From Within

by J. M. Walker

  She shook her head but wouldn’t meet my gaze. “I’m not.”

  “Hope, please. You can’t leave me. After my parents—”

  “Do not guilt trip me.” She rose from my bed, pacing back and forth in front of me.

  Something was off. She wasn’t heartbroken over this. No dark bags were under her eyes like she had lost sleep. No tears. Nothing. “You want to move, don’t you?” I asked, realization punching me in the face.

  She stopped in her tracks and took a breath before turning back to me. “Yes.”

  And that was the last time I saw her. She up and left, taking my heart and soul with her. I tried hating her. I fucked through woman after woman, trying to forget her but I couldn’t. She was engrained in my heart where she would always be. I had loved her with every inch of me. Every piece of me. She tried calling, even tried visiting me when she was in town. But I was always busy. She hurt me more than she would ever know. More than she would ever care. And I was an asshole who would let her know it.

  “Xander.”

  My thoughts drifted back to the present as Caiden drove us to his… “Where are we going?” I asked, trying to forget what I had done.

  “Get some rest. We have about an hour’s drive ahead of us.” He kept his gaze straight ahead, his grip tightening on the steering wheel.

  “Tell me where we are going,” I pressed, curiosity killing me.

  His jaw clenched but he didn’t answer.

  I let out a huff of frustration and slumped back in my seat. I had no idea what was going on. I tried apologizing for the shit I did but if Caiden didn’t want my apology, then there was fuck-all I could do about it.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, my eyes getting heavy.

  “Words can only do so much. They only go so far,” Caiden said softly, a moment later. “Actions are what will help you through this. Help you forget. Help you forgive.”

  My chest clenched, feeling like it would implode in on itself. “I have no one to forgive.”

  “Yourself would be a start.”

  I frowned. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “You fucking burnt our apartment,” Caiden snapped, raising his voice. “You could have brought the whole building down. Do you even know how lucky you are that you didn’t go to jail?”

  “I never asked for your help,” I bit out through clenched teeth.

  Caiden chuckled. “Of course you didn’t. Why would you? I’ve been your fucking friend for years. Since we’ve been kids. Why on earth would you ask me for help? It wouldn’t make any sense at all.”

  Frowning, I slowly turned my head towards him. “Where is this coming from? I appreciate your help. I do. I love you, man. You’re like a fucking brother to me.”

  “Brother,” Caiden scoffed.

  “I’m serious. After Hope left—”

  “I’m done. Get some rest.”

  “Caid.”

  “Get. Some. Rest,” he demanded, his voice firm. He lit up a smoke, his dark eyes staring straight ahead.

  I opened my mouth to argue. To beg for him to talk to me. We needed to sort this shit out. Or fight it out. Either way, we needed to finish this but a part of me told me to quit while I was ahead.

  I wanted to change the subject, go back to the way things were less than twelve hours before but my eyes grew heavy. My body drifted, falling into slumber that most would call their safe place. Dreams of happiness, fantasies but mine were filled with darkness. Demons, as Caiden called them. A pure black reign of terror tore at my soul, eventually weighing out any happiness at all.

  “Xander.”

  My eyes popped open but all I could make out was smoke.

  “Xander.”

  A shiver travelled up my spine. “Hope?” Her voice. God, her voice.

  “What have you done?” she said softly from far off in the distance. “He loves you.”

  I spun around in circles but I still couldn’t see her. “Hope, please. I need your help.”

  A billowy image of her materialized in front of me, forcing me to take a step back. “You need to help yourself.”

  I swallowed hard at the sunken pits where her eyes should have been. “Hope, baby. What’s going on?”

  A maniacal laugh escaped her cracked lips, her dark hair fanning out and around her. “You are worthless. No wonder my parents took me from you. You don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve happiness. You should have died in that car crash. Not your parents.”

  My heart jumped, my palms becoming sweaty. “No, you don’t mean that. I’m dreaming. This is all a fucked up nightmare.”

  Hope’s form glided around me, hovering to the point where it was inhuman. “A dream you will never forget.” Suddenly she was in front of me. Cupping my cheeks, she opened her mouth wide and screamed.

  My eyes popped open, my body covered in a cold sweat.

  “Xander?”

  I jumped at the deep voice coming from beside me and was met with Caiden’s concerned stare.

  “Another nightmare?” he asked softly.

  I nodded, rubbing my shaky hands along my thighs. “This yours?” I asked, nodding towards a large house while we pulled onto a long driveway. My voice was hoarse and I cleared my throat a couple of times, swallowing past the slight burn.

  “Yes. It’s in the middle of being built but it’s livable.” Which also meant for me not to burn it down or else I would get my ass kicked.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” A twinge of pain tingled through me.

  “Because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it after it’s done,” Caiden said, turning off the car.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Forget it. There’s clothes here you can wear. Fridge is stocked with food and beer.” He looked at me. “There is nothing for you to get high off of that could damage your mind or body.”

  My blood vibrated through me. “Shit, Caid. I—”

  “You want to put shit inside of you…you even think about it…work it out.” He stepped out of the vehicle and made his way to the front door.

  “Caiden, I can’t stop cold like this. You know that. Please,” I pleaded. Bile rose to my throat, my vision blurring as spots danced before my eyes. “Please.” I pushed open the door and forced my aching body out of the car. “Caiden.” My voice was raspy but I still attempted to inhale as many deep breaths as I could. The moment he told me there would be no drugs, no nothing for me to put in my body was the moment I lost it. It was like I was on a trigger affect. I never noticed I wouldn’t be able to do drugs until he said something.

  “Shit.”

  I fell to my knees, the gravel digging into my knees through the cotton of my sweatpants. “I can’t stop. I can’t quit.”

  “Yes, you can and you will.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to.”

  He cupped my cheeks, forcing me to look up at him. “I can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself. I need you here with me. These drugs will fucking kill you.”

  I shoved my head out of his grip but not before I saw the flash of pain in his dark gaze mixed with a hint of something more. My skin tingled at the loss of his hands no longer being on me and if I didn’t know any better, I would say I enjoyed it. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

  Rocking back and forth, I leaned on my knuckles, pushing them into the ground. The sharp bite of the small stones tearing at my skin sent an unexpected heat over my skin.

  “Not like this. Please,” I pleaded.

  A heavy hand cupped the back of my neck. “You are strong. You’ll get through this. But I can’t help you unless you ask for it,” he whispered in my ear.

  I swallowed several times, taking a deep breath before looking up at him. My best friend. My brother. The only family I had since my parents died.

  Caiden’s eyes darkened, the deep violet swirling in the depths.

  “I don’t need your help,” I blurted. Inhaling a deep breath, I held it. My lungs burned at the lack of air.
r />   His face hardened. “No. You don’t want it. Big difference.” His thumb grazed back and forth over my pulse point, easing my racing heart. “Breath, Zee. Please let me help you.”

  “How?” I bit out, sitting back on my haunches.

  He gave my nape a light squeeze and rose to his feet. “Come with me.”

  Before I could argue, I was following behind him. The front yard was clean and well kept, the brush surprisingly crisp and neat. “How long have you been building this place?” I asked, needing the sounds of our voices over the unwelcomed silence.

  “Couple of months,” Caiden said, unlocking the large wooden front door. “I’m in no rush to move,” he added a moment later.

  “Why here? You’d be in the middle of nowhere.” I looked out onto the yard in front of us. The house was surrounded by trees and wildlife. The only thing that stood between me and getting out of there, was Caiden. And something told me he wouldn’t let me go quietly.

  “I like the peace and tranquility,” he said softly. He stepped into the house, throwing his keys on a table by the wall.

  “I’d rather the noise of the city,” I mumbled, taking one last look around me before following Caiden.

  Once I stepped over the threshold, my stomach tumbled. Something told me this would be a new beginning. Things were changing. I couldn’t place exactly what those things were though.

  “Kitchen is this way. There’s a bathroom in the basement in the first bedroom on the right. Bathrooms are also on the main floor and second floor, with an additional one being off the master suite. There are four bedrooms. Two in the basement and two are upstairs. Take your pick.” He made his way into the kitchen and came back a moment later with a bottle of water. He handed it to me and waited.

  I took a swig, the ice cold water easing my parched throat.

  “Where did you want to sleep?”

  I frowned. “It’s early still isn’t it?”

  “Xander, you had a panic attack outside because you found out you can’t get your fix here. You need all the strength you can get while you go through withdrawal.” His brows narrowed. “Now, which bedroom did you want to stay in?”

  “One downstairs is fine.” So then you can’t hear me scream.

  “Fine. Follow me.” He led the way down to the basement and stopped at the first door on the right. Not bothering to give me a tour of the house, he glanced at me. “Try and sleep well, Zee.” He clapped a hand on my shoulder before walking past me and up the stairs.

  Taking a breath, I twisted the doorknob and headed into what I had assumed would be a small bedroom. When I saw a four poster bed sitting against a wall at the back of the room, I realized I was wrong.

  My eyes burned and I stifled a yawn. Not caring in the least the details of the room, I needed a shower. Making my way towards the bathroom, I pulled off my shirt and muddy pants. My feet padded along the soft burgundy carpet and when I reached the en-suite bathroom, I stared in awe at the display before me. Everything was black. The shower stall. The toilet. Even the sink. The walls were a deep burgundy much like the carpet in the adjoining room. It was breathtaking. Caiden must have taken his time in planning out the development of the house. Me? Give me a pillow and blanket and I was happy as a pig in shit. I didn’t need fancy appliances or maids or any of that crap. I was easy to please, so to speak.

  Turning on the shower, I stepped under the spray, the water washing over my body like a velvet glove. The liquid turned hot and I sighed, the droplets running down my torso and dripping off my chin.

  Hope.

  My length twitched. Well this was new. It had been so long since I touched myself to thoughts of her. At one point I thought I had forgotten about her. But the way my cock grew at the mere thought of her name, I was fucked.

  “God, Hope,” I breathed out, wrapping my hand around the base. I squeezed it hard, bringing tears to my eyes. With rough smooth strokes, I jacked off to thoughts of my ex-girlfriend. Her touch. Her pale skin. Her rosy cheeks as they reddened with orgasm after orgasm. The sounds of her screaming my name.

  I swelled under my touch, my balls pushing up into my body as a tingle shot from my toes to my head.

  A light knock sounded on the door, jarring me from my thoughts. I jumped but kept a firm grip on my hardened dick.

  “Xander? You alright?” Caiden called from the other side of the door.

  “Yeah,” I groaned, emptying my release onto the tiled floor of the shower stall.

  “Are you sure?” The deep vibrato of his voice reigned through me.

  Loosening my hold on my body, I sighed and cleaned myself off. “No.”

  Caiden

  “CAIDEN.”

  I glanced up at the deep sound of Xander’s voice. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. So young. Broken. But perfect. For Hope.

  Finally admitting to myself that I was in love with my best friend, didn’t bode well on my confidence.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?”

  I nodded, pulling off my shirt.

  The buzzing sound of a tattoo gun neared me. “We won’t be able to cover them completely. Some of your skin is too thin.”

  “Cover it all. As much as you can. I need…” I needed to not be reminded every time I looked in a mirror at what I had done so many years ago.

  “This will hurt, my man.” The tattoo artist snapped on a pair of latex gloves.

  I embraced the pain as the sting of the tattoo gun drew over my skin. Marking me. Covering my scars. But it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. If only I could see my family again and apologize. Tell them that I’m sorry for not watching the fireplace. For not getting to them in time.

  Scars on the skin was one thing but scars on your soul could never be mended.

  “What have you told him?”

  “Nothing,” I mumbled, kissing Bee’s shoulder as she snuggled up against me. I squeezed the bridge of my nose, trying to forget. Trying to ease the anxiety that had crept along my bones, bringing forth the agony from within.

  “So he doesn’t even know about me?” she asked, cupping my cheek, her brows narrowing.

  “No. Now stop asking so many questions.” I wrapped myself around her, holding her tight. It was late into the night and I couldn’t sleep after the multiple nightmares that kept invading my dreams. Remnants from them vibrated through me.

  Bee and I usually only met up once a month but not this time. She had been over every single day for the past week. I could see the questions in her gaze but I had no answer for them. I didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t know how to fix this issue. I knew I just needed her.

  “How long are you going to keep me from him?”

  I sighed, scrubbing a hand down my face and rolled onto my back. “Bee, I have no fucking idea. I told you how I felt about him. I can’t do anymore right now.”

  “Seriously?” she raised an eyebrow. “What did you tell me when we started this relationship?”

  “I will spank you,” I growled in warning and cupped her chin but that never stopped her. She challenged me and I loved it.

  “I want you happy. That’s all.” She pushed out of my hold. “Now tell me what you said,” she insisted.

  I rose from the bed and walked towards my closet. “I told you that I was in love with someone else. That I was using you because I couldn’t have him. And you were fine with that.” I glanced at her over my shoulder. “Why?”

  She shrugged. “My ex mentally abused me and you stepped in like a white knight. My prince charming. You were so kind and gentle and then the first time we had sex, I felt your alpha male.” Her cheeks reddened.

  “That’s the part of me you like the most?” I questioned, running my fingers over the edging of a mirror hanging on the wall.

  She smiled softly. “I like all parts of you. I don’t know. I guess even though I can’t have your heart, I can at least have the rest of you. I’ll take what I can get.”

  My stomach clenched, my heart twisting and
turning, thumping hard. I was an asshole for making Bee stay. Just like Xander, I hated being alone. But unlike him, I knew my demons were too loud. My nightmares were too fucking scary that I sometimes woke screaming. “I want to give you all of me. I just don’t know how,” I whispered, grazing my hand down a leather whip that was hung against the wall of my closet.

  “You will. In time.”

  “How can you know this?” I snapped, spinning on her.

  Her eyes widened, her hands gripping the white sheets and pulled them up to her chin.

  I took a deep breath, easing the rage growing inside of me. Falling to my knees, I rocked back and forth. “I love him. So damn much. I know it’s wrong of me but I can’t control it. I can’t. I fucking hate this.”

  Warm arms wrapped around me, holding me against a soft body. “You can’t control what your heart wants.”

  Enveloping Bee in a tight embrace, I pulled her onto my lap and grazed my hands down her naked back. “I am so fucking confused. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m a monster.”

  “No,” she cupped my cheeks, tilting my head. “You are not a monster. Do you understand me?”

  I narrowed my eyes, gripping the back of her neck. “Remember who you’re speaking to, little girl.”

  Her lips parted but then she cleared her throat, ridding herself from the dirty thoughts I enjoyed pushing into her mind. “I enjoy what we have. You control me. I give in. I knew right away that your heart belonged to someone else.”

  “How could you possibly know that?”

  “I could see it in your eyes.”

  I leaned my forehead against her chest, letting out a heavy sigh. “I need to talk to him. I need to tell him how I feel before…before it’s too late.”

  “Then talk to him but know that whatever happens,” she brushed her fingers through my hair. “I am here. For you. Always for you.”

  Hope

  I NEEDED out. I needed away. Away from my nightmares. Away from the thoughts I tried so hard to ignore. Hurt. Pain. Agony. All of those feelings I inflicted on Xander. My ex. A man I once loved. That I still loved.