by Ella Fields
His bashfulness made me move. I grabbed his cheek, tilting it down to press my lips to it. “Thank you for tonight,” I whispered, then left him on the sidewalk, smiling the whole way upstairs.
Tuesday after our date, I was in the library when Callum dumped himself into the seat across from me at the table. “Going on dates,” he said. “Another part of your plan?”
Taking my time, I looked up from my textbook, sighing and clicking my pen. “Not that you’d believe me, but no.”
His voice lowered. “Then why haven’t you signed the papers?”
I bit my lip, looking outside the clear windows at the sprawling campus beyond. The air still carried an icy breeze, but the campus was lit with the colors of spring. Flowerbeds and shrubbery bloomed, broken up by the green grass, cream-colored rock pathways, and gray buildings. It amazed me how so much change, so much sadness, could be born from a place capable of so much beauty. “Is Toby okay?”
Callum didn’t respond for a long minute. “As far as I know, yes. Now answer my question.”
Toby had apparently tried to commit suicide or OD’d. I didn’t know the details, only heard the rumors. My heart panged when I thought of Pippa. Headstrong, seemingly unflappable Pippa.
And looking at Callum, the way his dark eyes burned feverishly on me as his jaw worked, my stomach fizzed with bubbles of regret for all that I’d tried to accomplish. I’d made a mistake, and some mistakes couldn’t be repaired, but fuck him for continuing to hammer the nails into the coffin that contained all we’d had.
I began packing up my things when his hand slammed down on top of my book. “Renee.”
“I’ll sign them, okay?” I snapped, blood rising to my cheeks as my frustration and need to get away from him intensified. “If that’s what you really want, I’ll sign them.”
He blinked, slowly dragging his hand back across the table. “I do.” He paused, watching as I packed away my things. “Send them to the address on the form.”
“Will do.” With my short response lingering between us, I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder, leaving him behind.
Back inside my dorm, which was thankfully vacant, I pulled out the black box and the papers inside it that would end this disaster of a marriage.
He might have been the sun I couldn’t help but orbit around, but he didn’t warm me anymore. Instead, he’d made it his mission to leave me locked inside the chilled shadows of our past.
A place even the strongest could only survive for so long.
Without even reading them, I picked up a pen from the desk and signed them.
The following weekend, I took Mike up on his offer for a second date. Had I have known what that second date would entail, I might’ve thought twice before blindly saying yes.
“Where are we going?” I asked, watching the lights from campus fade as we drove through the residential area of Gray Springs.
“Um, well.”
I pinned a glare at Mike. “Well?”
“There’s kind of this party the team is throwing. I need to go, but I also wanted to take you out.”
Realization hit me full force. “My, my.” I eyed his profile under the dim interior lighting of his car. “You’re a lot more devious than I gave you credit for.”
His eyes widened, and he glanced over at me briefly. “Pardon?”
“You know exactly what I mean,” I said curtly. “Callum will be there.”
Mike’s chuckle was drenched in wariness. “He will be.”
“You want to rub this in his face, don’t you?”
He blanched, then rushed to say, “No.” When I remained silent, he sighed. “Okay, maybe a little bit. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I said, turning my attention to the window again. “Two birds, one stone. Well played.” Annoyance trampled over my stomach, but I kept my expression void and said nothing else.
He seemed at a loss for what to say, staying quiet until we’d parked down the street from a house that was lit up like it was the Fourth of July. Cars lined the street, people streaming between them, coming and going from the house, or drinking out the front of it.
Mike took my hand, helping me out of his Maserati before locking it.
Uncertainty traveled down my spine, making my hand tremble in Mike’s steady hold. People watched us approach and quickly looked away. Or maybe it was just my paranoia that had me thinking they were watching us.
Inside, the scent of tobacco mixed with that of sweat and alcohol. I resisted the urge to pull my hand from Mike’s to scrub my nose, my other holding my tiny Chanel purse.
I almost slipped when one of my black heeled boots stepped in something wet as Mike led me into the throng, clearly searching for his friends. My palms started itching, and still, I let him hold my hand.
It didn’t matter anymore. It couldn’t matter anymore.
The guys were where I predicted they’d be, outside around a fire pit, girls clamoring for their attention, and even some of the guys from the lacrosse team.
“Well, shit,” Quinn muttered, turning away as we approached.
Daisy was with him, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. Not because she’d kissed my husband, or soon-to-be ex-husband, but because her innocent eyes, combined with the guilt that was pressing down on my shoulders made me feel ten sizes smaller. It took too much strength to keep them pinned back when Callum turned away from Burrows, his eyes growing as they fell on us.
“Look what the cat dragged in,” Burrows jeered. Paul punched him in the arm. “Ouch, fuck. It’s just a figure of speech, shit.”
Callum’s nostrils flared and Mike’s arm slipped around my shoulders, his hand gently moving my hair aside as Robbo started up conversation with him about some band that was playing downtown next weekend.
Callum’s gaze burned, and for reasons I couldn’t name, my eyes refused to unlock from his. It felt as if he wouldn’t let me.
Mike only left me to get a drink, offering me one before he did, which I declined, and I continued to stand awkwardly by his side once he’d returned.
After what seemed like an hour, my feet were starting to hurt, and Mike suggested we take a seat. There was only one available, and his suggestion implied I sit on his lap as he lowered himself into it. I could feel Callum watching my every move as I shifted on the grass, my eyes skirting around the crowd, looking for an out and finding nothing. Nobody.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” I finally mumbled to Mike, uncaring if he didn’t hear me, and making an escape before he could stop me.
Inside, I could hardly breathe, rising on my toes to peer over heads as I tried to find someplace where I might be able to gather my bearings for five minutes. I didn’t dare think of using the bathroom.
A group of girls walked into the kitchen, one of them Kristy, who’d ratted me out to Callum. She stopped laughing at whatever her friend said when she saw me standing there, her head dropping as she whispered something that had her friend glancing over her shoulder.
Screw this, I thought. Spying the laundry room behind them, I pushed past, probably a little too hard, and shut myself inside it.
Right before I managed to lock the door, it was pushed open, and I was shoved back into the wall. “What the fu—”
Callum flipped the lock, stepping close and looming over me like he had a right to. “What the fuck is this?”
“What?” I asked.
“I said enough of the games.”
“Jesus Christ, Callum. I know,” I sighed. “I sent the papers this morning.”
His brows met as he licked his lips. “You did?”
I nodded, trying not to inhale the sharp spice of his cologne.
He blinked three times before taking a step back and running a hand through his thick hair, making it stand all over the place. A scathing laugh rumbled out of him. “So you’re not playing at anything? By being here with him?”
“No, I’m not.”
In an instant, he shot back over to me, hi
s voice dark and low. “I know you,” he said, eyes darting to my mouth. “Do you really think I’m going to believe that? After all you’ve done?”
My heart’s pounding made my voice shake. “You just don’t want to believe it.”
He laughed, disbelief ringing clear in the sound and his expression. “You don’t want me anymore then? Hmm?” His hand grabbed my hip, fingers shifting over the silken material of my geisha inspired dress. “Have you let him have you again yet?”
My hesitation to answer was answer enough for him. His head ducked, causing mine to tilt and hit the wall with a thud. His nose glided over my neck as he rasped, “Where have your bows gone? I never see you wear them anymore.”
I tried to mask the loud intake of breath I took at the thought of him still paying attention to me. Tried and failed. “In a box in the back of my car.”
Callum hummed, his tongue snaking out to lick my jumping pulse as his hand tightened around my waist. “Have you let him kiss you again?”
“Callum,” I said.
He hissed, head lifting to stare down at me, giving me the full effect of his anger. “You have.”
Before I could say anything, his lips dived into mine, prying them apart savagely, our tongues meeting.
Music pounded through the door, and over it the sound of voices entering the kitchen. I panicked when I heard one voice in particular and tried to push Callum off me.
“…Crazy, man.”
“Callum,” I growled when he refused to move.
“Shhh.” He pressed a hand over my mouth, pushing me into the wall with his lower body as my eyes bulged and his head cocked to the side.
“Is she worth it?” a voice I didn’t recognize asked. “Messing with bro code like that means it’s gotta be worth it, right?”
Mike groaned. “What is this shit with bro code? I didn’t even fuck her. I might have been a dick about it all, but I’d never touch a chick who’d just vomited her guts up before practically passing out in front of the toilet.”
My stomach roiled, and my head swam. Callum’s hand tensed over my mouth.
“So you didn’t even touch her? You told Cal you did, not to mention that fucking photo.”
Callum’s chest heaved.
“Because he’s a dick who didn’t deserve her. Ever since we got here, he started treating her like shit.”
The guy chuckled, mumbling something I didn’t catch.
Mike continued, “I mean, we made out a little on the bed, yeah, then she started to cry and said she needed to puke, and game over.” He laughed. “I knew she was drunk, but I had no idea how bad until then. Her fucking panties were laying on the ground in front of the toilet for Christ’s sake. Like she’d lost them after using it. No way. She was too much of a hot mess. After I got her out of her puke-covered dress, I held her while she cried herself to sleep.” A heavy silence infiltrated the laundry and the kitchen. Then Mike asked, “Have you seen her? I swear I saw her come inside.”
“Nah, man. Try the bathroom down the hall maybe.”
“Will do. Oh, and keep all that to yourself. I still haven’t found a way to, you know, straighten it out with her yet.”
Whoever he was talking to didn’t respond verbally.
Callum’s hand fell away from my face as he stumbled back into the washing machine.
I slid down the wall to the floor, my chest rising higher and higher with each breath I struggled to take.
“Mouse,” Callum started, lowering to the floor in front of me. “Look at me.”
I couldn’t. I couldn’t see anything other than visions of that night sailing through my mind, still unable to connect them all. “I didn’t.” I sniffed, tears tickling my cheeks before I swiped them away, unaware they’d even leaked from my eyes.
“You didn’t,” Callum repeated, rising and pacing the laundry like a caged animal.
I watched his boots, their squeak on the tiles helping me to measure my breaths evenly.
I didn’t sleep with Mike. I didn’t even fool around with Mike. All I did was kiss him. Which was still wrong, but all of this … it’d all been a lie.
Months. So many months of my life spent believing and trying to make up for something that never happened. The worst part was I should’ve known myself better. I should’ve known with certainty that I wouldn’t do something like that. And I didn’t know a damn thing.
“I have to go.” Grabbing my purse that’d fallen next to me at some point, I got up from the floor.
Callum grabbed my hand, halting me before I could open the door. “Wait,” he said, exhaling roughly and looking as though he’d just woken up from a nightmare. “Just … just wait.”
Wiping beneath my nose with my wrist, I pulled my hand free and offered a watery smile. “Do you know how many times I’ve asked you to do that?”
He shook his head, eyes pleading.
“I need out of here. Don’t follow me.” I pulled my phone from my purse, walking to the front of the house to call a cab from outside.
Never in my life had I felt so confused, so betrayed, and so stupid, all at once.
The deep blue of Renee’s dress floated behind her as she dashed through people cloistered among the living room, then disappeared down the hall and outside.
My feet couldn’t carry me fast enough, and I soon started pushing and shoving my way through people to get to her.
Mike saw me in the hall. And I told my aching fists that we’d deal with him later.
People were scattered throughout the front yard, on the steps, and on the porch, but I didn’t care.
“Renee,” I yelled as she power walked, almost jogging, to the curb.
“What’s going on?” Mike asked behind me.
I stopped, and so did Renee, her phone pressed to her ear as she looked around the street.
Mike grabbed my shirt. “Callum, fucking hell.”
I spun around, my fist colliding with his nose and sending blood spraying over his chin and shirt as he stumbled down onto the grass.
I leaped on top of him, grabbing him by the neck of his shirt and wrenching him up to see the fury in my eyes. “You lying piece of manipulative shit,” I growled, voice guttural as the words scraped out of my throat. “You had the hide to tell me, to tell her, that you had your way with …” Unable to finish, I shoved him to the ground, my fists hurtling into his jaw and cheekbone, one after another until Robbo and Paul pulled me off him.
“It wasn’t like that,” Mike wheezed, wincing as he rolled over on the grass to spit blood from his mouth.
I strained against Robbo and Paul’s hold, roaring at the piece of filth. “You’re fucking dead, you hear me? Dead.”
“There’s more to it than that, Cal. I’m sorry I fucked it all up. Big time, but I never actually planned to. It just happened.”
“It just fucking happened? I’ll fucking gut—”
“Hey, hey. Come on.” Paul grabbed my face. “Let’s go get a drink, settle down a bit, yeah?”
“I don’t want a fucking drink,” I said, wrenching myself from his iron clad hold. “I want to fucking kill him.” My head was spinning, breath hurtling out of me faster than I could inhale it.
“We know, man. We know.” Robbo released me when we saw Mike down the street, a fading silhouette climbing into his car.
Then I saw her, still standing by the curb. My limbs loosened, my heartbeat dropping as my anger fell and made way for waves of insurmountable regret.
Frozen, she stood. Her green eyes like watery beacons as she stared at me. A cab pulled up, and before I could force my numb body to move, she was climbing inside, and it was driving down the street.
The floor beneath me seemed to drop and morph every time my feet moved over it.
Back and forth they went, my hand tugging furiously at my hair as every fucking thing that’d transpired that night disrupted the reality I’d once thought so real.
It wasn’t. Not all of it, anyway.
Sleep curled its warm embra
ce around me sometime after four in the morning, but it didn’t stay long.
The things I did, the things she didn’t do, and the things she did do, all tearing apart my mind. Coffee permeated the air as I made cup after cup and stared out the floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room.
In the end, the only conclusion I came to was that we’d both fucked up. Everything.
I knew why I had. But Renee … although she didn’t sleep with him, why did she even let him that close?
We made out a little, yeah…
For fuck’s sake, why?
One thing was for certain—I wouldn’t get any answers by locking myself inside my apartment. My phone beeped in the bedroom, and I all but leaped over the couch, jogging down the hall to get it.
It was a text from my lawyer, confirming an appointment for next Saturday morning.
I pulled up his number, hitting the loudspeaker button as I rummaged through my drawers for a change of clothes.
His secretary put me straight through. “I’ve finally got the papers. I was going to call you—”
“No need. Tear them up.” I pulled off my shirt, chucking a fresh one on.
A booming silence, followed by, “What? I’m not sure—”
“You heard me.” My teeth clamped together.
He sputtered, “But it’s just about finalized.”
“Is it?” I asked, impatience funneling through me as I grabbed my wallet. “Finalized?”
“Well, no, but—”
“Good. Leave it be and you’ll still get paid. I’ll drop the money off later this week. Thanks for your time.” I grabbed my phone, disconnecting the call as I went to the bathroom to freshen up.
Tears leaked from my eyes all night, leaving red puffy pillows beneath them when the sun ascended into a blue sky. I padded down the hall after my shower, feeling an odd sort of detachment from myself.
I’d heard of people getting black-out drunk to the point of not remembering a thing, and I knew that was what had happened, yet I’d ignored that part of me that said to dig deeper. That maybe I hadn’t gone that far.