The Coil

by Gilbert, L. A.

  Hearing the door buzz and click open distracted him from his thoughts. He pushed the door open and made his way upstairs to Andrew’s door, and it was already open a crack for him. This was the one specific place he did not want to be, but Andrew was the most generous when it came to money, and he was hoping he could pay his rent with this one trick with Andrew, rather than with two johns. He pushed the door open.

  “In the bedroom,” Andrew called.

  He walked on through to the bedroom, seeing Andrew in a towel, his hair wet, sitting at a dresser while distractedly going through what looked like a bound stack of papers.

  “Make yourself comfortable,” Andrew mumbled and waved over his shoulder the vicinity of the bed.

  Mattie went as far as to drop his backpack, but left his coat on. He pushed his balled-up hands deep in his pockets as he sat down on the edge of the bed, waiting. Finally, Andrew threw the papers aside with an agitated sigh and strolled on over to the bed. Mattie had to fight to not flinch when the back of Andrew’s meaty hand stroked his cheek.

  God. He was nothing like Simon. Where Simon was slim and neatly presented, Andrew was overweight and constantly disheveled. Where Simon was quiet and thoughtful, Andrew was crude and inappropriate. Simon would practically fall all over himself apologizing if he were to ever unintentionally cause anyone offense. This guy? This guy was cocky.

  “What’s up with you? I know you’re not usually bowled over to be here, but it’s a little difficult to get in the mood when the guy who’s supposed to go down on you looks like he’s going to burst into tears, you know?”

  “It’s nothing.” Mattie took a deep breath and shrugged off his jacket. “Just get on with it.”

  “Color me flattered.”

  “Since when did you need romance?” Mattie snapped.

  “True, but I’d settle for willing.”

  “I’m here, aren’t I?”

  Andrew sighed, and instead of dropping the towel and getting on with it like usual, he sat beside Mattie on the bed with a huff. “You know what? I don’t even have it in me tonight.”

  “B-but I came all the way over here!” Mattie glared, relieved and pissed at the same time. There had been something about blowing Simon’s editor that felt a little extra wrong.

  Andrew waved a hand dismissively. “I’ll still pay you. Relax. It’s just been a hell of a day.”

  Well. That was… kind of decent of him. Feeling as if he owed the man something, Mattie relaxed a little and attempted to at least act as a listening ear. “You want to talk about it?”

  Andrew actually laughed, looking at him. “One of my writers is being a pain in the ass. You know him, actually. You met him at that art show, remember?”

  “Simon?” He asked quickly.

  A knowing smirk crossed Andrew’s lips. “So he did pay you a little transactional visit.”

  Mattie felt his ire rise. “It’s not like that.”

  Andrew raised an eyebrow. “No? Freebie for the writer but not the editor?”

  “Fuck you.” Screw the money. He’d find it another way, and he’d never set foot back in Andrew’s place again. He pulled on his jacket, but Andrew’s hand touched his arm. He didn’t care for his amused expression.

  “Wait a second. Are you telling me you’re dating him?”

  “And what if I am?”

  “You’re actually serious? You’re dating?”

  Mattie felt himself deflate a little. “We’re… sort of seeing each other. It’s a casual thing.”

  “Huh. He didn’t mention it this afternoon.”

  “Wait… he was here?”

  Andrew stood up with groan, stretching his arms above his head and then opening a drawer to pull out some clothes and get dressed. “Not here, no. We had a late lunch meeting with the publisher at the Grant.” He looked at Mattie. “That’s a hotel.” He pulled on his pants and murmured. “A pretty damn expensive one.”

  “What was it about?” He was practically leaning off the edge of the bed.

  “Kid, I can’t tell you that. Hell, he’s your boyfriend. You ask him.”

  Mattie deflated, wondering if Simon would mention it to him at all, or if Simon was even still speaking to him. Apparently he must have been wearing a kicked puppy expression, because a second later Andrew was sitting next to him on the bed, looking at him almost… kindly?

  Andrew heaved an exasperated sigh. “Oh, for the love of—do not repeat this. He’s scrapping his old book and starting fresh. We just spent a very tense lunch renegotiating his contract for another fucking extension.” He narrowed his eyes. “You repeat that and I’ll screw you over, kid. I’m not even joking.”

  “I won’t.” Mattie shook his head, feeling faintly proud of Simon but a little let down too. He’d played a rather integral part in a pretty big decision Simon had made that day, and he couldn’t even text him? Or perhaps it was because of this meeting he hadn’t been able to. Maybe his phone had been off.

  “Can I ask you something personal?” Andrew asked out of the blue.

  Mattie shrugged one shoulder. “I guess.” He supposed it was tit for tat.

  “How the hell is he okay with you doing what you do if you’re seeing each other?”

  Mattie contemplated going into the whole spiel of the parameters of their relationship, but didn’t have the energy. Instead, he settled for the truth. “I don’t know. Perhaps I don’t mean as much to him as he does to me.”

  Andrew stared at him. “That’s fucking depressing, kid.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “You’re….” He looked at him, squinting. “Ah, shit. You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

  After swallowing hard and looking anywhere but at Andrew, he nodded once. It was supposed to be a happy feeling, wasn’t it? Instead he felt like he was heading for a huge letdown. “I don’t think he feels the same way. Or if he does, I don’t think he’ll ever admit it.” And with that he suddenly knew that he would never have been able to go through it with Andrew that evening. A line had been drawn, at least where Andrew was concerned.

  “Shit.” With an angry huff, Andrew walked over to his dresser and searched for his wallet. Finding it, he paced back over to Mattie, standing in front of him. “Here….” He pulled out a large wad of bills. “There’s something close to two hundred there. Stop. Hooking.”

  Mattie looked up at him in shock, and slowly reached for the money in a daze. “You’re just giving this to me?”

  “I know two hundred won’t last long, but figure something out and stop hooking. Stop distracting my writer with this prostitution shit and make him love you back.” There was something close to genuine kindness in his expression. “It won’t be difficult for him,” he said softly. “You’re a real nice guy. Just drop the extracurricular activity, you know?”

  He didn’t know what to say. “I want to. I would for him, but I kind of need him to ask me. I need that reason.”

  Andrew shook his head. “I don’t know what else to say to you, kid.”

  Mattie stood up, and despite how desperate he was for the cash, he handed it back. “Thanks for this, but uh….” He shook his head. “I can’t take it.” He knew realistically it was dumb to turn the cash down, seeing as he’d been willing to suck dick for less money a half an hour ago, but when it was being offered to him for free, for some stupid fucking reason his pride wouldn’t allow him to accept it. He supposed that what it came down to was the degree of separation being too close between Andrew and Simon. Suddenly even being in the same room with Andrew without Simon seemed like a betrayal.

  Andrew took it back, shrugging helplessly. “Take care, yeah?”

  Mattie nodded. “Yeah.”

  SIMON sat at Sarah’s dining room table with his legs crossed and his chin resting in his palm. He was tired and wasn’t feeling all that great. The meeting had gone better than he’d expected. They were actually on board with him, but now there was just the pressure to deliver, and then there was Mattie. He’d bee
n glancing at his phone every so often for the past two hours, but he couldn’t bring himself to respond to him.

  A part of him knew he was being immature, and that perhaps his disappearing from the diner without saying good-bye may have worried Mattie, but every time he started to text back, he erased it. Mattie was somewhere with another man, and he was the one feeling guilty.

  He never lied to you. In fact, you were the one so adamant about being casual. You can’t hold it against him while holding him at an arm’s length at the same time. Be reasonable.

  “Here you go.”

  He was snapped out of his daydream when Sarah set down a steaming cup of coffee. He smiled halfheartedly and thanked her.

  “So if the meeting went so well, why the long face?”

  He heaved a heavy sigh, watching Jamie, who was lying on his tummy on the living room floor coloring in another sailboat. (He seemed to really like those.) “Well, the pressure’s on now, isn’t it? If this doesn’t work out then they drop me. That’s the deal.”

  Sarah’s look was scrutinizing. “You’re going to do great. Are you sure that’s all that’s bothering you?”

  He had to smile at how perceptive she was. “Nothing gets by you, does it?”

  “Not really.” She gently nudged his forearm with the back of her hand. “Come on, you haven’t said word one about who’s been keeping you company on the nights I sit for Jamie. Are you at least going to tell me his name?”

  “It’s complicated, Sarah.”

  “His name is complicated?” she teased.

  “Dippy woman, his name’s Mattie.”

  She smiled. “Okay, so tell me about him.”

  He glanced at Jamie again and lowered his voice. “We’re keeping it very casual. It’s nothing serious.”

  “No? You see him two or three nights every week. That doesn’t sound so casual to me. Where did you meet?”

  Deciding to gloss over the gallery incident, he told her about how they met at the diner, and the PBJ sandwich Mattie had made special for Jamie. Sarah was smiling, leaning forward on her elbows and blowing on her coffee.

  “That sounds rather romantic to me. And you didn’t tell me you were seeing him every day.”

  Simon shrugged. “I think of that diner as my place of work too.”

  “Ah, but now you’re mixing business with pleasure.”

  He laughed at her. “I would never get Mattie into trouble at work. Lord knows how he needs that job.”

  There was that shrewd look again. “Okay, tell me everything,” she said, putting her coffee down.

  He took a sip from his mug and shook his head, avoiding her gaze. “There isn’t anything to—”

  “You’re lying. If everything was fine you’d be with him tonight. Otherwise why did you ask me sit for Jamie?”

  “Ugh, meddling woman. No wonder I’m gay.”

  “Stop trying to evade my questions.”

  “But they’re annoying.”

  “Simon!” She laughed. “Talk. Now.”

  He smiled sadly at her and unfolded his legs to sit facing her across the table. He cast one more glance at Jamie to ensure he was preoccupied, and spoke in a low voice. “There are certain things about our individual lifestyles that just wouldn’t mesh.”

  She frowned, but nodded. “Okay, I get that you think yours is Jamie, but what about him?”

  “What do you mean, I think mine is Jamie?”

  She rolled her eyes. “I understand, I truly do, about how protective you feel toward your son. You don’t want to let anyone into your life that may change their minds and walk away a few years later.”

  “Right. It upset Jamie the last time that happened. I won’t let it happen.”

  “Simon, he was three years old, and you were still a relatively new father. It disrupted your schedule and therefore his. As he gets older, he’ll become—with the proper time and care—more self-reliant. Having Jamie does not mean you can’t have a normal romantic relationship. I think what you’re not admitting here is that you’re as much afraid that this someone will walk away from you, as you are of them walking away from Jamie. Again.”

  He shook his head. “No, Sarah. It’s just too much work. As it is my life is divided between Jamie and my writing. Being with someone means sacrificing some of that time where Jamie needs me.”

  She frowned heavily. “That’s nonsense. The past several weeks have proven that. He’s perfectly happy to be here with me for a couple nights a week.” She reached over and touched his hand. “Taking time away from him—even just two hours—does not make you a bad father.”

  He looked at his hands as he rubbed them together. “No?” he asked quietly and knew that this was something else that had been bothering him without his even realizing it. He was so used to being the primary caregiver, that he felt bad for the time spent away from his son. He felt guilty for enjoying not being a father for a few hours, and for spending that time with Mattie.

  “My God, you silly man,” she laughed affectionately. “No, not at all, Simon. You’ve been at it full-on for four years without a day’s rest, and you’ve done a wonderful job. Jamie is happy.”

  He looked over at Jamie, and he supposed that, yes, he was happy. They of course had their setbacks, but the two of them got by.

  “So why don’t you tell me what it is about his life that won’t mesh with yours. I know it’s not Jamie, because it sounds to me like he adores him.”

  He smiled reluctantly. “He does, actually. Even though he hasn’t seen Jamie since then, he always considers him, asks about him, that sort of thing.”

  “Then it’s him specifically. Is it… just not love?” she said quietly.

  He swallowed. “No, I have feelings for him. We’re just not very well suited.”

  “But why?”

  He sighed heavily. “Well, he’s seven years younger than me. He’s only recently finished a reading and writing course at the central library for illiterate adults, so he’s studying now for his GED so he can go away to school. In New York.”

  She frowned. “All right, I can see why you might be hesitant to start a relationship with someone who might be leaving soon, but I hope the fact that he doesn’t have his GED isn’t a factor for you. I mean, you would see how that might be hypocritical of you, right? It would be like someone assuming Jamie was stupid because he’s autistic.”

  He shook his head. “It’s not that. I’m actually quite proud of him for trying to get his GED. I’m just trying to give you a full picture, that’s all.”

  She nodded. “All right, so it’s the New York thing?”

  He hesitated. “Partly, though… he doesn’t really talk about that anymore. It’s as if he’s lost interest in the idea.” He looked at her a moment and spoke quietly. “No judging, okay?”

  “Simon, I haven’t even met him. Why would I—”

  “No, I know you won’t judge him. You’re too good a person to do that. I meant no judging me.”

  She nodded, looking confused. “All right.”

  “He’s… um,” he began in a hushed voice. “He’s a prostitute.”

  Her eyes widened. “Simon, y-you’re…?”

  “No!” he was quick to answer, and checked again that Jamie was still off in his own little world. “No, it’s… no money is exchanged between us. It’s just a genuine sort of… friendship… thing.”

  “You don’t sound very sure of that.”

  He sat back in his chair with a sigh and ran his hands through his hair. “I’m not. Sometimes I feel like he wants more, or thinks it’s more, and that terrifies me. But then… sometimes it just feels so comfortable and right, but that’s not what we agreed to in the first place, so….”

  She held a hand out palm up. “All right, all right. I see why this is complicated. Why did you think I would judge you?”

  He winced. “Because I’m starting to resent him for it.” He was quick to carry on when seeing her disapproving frown. “I know it’s unfair of me. He explaine
d that it meant nothing to him, he does it out of necessity, and that it’s ‘water off a duck’s back’ for him. What’s more, I was the one who wanted to make it clear that it would remain casual between us. I mean, I really pressed that, Sarah.”

  “But now you have feelings for him and… oh boy.”

  “And now I’m jealous. I’m jealous but I don’t want a commitment from him. How messed up is that?”

  “I’ll admit that seems a little unreasonable. Are you sure you don’t want any kind of commitment?”

  He shook his head immediately. “I’m not ready for that.”

  She bit her lip. “Where does he stand on all of this?”

  He sighed. “I have no idea what he’s thinking. It may be absolutely nothing to him, just a casual and regular hook up with a nice guy, or it could be a lot more.”

  “Oh, for—men, I tell you. Just talk to each other.”

  “And screw up what could be a great friendship with the added bonus of… uh, well.”

  She snorted. “I know where you’re going. Don’t worry.”

  “I think… I think I just need to play it by ear, try and feel him out.”

  She lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “Perhaps, as long as you don’t feel like you’re leading him on.”

  “I guess that’s one of the things I need to figure out.” He saw her worrying her lip, studying the mug in her hands. “What’s wrong?”

  “Simon, it’s none of my business, but… you are safe, aren’t you?”

  He frowned for a moment, unsure of what it was she was referring to, then snorted with quiet laughter when figuring it out. “We are always perfectly safe, I assure you. And… well, the one time we talked about what he does sometimes, he told me that he only does… certain things, and is always, always safe.”