Humiliated and Insulted

by Fyodor Dostoevsky

  “But… But you’re supposed to be there now… You’ve been invited there… How is it you’re here? W-what time is it?…”

  “Half-past ten! I was there… But I pretended to be ill and left, and… this is the first, the very first time in five days that I’ve been free, that I’ve been able to escape from them and come to see you, Natasha. To be honest, I could have come before, but I didn’t, deliberately! And why? You’ll find out in a moment. I’ll explain. That’s just why I came – to explain – only I swear, this time I’m not to blame for anything that concerns you! I repeat – I’m not to blame for anything!”

  Natasha raised her head and looked at him… but he looked back at her with such candour, his face was so cheerful, so honest, so suffused with joy, that it was impossible for her not to believe him. I expected they would cry out and fall into each other’s arms, as had happened many times before during similar reconciliations. But Natasha, as though overwhelmed by happiness, lowered her head and suddenly… began to weep softly. At this, Alyosha was no longer able to restrain himself. He fell at her feet. He showered her hands, her feet with kisses, he seemed to be in ecstasy. Her legs were giving way under her. I brought a chair up to her, and she sat down.

  Part Two

  1

  In a minute we were all killing ourselves with laughter.

  “For goodness’s sake, will you listen to me!” Alyosha’s ringing voice rose above ours. “You think it’s always the same with me… that I’ll come up with some cock-and-bull story again… I tell you, I’ve got some­thing really interesting for you. Will you both keep quiet for a moment!”

  He was desperate to tell us something. We could see by his expression that he had some important news. But his deliberate air of self-importance and naive pride at being the bearer of such news immediately provoked Natasha to laughter. I couldn’t help joining in. And the more annoyed he became, the more we laughed. In the end his vexation and childish despair brought us to such a pitch that were splitting our sides at the slightest pretext, like Gogol’s Mr Midshipman* at the sight of a raised finger. Mavra had come out of the kitchen and was standing in the doorway watching us, highly indignant that Natasha hadn’t given Alyosha the dressing-down she had been looking forward to for the past five days, and that instead we were all so merry together.

  At last, seeing that our laughter was upsetting Alyosha, Natasha stopped laughing.

  “What did you want to tell us?” she asked.

  “Shall I bring the samovar or shan’t I?” Mavra asked, interrupting Alyosha with scant regard for ceremony.

  “Go away, Mavra, go away,” he said, waving her away, wanting to be rid of her as quickly as possible. “I’m going to tell you everything that’s happened, everything that’s happening now and everything that’s going to happen, because I know it all. I can see, dear friends, you can’t wait to know where I’ve been for the last five days – that’s what I’ve been dying to tell you, if only you’d let me. Well, and this is the first thing – I’ve been deceiving you all along, Natasha, the whole of this time, I’ve been deceiving you for so long, and that’s really the most important thing.”

  “Deceiving me?”

  “Yes, deceiving you, for a whole month – I started even before my father arrived. Now the time has come to be completely frank. A month ago, when my father was still away, I quite unexpectedly got a really long letter from him, but I kept it secret from you both. He came straight to the point in his letter – and I tell you, the gravity of his tone really shocked me – he made it plain that my engagement was all settled, that my fiancée was nothing short of perfection, that of course I wasn’t worthy of her, but that I must nevertheless marry her come what may. And therefore I should prepare myself, I should knock all my stupid notions out of my head, and so on, and so forth – well, you know what he means by stupid notions. So you see, it was this letter that I kept from you…”

  “You did nothing of the sort!” Natasha interrupted, “fancy boasting about it! As a matter of fact, you told us all about it straight away. I remember you suddenly became so agreeable and affectionate, you kept close to me, as if you felt guilty about something, and bit by bit you told us everything that was in the letter.”

  “I couldn’t have – I don’t believe I could have told you the most important thing. Perhaps the two of you had guessed something – I wouldn’t know about that – but you didn’t hear it from me. I kept it quiet and suffered dreadfully.”

  “I remember, Alyosha,” I added, looking at Natasha, “you kept turning to me for advice, and you told me everything bit by bit, in a roundabout way, of course.”

  “You told us everything! So please don’t boast about it!” she confirmed. “What would you know about keeping a secret? As if you could deceive anyone! Even Mavra knew all about it. You knew, didn’t you, Mavra?”

  “Well, how could I not know!” Mavra responded, poking her head round the door. “You let it all out before three days were up. You don’t know the first thing about deceit!”

  “Oh dear, it’s such a pain talking to you all! Natasha, you’re doing all this out of spite! And you’re wrong too, Mavra. I remember, I was out of my mind at the time. You remember, Mavra, don’t you?”

  “As if I could forget. And you’re still out of your mind.”

  “No, no, I’m not talking about that. Surely you remember! We were hard up at the time, and you took my silver cigar case to the pawnbroker. But, the main thing, let me point this out to you, Mavra, you’re forgetting yourself dreadfully. It’s Natasha who’s let you get above yourself. Well, let’s suppose I did tell you everything there and then, bit by bit (it’s coming back to me now). But it’s the tone, the tone of the letter you didn’t know, and it’s the tone that is the most important thing about a letter. That’s what I’m trying to say.”

  “So what about the tone then?” Natasha asked.

  “Listen Natasha, you’re asking me as if it were a joke. It’s not a joke! I assure you this is very important. That tone took the wind out of me. My father had never spoken to me like that before. He’d rather have seen the world go up in smoke than have his will thwarted. That’s the sort of tone it was!”

  “All right, go on then, tell me – why did you need to keep it secret from me?”

  “Oh Lord! So as not to worry you of course! I was hoping to settle everything myself. Well then, it was after I got the letter, as soon as my father returned, that my misery began. I was all set to answer him firmly, clearly and to the point, but somehow I couldn’t manage it. And he wouldn’t even ask any questions, the sly old devil! On the contrary, he just acted as if the whole thing had been settled, and there could be no room whatsoever for any argument or misunderstanding between us. Can you imagine? No room whatsoever! Such self-assurance! And then he started being so friendly, so kind towards me. I was simply astonished. He’s so clever, Ivan Petrovich, if only you knew! He’s read everything, he knows everything – you only have to look at him once and he knows all your thoughts as if they were his own. That’s probably why they call him a Jesuit. Natasha doesn’t like it when I praise him. Don’t be cross, Natasha! So there you are… oh, incidentally! He wouldn’t give me any money at first, but this time, yesterday, he did. Natasha! My angel! Our poverty’s over now! Here, look! Everything he held back from me as punishment these last six months, he made up for yesterday. Look how much! I haven’t counted it yet. Mavra, just look how much money! No more pawning of spoons and cufflinks for us!”

  He drew from his pocket a rather large amount of money, about fifteen hundred roubles in silver, and put it on the table. Mavra inspected it with satisfaction and commended Alyosha for it. Natasha pressed him to continue his story.

  “Well, I thought, what was I to do?” Alyosha went on. “How could I go against him? That’s to say, I swear to you both, if he’d been nasty to me, if he hadn’t been so nice, I’d never have hesitated. I’
d have told him to his face that I was a grown man and able to look after myself, and that was the end of the matter! And believe me, I’d have stood my ground. But as it was – what could I say to him? But don’t blame me. I can see you don’t seem too pleased, Natasha. Why are you looking at each other like that? I suppose you’re thinking he twisted me round his little finger again and that I’ve no firmness. But I do have firmness, I do, and more than you think! And the proof is that, despite my situation, I immediately said to myself, ‘You must tell your father everything, it’s your duty to tell him everything,’ and I spoke, and told him everything, and he heard me out.”

  “But what exactly did you tell him?” Natasha asked anxiously.

  “That I wanted no other bride, that I already had one – you. Well, that is, I didn’t actually tell him that in so many words, I haven’t told him yet, but I have prepared him for it and I’ll tell him tomorrow. I’ve made up my mind. First, I started to tell him that to marry for money was shameful and dishonourable, and for us to pretend we were some kind of aristocrats was simply silly (I don’t mince words with him, it’s man-to-man between us). Then I put it to him that I was just an ordinary chap, and in the end that was what mattered. That I was proud to be just like everyone else and didn’t want to be singled out in any way… I spoke passionately, persuasively. I surprised myself. I convinced him in the end, even by his way of thinking… I put it to him, ‘What sort of princes are we?’ Only by heredity, but in essence, what’s princely about us? First, we’re not particularly rich – and it’s wealth that counts. The most important aristocrat these days is Rothschild. Secondly, no one’s heard of us in higher social circles for ages. The last of us anyone has ever heard of was Uncle Semyon Valkovsky, but only in Moscow, and then only for having sold off his last three hundred serfs to cover his debts, and if his father hadn’t bailed him out, his grandchildren would probably have been ploughing the land themselves like some other aristocrats I could mention. So we’ve got nothing to put on airs about. In a word, I told him everything that was boiling inside me – everything, frankly and straight from the shoulder. I even laid it on a bit here and there. He had nothing to say, he simply began to reproach me for having turned my back on Count Nainsky, and then said I should try to get into the good books of Princess K., my godmother, and that if I got on with Princess K., I’d be received everywhere and my career would be made, and so he went on and on. He was clearly hinting that since the two of us got together, Natasha, I’d neglected everyone, and that it was all in effect down to your influence. To be honest, though, he didn’t actually mention you, and even seemed to be avoiding talking about you. We were both playing it clever, biding our time and trying to outwit each other – and rest assured, it’s all going to turn out trumps.”

  “That’s all very well, but how did it end? What did he decide? That’s the important thing. You’re such a chatterbox, Alyosha…”

  “God only knows! I can’t make head or tail of what he thinks. And I’m not a chatterbox, I’m talking sense. He didn’t even try to decide anything – he just smiled at all my arguments with a sort of pitying smile. Of course I know it was humiliating, but I didn’t mind. ‘I quite agree with you,’ he said, ‘but let’s call on Count Nainsky – only make sure you don’t mention any of this there. I happen to understand you, but they won’t.’ I don’t think he’s particularly popular there himself. They’re not happy about something. I just got the overall feeling that somehow Father isn’t much liked in society at present. At first the Count received me very pompously, superciliously in fact; he seemed to forget that I’d grown up in his house, he had to think back to remember it, honestly! He’s simply angry with me for my ingratitude, but really there was no ingratitude at all on my part. It was unbearably boring at his house, so I just stopped going there. And he received my father terribly offhandedly, so offhandedly I wonder how he can still go there. It all made me really mad. Poor Father practically has to crawl before them. I realize it’s all for my benefit, but the point is I just don’t want any of it. Afterwards I wanted to tell my father how I felt about it, but resisted. What would have been the use? I wouldn’t have changed his convictions, I’d have just upset him, and it’s bad enough for him as it is. Well, I thought, I’d resort to cunning. I’d outsmart the lot of them. I’d oblige the Count to respect me – and what do you think? I got what I wanted straight away. In just a single day everything changed! Count Nainsky can’t do enough for me now. And I managed all this myself, by my own cunning, so that Father was left simply speechless!…”

  “Listen, Alyosha, you’d better stick to the point!” Natasha exclaimed impatiently. “I thought you were going to say something about us, but all you want to do is show off how you distinguished yourself at Count Nainsky’s. Your Count is no concern of mine!”

  “No concern of yours! Did you hear that, Ivan Petrovich – no concern of hers? But that’s the most important thing of all. You’ll see for yourself, Natasha. Everything will become clear in the end. Only let me get on with my story… I admit to you, Natasha, and to you too, Ivan Petrovich – I might as well be frank! – I’m not always very sensible. Well, there’s no hiding it, there have been occasions when I’ve been downright foolish. But this time, I assure you, I was pretty smart… in fact… I’d even say clever, so much so that I thought you’d be pleased to know I’m not always… unintelligent.”

  “Look here, Alyosha, stop it! My dearest!…”

  Natasha could not bear Alyosha to be thought of as unintelligent. How often had she sulked in silence when with scant ceremony I pointed out to Alyosha that he had committed some folly or other; it was a sore point with her. She could not bear Alyosha being humiliated, probably all the more because deep down she was only too aware of his shortcomings. But she never expressed her own opinion to him for fear of wounding his self-esteem. He was particularly sensitive in this regard and always guessed her innermost feelings. Natasha was aware of this and was troubled by it, so she would at once flatter him and make a fuss of him. That is why his words now found a painful resonance in her heart…

  “That’ll do, Alyosha!” she added. “You’re not like that at all, you’re just rather thoughtless. Why do you have to put yourself down so?”

  “Well, all right then. So, as I was saying – after my reception at the Count’s, my father went so far as to lose his temper with me. Well, I thought, this won’t do! We were on our way to the Princess’s. I’d heard she had long been in her dotage, was deaf too, and crazy about lapdogs. She has a whole pack of them and adores them. In spite of all this she has a lot of influence in society, and even the high-and-mighty Count Nainsky dances attendance upon her. So on the way there I hatched a complete plan of action. And guess what it was based on? Why, on the fact that all dogs like me – yes, honestly! I’ve noticed it. Either I’ve got some sort of magnetism in me or it’s because I really love animals. I don’t know, but dogs just love me, and that’s all there is to it! By the way, talking of magnetism, I didn’t tell you, Natasha, did I? We were calling up spirits the other day, I was at a spiritualist’s. It’s really strange, Ivan Petrovich, I was quite amazed. I called up Julius Caesar.”

  “Good Lord, what did you want with Julius Caesar?” Natasha exclaimed, collapsing with laughter. “That’s all we needed!”

  “Well, why not?… You’d think I was some sort of… Why shouldn’t I call up Julius Caesar? It’s no skin off his nose… She’s laughing at me!”

  “It’s all right, of course there’s no harm done… oh my dearest! Well, what did Julius Caesar have to say to you?”

  “He didn’t say anything. I just held the pencil and the pencil moved by itself across the paper and wrote. They said it was Julius Caesar writing. I didn’t believe it.”

  “And what did it say?”

  “It said something like ‘Dunk it’,* as in Gogol… now do please stop laughing!

  “What about the Princess?”

/>   “Well, you keep interrupting me. We arrived at the Princess’s and I started straight away by making it up to Mimi. That Mimi is the most wretched, obnoxious little animal you ever saw, obstinate and old, and she bites. The Princess absolutely dotes on her, she’s the apple of her eye. I think they’re roughly the same age. So I began to ply Mimi with sweets, and within about ten minutes I’d managed to teach her to give me her paw, something no one had been able to teach her in her whole life. The Princess was simply over the moon, she practically wept for joy. ‘Mimi! Mimi! Mimi can shake hands!’ Someone arrived, ‘Mimi’s shaking hands! My godson taught her!’ Count Nainsky came in, ‘Mimi’s shaking hands!’ She was almost crying with emotion as she looked at me. She’s the dearest old lady, I felt quite sorry for her. I wasn’t going to let the opportunity slip, so I flattered her. She has a snuffbox with a portrait of herself as a bride, some sixty years ago. She happened to drop the snuffbox and I picked it up and said as if in all innocence, “Quelle charmante peinture!* This is exquisite!” Then I had her in the palm of my hand. She went on about this, that and the other, where I’d studied, whom I visit, what glorious hair I had, and so on and so forth. I wasn’t diffident either – I made her laugh. I told her a scandalous story I knew. She loves that sort of thing. She wagged her finger at me but was convulsed with laughter all the same. When I was leaving, she kissed me and gave me her blessing and demanded I come every day to entertain her. The Count shook my hand, his eyes oozing admiration. And my father, who’s the kindest, sincerest man you could ever wish to meet – in a word, a perfect gentleman – was almost weeping with joy – you mightn’t believe it – when the two of us arrived home. He hugged me, became confidential, mysteriously confidential, and started going on about career prospects, connections, money, marriages, much of it over my head. That’s when he gave me the money. That was yesterday. I’m going to the Princess’s again tomorrow, but father’s really a thorough gentleman – don’t misunderstand me, even if he does try to drag me away from you, Natasha, it’s only because he’s dazzled by Katya’s millions, something you haven’t got – and he wants the money, but only for my sake, and it’s only out of ignorance he’s unfair to you. And what father doesn’t want happiness for his son? After all, it’s not his fault he’s used to reckoning happiness in terms of millions. They’re all like that. If one looks at it from that point of view – as one must – he’s perfectly right. I deliberately hurried straight to you, Natasha, to tell you this, because I know you’re prejudiced against him and, of course, you’ve every right to be. I don’t blame you…”