by J. M. Walker
He showed up in front of me, hovering over me like a predator. “Give up?”
I barked a laugh and rose to my feet. “Not on your fucking life.”
Caiden chuckled. “Try and hit me then.”
Moving back and forth from one foot to the other, I watched him. Our eyes locked, the air in the room thickening with Dominance and possession. I would knock him on his ass, eventually, but probably earning some bruises in the process.
“Hit me,” he growled through clenched teeth.
Our staffs hit, the sounds of wood on wood banging around the large gym.
“Keep going,” he ordered, circling me.
The sticks clanked, vibrating through my fingertips up into my arms and up my shoulders. Sweat coated my brow, my muscles burning and twitching from the overuse.
“Shit. You’re fast,” I said between breaths.
A wicked grin spread on his scarred lips and before I knew it, I was flat on my back once again, landing hard with an oomph.
“Well that…was…fun,” I wheezed between breaths.
He laughed. “And here I was going easy on you.”
I shook my head and sat up, stretching my legs out in front of me. “Thank you,” I blurted.
He shrugged, taking the staff from me. “You’re my best friend. You hurt. I hurt. I want to help you in any way I can but I can’t if you don’t let me.”
Scrubbing a hand down my face, I scratched the scruff on my jaw. “I don’t know how to ask for help.”
“I know and I’m going to help you with that.”
“How?” My brows narrowed and I rubbed my hands up and down my thighs. My muscles jumped under the skin, rippling at the excessive use.
“By teaching you to control your demons,” he said nonchalantly.
“I have no demons I need to control,” I repeated for what felt like the hundredth time that day.
Caiden laughed. And I mean a full belly laugh rumbling from his chest. He continued chuckling and rose to his feet.
“You know, laughing at me is not going to help me with whatever issue you think I have,” I mumbled.
He looked at me over his shoulder, the laughing ceasing. “Stand,” he demanded, his eyes going cold.
“If you’re going to kick my ass again, I’d rather stay seated.”
“Stand. The. Fuck. Up,” he said through clenched teeth.
Crossing my arms under my chest, I leaned back against the wall. Scratching my jaw, I raised an eyebrow. “Or else what?” I challenged.
A wicked grin slowly spread on his face. “I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do…”
“But I can.”
My eyes snapped up at the female voice coming from the woman stepping around Caiden.
Hope.
Hope
I GAVE Xander a smile as I stood beside Caiden. “Hi, Xander.”
“Hope,” was all he said.
His deep voice washed over me and I couldn’t help but soak it in. His dark eyes roamed down the length of me, heating when they locked with mine. I clasped my hands in front of me, my chest rising and falling with each breath. He glanced at my hair, a slight flush spreading up his neck. I remembered a time where he had loved my curly auburn hair. It was so long ago but I bet he was thinking about wrapping the curls around his fingers and giving them a gentle tug as I moaned out his name. A tingle of pleasure raced down my spine and I cleared my throat.
He caught my look, a dark glint passing over his eyes.
“What are you doing here?” he asked finally, rising to his feet.
“Caiden called me.” I glanced between them before looking down. The little voice in my head screamed for me to look at him. To see him like I had done when we were kids. Ten years. Ten fucking years since I last saw the gorgeous man standing before me. My body fought back the urge to run to him. To fall at his feet, begging for him to forgive me. Ten years. And I still loved him.
“Xander,” Caiden said, his deep rich voice soft but firm.
“Why are you here?” Xander asked me, ignoring him.
“Well I…” I chewed my bottom lip. “I was in town.”
“So Caiden ran into you,” he finished for me.
“He invited me over,” I added quickly, my heart racing against my ribcage.
Xander glanced at Caiden.
His eyes were dark, filled with a challenging stare when I caught Xander’s eye. He had that look I knew so well. It was that run before shit rolled downhill look. He was freaking out internally and I had no idea what to do to help him. I wanted to go to him. To talk to him about why I had left. About the choice I never had but I knew he wouldn’t understand. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. Stupid naïve me thought if I showed up, everything would be fine. He would love me and I would love him. But I was wrong.
Xander took a step towards us when we blocked his path. He couldn’t push me but he sure as hell could make me move. And he knew it too. “Get out of my way.”
“No,” Caiden and I both said in unison.
Xander threw his hands up. “What? Is this some sort of fucking intervention?” He glared at me. “I haven’t seen you in years. You fucking disappeared from my life without so much as a look back in my direction. And you expect me to listen to you now?”
“I want to help,” I whispered.
“With what?” he yelled. “I’m fine. I’m fucking fine! I don’t need either of you acting like my parents. They’re dead. I don’t want new ones.” He shoved past us and quickly left the room, slamming the door shut behind him.
And that was when I broke. Falling to my knees, I allowed the cries to take over. The sobs to wrack through my body as the one and only man I loved hated me more than ever.
“Shhh...” Caiden knelt beside me, wrapping his arms around my trembling shoulders. “He’ll come around.”
Shaking my head, I rocked back and forth. Bile threatened to burn its way up my throat and I had to force it back. I couldn’t allow another panic attack to set in. What was I thinking coming back here? “I can’t do this,” I sobbed.
“You can.” Caiden cupped my cheeks, forcing me to look up at him. “And you will. He loves you. He’s hurt and he may be mean but he wants answers. You can’t expect him to be fucking giddy and happy now that you’re back. What did I tell you?”
“He’ll want to hurt me like I hurt him,” I mumbled, dropping my head in my hands.
Caiden sighed, rubbing his hand in circles over my back. “He will.”
“I want to talk to him. I don’t want any more fighting. I want…him,” I cried. “And I feel so damn guilty over that.”
“Why?” Caiden asked, frowning.
I rose to my feet, brushing off my knees. “I know you’re in love with him. You’ve loved him all of these years, Caiden, but you never did anything about it.”
“He doesn’t love me back,” he said softly.
“You should still tell him.”
“You want me to tell Xander, the man you are in love with that I also love him?” Caiden stared up at me, sitting back on his haunches.
“Yes. That’s what I want.” Although it hurt, knowing at any moment, Caiden could steal Xander right out from under me, I couldn’t go through life being the reason for them not to be together.
“What did I ever do to deserve a friend like you?”
I stepped up to the punching bag, hitting it gently. “You let us both in.” Wiping the tears from under my eyes, I gave the bag a couple more hits. A sharp pain shot up my forearm.
“You’re not hitting it right.” Caiden came up beside me and grabbed my hand. Tucking my thumb to the side, he curled my hand in a tight fist. “Always keep your thumb behind your knuckles or else you will break your hand.” He held onto the bag. “Now hit the bag. Work out your frustrations.”
“Why? I’m fine.” I walked away when Caiden gently grabbed my arm.
“Trust me. None of us are fine. We all have our own shit to deal with. Some may be worse than oth
ers but working out, fighting through those demons can help.”
“Is that what you’re trying to teach Xander?” I asked, shaking out my hands.
“Yeah, but he’s so damn stubborn, he thinks he’s fine.” He huffed.
“So tell me about this person you want us to meet,” I said, punching the bag.
“Her brother is friends with Lee. Do you remember him?” Caiden asked, holding the bag while I continued to punch it.
I thought good and hard when realization set in. “Was he that guy that kept slapping my ass every time he saw me? The one Xander ended up punching?”
Caiden chuckled. “That’s the one.”
“Don’t tell me. Xander and him are friends now, aren’t they?”
“They are.”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course they are.”
“Anyways,” Caiden smirked. “This girl…”
I met his gaze when his voice trailed off. “Caid?”
He cleared his throat and stepped back from the bag. “You know my feelings for Xander. Those will never change. But she is also aware and she gives me something no one ever has. She sees something in me that…” He scrubbed a hand through his dark hair.
“She sounds wonderful,” I said gently, placing my hand on his arm.
“I want you to remain in touch with her…after…if…” His voice wavered.
I nodded and wrapped my arms around his middle. “Of course. What’s yours is mine,” I whispered.
He returned the embrace and we stood like that for what felt like hours even though it was probably only minutes.
Being friends with Xander and Caiden all through our school years, we had a bond. Xander’s parents called us the Three Musketeers. I shook my head, remembering how he hated the nickname but after his parents died in that horrible crash, I bet he would give anything to hear them say it again.
Guilt settled deep inside of me, making up permanent residence like I had been born with it. What I did, leaving Xander after his parents passed away…I would never forgive myself. It was not intentional. Things came about where I had no choice but to leave. If only I could explain that to him. I needed to make him understand. I needed to make him see I never meant to hurt him.
“I need a moment,” Caiden said, ending the heavy silence.
“Okay.” I released him and watched him walk to the door.
“He’ll be back in a little bit. He tends to run it out, listening to whatever music is on his phone.” He turned back to me. “Please be patient with him. I know it’s hard, but he needs that from you as much as you need it from him.”
“I’ll try,” I said softly.
He nodded and opened the door, slowly shutting it behind him.
Taking a breath, I lowered to the mat. “Please, God, help him forgive me. Help us both have patience.” But I knew when the time came, it would turn into a fight. And who knew what else?
Rising to my feet, I turned on the music, the heavy metal blasting through the speakers. Gearing up my hands, I started punching the shit out of the bag. Picturing it was all of my frustrations, all of the mistakes I had made, I hit the bag full force. If only it were that simple. If only I could actually punch my wrong doings away. Maybe then Xander would forgive me. Maybe then it would be easier and I could forgive him as well. He blamed me for everything. I knew that. But he wasn’t easy to get along with. He was blind to the fact that he was indeed an asshole. I prayed the shit he was consuming, didn’t destroy him like the alcohol threatened to ruin me.
***
(Xander)
“I swear you three are stuck together like glue to paper.” My mom laughed. “No, better yet. You’re The Three Musketeers.” Her smiled widened. “Perfect.”
I shook my head, wrapping an arm around my best friends’ shoulders.
Caiden only chuckled, while Hope kissed my cheek.
“Together. Inseparable. Forever,” she said.
A flutter ran through me. I just hoped she was right.
Heading up the stairs, I pulled the earbuds out of my pocket, roughly shoving them in my ears. Inseparable. Forever. Please.
Why? Why after all of this time? Hope and Caiden were close. They always had been. The three of us were inseparable at times. But they had a bond I could never understand. Did I share the same bond with Caiden? With Hope? I had no idea.
You are worthless. We don’t want you in our lives. Grow up and move on.
I swallowed past my dry throat, my vision clouding over at the words pounding on the doors of my mind. Pressing play on my phone, the nerves tortured my body, the thoughts trying to destroy me every damn day, eased as the deep melody of the music soared into my skull. The hairs on my neck tingled. I could feel Caiden and Hope staring at me. They were probably talking to me too. But I refused to look. I refused to give in to their badgering and self-help bullshit.
Heading outside, I ran down the steps and down the length of the graveled driveway. I had no idea where we were but I didn’t care. If I got lost, I knew Caiden would find me from the GPS built into my phone. Fucking fancy technology. Give me the old flip phones any day over this touch screen shit.
Running down to the end of the driveway, I realized we were in the middle of nowhere. I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t run back to the city but I could run from my problems. From everyone. Or try to.
From the moment I stepped out onto the road, I picked up my pace. I felt free. Alive. Whole. It was the only time I ever truly felt normal.
Tears burned my eyes at the sense of loss I had felt deep inside of my chest since my parents died so many years before. Eleven years. And then Hope leaving me after didn’t help. Did I change? Was it my fault she left? She never told me and that was what drove me mad.
It didn’t take long for my muscles to tighten. My legs to burn and my heart to race. Air left my lungs in quick bursts, escaping the confines of my chest.
Hope.
My feet stumbled and I had to catch my footing before I fell flat on my face like a dumbass.
God, she was back. In my life. For who knew how long. A part of me felt guilty for leaving. I should have talked to her. I should have done something but instead I ran out of there like a pansy-assed pussy. I couldn’t deal. But holy fuck, she was more beautiful now than I last remembered. Age did her justice.
My cock lengthened in my pants, hardening to the point of painful. I slowed to a stop, adjusted my pants, not caring in the least if anyone saw me. Not like anyone would. I was in the middle of butt-fuck Idaho. The houses were spread miles apart on what looked like a long winding road.
The music in my ears switched to a new song, forcing me to run harder. I wanted to switch it. Wishing I could change lives as fast as I could change the song but my fists pumping at my sides wouldn’t allow me. This song. The words were from an Indie band, not known to many. I had found them one day on the internet while waiting for Hope to get ready. I remembered that night like it had only happened the day before. We were going to a party. As always. And it was the first night we had made love. I scoffed. Please. Make love. That was what she liked to call it but in fact, I fucked her stupid.
The sultry voice of the female lead singer sang not to me but to my soul. She said what I felt. What I could never say in words to Hope. I should have let her listen to the song years before. If only. But a part of me needed to keep it a secret, like I thought she would laugh in my face for being such a girl. The deep boom of the bass vibrated through me. The whir of the guitar eased my aching body. And the thump of the drums beat their way into my existence.
If only I played. To create this music to help someone else with whatever they were going through, whatever shit life threw at them. It would be an honor. If only I could tell the singer. Thank her for giving me an out. A reason. To move on. But I never did, did I? I should be happy that Hope was back. Elated I could finally tell her how I felt. But those words wouldn’t leave my lips. Not yet. If ever.
The cool mid-afternoon air whipped around m
e, floating through the thin layer of my clothes and kissing my skin like a lover.
Embree never touched me like Hope had. Of course I never allowed her to. As much as I tried to forget, to move on, it was damn near impossible.
There was a break in the music where the guitar sped up, following the beat of the bass. The singer purred, sending a shiver down my spine.
I am addicted to you.
Your love. Your touch. Your being.
Everything about you draws me in.
I am captivated by you.
The heat in your gaze. The beat of your heart.
I am addicted to you.
The song ended a minute later and I pressed replay, needing to hear the sound of the love pouring into my ears. The singer clearly felt something deep for someone. So deep, the passion was strong through the words she sang.
From the moment we touch, I crave you.
Your kiss. Your breath on my skin. The warmth of your embrace.
I am bound by the ropes of your love. Restrained by your powerful passion.
Your caress. Your hold on my body. The possession that seeps from your soul.
I am addicted to you.
I replayed the song over and over, the words engraining themselves beneath my skin. My muscles burned, my chest constricting, my heart beating so fast, I thought it would explode.
Hope.
“Shit.” I slowed to an abrupt stop and ripped the ear buds out of my ears. Sitting down, I laid back on the cool grass that spread over a field. It was surrounded by trees in the far off distance. The evening air whipped over me, sending a layer of goose bumps spreading over my skin. My sweat soaked clothes clung to my aching body but all I did was lay there. For how long, I wasn’t sure. I watched as the sun set, the moon taking its place in the sky.
“You trying to kill yourself?”
My head turned towards the female voice and I saw a girl approach me.
She adjusted her red baseball cap and crossed her arms under her chest. “You don’t remember me, do you?”