Silent Music

by Aisling Magic

  “That’s such a mean thing to say, Dad,” Madison admonishes, but Eric isn’t wrong, and this doesn’t make me feel good.

  “It’s the truth. I don’t want to go behind her back and plan things or force things on her. That’s wrong.”

  Silence falls on the table. Madison and I know that going behind Phoenix’s back and planning things is a wrong move, but then Greg’s words come back to me. I’m fighting for her. I still feel a cord tug inside when I remember the panic and anger in her eyes the day I came to meet her, and she forgot my name. The helplessness that evaded her body is something that I want to help her with.

  “According to Sanaa, music can play a good part in helping Phoenix find her emotions back.” Madison turns to Eric. “This is all him, Dad.” She points at me. “They used to write lyrics and create music together, so this is a part where he can help her.”

  Feeling Eric’s gaze on me, I lift my head and address him. “The day she asks me to go away is the day I’ll go away without a word.”

  Eric shakes his head and lets his body fall limp on the chair.

  “Plus, Kai and Phoenix have decided to keep it ‘friends only’ right now, so it’s not like Kai is forcing her or something like that. He’s just offering his company.”

  “And she agreed,” I provide. “She seemed definitely more comfortable when I agreed to being only friends. I also told her if ever she wants to write lyrics together to give me a call or something.” I shrug, the disappointment running through my veins because that was the previous day and I haven’t heard from her.

  Eric clenches his jaw. “As I said, I’m not against you, Kai, and if you think this can help then go ahead, but remember you once shared a relationship and it’s not as simple to just be friends.”

  I agree. I have agreed to be Phoenix’s friend, but a friend who loves her. More like a boyfriend who took a step back. We’re kidding no one here.

  “I’m just her friend right now, not a boyfriend. I noted that she felt trapped when I was behaving like her boyfriend because she wasn’t able to reciprocate that feeling, but a friend is different. Fewer expectations.”

  Sympathy colors Eric’s face, and his gaze lingers on my face a little while longer before he breaks the silence. “If this is the case, then cool, but remember, you must not do things or gestures that will bring back the memories and the emotions attached to it. Otherwise, it’ll push her away.”

  “I won’t not,” I promise.

  I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff. Either I fall, or I don’t. But I love Phoenix, and seeing her lost and hopeless is not something that I want. I want my Phoenix back, with the love and the feistiness that she possessed.

  “Let’s just hope she calls you for the songwriting,” Madison says, and I agree. If there’s one thing that brought us together, it was music, and it is music itself which will bring us back together.

  •••

  Using my arm as I pillow, I settle my head back and close my eyes.

  Phoenix’s smiling, laughing face appears. The way her eyes widen when she’s up to mischief paints my imagination, and the look in her eyes each time I meet her gaze …

  My lips spread into a smile.

  When Phoenix was fighting to wake up in the hospital, I prayed for her to return to me, but I never imagined this lost look in her eyes. My thoughts wander, wondering what life would be like if Phoenix hadn’t had the accident? Would we be one happy couple, or would we have broken up by now? There are so many possibilities that cross my mind.

  Phoenix and I fell in love pretty quickly. Our attraction was mutual from the beginning, and it grew deeper each time we met, but now I feel like Cupid didn’t approve and changed the rules. He wants us to fight to be with each other. He wants us to pave our way to each other, surmounting hurdles and uprooting obstacles. We had it easy the first time we fell in love, but the second time will be a roller coaster.

  Pushing those thoughts out of my mind, I roll over when my phone chimes.

  Phoenix: Hi.

  I check the time—11:49 p.m. What the hell is she doing texting me so late? But asking her that will be an invasion of her space, so I refrain.

  Kai: Hi. How are you?

  I wait and wait, looking at the clock, but no reply after seven minutes. Maybe she’s asleep. I throw the phone on the nightstand and pull the covers back, but my mind is on my phone, and until I get a reply, there will be no sleeping.

  I groan and turn on my side just as my phone chimes again. My hand snatches the device from the nightstand.

  Phoenix: I’m fine. You? Sorry to disturb. Not feeling sleepy.

  I will myself to calm down. This is not a text that the old Phoenix would have sent me. First, there are no endearment terms which makes the inner-me sulk, and sorry to disturb? This makes me laugh. Phoenix and I used to talk until the wee hours of the morning. I wonder if I should reply right away or wait so I don’t appear eager … but what if she falls asleep waiting for my reply?

  Kai: I’m good, and no, you didn’t disturb me. I wasn’t sleeping.

  My fingers pause. What can I add next? Because if I send her the message like this, she may not reply. I should definitely add a question, but what?

  Have you thought about writing songs again? No, I’ll be attacking her right away—not good.

  What are you wearing?—Shit, I’ll sound creepy.

  Can I come over?

  Baby step. Remember baby steps.

  Kai: I’m good and no, you didn’t disturb me. I wasn’t sleeping. I’m listening to some music. You?

  Okay, not exactly true, but I need to maintain the conversation, so I press send.

  Two minutes later, her message pops in.

  Phoenix: I was thinking about what you said the other day. About us writing songs again. Which song?

  Heat rushes to the tip of my ears, and my heart is beating so loudly that I can nearly hear it resonating against my room’s walls. She thought about me? I raise my fist, bobbing my head to imaginary background music.

  Kai: A thousand years. And what have you decided?

  Phoenix: My favorite. I’d like that. If you’re free, that is.

  Kai: I can make some time. Is Sunday at 2 p.m. too soon?

  I hit send, praying that I’m not advancing too quickly. So far, Madison’s and Emmanuel’s advice has been very fruitful, so I’m following it like lines written in the Bible.

  Phoenix: Sunday is fine. I’ll see you then. Good night, Kai.

  Kai: Good night, Phoenix :)

  I sigh heavily and throw my head back on the pillow, but this time with the widest smile stretched on my lips. I swear this smile will still be here when I wake up. Scratch that—it will still be here until Sunday.

  I can’t wait for Sunday.

  CHAPTER 26

  PHOENIX

  It’s Sunday.

  Kai’s coming over in a few hours, and there’s this annoying bzzzz sound—like angry bees—ringing in my head.

  It started with a bad morning. I woke up with my head turned in an exorcist position. Now the pain is killing me, and the sound in my head’s making it all worse.

  “What will you have for lunch?” Daddy asks as I wheel myself in the kitchen.

  “Whatever you’re preparing.” I position myself next to Madison.

  Madison places her plate in front of her. “Are you okay?”

  “Fine,” I grumble. It’s the fucking thousandth time that I’ve heard this question since I came back from the coma and it’s starting to irk me. I feel Madison’s eyes on me while I try to rein in all the bees inside my head and control the anger that’s simmering inside.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I fucking know when I’m okay,” I snap. “Of course, I’m s-sure.”

  The silence that follows my shouting in the kitchen is broken by running footsteps. Dad rushes in. “What’s the matter? I heard shouting. Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. Stop asking the same question again and again,” I
grit and take a deep breath.

  Dad looks at Daddy, and the latter shakes his head silently before Dad lays his hand on my shoulder. “We’re just trying to make sure that you’re all right, Phoenix.”

  For some reason, this fuels the anger inside me. “I’m not a baby, and there’s nothing wrong with me. Stop treating me like an invalid. If I’m not all right, I’ll let you people know.” As soon as the words escape my lips, I cringe because I’m an invalid who needs help to do lots of things.

  “Okay, we’ll not do that again,” Dad says, taking his place at the table while Daddy switches off the gas. There’s something nagging me on the inside, and the insane urge to get it out is surpassing me, but I clench my jaws and push the storm back.

  Daddy places the food on my plate, and I lean forward to grab my spoon, but it’s too far. I lean farther, but I still can’t reach the spoon. “Who the fuck put the spoon there?” I yell, trying to stop my eyes from watering. Dad quickly grabs the spoon and places it in my hand … invalid.

  And I see red.

  This simple gesture makes my inside explode. I hurl the spoon at the wall.

  Madison gasps next to me, and Daddy shouts, “Phoenix!”

  “Stop treating me like a fucking child,” I yell, feeling the hot liquid pouring down my cheeks.

  Daddy walks forward. “You couldn’t grab the spoon, so Adam helped you. There’s nothing wrong there.”

  “It is wrong. It is so fucking wrong. You’re all treating me like I’m an invalid. I can still do things, but you won’t let me and I hate you. I hate you all,” I shout, and it feels good. It feels better.

  “We’re helping because you can’t do it—”

  Something breaks inside me.

  A violent shriek breaks through my chest, and in one swift move, my hand grabs the mayo jar, and I launch it at him. Dad squeezes his eyes shut as the jar hits his forehead. The sound of the glass breaking makes something fly out of me. The pounding of my heart echoes in my body—it’s all I can hear. Everyone’s voice gets lost behind the angry sound of my heartbeat. My lungs suck in rapid breaths, my eyes jump from one person to another. Daddy throws me a look and shouts something, but I can’t hear them. Madison's eyes are filled with tears—I put them there.

  I’m responsible for this.

  I did this.

  My eyes connect with Dad’s, and my vision blurs the red seeping from his forehead, mixing with the mayo.

  Someone whimpers—it’s me. My sweaty hands grab on the wheels and pull them backward.

  I did this.

  I did this.

  The wheels knock with the wall, but my gaze refuses to leave the blood on Dad. What have I done? I ball my fist on my mouth to block my cries. My shoulders shake, and I abruptly yank the wheels to get out of the kitchen, but they tangle with the chair’s leg and the wheelchair skids, taking me with it. The side of my head knocks with the floor causing pain to spread through my body. Someone grabs my arms and my body jerks.

  No.

  No, no, no …

  Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me.

  I shake my head, but the words are locked in my throat. I slap the hands touching me. “Go!” I scream, but they don’t move. “G-g-go. Go! Go!” I open my mouth to say more, but my tongue tastes my tears, and I place my hand on my mouth to stop them from getting in. They are tears of me breaking apart, and they taste like the broken piece of me.

  “Phoenix,” Dad whispers, but I shake my head at him. I’m going crazy. “Sweetie, please …” Dad sits on the floor in front of me, and Daddy brings him some ice. They both sit there with tears in their eyes.

  Tears that I’m responsible for.

  Pieces of them that I’m breaking.

  Pain that I’ve etched in their hearts.

  “Phoenix …”

  I grab my useless legs and bring them to my chest. Holding them with my hands, I let my head fall in between. “G-go away … L-leave me a-alone … P-please … I’m so-rry.” I chant these words through my sobs and rock myself.

  •••

  Back … forth … back … forth. The door opens, and I hear footsteps.

  “Where is she?”

  This voice …

  My heart thuds. I jerk my head up, blinking rapidly. Our eyes connect, and a rush of hope surges through me. His strong gaze holds a desire to fight, making me want to run and hide in his arms. I open my arms like a two-year-old, silently begging him to hold me.

  “Babe …”

  Kai doesn’t miss a beat. He scoops me in his arms, and walks me to my bedroom. I burrow my face in the curve between his neck and shoulder, my body shuddering with relief. Madison and my dads try to follow us to the bedroom, but Kai stops them.

  “Let me handle it from here,” he says, closing the door with his shoulder.

  Kai places me on the bed. He quickly adjusts a pillow behind my back and brings my legs up on the bed. Removing my glasses, he wipes my tears. “Baby, please tell me you didn’t hurt yourself.”

  I shake my head.

  He narrows his eyes. “Madison told me you fell. Are you sure you’re not hurt?”

  I’m about to shake my head, but nod instead, pointing at the side of my head. Kai grabs my chin with his two fingers and turns my head, slowly rubbing the red skin. “Is it hurting too much?”

  “No,” I whisper, telling the truth. A loud sob breaks from me. “I h-hurt him, Kai. I hurt him.”

  His eyes turn soft. “Tell me what happened?”

  I start with what happened in the morning and how I was feeling. Kai’s hands caress my cheeks and tuck my hair behind my ears, somehow soothing me.

  “This is part of your brain injury, Phoenix. You were hurt, and it’s normal for you to get angry.” I start to protest, but he stops me. “No, listen to me. You were angry because you think that they’re treating you like a child, right?”

  I nod, and he smiles. “But they’ve always treated you the same way. They’re always pampering you and Madison. It’s just that now you’re on wheels and you’re taking it as pity instead of love.”

  My brain tries to gather all that Kai just said. He’s right. Our dads have always pampered Madison and me. Our preferred dishes are always on the dinner table. If an author that I love releases a new book, I’ll have it before I even ask. If Madison or I am sick, we aren’t allowed to move from the bed—everything will be done for us. There has always been extra.

  “I’m such a bad daughter. Why can’t I be the way I used to be?” The tears flow once more.

  Kai captures my cheeks between his palms. “This is not permanent. One day this will get better. The only thing that you have to do is let us help you. We know you can do it on your own, but we’re your family—a little help from us is not pity, Phoenix. It’s love.”

  My arms curl around his neck, and I hug him tightly. A comforting warmth swarms around me, causing my body to shiver involuntarily. His words make the wings of my butterfly bat again, and this time I feel their tingle. We stay in this position for as long as my body can take it because his arms around me keep the distractions away. But then my back starts to ache, and I tell him so.

  “Here?” Kai asks, touching my back. I nod, and he rubs it slowly. I keep my head on his shoulder because it makes me feel better.

  “Better now?” Kai asks, and I nod again.

  A few seconds later and I reluctantly unstick my body from his, realizing that I’m covered in sweat. “I need to take a bath,” I say, taking a look at my wet shirt. I cannot stay in wet clothes because they give me cramps and just changing clothes after so much sweat does not feel very clean.

  Kai doesn’t question my request. He gets up and goes to the bathroom. I hear the water filling in the tub, and Kai comes out a few seconds later. Without a word, he scoops me in his arms again, and my hands curl around his neck—like they belong there. He walks inside and makes me sit on the edge of the tub.

  Kai tests the water as he looks at me. “What are you waiting for? Remove y
our T-shirt.” I nod, but my hands refuse to move. Kai’s lips tug upwards.

  “I have seen all that you have under these clothes, Phoenix.” His voice dips to a husky tone, and he arches that one brow. “Are you being shy?”

  Two pink spots appear on my cheeks. “Sh-shut up.”

  He laughs. “Okay, I can place you in the tub and go out, and then you can get the clothes off.”

  Removing clothes when you’re drenched is a pain, and with my legs not working, I know it will be worse. While I do have support bars that Dad installed in the bathroom, I’m still not used to it. “It will be more difficult,” I say, wondering if I should call Madison to help me, but I want to stay in this safe bubble with Kai.

  “Okay, then remove your clothes, but leave your underwear. When I go out, you can remove them.” He looks at me for a few seconds. “Shit, I’ll have to take you from the tub too, right? No problem, you can close your eyes. Then you won't know what I’m looking at.” Kai winks, making me laugh. And a light-hearted feeling curls inside me. It feels good to laugh.

  “Fine,” I say shocking him. Hell, shocking myself. But he’s right—it’s not like he hasn’t seen me naked.

  My stomach rolls as my mind creates a thousand scenarios of how he’ll react when he sees my scarred body. Indifference, shock, sadness … disgust? He leans forward, and I suck in a quick breath. Kai helps me get my T-shirt and jeans off while I hold his shoulder with one hand and the tub with the other. I couldn’t help but notice his eyes roaming my naked body. His face shows none of the reactions I was anticipating. What I see on his face is longing.

  And nothing less.

  His breathing becomes labored, mirroring mine, and he clears his throat. “Ready?” I nod.

  He places his one arm behind my knees and the other behind my back as his fingers curl beneath my naked breasts.

  I stop breathing.

  At that moment, every trickle of warmth in my body pools to where his fingers are touching my breast, and I know that my nipples are hard. Kai lifts me, and my eyes move to the veins appearing on his neck—porn veins! My nakedness allows me to feel the heat seeping from his body. This revives a feeling inside me—to touch, to explore, and I nearly nuzzle my nose in his shirt. My fingers grip his T-shirt, I inch close … closer. But stop.