by Indiana Wake
He couldn’t really imagine Katie being impressed by such things, but what did he really know of what romance meant to her? They had just been friends. Their open conversations, their light teasing of one another, their almost constant companionship; maybe they really had got too close to be anything other than friends?
And maybe he was fooling himself to think that they could ever have been anything else. He had been right all along to exercise caution, to put the nutcrackers on the feelings which he had known would be problematic from the very start.
But none of that was helping him now, not the reason, not the common sense. He wasn’t quietly telling himself anything he didn’t already know, but it didn’t stop the pain in his heart. He really did love her, and he didn’t want to see her in somebody else’s arms.
But if he loved her as much as he thought he did, perhaps he owed it to her to let her go. After all, what prospects did he really have? A wounded ex-soldier, careering about his family’s ranch on a wagon, disturbing the cattle rather than herding them, nowhere near as purposeful as he had begun to think.
And Katie was a young woman; eighteen, smart, interesting, and beautiful. Surely, she deserved better than that? And maybe, if he was honest with himself, she would be better off with the handsome young man with the confident walk and the overly romantic gestures.
Chapter 18
Katie was sure that Arlen was a little down again. He’d been quiet the last few days, not cutting in as he normally did when she was reading to him. Instead, he let her read the last few chapters of The Count of Monte Cristo without any interruptions whatsoever, leaving her wondering if he really was enjoying the final throes of the story, or if there was something else on his mind.
He looked a little tired to her, as if he hadn’t been sleeping so well, and she wondered if his leg had been giving him pain throughout the night.
“So, what do you think?” she said with excitement. “You could try it.”
They had been talking on and off for the last few days about Arlen finally trying out his slowly developing thigh muscle in the saddle. At first, he seemed excited about it, his expression kind of wondrous as it had been on that day when he closed his eyes and imagined himself up on horseback again.
But now he didn’t seem quite himself and Katie wondered if she was pushing him too far, too fast.
“Well, I guess I could give it a go,” he said, seeming to come back to himself for a minute. “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“You could fall off, I suppose.” Katie answered truthfully, and he started to laugh.
It was the first time she’d heard him laugh that day and she realized then just how much she’d missed it. She would never have imagined, when she first met him, that Arlen Bryant was a man who spent so much of his day laughing. Humor and amusement meant a great deal to him, possibly even more now than ever before. And she liked to hear him laugh, he had such a deep voice. His laugh had a wonderful rumbling quality, making his voice sound even deeper.
“Do you want to try it now?” Katie asked gently. “Only if you want to, of course.”
“I guess so.” He sounded far from convinced.
“Arlen, you’re not just saying yes to please me?”
“No.” His laughter had disappeared, and Katie had a dull sense, knowing that something wasn’t quite right.
“What is it?” she asked and leaned her elbows on the table in Mary’s kitchen. “You seem down.”
“I’m not. Really, I’m fine,” he said flatly.
“Am I pushing too hard? You can just tell me to stop.” She felt strangely helpless and upset without understanding why. “Sometimes I don’t know, and you have to say it.”
“You’re not doing anything wrong.” He smiled at her, but the feeling just wouldn’t go away.
“Do you want to leave it today? Maybe we should try it when you’re feeling better. The horse will pick up on, well, whatever it is you’re feeling.”
“I’m not feeling anything.”
“Nothing at all? Not happy, not sad, not angry? Nothing at all?”
“Nothing at all.”
Katie fell silent, not knowing how to proceed. Whatever it was that had kept him down the last couple of days, she could sense it coming to a head. He was sullen, just like when she’d first met him, even though he now tried to hide it.
“If you’re angry with me, you should just say.”
“No, I’m not. Look, I guess I’m just having one of those days. I’m not great company and I don’t mind if you want to run for the hills.” He tried to laugh. “You know, save yourself?”
“I don’t reckon I need to save myself from you. We’re friends, aren’t we?” She felt a little tearful and hoped she wasn’t about to cry in front of him.
Katie rarely cried in front of anybody and she knew she’d feel small and embarrassed if she did it now.
“Yes. Friends. We’re friends, sure enough.”
Katie wanted to do something to change his mood but didn’t know what. Maybe he was fed up again, his life being centered around the ranch house more often than not. Maybe a change of scenery would do him good.
“The barn dance is on again this Saturday,” she said suddenly and without thinking. “Do you maybe want to go? With me, I mean?” she said and felt her cheeks flaming with sudden shyness.
Katie knew she was showing him a little more of how she really felt, wanting to let him know she would really like him to take her out someplace. Take her out properly.
“The barn dance?” he asked and scowled at her. “Because you think I would be such a good dancer?” His attitude was suddenly the same as it had been the first time they’d sat opposite one another at that very table.
“Oh, no. I didn’t mean to…. Please, forgive me, I just wanted to make you feel better.”
“I don’t need your pity.”
“It wasn’t pity.”
“Oh, I see,” he said in a tight voice. “So, you really did want me to take you to the dance, did you?” His tone was so sharp, cruel almost, and she couldn’t believe they were suddenly back at square one.
Only this time she wasn’t full of fire and anger like last time. She had none of the sudden determination to defend herself and challenge his attitude. She just felt hurt; so terribly hurt.
“Yes,” she said, her eyes welling painfully with hot tears.
She kept her eyes wide open as she stared down at the table top, scared to blink in case the tears squeezed their way out and he saw them.
He remained silent, as if contemplating her answer, which made her feel worse than ever. She’d given herself away. She’d let him know how she felt about him and he was appalled, just as she had been when Todd had paid her such unwanted attention.
But to think that Arlen now felt about her just exactly what she had felt for Todd was unbearable. It felt like a knife driving right into her young heart and she was more hurt and humiliated than she could ever have imagined his rejection would make her.
Knowing that she couldn’t stay there another moment, Katie got to her feet so fast the chair toppled over and landed with a crash on the floor, jarring her nerves and making her feel worse than ever.
“Katie,” Arlen said in a quiet voice.
She couldn’t respond, she just had to move.
“Wait,” he said and sounded almost sorry.
“No,” she said, turning away from him as the first tear rolled down her face. “I don’t need your pity either,” she said in a voice that was finally breaking, before flying out through the kitchen door and running as fast as her legs would carry her.
When Mary finally returned home and appeared in the kitchen, Arlen was still sitting there with his head in his hands.
“Arlen?” she said the moment she saw him. “Are you all right? Has something happened?” Her voice was becoming high-pitched with concern.
“I just had a bust up with Katie,” he said sullenly.
“A bust up? How, for God
’s sake? I never knew two people to get along like the pair of you.” She sat down without bothering to remove her shawl.
“She asked me to take her to the barn dance.”
“And that upset you? For goodness sake, you know she wouldn’t have meant to hurt you. You might not be ready for dancing, but maybe she thought you’d enjoy it anyway.”
“Out of what? Pity?” he said bitterly.
“No, of course not. Why are you back here again? You know Katie doesn’t stick around out of pity.”
“Then why did she ask me to take her out?”
“I would have thought that was painfully obvious!” Mary said, her voice raised in annoyance now, rather than concern. “Or is it not?” She was scowling at him fiercely.
“What?” he said, wishing he hadn’t got out of bed that day.
He had never meant to act on his feelings of rejection. After all, he really didn’t know a thing about the handsome man Katie had gone to the diner with, not to mention the fact that she was a free woman with a right to go wherever she pleased and with whomever she pleased.
But the whole thing had stayed with him; the sudden shock of his own feelings plummeting the way they had when he’d seen them together. It had rolled around his mind ever since and he’d found it harder and harder to be in her company and not say a thing about it.
But it had rolled around for too long, burning him from the inside just as his old pain and bitterness had done before; the pain and bitterness only Katie had managed to vanquish.
And now he’d lost her completely. She was a sweet woman, but not so foolish as to put up with that kind of behavior again, especially if she had someone else’s arms to run into.
“If Katie asked you to take her to the barn dance, then it was because she wanted you to take her to the barn dance. Don’t you see? She normally avoids the barn dance at all costs.”
“She does?” he questioned and realized they’d never talked about it before.
He knew she’d been a time or two lately with her sister, but other than that, he didn’t know whether she enjoyed it or not.
“She can’t stand it. Connie Langdon told me.” Mary sighed and rested her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands. “She gets young men asking her to dance all the time and she doesn’t want to dance with them. She’s not interested. Do you still not see?” Mary sounded truly annoyed.
“Well, Connie’s news might be old news, Mary,” he said sarcastically.
“How’s that?”
“Because she’s not so keen to turn her back on them anymore. Well, one of them, anyway.” He sneered as he remembered the young man who was probably everything he wasn’t.
“What? Who, for God’s sake?”
“I don’t know his name, but he’s young and probably handsome.” He spat the words. “And she went to the diner with him a few days back. I saw her with my own eyes when I went to town to get your flour.”
“Oh, my Lord!” she said, her eyes wide.
“There! Now do you see, Mary?” he said, curiously triumphant, even if the facts of the matter tore his heart out.
“Oh, I do see. I see all right. And do you know what I see?”
“What?”
“A complete fool right in front of me, that’s what!”
“I beg your pardon?” he said, unable to believe Mary was still so angry with him, even now she had the truth.
“I take it you didn’t bother to stick around? No? Because if you had, you would have seen that same young man come scampering out of the diner not two minutes later after being threatened with physical harm by Connie for pestering Katie!” She held up a hand to stop him interrupting. “That was Todd Garner. A young peacock who has been chasing after Katie since long before you knew her. He’s just the sort of man Katie has hidden herself away from ever since folks started noticing what a beauty she’d become.”
“Todd Garner? I’ve never heard of him,” Arlen said uselessly as he tried to wrap his mind around everything Mary had told him.
“Yes. He followed her down to the diner that day and wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
“I didn’t know any of this. Katie never told me any of it.”
“Because Katie doesn’t roll around in the things which upset her the way you do. She concentrates on her garden and her books and the things which matter to her. Like you, Arlen Bryant!” She was calming down, but only just. “I think you’ll agree that Connie’s news is far from old, huh?”
“I guess so,” he said flatly and ran his hand through his hair. “Oh God, she was so upset.”
“I’m not surprised if you went accusing her of something she hadn’t done.”
“I didn’t.”
“What?”
“I didn’t say anything about it.”
“Then just what did you say?”
“I was rude to her when she asked me to take her to the barn dance.”
“Arlen!”
“I thought she was asking me out of pity.”
“That’s right. Asking the injured soldier to take her to the dance instead of her handsome new beau.”
“Something like that.”
“That’s not why she asked you.” Mary shook her head sadly. “My word, even now you don’t see. What a fool you are, Arlen.”
“I know. I shouldn’t have just assumed like that.”
“That’s not what I mean. You just don’t see how much Katie Lacey loves you.” She let out a great sigh.
“What?”
“Surprised?” She went on and clicked her tongue. “I can see that you are.”
“I don’t think so,” he said although he began to wonder if Mary was right. And if she was, he’d just rejected Katie in the cruelest way imaginable. “Are you sure?” He said in a near-whisper.
“Of course, I am. Arlen, you’re just about the most important person in the world to me. Why would I tell you that if I wasn’t sure? Why would I send you off to make a fool of yourself if I didn’t know it right down deep in my bones?”
“Oh, my God! I have to go. I have to get to her,” he said and scrambled to his feet.
“Come on, I’ll help you hitch up the wagon.”
“No, not this time. I need to saddle my horse.”
“What?” Mary said, her anger now fully dissolved into concern.
“Trust me, I have to do it.”
Chapter 19
By the time Katie ran down the steep incline which led to the lumberyard, she was breathless and exhausted. She’d run all the way from the Bryant ranch, right through town, not stopping once.
She had not run so far and so fast since she was a little girl and her muscles were screaming in protest. But she had not stopped, nor even slowed, until she scuttled down the incline, almost falling.
She was gasping now, her tears truly flowing when she saw the familiar sight of home. As she ran right around the back of the lumberyard, the house just yards away, her daddy came tearing out of the door of the big old building where they stored the long lengths of uncut timber.
“Katie?” he said, already starting to run to catch her. “Katie, stop. What happened?” She had never heard him sound so desperate, but she could not stop.
She needed to be in through the kitchen door, running through the house to her own room where she could cry her heart out in private.
But as she raced through the kitchen, her ma’s startled face was enough to let her know that crying her heart out in private was not going to be an option.
“Katie?” Grace said, dropping the carrot she was making ready to peel and scrambling up from the kitchen table.
No sooner was her ma up on her feet than her daddy came bursting in through the kitchen door, his eyes wild with worry.
Without another word, Grace closed the distance between her and Katie and dragged her into her arms, holding her tightly.
“Oh, Mama.” Katie wailed, sobbing like a child for the first time in years. “Oh, Mama.” she said again, unable to put i
nto words everything she felt, especially while she was still breathing so hard.
“Katie, you’re trembling. Where have you been?”
“Over at the ranch,” she said, hiccups overtaking her as she gasped for air.
“Josh, honey, some water,” Grace whispered to her husband.
Katie could hear her daddy clanking about the kitchen as he took out a glass and poured some water into it.
“Now, just sit down at the table, Katie. That’s right,” Grace said as she gently led her daughter to a chair. “Take this.” She pressed the glass into Katie’s hand.
The cold wet feeling of the glass in her hand somehow snapped Katie out of it. She was still upset, still devastated, but she truly realized that she was home now, the place where she was really loved.
“I’m sorry,” she said miserably before taking a drink and easing her throat which was raw from running and ragged breathing. “I didn’t mean to make you so worried.”
“Don’t you go worrying about that, that’s what we’re here for.” Her daddy settled himself down on a chair next to her, reaching out to lay a comforting hand on her shoulder.
Her ma pulled a chair up to the other side and Katie felt herself suddenly flanked in the most wonderful way.
“Did something happen over at the Bryant place? Something with Arlen?” her mother asked gently.
“We’re not friends anymore,” Katie said. “We’re not anything.”
“Did you have a fight?” her daddy joined in.
“Yes.”
“What about, honey?” Her mother coaxed.
“Oh God, I was so stupid. I should never have said anything,” Katie said, remembering the look on his face when she had asked him to take her to the barn dance. “I asked him to take me out, Mama, and he was so appalled. And now he knows I’m in love with him and he can’t stand it. He hates me now.”
“Oh, no, I can’t begin to imagine that he does,” Grace said gently. “He really cares for you, I’ve seen it myself.”