Better Than Okay

by Jacinta Howard

  “We can’t do this,” he mumbled tersely, as if trying to convince himself. “You’re not thinking straight.”

  “I am thinking straight,” she argued, falling back clumsily onto the bed.

  She pushed the strap of her dress down over one shoulder, not taking her eyes off of him.

  “No, you’re not,” he said, his eyes fixed on her. He released a breath and pushed himself off of the bed. “Pull your dress up, Destiny,” he growled. “Shit.”

  She looked at him, this time refusing to obey his rough command. “No, I don’t want to.”

  She pushed the strap off of her other shoulder, her eyes not leaving his. He paced to the far end of the room, pressing his back against the closed door, watching her.

  “If I was Loud Girl you would want me,” she insisted. “You wouldn’t be afraid that I was going to flip out again.”

  He looked at her, confused. “Who the hell is Lou…” He stopped, recognition dawning on his face. “That’s what this about?” his breathing had slowed a bit now but his voice was tight. “Tiffany? I didn’t even know she was going to be there. I told you I don’t give a shit about that girl, Destiny…”

  He hesitated, his tone softening. “And I think we’ve more than established that I want you… when you’re sober and ready. I’ll wait for you. For as long as you need me to. We can take things as slow as you need.”

  “But you don’t have to wait,” she murmured, pushing the straps on her dress down further so that her breasts were nearly exposed. “I’m okay now. It’s okay.”

  He paused, desire evident in his eyes, as he looked at her. Then he shook his head.

  “You’re not okay, you’re drunk,” he said resolutely. “And I’ll feel like an asshole in the morning if we do anything while you’re drunk and not thinking clearly. I never want you to regret anything between us. And you’ll regret this.”

  “Please, Brian,” she said, not even caring about how desperate she sounded. “I just need to know… I just need to feel….”

  She shook her head. “It just should’ve been you,” she said quietly. “It should’ve been you. I didn’t want him to steal that from me. It should’ve been you. I wish it was you and now it’s gone forever. And I can’t get it back. The only sex I know is him. And it fucking sucks.”

  Her chest hurt so badly. Couldn’t he see that? Couldn’t he see that she just wanted to choose to give herself to him? So what if the alcohol was making her less nervous, repressing images she didn’t want to remember? He crossed the room again. The bed bounced as he sat down, facing her.

  “Baby, what happened to you… it wasn’t sex, Destiny. Rape…” he uttered the word like it physically hurt to say it, “Rape isn’t sex. It’s not. Sex is consensual.” He looked at her his eyes serious and full of emotion. “So, you don’t need to rush anything. Okay? I’m here. I told you I’m not going anywhere and I meant it.”

  He studied her face, reading the mixture of emotions that were there.

  “And it still can be me,” he grinned crookedly, though the smile was faint. “If you want. And it won’t be rushed. Or drunk. It’ll be slow….”

  He pushed her dress straps back up over her shoulders deliberately, his fingers grazing her skin, “…. and good. And do you know why it will be that way?” He waited a beat. “Because I love you.”

  He pulled her toward him and pressed his forehead against hers. She inhaled and exhaled, his words filling her even through her drunk haze.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I want to be better for you… But I think I’m broken now. And I’m breaking you, too. You need to stay away from me. But I don’t want you too because I’m too selfish and you make me feel better. Even though you need to stay away from me.”

  She laid back and closed her eyes. She just needed to close her eyes for a little while. She felt him lay down beside her and then she was in his arms, her back to his chest as he held her tightly against him.

  “I love you, Destiny,” he whispered against ear. “I only want to be where you are.”

  Her breathing was starting to calm, as she finally relaxed against him.

  “We’re gonna be okay, love,” he murmured. “You just need to trust me.”

  She did trust him. She loved him. It was herself she didn’t trust. She sighed, allowing herself to be content in his arms for this moment, as sleep and alcohol finally won out over her thoughts.

  Chapter 15

  Destiny rolled over, snuggling herself more deeply into the blanket that was covering her head. This bed was so comfortable. It’d never been this comfortable before. She sighed contentedly then stiffened. Damn. This bed wasn’t hers. She opened her gritty eyes, awareness suddenly spreading through her body and landing in the pit of her stomach. Or maybe that was nausea. She pressed her hand there, steadying the waves that were coursing through her belly, threatening to push their way up her esophagus. She made herself go completely still until the sensation passed. Only then did she roll over.

  Brian came through the bedroom door, softly shutting it behind him. He was already dressed in khaki cargo shorts and a t-shirt. He had a Cardinals baseball cap pulled down low over his eyes. He looked adorable. He grinned, crossing the room to sit beside her, his body indenting the bed.

  “You alive, cutie pie?” he asked, amusedly.

  His proximity brought back memories from last night and she thought she might physically die from the embarrassment that rushed through her even more powerfully than the nausea.

  “I think not,” she mumbled, hiding her head beneath the covers again. “What time is it?”

  He chuckled deeply and pulled them back off of her. “A little after one.”

  Damn. She hadn’t slept that late in ages. “Your bed is really comfortable.”

  “I know, you were snoring loud enough,” he teased.

  She closed her eyes again, grinning. “Shut up.”

  “Here,” he said, causing her to reluctantly open her eyes again, handing her a bottle of water that had somehow magically appeared in his hands. “Drink this.”

  She sat up gingerly, pulling her dress over her legs in a too late attempt at modesty and he grinned. She ran her fingers through her hair and sipped cautiously. He was smiling again, apparently finding enjoyment in her hangover status.

  “You should be a spokesperson for….” she peered at the label on the bottle, “Purely Spring Water.”

  He chuckled and brushed her nose with his finger. “I’m trying to help you. You’d feel even worse if I didn’t give you that water last night.”

  Just the mention of last night caused her stomach to clench and she looked away. Unlike the reality TV girls who conveniently forgot anything slutty or stupid they did while inebriated, she remembered everything. And he was right, she would’ve regretted sleeping with him while she was that drunk and emotional. She studied the water bottle in her hand.

  “Hey. You were sexy as hell last night,” he told her, causing her to meet his eyes. “Drunk as hell. But sexy.”

  He chuckled again at her mortified expression.

  “Thank you… for…” she thought about her hyperventilating episode on the dance floor, him almost beating up some random drunk guy for her, and his patience and control afterward, “… everything,” she finished lamely.

  “I told you I got you,” he said simply. “But my self-control only goes so far and last night you pushed it to the max.”

  He paused, allowing her to see the seriousness in his eyes.

  “You can’t do that to me again.” He stared at her for a long second and she shifted uncomfortably.

  “Sorry.”

  He waited until she met his eyes again. “I meant what I said last night,” he said, running a finger down the side of her face. “We’ll take things slow… I think we should take things slow, actually.”

  She bit her lip, meeting his eyes. “I just… I’m afraid if we go too slowly you’ll get… I dunno, bored or something?”

 
He immediately frowned, his expression incredulous as he shook his head. “Bored? Have you met you? You entertain the hell out of me, even when you don’t mean to.”

  She grinned faintly then looked away. She inhaled deeply before turning back to him.

  “I don’t want to lose you before we even get to start for real,” she murmured. “This isn’t just about sex. It’s about like, intimacy. I feel like I can’t even give you that sometimes.”

  “Hey,” he said, causing her to meet his eyes. “We make our own rules, remember? Me and you. We’re not on anybody else’s timetable, or trying to meet anyone else’s expectations, okay? This is about us and what works for us.”

  She looked at him, her chest heavy.

  “You always say the best things,” she said softly.

  “I do, huh?” He grinned, dissolving some of the tension. “I gotta run out for a minute,” he told her after a long second. “But I’ll be back in an hour so don’t leave.”

  He didn’t wait for her response before dropping a quick kiss on her cheek. A second later he was out of the door. Twenty minutes later she exited the bathroom, freshly showered and feeling significantly less sick. She’d brushed her teeth with her finger and used a generous amount of mouthwash before using his brush to push her hair up into a sloppy bun. She shrugged into one of Brian’s t-shirts and a pair of his boxers that hung low enough on her to look like a pair of shorts.

  She padded out into the living room. Raven was sprawled on the couch, the remote control in her hand, flicking aimlessly through the channels.

  “Well, well, Grasshopper, good afternoon,” she said smiling at her, pushing the strap up on the ribbed tank top she was wearing. It was probably Dorian’s.

  “Sorry I left you hanging last night,” Destiny replied, sitting on the couch next to her.

  “No worries,” she yawned, covering her mouth, still flipping channels. “Brian texted Dorian and let us know what was up.”

  She flicked a glance at her.

  “I had a moment,” Destiny explained lamely, trying to shrug it off. It didn’t work.

  “I think you had several moments,” Raven retorted meaningfully.

  Destiny didn’t say anything. She fixed her eyes on the TV.

  “Did you guys at least have fun?” she asked after a long minute.

  Raven smiled. “Yeah, Noisy Girl or whatever her name is and Amber left not too long after you and Brian. I seriously think she might have a hearing problem or something. She was pretty pissed that he went after you.”

  Destiny managed a small smile. Raven had stopped on a gospel channel and the preacher was talking about acceptance and grace. She rolled her eyes and stood, heading for the kitchen and the smell of coffee and food.

  “You alive?” Dorian asked her when she rounded the corner.

  He was standing over the stove flipping what appeared to be an omelet in baggy basketball shorts and t-shirt. He had his Suns baseball cap turned backwards on his head.

  “Apparently that’s the question of the day,” she retorted dryly.

  She grabbed a cup out of the cabinet and then poured herself a cup of coffee adding a lot of sugar and cream to the cup. Dorian was quiet for a second.

  “You okay?”

  He didn’t look up from the stove when he asked her and she knew without question that there were layers to his inquiry. She sighed and hopped onto the counter, cradling her cup in her palms before taking a sip.

  “Not really,” she answered truthfully. She shrugged. “I’m scared kinda. Almost like I can’t control my reaction to stuff that triggers… memories.”

  He turned, pressing his back against the counter across from her, frowning with concern.

  “I feel so trapped in my head sometimes, you know?”

  His frown deepened. His dimples contrasted his worried expression. “Well, what’s the counseling lady say?”

  She looked up at him, grinning at his use of the phrase, “counseling lady.” She shrugged again. Turns out, Vanessa was a real psychiatrist with a viable practice. She just volunteered at the church on Saturdays. She’d suggested that Destiny start coming to regular one-on-one sessions with her, an invitation that Destiny had politely declined.

  “She wants me to start doing one-on-one sessions twice a week with her.”

  He regarded her for a minute then turned back to the stove, flipping the food. “You think you should go?”

  “No,” she answered immediately. Then she thought of Brian. “Yes. I dunno.”

  He was quiet for a while and she knew he was worrying about her. “I’ve never seen him like this, you know.”

  Once again, she knew without asking who he was referring to. “Like what?”

  He shrugged. “I dunno. He’s all… open. It’s not him. You know how detached and closed off he can get.”

  She did know. She stared at Dorian’s back, wondering what had prompted the heart to heart, not that she at all intended to stop it.

  “He’s liked you forever,” he confessed after a few long seconds passed.

  He glanced over his shoulder before turning again to flip his simmering food. “But he was always saying he didn’t want to mess up your friendship. Or something. You know he can get on all that ‘staying centered’ and focusing on the ‘meaning of life’ shit sometimes. Helps him deal with the shit he goes through with his mom.”

  “I thought she was clean and doing better?” Destiny said, her pulse racing at the thought of Brian or Lexi having to deal with that again.

  “Yeah, for now. But you know how that shit goes.”

  He shrugged again then turned to face her. “But I think the thing with Tamara did it for him. He says that’s when he knew he wanted to be with you. He got all dramatic and said he couldn’t keep pretending.”

  He used air quotes when he said, “keep pretending” and rolled his eyes at the memory.

  “He figured that out from being with another girl?” She wrinkled her face and he shrugged again.

  “Happens like that sometimes.” He turned back around and flipped the contents on the stove while she mulled over what he’d just told her. “He broke up with her for you. He really loves you.”

  She bit her lip and stared into her coffee cup. He glanced over his shoulder again.

  “We all do.”

  Raven sauntered into the kitchen and leaned her head against the doorframe. Her glasses were back on, her hair pulled into an untamed but stylish ponytail.

  “This is true,” she said looking at Destiny.

  She managed a weak smile, uncomfortable with all of the attention being on her. “Me, too,” she said softly.

  “So I talked to my mom this morning,” Dorian sighed. He’d changed the subject and she knew they were done with the conversation.

  “She broke up with Gary. They’re moving back in with your mom as we speak.”

  The anger and bitterness in his voice were nothing new when it came to Chrissy and her never-ending bad break ups that landed her back at Tori’s house.

  “Aidan shouldn’t have to keep going through that shit,” he said.

  He didn’t tack “like I did” onto the sentence but it was there, unspoken. Dorian was fiercely protective of his little brother. Destiny hadn’t talked to her mom since yesterday, but she didn’t mention it then. Probably because Tori knew she was a fragile, emotional nut job who couldn’t handle anything anymore. Destiny glanced at Raven, who was looking at her feet.

  “Do you know what happened, like why they broke up?” Destiny asked tentatively, staring at his back.

  She’d met Gary a couple of times and wasn’t at all surprised that it was over. Dorian turned and glanced at her briefly.

  “Does it matter?”

  She peered inside of her coffee cup, releasing a sigh. She guessed it really didn’t. She watched as Raven walked over where he was standing and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, laying her head on his shoulder. He turned and dropped a kiss on her forehead, holding her f
or a long minute.

  “Ready to eat?” he asked, pushing out a breath as he released her.

  Raven nodded. Destiny sighed and followed them into the dining room.

  * * *

  An hour later, Destiny, Dorian, and Raven were sprawled on the couch watching reruns of Friends. Well, Destiny and Raven were. Dorian was texting and frowning every few seconds at the TV.

  “This is not funny,” he said for the fifth time, his head laid comfortably against the large couch cushions.

  Destiny had already stopped responding to him. It actually wasn’t that funny today, although she wouldn’t dare tell him that.

  “Hush, Clarence. I love Chandler,” Raven sighed oblivious to the disgusted look Dorian was giving her. “He could definitely get it.”

  She laughed loudly at something he said and Dorian frowned.

  “If you’re trying to irritate me, it’s working, Chipmunk.”

  He dropped his phone on the couch and pulled her into his lap tickling her sides as she flailed wildly in his arms. Destiny ducked and moved to the other side of the couch to avoid being accidentally hit.

  She pulled out her phone and checked the time. Brian had been gone a little over an hour and she missed him. She cringed just thinking about how silly it was to be missing him already. On a whim she decided to text him.

  “Never felt this way before… boy the feeling that you give to me I can’t ignore. You’re my joy.”

  Her heart was beating a hundred times a minute when she hit send. It was the first time she’d played the lyric game since that night. But she missed it. And Vanessa was always talking about how it was the little things that mattered. That helped things fall back into the groove of normalcy.

  She trained her eyes on the TV, watching the trials of Ross and Rachel unfold in a twenty-seven minute episode. She wished real life came with a hearty laugh track that had the magic ability to gloss over any issue.

  She looked up expectantly when the door opened less than five minutes later. Brian stepped in bringing in a trail of heat and humidity with him. He quickly shut the door, his eyes immediately falling on her.