Pretty Venom

by Ella Fields

  Or had I? Perhaps my actions, my desperation to prove it in ways that could be proved, was that part of me screaming to be heard. Regardless, I’d done things I didn’t think myself capable of. That night with Mike, and in the months afterward.

  My excuse could be that I was a spoiled brat, used to getting what I wanted at any cost, but I knew better. When you have no way of fixing something and have nothing left to lose, failure seems incomprehensible. Leaving desperation your only companion.

  Wrapping my robe tighter around me, I closed the door to our dorm, ignoring Hannah who laid sprawled over her bed, chatting on her phone. I put my caddy away and ran a comb through my wet hair, wishing I had the energy to blow-dry it, but I was depleted. I needed coffee and away from this place. For just a little while.

  Unfortunately, that couldn’t happen with the end of the school year approaching.

  My phone rang on my dresser. I ignored it, knowing it was probably Mike. He’d called me ten times since last night, but I didn’t want to hear it. Not yet. Possibly not ever.

  I swiped some lotion on, paying attention to the puffiness beneath my eyes, then put a bit of mascara on as my phone lit up again.

  Hannah grunted with annoyance, mumbling something to whoever she was speaking to on the other end of her call. Taking my time because I was feeling unnaturally petty this morning, I dragged myself over to my dresser and snatched my phone to turn it off.

  It wasn’t Mike’s name on the screen, though. It was Callum’s.

  My thumb hovered, then hit accept. “What?” I asked quietly.

  “I’m outside, that’s what. Let me up.”

  I looked over at Hannah. “I can’t do that.”

  “You can’t, or you don’t want to?” He sighed when I didn’t answer. “Please, just give me ten minutes.”

  With a huff, I said, “You have five.” I tossed my phone down and went downstairs to let him in.

  Callum was leaning against the doors. I opened them without warning, and he almost stumbled inside. “Mouse.”

  “Come on, I’m not staying down here looking like this,” I said, catching his smirk as I turned back for the stairs. “My roommate’s here,” I said right before I swung open the door, Hannah turned and gaped at us, eyes whipping between Callum and me.

  “Uh, gotta go,” she said to her friend, hanging up the phone.

  Callum gave her a curt nod as I took a seat on my bed, and Hannah blushed before muttering something about needing to go to the library.

  We waited until she’d put her shoes on and grabbed her bag, the door shutting behind her as Callum navigated the small space between our beds. He picked up some papers, books, and opened and closed my drawers.

  “Stop it.”

  With a toe-curling grin lifting his full lips, he came forward, knees bumping into my bed as he stared down at me. “Where are all your things?”

  “Storage.”

  “We need to talk.”

  I wrapped my arms around my middle. “So talk.”

  He reached over, skating a finger down my cheek, then curling it around a damp piece of my hair. “You’re tired.”

  “That’s college life for you.”

  He huffed, losing his hold on my hair when I scooted back toward the wall. “I don’t even know where to start.”

  I nodded, linking my fingers together in my lap over my pink fluffy robe. “Yeah.”

  He took a seat on the edge of the bed, his eyes swimming with a million fleeting thoughts. I looked away. “Maybe we could start with you telling me how you ended up with Mike in that room in the first place?”

  Memories whirled and dissipated, my teeth sliding over my bottom lip as I stared at my fidgeting hands. “I was in there to use the bathroom.”

  Silence rained down on us.

  “How about …” He cleared his throat. “How you ended up kissing him?”

  That much I did remember, and even though it was too little too late, I still let the truth fall past my lips. “I remember staring at my reflection in the bathroom, and I saw him in the mirror. I was that drunk, I must’ve left the door open.” I shook my head, frowning. “He just … kind of did it. One second, I was looking at him, I think I was laughing, and the next, he was kissing me.” A withering smile hitched my lips, my voice catching. “I remember telling him he couldn’t do that. We laughed, and I … don’t know. I was upset. Angry.”

  Callum sat stone still, eyes down cast. “With me?”

  “Yes,” I whispered. “So frustrated, scared, and worried. It felt like …”

  “Like what?” He looked up, catching my gaze.

  My lips wobbled, and I blew out a long breath. “Like you were eventually going to forget all about me. It was already happening, and I got sick of watching it. Watching the girls touch you. Sick of feeling helpless to stop it. I was just another forgotten trophy wife in the making, and that killed me.”

  “Renee, no. I was an idiot. I know that, and I’m sorry.” Callum groaned. “It’s no excuse, but I’d just started with the team. It was all new and different, so much more than I could’ve anticipated. I just needed time.”

  I sniffed, my smile sad. “I know. I think I even knew it then, but I’ve always been selfish.”

  “So …” He paused, weighing his next words for a beat. “You kissed him to get back at me?”

  My eyes shut to keep the wetness at bay. “I think so. To take back some control maybe. I’m not sure. All I know is that I was hurting, way too drunk, and I lashed out.” I opened my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  “You haven’t …” He swallowed, his voice thick as he said, “There’s been no one?”

  “No one,” I confirmed. “Ever.”

  His head dropped into his hands. “Fuck.”

  We let the silence infiltrate once more, my head falling back against the brick wall as I stared over at the window by Hannah’s bed. The sun was shining. Luminous light spilled into the room in slanted rays that made dust motes dance around the fabrics in the room.

  “There’s no way out from here,” I said, voice quiet.

  Callum moved, his face in front of mine and filled with enough determination, hurt, and … affection to make my mouth fall open. “There’s always a way out.”

  I coughed out a wet laugh. “We’ve both blocked every exit, like the experts we are.” I grinned at him, whispering, “We’re stubborn like that.”

  His eyes slid to my mouth, and a small smile softened them. “I know.” He leaned forward, lips moving for my forehead. My blood seized as their smooth warmth met my skin. “So what do you do when there’s nothing left, nothing but love?”

  I closed my eyes as soon as that word reached my ears, my heart, my soul. Unable to bear hearing it after all this time. “Nothing.”

  Callum sat back on his haunches and took my face in his hands. His scent, the mint from his toothpaste on his breath, clouded everything. “We made vows.”

  “And we broke them,” I reminded him.

  He’d broken me in ways that were only just starting to catch up with me.

  “Then let’s see if we can fix it.”

  My heart cracked at the eager desperation in those brown depths. What I would’ve given, sold, ruined to see that mere months ago.

  On a shaken whisper, I said, “Vows are only words. Words that hold no weight without trust.” You could love someone until your final breath, but unless you could trust them, love wouldn’t let you keep them.

  “We can learn to trust again,” Callum said. “And I trust you, I do.” He nodded as if that would make me believe him.

  And therein lay the problem—I wasn’t sure if I could ever believe him again. Not after what had happened to cause me to lose belief in myself. “You don’t, and you’ve proven that.”

  He dropped his hands. “The evidence was there, Renee. What did you expect me to do?”

  “Not nearly all the things that you did,” I said before I could stop myself. Sighing, I crawled off the bed and opened
the door. “I’ve signed the papers, and I really am sorry. We’ll tell our parents when we get home for summer break if you want.”

  He was standing on the rug in the middle of the room.

  “Callum.”

  “I don’t want that,” he said with a quiet rasp.

  Knowing it would do me no good to look at him, I kept my gaze trained on his black boots. “Please, this is what I want.”

  “Not long ago, I was all that you wanted.”

  I did look at him then, eyes burning with tears. “What we want isn’t always good for us, or what we should have in the end, and this is why I’m asking you to leave.”

  With his thumb swiping over his bottom lip, he stared down at the ground a long moment, then snapped his gaze to me as he strode to the door. “You’ll change your mind,” he whispered into the top of my hair.

  I slammed the door behind him, then slid beneath the safety of my duvet.

  It hits you in small, sharp doses. Splitting you apart and tearing slowly until you’re fraying at the seams.

  And when I was left in tatters, there was only one thing to do. The only thing I could do.

  Stitch. Repair, reform, and create magic from something that was nothing but rags.

  For that was what I needed. Nothing short of magic could help me. But magic was bound by strength and that was hard to come by when you’d overindulged yourself as I had.

  The packages arrived daily at first. Gift vouchers to some of my favorite retailers and online fabric suppliers.

  Then came the flowers, jewelry, and a set of keys to his apartment.

  Our apartment, it had said on the note.

  As the weeks dragged on, I started handing them all off to Hannah. All of it except for the keys. I stuffed those in a lock box I kept hidden between the wall and my mattress with other sentimental items. Such as our wedding photos, the locket that once housed a spider, and my brooch.

  I didn’t want his presents, and if I was being brutally honest with myself, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted him. So I kept studying and kept ignoring his texts and the lingering looks he sent me if I happened to see him on campus.

  By the end of May, summer fell over Gray Springs in a suffocating blanket, making everyone eager to finish the year and leave.

  I was in the cafeteria when he finally decided to corner me. I didn’t know if it’d ever occurred to him before then that actually talking to me might work better than trying to appeal to my greed.

  He stopped at the table where I was seated. “The silent treatment. Another one of your games?”

  I slammed my drink down on the table, getting up and tossing it into my handbag before grabbing my sandwich.

  “Wait, I was kidding.”

  “Not funny and not waiting. Enjoy your summer.” I made haste out the doors, the heat engulfing me in its dizzying embrace. In an instant, he was in front of me. I stopped, rolling my eyes. “Move, already.”

  “No.”

  I squinted at him, my eyes watering without my sunglasses thanks to the position of the midafternoon sun. “Stubborn asshole.”

  “Listen,” he said, ignoring my frustration as he stepped closer. “I need to intern for the company over summer, so I won’t be around as much.”

  “Good,” I clipped. “I’m thinking of going to Fiji with my mom anyway. Is that all? I really want to eat now.”

  Callum’s brows knitted. “You’re avoiding me. And I want you to stop.”

  I scoffed. “No, but what I am doing is trying to move on with my life. Which, if I remember correctly, is exactly what you wanted me to do not long ago.” I skirted around him. “Let me know when you’re free, and we’ll tell our parents. Bye.”

  He caught up to me again. “Renee, fuck. Haven’t you been getting any of my gifts?”

  “Yes. I’m sure Hannah will be thrilled if you keep sending them. She wants new shoes to match the Prada bag.”

  A loud laugh barked out of him. “Jesus.”

  My dorm building came into view, close yet too fucking far away.

  He stopped walking as I neared the steps. “I’ll stop sending them, but you can’t ignore me forever.”

  I smirked at him over my shoulder. “Is that a challenge?”

  The answering smirk he gave me haunted me all the way upstairs until I slammed the door and finally ate my lunch.

  Driving home, a yawn tore out of me, the overgrown trees and rock-flecked road stretching ahead in a line that never seemed to end.

  Shame had become my new friend, moving in and making itself at home, rendering me incapable of making one confident decision. Sending Renee gifts was a cowardly attempt at redemption, but I could hardly face my own reflection after what I’d done, let alone face her with the kind of determination she deserved.

  And though I knew she deserved far better than me, I still wasn’t capable of completely submitting to defeat. Didn’t think I ever would be.

  I was stuck at a crossroads of my own making. The problem was, all roads led to her. And despite all my sickening attempts to prove otherwise—to her and to myself—they always would.

  I picked up my coffee cup from the center console, wincing when I realized it was empty, then set it down as my phone rang through the speakers of the car.

  “Hi, I’ll be home in ten,” I told my mom.

  She didn’t say anything.

  “Mom?” I asked, frowning down at the display quickly.

  “I’m here, one second.” A door shut in the background, her voice barely above a whisper as she said, “I called to warn you.”

  My frown turned into an uneasy smile. “Of?”

  “Your father and I, we know what you did.”

  She could be talking about so many things. Slowly, I blinked, hitting the brakes and turning into town. “Care to elaborate?”

  “I’m not happy, in fact”—she sighed—“I’m really, really heartbroken.”

  I bit my lip to keep a laugh at bay. “And what’s caused this?”

  “You and Renee. Rosa found a sticky note in Renee’s bedroom yesterday when she was giving it a thorough clean before she arrived home for the summer.”

  My foot eased off the gas, my face paling. I cleared my throat. “A sticky note?”

  “You’re married.”

  Fuck.

  I swiped a hand over my face, then pulled off the road half a mile out from home, dirt spraying, rocks pelting, as the car came to a sudden stop.

  “Cal? Did you hear me?”

  “Yeah,” I said, shaking my head as a tired laugh left me. “I heard you.”

  Silence filled the car, the afternoon sun beating down over the road and threatening to penetrate my tinted windows with its force.

  “You’re not denying it.”

  “What’s the point?” I said as soon as I thought it.

  “Your father is mad, Callum. Like I don’t even know what to do with him kind of mad. The kind of mad we rarely ever see.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  She urged on a whisper, “Being sorry will do nothing, get home and help me fix this.”

  “Will you forgive me, us, then?”

  A shrill laugh filled my car, then she hung up.

  Cursing repetitively, I pinched the bridge of my nose as I tried to think of what to do next. There was no point in avoiding this, and we were fools to believe we could carry on with it for so long and think that no one would ever find out.

  I pulled up Renee’s number as I turned back out onto the road. As expected, it rang out. I dialed again as I turned into my driveway, the shade from the leaning trees and the car’s air conditioning doing nothing to stop the sweat from beading on my neck and forehead.

  No answer.

  Parking, I snatched my phone, and I got out of the car, leaving my bags in the trunk.

  Dad was in his office, and I didn’t even get two raps on the door before he barked, “In.”

  He didn’t look up from his laptop as he waved a hand to the olive green leather armc
hair that sat in the corner of his office.

  I sat, and his head rose, his eyes full of so much rage that my hands clenched together as I struggled to hold his gaze, listening without choice as he instantly laid into me.

  “… company in dire situation.”

  “How?” I interrupted his tirade. Not to be a smartass, but because I genuinely wanted to know.

  He slammed his laptop closed. “Clients will ask why my teenage son was allowed to run off into the sunset and wed his girlfriend right under our noses, yet none of us knew. Do you know how bad this makes us look?”

  I understood what he was saying. But that was the thing about being a teenager. Just a few years could make all the difference. Back then, we thought we knew enough, or perhaps we didn’t care enough. Now, with adulthood bearing down on us as each month passed, clarity and understanding made me empathize with what was being said.

  “If we can’t control our own children, then how the hell do they expect us to control their millions?”

  Funnily enough, after all that’d happened, and all that still might come, I couldn’t bring myself to regret a single moment of those years, those hours, or those minutes that I spent with Renee. Most assuredly not the day we promised forever. Just us.

  “Weren’t you hoping we’d one day get married?” I drawled, finally able to relax a little into the plush leather.

  “Yes, one fucking day,” my dad spat, raking a hand through his graying hair. “You two were already a couple. That was more than we could’ve hoped for. I’m not so much an asshole as to push you into something as serious as marriage before you’re ready for it.”

  He got up, his hair a disheveled mess as he grabbed the decanter and poured himself a drink at the mini bar on the side of the room. He wasn’t a daytime drinker, but I kept my mouth shut, eyeing the disarray that was his desk. Papers were everywhere, some had fallen to the floor, and two empty coffee mugs sat precariously near the edge of the mahogany wood desk.

  “I don’t know what you want me to do or say here,” I finally said, feeling his eyes on me as he tossed back his drink.

  He laughed, the sound bitter and short as he moved to lean against the front of his desk. Papers crumpled behind him, but he didn’t care. He crossed his arms, staring down at me with a sardonic grin that looked much like some of my own, and had my stomach tightening.