected. Dangerous.

  “You can’t analyze this one, Mark,” she told him. “Sometimes events just happen in life and we’ll never know why.”

  “I know why—”

  “Do you?” she interrupted, understanding the hardness that came over him, but hating it anyway. “Do you know why one person is battered by emotion and another has more control? You know all about a mother’s love that was so desperate it convinced itself that everything was in the best interests of the child? And what about a child’s love? How do you explain all the uncomfortable and frightening events Kelsey put up with just to see her mother? How do you explain loyalty? Yours to Susan, to your job, to yourself. Mine to my best friend, my job, myself and Kelsey. Kelsey’s loyalty, which fell between her mother and her father and what she knew was right…”

  His grin was slow in coming and more wry than humorous. “You’re right, I don’t know why.”

  “And that’s okay.”

  “Is it?” His eyes searched hers. She told herself to turn her head. Safety came in looking away. And she needed to be safe. At least for a while.

  “Yes.”

  His eyes darkened. “What’s okay about it?”

  “It’s trust in the deepest sense,” she said, surprised by how right it felt to be having this conversation with him. A week ago, she’d never have dared—recognizing the lost cause it would have been. “The not knowing.”

  She felt his hand slide against her thigh, taking hers.

  “It’s like Truman,” she said, referring to the movie they’d seen together. “His only way out was to trust his heart because everything—every single bit of external stimulation, everything tangible, every person he knew, every bit of his belief system and even a lot of his knowledge, wasn’t real.”

  Mark was silent for a long time. He sipped his wine. Glanced around the room. And the longer he sat, the edgier Meredith became. She was a friend of his. Friends didn’t sit holding hands.

  They didn’t fantasize about those hands.

  She couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t noticed Mark’s hands—or remember when she’d first thought of them against her skin, holding her breasts, his thumbs against her nipples, making her…

  He was watching her. “What?” She tried to cover her lapse with bravado.

  “Can you feel what I’m feeling right now?”

  Hell, no, she was too busy dealing with her own emotions and reactions. And then, suddenly, she understood.

  “You, too?”

  Surprise flashed across his face and she realized what she’d inadvertently admitted. “I need to kiss you.”

  She nodded. Understood. Couldn’t think.

  And his mouth touched hers. Just once, she told herself. To say goodbye.

  Closing her eyes, feeling herself slipping into him, too, she promised herself it would be quick. She was tired. Had spent two days berating herself for not tuning in to Kelsey sooner. And Mark felt so good. His desire felt so good.

  “You have the most beautiful mouth I’ve ever seen,” he whispered, his breath tickling her lips.

  “It talks too much.” She sucked in a breath—telling herself the kiss was over.

  “Every time I look at it, I am possessed with an urge to do this to it,” he groaned, and leaning over, pushed her back so that he was lying half on top of her as his lips opened hers and his tongue explored her thoroughly.

  Heart beating a warning, Meredith explored back, lost in a divine moment as she tasted him—and sensed that she’d found what she’d been meant to find.

  “I’ve needed this for so long.” His voice was hoarse. He shifted, lifting his pelvis on to her thigh and Meredith raised ever so slightly, applying pressure. Her whole body ached, and buzzed, overwhelming her with sensation. She needed release, tears, love.

  Her need of this was so much stronger than any reason she shouldn’t have it.

  When Mark’s hand slid to her breast, covering it through her blouse, she cried out, pressing herself against him.

  “My bedroom,” Mark groaned, pulling her with him as he started to stand.

  We never make love at his house. Susan’s words came to her. He won’t because of Kelsey.

  “Wait.” Though it sent shards of pain through her stomach, Meredith held back, stayed sitting on the couch. “We have to think.”

  Mark laughed, the sound completely without humor. “Woman, you are going to drive me to the loony bin,” he said. “You’re the one who’s always saying listen to your heart and now you want to think?”

  “Living authentically requires both,” she whispered, trying to find her voice—both inside and out. “You’re only going to find the way to your own happiness if you use both. If you listen to your heart, know what’
s there, and then apply reason, your decisions will keep you on course for true peace and joy.”

  “I don’t know about you,” he sighed, “but I was feeling pretty joyful before you started using your head.”

  Meredith’s breasts throbbed. “Me, too.”

  He dropped back down beside her, finishing off his wine before setting the glass back on the table. “So what’s this about?”

  His patience had returned. And that was the moment that Meredith knew she was completely, irrevocably, in love with him.

  “I can’t go to your room with you, make love with you and then walk away.”

  He brushed her cheek. “Who’s asking you to?”

  “The issues are still there, Mark. Not the job, since I’m gone in a few short weeks, but the rest of it….”

  “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

  “What?”

  “First, we’re going to appeal the board’s decision,” he said, repeating what she vaguely remembered him mentioning the other night. “Policy allows you a trial in the district court before an unbiased jury and you’ll stand a much better chance.”

  “Then the job…”

  “And that brings me to the second thing. Chris Blakely over at Harris Junior High is retiring. I’ve been offered his job. With all that’s been going on with Kelsey, I was waiting for a chance to talk it over with you.”

  “Is that what the superintendent wanted to see you about?”

  He nodded.

  “And you took the job?”

  “Not yet.” His gaze was forthright as he turned to her. “The initial offer was somewhat motivated by an attempt to keep me away from your hearing. I couldn’t agree to that. Nor could I allow them to make a deal with me before they knew how I was going to behave at that hearing. And because I didn’t know myself, I couldn’t make any promises.”

  “And since?”

  “I heard from Daniels again today. The offer stands, but I didn’t want to take the job without speaking with you first.”

  As though she should have some say in his life’s plans. Pulse increasing again, Meredith reminded herself to stop jumping off cliffs and live life calmly.

  “I’m intense, Mark.” She laid it right out there. “I’m always going to be intense. I like my intensity. Most of the time.” She really did. Saving Kelsey had solidified a lifelong purpose that she was committed to pursuing. “It’s my gift. It helps me to do what I do.”

  “I know.”

  “You don’t.”

  “I…”

  “You can’t spend your whole life waiting for me to get carried away, to lose control like Barbie did.”

  “I…”

  “And worrying that the emotions might someday be too much for me. Because I can tell you right now, they might. Look at the other night with Kelsey…”

  “I did look,” he said softly. “All night long….”

  “Well…”

  “Meredith.” He put his hand over her mouth. “Let me get a word in edgewise, will you?”

  She blinked. Nodded. She’d already told him she talked too much.

  “You celebrated when Susan finally realized she was only half-alive and decided to date what’s-his-name the pilot.”

  She started to say the name, but at a glance from Mark decided that wouldn’t be necessary.

  “You were glad that she was taking risks, because only by doing so would she find real happiness.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did you ever stop to see that I was only half-alive, too?” His gaze was so compelling, her stomach was turning inside out with wanting him—loving him. “I let Barbie’s defection stop me in my tracks, and I don’t want to live the rest of my life that way. I want real happiness.”

  “But…”

  “I’m not done yet,” he said gently. “Just as you celebrated Susan’s risk-taking, I celebrate your intensity.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes. She couldn’t believe he’d just said that.

  “It’s not always going to be easy or calm. Nothing is guaranteed. There will be conflict, but I saw real life the other night—I saw feeling so deep that a life was saved. I felt things I’d never felt before. I don’t want to go back to being half-alive.”

  She didn’t know what to say.

  “Now’s the time, Meredith,” he said. “All your life you’ve been looking inside other people, feeling what they feel, understanding. It’s time to look inside yourself.”

  Held by his gaze, she nodded.

  “What do you feel?” His words were soft, yet powerful enough to rip through her.

  “I love you.”

  Eyes closed, he let out a deep breath. She waited for his arms to grab her up, take her to bed. Instead, his eyes opened again and he said, “What else?”

  She started to tell him nothing. Slowed down enough to verify the truth of her answer. And began to shake.

  “Fear.” The word was difficult.

  “Of what?”

  “You. Kelsey. Me. What if I’m too much? What if you can’t handle me? What if I embarrass her? What if…”

  “I love you, Meredith Foster,” Mark said. “More intensely than I ever thought possible.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes. Right there in front of him. And still he didn’t stop.

  “You talked earlier about trust in the deepest sense. You talked about Truman and how he completely trusted what his heart was telling him. I want to know what your heart is telling you.”

  She tried to speak. Opened her mouth to speak.

  “And…” Mark added, his gaze completely serious. “I want to know if you trust yourself enough, trust me enough, to share that heart with me.”

  With his last words, peace fell over Meredith, a sense of tranquility so deep she couldn’t fight it. And she knew.

  “I do.”

  “How sure are you of that?”

  “Ninety-nine.”

  The tension leaving Mark’s face was visible. He smiled, but shook his head, too. “I’m an analytical sort, and I don’t like the margin of error you’ve given us. I’d feel a whole lot better about that one percent if you’d agree to marry me to give me a small measure of security.”

  “Oh, Mark,” she said, laughing and crying again as she threw her arms around him. “I will. Yes, I will and if you leave me at the altar I’m going to hunt you down with a license and a judge and—”

  “Excuse me…”

  As the childish voice reached her consciousness, Meredith jerked back, pulling at her clothes even though they were all still respectably in place.

  “Kelsey?” Mark said gently, sitting forward. “Is something wrong?”

  “Uh-uh.” The little girl shook her head. She looked about five standing there barefoot in white long johns with yellow butterflies all over them. “I just woke up and heard you guys. And Meredith’s crying.”

  “Oh, sweetie.” Meredith jumped up to go to the child, quickly rubbing a hand across her eyes, but Mark got there first, leading Kelsey back to sit between them on the couch.

  “What’s wrong?” Kelsey asked, her face sober as she glanced between them.

  “Nothing!” they said in unison, and then Meredith continued. “They’re happy tears, Kelsey. Your father just asked me to marry him.”

  Kelsey hesitated, glanced at her father, and Meredith wanted to kick herself for blurting out the news like that. Where was all her so called sensitivity?

  “Does this mean that we’re going to be a real family and Meredith’s going to be my mom now?” Kelsey asked her father.

  Meredith’s heart stopped. Her chest ached. “Is that okay with you?” she asked the little girl.

  Kelsey nodded slowly. “Because I figured out something in the hospital when I woke up and Daddy was sleeping there in the chair.”

  “What’s that?” Mark asked, his arm around his daughter, holding her close against him. The little girl slid her hand beneath Meredith’s.

  “That my real mom is too sick or
something to be a mom and she couldn’t really love me if she let all that bad stuff happen to me. I was trying to make her love me and be okay, but I couldn’t do it.”

  Meredith blinked back more tears. “You’re right about most of that, sweetie,” she said. “But your mother does love you. Don’t ever think she doesn’t.”

  Kelsey didn’t say anything for a minute and as soon as Meredith quieted her mind and heart, she understood.

  “It’s all right that you love her, too, you know,” she said softly. “Children are meant to love their parents, even when moms and dads make mistakes.”

  Kelsey nodded. Said nothing.

  “It’s also okay if you’re really mad at her for letting you down.”

  A sigh was Kelsey’s only reply to that. And then, after a silence, she reached up and hugged both of them, bringing their three heads together. “I love you,” she said, hanging on to their necks.

  “I love you, too, Kelsey, more than anything in the world,” Mark said.

  Kelsey seemed to be considering that. Or something else. She peered up at Meredith. “Is it okay if I love you, too?” she asked.

  “Oh, baby, of course.” Meredith couldn’t hold back her tears then as she gave the child another big hug. “Because I know I already love you, Kelsey, as much as if you were my very own little girl.”

  Kelsey nodded as though that made perfect sense to her.

  “So it’s all over and we’re just going to be normal now, right?” she asked.

  “Right,” Mark and Meredith said in unison.

  And just as quickly as she’d appeared, Kelsey hopped up. “I think I can sleep again now, okay?”

  Mark stood. “I’ll tuck you in.”

  “That’s okay,” Kelsey shook her head. “You and Meredith can go back to what you were doing.” With an impish, although exhausted grin, she turned and headed down the hall.

  A couple of seconds later, holding hands while they listened for Kelsey to settle in, Mark and Meredith could hear her telling Gilda that everything was going to be fine now. They were finally getting the right mom.

  Meredith’s spirit soared.

  “THIS IS Angela Liddy with KNLD news, with a disturbing top story tonight. Washington County district attorney Larry Barnett was arrested this afternoon after his eight-year-old son came to school with bruises all over his body. The boy claimed to have fallen down a flight of stairs until his mother called Thomas’s former teacher, Meredith Foster. In a remarkable interview with the boy and police detectives, in which Ms. Foster merely sat in the room and told the boy repeatedly that it was okay to tell the truth, it was learned that Barnett had physically abused both his wife and son on numerous occasions—”