The Coil

by Gilbert, L. A.

  “The flash went off, should be fine,” Mattie offered, knowing that, despite the fact Simon owned a laptop, a fancy phone, and an even fancier camera, the man just was not technically inclined.

  “I screwed up the lighting somehow. It’s a nice picture, but you’re all… silhouetted.”

  “Take it again,” Mattie offered.

  “Daddy, look!” Jamie chirped and pointed to a couple that strode past, hand in hand. The woman was carrying a large stuffed panda bear. “It’s a panda!”

  “It’s a big one,” Mattie offered enthusiastically, and Jamie nodded.

  “Do you like pandas, Jamie?” Simon asked, as always, trying to engage his son in this sudden new interest. Jamie nodded, and Simon reached into his back pocket for his wallet.

  “Let me get it for him,” Mattie offered quietly, hoping Simon wouldn’t mind.

  Simon practically beamed. “Sure, thanks. I think the gift shop is this way.” He nodded and then reached for Jamie’s hand. “Mattie’s buying you a panda! What do we say to Mattie?”

  “Thank you, Mattie,” Jamie chimed, clinging to his dad’s hand.

  “No problem, kiddo.”

  They had the gift shop in their sights when crude squawking caught their attention. An excited squeal of “Penguins!” from Jamie had them veering off course toward the penguin enclosure, and Mattie had to admit, Ty had been right. Penguins were the best.

  “Having fun?” Simon asked him with a mixture of teasing and amusement.

  “Hell yeah!” Mattie laughed.

  “You know they don’t sing and dance like Happy Feet, right?”

  Mattie elbowed him in the side, and Simon laughed, hugging him close before speaking quietly in his ear. “It’s getting a little late. I think that gift shop might be closing soon. Do you want to stay here to watch the penguins with Jamie while I go get that panda?”

  Mattie looked over his shoulder. “You’re okay with that?” Aside from sitting on the couch, watching Lord of the Rings and being schooled on Tolkien by Jamie while Simon was in his office writing, he’d never really been left to look after Jamie by himself before.

  “I trust you. More to the point, so does Jamie.”

  Mattie stole a quick kiss and then reached into his back pocket for his wallet. “I still want it to be from me,” he whispered and put a twenty in Simon’s hand.

  “Be right back,” he murmured, then louder for Jamie to hear over the noisy birds. “Jamie? I’m going to be right over there, okay? I want you to stay with Mattie.”

  Jamie nodded, and Mattie crouched down beside him. “Can I hold your hand?” he asked softly. Jamie hesitated, and then with a nod, placed his own much smaller hand in Mattie’s.

  Mattie glanced back at Simon. “We’re good.”

  “I won’t be long.”

  Standing there, alone with Jamie and trying to make him giggle by giving voice-overs to the penguins, he felt like a whole new person compared to who he had been a year ago. This gorgeous little kid who barely spoke to anyone was letting him hold his hand. The man he loved and adored was thirty feet away buying a giant panda. Life was good.

  Noise drew his attention to the small crowd walking toward them. He felt Jamie squeeze his hand as a group of schoolchildren, all in uniform and obviously enjoying a day trip to the zoo, approached the penguins with excited chatter.

  “Shall we go find your dad?”

  Jamie didn’t answer. Instead, he was humming to himself and mumbling a list of numbers as the noise around them grew and the kids jostled for the best position to see the penguins.

  “Off we go,” Mattie spoke cheerily, gently pulling Jamie’s hand closer to him in an attempt to keep any of the children from bumping into him.

  No such luck. He didn’t know which child had knocked Jamie into his side, and it didn’t matter, because the tears were as quick as they were noisy. Jamie was clearly torn between wanting to yank his hand away from Mattie and wanting to move closer to him to escape the crowd. Mattie glanced around them quickly and gritted his teeth, realizing that to leave the penguin enclosure would mean having to walk back through the gated entranceway that was now crowded with excited schoolkids.

  Instinctively, he edged them both to the back of the crowd, away from the noise, and again glanced toward the busy exit, praying to see Simon with giant panda in hand. “It’s all right, Jamie. We’re just fine, little man.” He tried to soothe, rubbing his thumb over Jamie’s knuckles.

  He glanced behind them and felt a rush of relief that was short lived. The enclosure, and the standing area around it, was surrounded by a low fence. He could easily step over this fence that didn’t quite reach up to his waist, but Jamie could not. He crouched in front of Jamie, who was squeezing his eyes shut.

  “Jamie, we can go back to where your dad took that picture of us under the tree, remember that? There won’t be anyone else there, but I’m gonna have to pick you up for a second. Is that all right?”

  There was no answer, only Jamie’s unhappy humming as small hands gripped at the edges of his blue cape, pulling it close around him. Mattie crouched, and instead of scooping him up, he loosely put one arm around him and more or less encouraged Jamie into his arms. As soon as he stood with Jamie in his arms, the frightened tears returned and Jamie began to squirm. He was over the fence and had Jamie back on his feet in two seconds flat. Any attempt to shush Jamie or take his hand to lead him toward a quieter area was pointless. He bit his lip, unsure, and then reached for his cell and called Simon.

  “Hey, can you come back? We’re near where you took that picture. No… no, Jamie got frightened by some kids and needs you.” The phone immediately went dead, and Mattie slid his cell back into his pocket. Jamie was still tugging at his cape.

  He seemed to remember Simon mentioning this to him a few months ago. Something about the pressure to Jamie’s nervous system calming him. Looking at Jamie now, it didn’t seem to be working. He slid off his jacket.

  “Here, kiddo. You want my jacket?”

  The jacket dwarfed him, but Mattie draped it over his small shoulders, not daring to pull it around him tight. Jamie seemed to calm a little, at least, and now only stood with his eyes closed, breathing heavily.

  “Let’s get this buttoned up, hey?” He reached for the top button under Jamie’s chin, and was startled by the insistent “No!” Jamie yelled.

  “Mattie?”

  Mattie looked behind him to see Simon jogging toward him with a giant panda under his arm. He sighed in relief and moved out of the way for Simon to crouch in front of Jamie.

  “Hey, now,” Simon crooned softly, smoothing a hand over Jamie’s head while trying to catch his gaze. “What’s all this?”

  “A group of schoolkids—that came out of nowhere, by the way—crowded us and kind of… jostled him. I’m sorry.”

  “Come here, baby,” Simon murmured, and Mattie watched, impressed at how Jamie just sank into his dad’s arms, letting himself be held. “Don’t be sorry,” Simon spoke quietly to Mattie while rubbing slow circles into Jamie’s back. “You did great, Mattie. You did just the right thing.”

  Mattie rubbed the back of his neck, feeling guilty regardless. “You sure? He was pretty upset.”

  “Trust me, give it a little time and he’ll be all smiles again.”

  Mattie nodded. “Okay. I hope this didn’t spoil the zoo for him. He was having such a great time….”

  “Just you wait.” Simon smiled. “He’ll be begging to come back here in a few days. He loves animals.”

  Mattie heaved a sigh of relief. “Good. Are we heading off now?”

  “Yes, I think so. They close in forty-five minutes anyway.”

  “Okay, let me grab this.” Mattie hefted the panda under his arm.

  Simon frowned, only seeming to just realize what it was Jamie was wearing. “Is this your jacket?”

  “Uh, yeah. I remembered you saying something about pressure calming him down.” He shrugged, feeling a little embarrassed. “Proba
bly didn’t work, but at least he’s toasty.”

  “Come here.” Simon pulled him close by the front of his T-shirt and craned his head away from Jamie to kiss him softly. “You just continue to surprise me.”

  “I hope that’s a good thing.”

  “It is. You’re not cold, are you?”

  “Nah, I’m fine.”

  “All the same, let’s get going—Oh, I got you something too.”

  “I only see one panda, mister.”

  “In my back pocket, and no goosing me in public, you.”

  Mattie snorted and reached a hand into Simon’s back pocket, taking a moment to go ahead and goose the man anyway. He pulled out a small plastic wrapper. “A key ring?” He pulled it out of the clear wrapper and laughed. “A penguin key ring, nice.”

  “Well, you need one. You can’t go around keeping your keys on a piece of string. You’re just asking to lose them.”

  Mattie laughed, remembering the horrified look on Simon’s face when he picked up the keys that, yes, were in fact hooked onto a shoestring. “Ty’s gonna have a fit. He’d love this.” He was already pulling his keys out of his pocket to transfer them over.

  “Look a little closer.”

  “What am I looking at?” He turned it over in his hand and noticed that there was something on the plastic penguin’s stomach. The middle of the penguin was almost hollowed out, and there was a small bubble of liquid with a moving arrow inside.

  “It’s a compass.”

  “You are such a boy scout,” Mattie laughed. “Come here.” He kissed Simon on the cheek. “Thank you for my compass.”

  “You’re welcome. No getting lost on me, okay?”

  He looked at the small plastic compass in his hand, smiling softly to himself and not quite able to meet Simon’s eyes. He settled for gently nudging him in the side. “Love you.”

  “You too. Now guide us home.”

  “DONATELLO was my favorite.”

  “You’re making me feel old.”

  “You’re not old.”

  “Just older than you.”

  “You’re distinguished.”

  “Writing books and owning a house doesn’t make a person distinguished.”

  “Then what does?” Mattie drew lazy circles on Simon’s chest. His head nestled comfortably on his shoulder. “What makes a person better than other people? What makes a person respected?”

  “Aren’t we getting a little deep?”

  “I want to know what you think, that’s all. Come on, in your opinion….” He lifted his head from Simon’s shoulder and leaned up on one elbow to look down at him. “In your opinion, what makes a person better than any other?”

  Simon squinted at Mattie, smiling slightly as he pretended to give it some thought. “Let’s see… I’m guessing you’re expecting me to say something along the lines of… kindness? Compassion or intelligence?”

  Mattie hummed and reached to run his fingers through Simon’s hair. “Something like that. Though I was expecting you to put it more eloquently. Being as wordy as you are and all.”

  “Well, you’d be wrong.” Simon reached for the duvet, pulling it up higher over the both of them.

  “This should be good.”

  “I think that remembering your favorite Ninja Turtle at the age of twenty-six is pretty special.”

  “The word ‘special’ can be taken in so many ways.”

  Simon laughed. “Special as in beautiful. Beautiful and individual and untainted by the grind that is life, sometimes.”

  “Now who’s getting deep?”

  “I’m just saying I wish I’d known you years ago. I’m saying that you’re special in the beautiful way.” Simon tugged him by the arm, encouraging Mattie to lie back down, and then draped an arm around his shoulders to hold him close. “I’m saying that I find it cute that you had a favorite Ninja Turtle.”

  “I didn’t think the show would still be airing. It’s from the nineties, right?”

  Simon shrugged, his fingers ghosting up and down Mattie’s bicep. “Not sure. I don’t think Jamie’s actually ever seen it.” He frowned. “He’s not really a fan of cartoons.”

  “Then why’d he choose that backpack?” Mattie asked, referring to Jamie’s Ninja Turtle school bag.

  “He might have liked the colors. And he does love animals. Oh….” Simon poked him in the shoulder. “Thank you, by the way. Because of you, I’m probably going to have to buy him a bunny.”

  “Ha ha.”

  “A hamster, a rabbit… he’s going to have his very own zoo by the time he’s ten.”

  “You’re exaggerating. You love seeing him get excited over animals.”

  “Hence why he’ll probably have his own zoo.”

  At the mention of the zoo, Mattie thought about the trip earlier that day. Something was niggling at him. “Jamie’s cape….”

  “The security blanket that will outlive us all, yes?”

  Mattie huffed a quiet laugh. “That’s what it is?”

  “Actually, no. I mean, perhaps it is on some subconscious level, but I did ask him why he needed his cape once.”

  “Yeah? What’d he say?”

  Simon began to speak, stopped to chuckle softly, then wet his lips and continued. “He said it wasn’t a cape at all. It’s a cloak, as in what a Hobbit wears.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  “Nope.”

  “That’s adorable,” Mattie laughed.

  “Yep,” Simon agreed, grinning. “In his own words, it’s ‘his magic cloak that makes him invisible’.”

  “You sure he isn’t thinking of Harry Potter?”

  “Where are you up to on the books and movies?” Simon asked.

  “I’ve seen The Fellowship and The Two Towers. Me and the J-man are gonna watch the last one tomorrow. I’m still on the first book.”

  “I think it mentions it in the first book, but you see it in the last film. Them elvish cloaks be wicked cool.”

  “You just said wicked cool.”

  “I know. Sorry about that.”

  Mattie laughed and pressed a kiss to Simon’s neck. “So… if he thinks his cape—sorry, cloak makes him invisible, then it is a safety thing.”

  Simon shrugged. “It’s a bit of both. Tolkien is his favorite storyteller—”

  “That’s awesome, by the way,” Mattie interrupted. “Having a favorite author at his age.”

  “Not so much a favorite author as a favorite story, but yeah, I know what you mean.”

  “So, both? Security and plain old little boy hero worship?”

  “Yes.”

  “He, um… he did this thing, at the zoo,” Mattie began slowly.

  “What thing?”

  “When I put my jacket on him. I was going to button it up, but he froze up and wouldn’t let me touch him. I didn’t know if it was because he thought I was going to untie the cape, or…?”

  “Ah. No.” Simon shook his head. “That’s his neck thing, remember? He doesn’t like the area around his neck to be touched; it’s like a trigger for him.”

  “With other things…,” Mattie began, “I mean, there are a fair few things that upset him, right?”

  Simon nodded. “Right.”

  “But those are usually gradual things. Like when he’s in a noisy atmosphere, or somewhere unknown? He’ll hum, and he’ll do the number thing before he gets really upset….”

  “Kind of like stages, yes.”

  “But you touch him near his neck or accidentally step on his cape—which I guess tugged at his neck, now that I think about it—you do that and it’s like… he cuts out those stages.”

  Simon nodded. “It’s pretty much zero to sixty,” he sighed. “I don’t really know what it is, and believe me I’ve read every book there is, spoken to all kinds of doctors… it’s just a part of him. For some kids—kids like Jamie—it could be touching their ears, hair, holding their hand… it’s just something that terrifies him.”

  “Like he’s being choked.” Ma
ttie spoke softly.

  “I guess so.”

  Mattie nestled closer. “I know that feeling.”

  Simon’s hand stilled in Mattie’s hair a moment. “What do you mean? Someone choked you?” he asked with a sense of dread.

  “No—well, yes. But I didn’t mean it literally.”

  “You were choked?” Simon asked thickly.

  “Simon,” Mattie sighed in a tone of voice that did not invite further discussion. “I told you… it was a dangerous profession, if it can be called a profession.”

  Simon closed his eyes, nodded. “Sorry. So, if not literally…?” he encouraged, forcing the image of Mattie being hurt out of his mind’s eye.

  Mattie hesitated. He watched his thumb gently graze through the light stubble on Simon’s chin. “It’s not something I’ve ever really talked about before,” he offered quietly.

  “Then you should probably get it out.” Simon slid an arm across his waist, his touch possessive. “You can tell me.”

  Mattie cleared his throat quietly and shrugged one shoulder. “No big thing, really. It’s just… it’s this picture I keep in my head. Like….” He took a breath, then sighed in frustration. “You know when you’re feeling anxious, or… I don’t know, like you can’t cope?”

  “Yeah, sure. I’ve been there.”

  “Well, I’d sometimes picture this… this rope. A coil of rope, wound tight inside of me.”

  “Inside you,” Simon echoed quietly.

  “Yeah. Like when things got really bad… say like when I really, really hated who I was….”

  “Why would you ever hate who you are? You’re amazing.” Simon spoke sadly.

  Mattie shook his head. “Personality doesn’t come in to it, believe me. When you can’t afford to buy yourself socks that don’t have holes in them, or you can’t pay back a friend without resorting to getting on your knees in front of a stranger….” Mattie twisted his fist closed around the edge of the pillow. “You’d be surprised at how quickly a guy can learn to hate himself.”