by J. M. Walker
I sat up and scrubbed a hand down my face. “I remember you,” I muttered. Something about the girl who I had run into the last time I ran in the city, nagged at me. I couldn’t figure out what it was but the possessive side of me felt the need to protect her.
“So, are you still bitter?” she asked, sitting down beside me.
I chuckled. That was why I liked her. “Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Because,” I sighed. “Because my ex is back.”
“This is a bad thing?” she asked, pulling some grass out of the ground.
I looked down at her. “Shana right?”
She nodded. “You remembered. So you’re not as dumb as you look.”
“Gee, thanks,” I scoffed.
She giggled and pulled off her baseball cap. “So tell me about this ex.”
“We were high school sweethearts. I wasn’t the greatest student or role model for her so her parents took her away from me.” I mirrored her actions and pulled a couple slivers of grass out of the ground, twisting them between my fingers.
“You’re lying. They took her away?” she asked, her eyes widening.
I slumped back down on the grass and let out a heavy sigh. “It was the summer after we graduated from high school. We were hanging out and that was when she told me she was moving.” I didn’t know why I felt the need to explain things to Shana. She was a teenager, probably naïve and shit, too. But I couldn’t stop the words from leaving my lips.
“And it’s been ten years since you’ve seen her?”
“Yeah.”
“Where did she move to?” Shana asked, ripping more grass from the ground.
“Not sure exactly. She said Seattle but I blew up and didn’t ask for more information,” I mumbled, my chest tightening.
“React first, ask questions later, huh?”
“Yeah. Something like that. So, do you live around here?” I asked, needing to change the subject and push it away from myself.
Shana shook her head. “I’m staying with my grandparents for a little bit. They live down the road but I live in the city with my aunt.”
Something told me not to ask but I couldn’t stop myself. “How about your parents?”
Her back stiffened. “They travel for a month during the summer, so I stay with my aunt.”
I searched her face when she looked away.
She distracted herself by continuing to pick at the grass. She was lying but her humming stopped me from asking more.
“Do you sing?”
Her cheeks reddened. “Yeah. A little bit.” Her eyes lit up. “Oh! I have a recital you should come to. I don’t want to go but my grandparents are making me. You should come.”
I frowned, my mouth opening and closing. “Are you sure?”
She nodded quickly. “I’m sure I’ll run into you again, so I’ll have the details with me next time.”
“Okay,” I said slowly. Why she would want me there was beyond me.
“How about your parents? Do you live with them?”
“No. They died a while ago in a car accident.” A twinge of pain poked me in the gut and I had to force down the urge to run away.
Shana’s face fell. “Oh. I’m sorry. I figured as much.”
“Why would you figure they died?” I asked, finally sitting up.
“Because.” She rose to her feet. “You can only be bitter for a couple of reasons. You’re dressed in name brand workout clothes and running shoes, so clearly you don’t live on the street. You can’t be bitter over having no home.”
Yeah well, it didn’t matter what clothes I had when I almost burnt down my home. “I don’t live on the street. Go on,” I coerced, interested in what else she could predict about me.
A slow grin spread on her face, her eyes sparkling. She knelt in front of me. “Your ex left you but by the way you talk, you still love her.”
Love was an understatement.
She continued before I even had a chance to respond. “I think you beat yourself up over what happened to your parents and for your ex being taken away from you,” Shana said, standing up. She started pacing back and forth, deep in thought and tapped her chin. “I also think your best friend has something to do with this mood you’re in but I can’t figure out why yet.”
I pulled a dandelion from the ground and shrugged. “He called my ex. Her name is Hope. My best friend, Caiden, and I were working out. I was struggling…”
She stopped pacing. “With what?”
“I’m not sure.” I shrugged. I couldn’t tell her something had changed between Caiden and I. I was probably delusional. I loved him. Like a brother. Nothing more. Nothing less.
“Well if you figure it out, let me know.”
I met her gaze and nodded slowly. “I will.” And that was the God’s honest truth. For some reason I couldn’t help but tell her. “I should get back.”
“Okay. You staying around here?”
“Caiden has a house down the road.” I glanced towards the home surrounded by trees. A part of me was still pissed he never told me about it but the selfish side of me wondered where I would eventually go.
“You good?”
“Yeah.” I frowned. “Why wouldn’t you tell me?” I whispered.
“Tell you what?”
My back stiffened. “Nothing. Gotta go. Catch you later, Chase.” I stuck the earbud in my ear.
“Last names now?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yup.” Turning on the music, I stuck the second bud in my ear. “It means we’re friends,” I yelled over the loud music in my ears.
She shook her head, making her way back to her grandparents’ place.
Talking to Shana was enlightening. I found myself taking a liking to the girl. A part of me wanted to spend more time with her. Hang out, play video games. Do whatever fourteen year olds did. I could only imagine she was a tomboy. I didn’t think she was into that boy band shit. I found that I didn’t know much about her except for that she sang. Making a mental note that I would go to her recital, I found that I actually couldn’t wait.
By the time I listened to three songs, I was back at Caiden’s home. He was sitting with Hope on the front step, talking quietly amongst themselves. Hope looked up, meeting my gaze. “How was your run?”
“Enlightening,” I said, stretching my arms above my head. My bones cracked, sending a delicious tremor rippling down the length of my back.
“How so?” Caiden asked, raising an eyebrow.
“What were you guys talking about?” I ignored his question, wanting to keep Shana to myself for the moment. She was my breath of fresh air and I didn’t want to share her yet.
“You,” they replied at the same time.
“Well I need a shower so you can continue talking about me then.” I headed towards them but they didn’t budge. They stared up at me. Waiting for what, I wasn’t sure. Should I do a song and dance? Maybe a little performance would get them to move.
“We need to talk,” Hope insisted, ringing her hands in her lap.
“Fine.” I crossed my arms under my chest. “Talk.”
“Xander, we should talk alone.”
“I’m sure Caiden has shit to say as well.” I glanced at him. “Don’t you? So get it out. I’m listening.”
They both looked at each other before turning back to me but they of course, said nothing. Why would they? It would only make sense when they said they wanted to talk.
“Geeze, would someone say something already?” I snapped.
“Why don’t we go inside?” Caiden suggested, rising from his spot on the step.
“Okay.” Hope chewed her bottom lip, looking at Caiden. Something passed between them.
Caiden nodded once and headed back into the house, leaving us alone.
I followed him when Hope stepped in front of me blocking the path. Like so many times before, she had blocked my path. In life. Where I could never move on. From her. From our time together. My limbs felt heavy, the palms
of my hands going sweaty.
Hope stood a foot away from me but as the wind whipped around us, I could smell her. She never wore perfume when I knew her years ago. Her natural scent was enough to drive a sane man mad. Peaches and cream. The aroma wafted into my nose and I inhaled deep. Memories from when we were kids invaded my mind. Her laughing and telling me to stop smelling her like a dog. Me chuckling and barking, tickling her until she gave in. It was fun. And I never realized how much I had missed her until now.
“Xander.” She took a step towards me.
“Ten years,” I whispered, clenching my fists at my sides.
She looked away, a lonely tear rolling down her cheek.
I had to the fight the urge to wipe it away, to pull her into my arms and tell her how I felt. How much I loved her. But I couldn’t. A part of me needed to hurt her as much as she had hurt me.
“I’m sorry. I’m so…” Her breath hitched. “Sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t make it better. Sorry doesn’t give me back those ten years.” I gripped my shirt, struggling to breathe in the air that flowed around us.
She stepped closer to me until she was mere inches from my body.
The air crackled and fizzled between us. We were attracted to each other before but now, this lust, this undying want bouncing from her to me, electrified into something I couldn’t control.
“Right now, sorry is all I can give you.” She peeked up at me through tear soaked lashes.
My fingers twitched. “Until what?”
“You’re ready for more.”
“You sound like Caiden,” I said, frowning.
Her cheeks flushed. “I missed you. So much. But I…”
Running my hand over my buzzed head, I let out a heavy sigh. “If you missed me, you would have contacted me.”
“I wanted to,” she cried. “I did. I tried contacting you.”
“Did you? Did you try, Hope? I sent you letters, I tried looking for you on Facebook. I called the phone number I had for you but it was turned off. Did you try to contact me?” My voice rose after each question. I didn’t want to yell at her. I didn’t want to hurt her but the uncivilized part of me reared its ugly head. I took a step towards her, forcing her back. “How hard did you try to get ahold of me? I don’t know, Hope. The last time I saw you, you were pretty damn happy that you were moving. No tears. No nothing.”
“I cried for you. God, did I ever cry.” Her eyes welled, her chin quivering.
“Right,” I said, slowly. “Listen, I don’t know why Caiden called…” Realization dawned on me. The unjust twinge of betrayal erupted through me, gripping my spine like a monster. Or demons. My demons. So many questions pounded through my skull, beating on the doors of my mind. My mind. So loud. So. Damn. Noisy. “How did he get your number? Have you kept in contact with him after all of this time?”
Hope lifted her chin defiantly. “Yes.”
Hope
FROM THE moment I had walked back into Xander’s life a couple of hours before, my world had tilted on its axis. I had loved him. I still loved him but now that I thought about it, our relationship had been toxic. But not in the beginning. It was perfect. I was the girl who tamed the beast. Popular. Good grades. On the varsity team. Him? He was the bad boy. But he graduated. Barely. “Xander?”
His head snapped up. “How often have you seen him?” he asked, his words eerily calm.
“I…I…” I stammered. “You don’t understand.”
“How often have you seen him?” Xander repeated, his voice raising.
“Xander, it’s not like that,” I cried, taking a step towards him. My fingers itched to hold him, my palms tingling with the need to run them over his body. To soothe his demons. His internal battle he had been fighting since his parents died and left him alone. It wasn’t their fault. I knew that. Caiden knew that. But Xander? He blamed them. You could see it in his eyes. And he blamed me for leaving him right after. I totally accepted that.
“Caiden, get the fuck out here!” Xander shouted.
I jumped at the abrupt demand, pleading with him to calm down.
“You rang?” Caiden asked, casually leaning against the door frame.
“Have you kept in contact with her after all of this time?” Xander was shaking, dark accusation swirling in his grey eyes.
I wanted so hard to tell him it wasn’t true. With everything in me, I tried to ignore the hint of jealousy that had taken up permanent residence deep inside of me over the bond they shared. I didn’t know why it never bothered me before. Since finding out how Caiden actually had felt about Xander, it made me realize I could lose him forever.
Caiden scratched the dark scruff on his jaw, his deep blue eyes piercing through Xander. Challenging him. “So what if I have?”
Xander gaped at him. “After all of this time…” He shook his head. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Caiden moved to the steps and sat down, stretching out his legs in front of him. “Would you have wanted to know? If I told you Hope and I have remained friends, would you care?”
“Of course I would.” Xander looked between him and I. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Let’s see.” He looked at his watch. “How much time do you have?”
Xander frowned. “Caid, I—”
“You and this ‘I am an island’ bullshit is wearing on my nerves.” He rose to his feet abruptly, going toe-to-toe with Xander. “You won’t accept help when it’s offered to you.”
“I’m fine. I am. Why can’t you believe me?”
“Because it’s not fucking true!” Caiden yelled. His nostrils flared, his olive skin turning a light shade of pink. “When you can admit that you are not in fact fine, come talk to me. Until then? I’m remaining friends with Hope and I will not apologize for keeping in contact with her.”
“You are an asshole,” Xander bit out.
Caiden smirked. “So I’ve been told.”
Xander opened his mouth to reply when Caiden cupped his nape.
Caiden grabbed my hand, pulling me between them. The heat from our bodies being huddled close together enveloped around us. He let out a deep sigh. “You need us. The help we have to offer you, you have to accept or else the demons will threaten to destroy you.” Caiden leaned his forehead against Xander’s. “Please.”
“Xander.” I wrapped my arms around Xander’s waist, snuggling into him. The scent of sweat, leather, and man wafted into my nostrils waking a part of me that had stayed quiet for years. But it stirred something deeper. Something I never thought I would feel. Lust and desire for the man in my arms. A possessive fire burned in my soul and if I wasn’t careful, it would take control. Clearing my throat, I rubbed my cheek against his chest. “Caiden may not apologize, but I will. I’m sorry for not trying harder to keep in touch with you. Things were…it wasn’t a good time for me after we moved.”
“I could have helped you,” Xander whispered.
I inhaled a shaky breath. “I know. And I’m sorry.”
Xander wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, squeezing it gently.
“Give in,” Caiden coaxed.
Xander pulled away from us both. He glanced down at me, his eyes darkening with the same lust I felt. The attraction between us had always been there but this time? It was intense. Powerful.
Ignoring the urge in my body to wrap myself around Xander, I hugged my arms around my waist. It had been so long since I felt his warmth, smelled the lingering scent of his skin and tasted the delicious essence of his body. Desire unfurled deep in my core, begging me to go to him. But I couldn’t. He was pissed. Or he tried to be. And he wanted me to know it. Ten years. And his best friend had kept in contact with me after all of this time. Xander had always been selfish. Was he that selfish that he never paid attention? Maybe Caiden tried to tell him.
“Zee,” Caiden pressed.
Xander spun on him. “What, Caid? What the hell do you want me to give in to? My feelings? Are we going to hold hands and sing Kumbaya around a
fire and shit?” His voice rose as each question left his mouth. His body shook, vibrating with the need to, no doubt, hit something.
“Let’s go inside and talk,” I suggested tentatively. I reached for his hand, hesitating first before sliding my fingers between his.
Xander glanced at Caiden.
His gaze was on our joined hands. When he looked at me, my breath caught. His eyes were dark, sad even.
A part of me jumped for joy that he was the one that was jealous but then the bigger part, the part that loved them both, felt guilty. My chest tightened. What the hell was wrong with me that I wanted to make both of my friends jealous?
Caiden cleared his throat and headed up the steps. “Come to the gym when you’re done talking,” he said softly and disappeared into the house.
“Xander,” I said softly. “I think you need to talk to him.”
“About what?” he mumbled and sat on the steps, pulling me down beside him. Dropping his head in his hands, he let out an aggravated sigh.
“I think you need to talk,” I said, wrapping my hands around his bicep.
“We do talk,” he insisted. “I don’t know what else to say. I have no idea what he wants.”
“He wants you,” I said so softly, I wasn’t sure if he heard me.
His head whipped around. “Me?”
I chewed my bottom lip and brushed my fingers over the tattoo of my name on his forearm. Caiden had offered years ago to pay for him to get it removed but Xander refused. Caiden had told me Xander insisted on needing the daily reminder of a time when he was happy.
“Talk to him. If nothing comes of it, at least you talked.” I looked away before continuing. “He needs you more than you need him.”
“What does that mean? What’s going on? Is he sick?”
“No. God no. He’s not sick.” Not that I knew of anyway.
“Then what? What’s going on, Hope?” Xander demanded.
I didn’t answer. I leaned my head against his shoulder, holding his arm tight in my hands.
“I know he’s been hiding something from me,” Xander blurted, his deep voice rough.
I wished Xander was yelling at me. Demanding why I didn’t try harder to come see him, especially when Caiden and I had kept in contact. But he didn’t. He talked to me like I never left. Like I didn’t leave him alone and broken, taking his heart with me. Like my absence never turned him into a drug addict. But little did he know how much leaving him destroyed me. If the words would leave my lips, would he still want me? Would he even want this empty broken shell of the woman he once loved?