From Within

by J. M. Walker

  “Don’t,” she panted. “Don’t love me. Just fuck me. Please, Xander.”

  Grabbing her waist, I pulled her further under me and thrust into her hard. Keeping her wrists in mine, I sped up my hips. “You think demanding me to fuck you means I don’t love you? Because you ripped my heart out,” I pushed into her as deep as her body would allow. “It means my feelings disappeared?”

  She whimpered, wrapping her legs tight around my waist.

  “I’ve loved you since the day you walked into my life and I’ve loved you since the day you walked out of it.” I pumped in and out of her, her pussy squeezing me, gripping me tight as her body got ready for its release.

  “Stop!” she cried. “Stop talking. God.” Her body shook, trembling beneath me.

  And that was when I released her. I sat back on my haunches and wrapped my hand around the base of my dick.

  Her eyes darkened, watching me. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m reminding you who’s in control,” I said, squeezing myself. “I have shit going on in my fucking head but it doesn’t mean anything. You and Caiden both need to remember that.”

  “None of us are in control.” She rose to her knees, letting the robe fall off of her slender body. “But we are in control of right now.”

  “What do you want from me?” I heard myself ask. I had tried so hard to fuck her and get it over with but as soon as I was inside of her, that nagging part of myself reared its annoying head.

  Hope grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles before lowering her body onto me.

  I groaned, gripping her hips and met her thrust for thrust.

  She threw her head back, circled against me and road me hard. “Oh God.”

  Wrapping my arms around her, I took her pebbled nipple into my mouth, sucking and pulling until it was swollen and red under my touch.

  She cried out, my name leaving her lips on a soft scream.

  Holding her tighter, I quickened my pace, needing some control.

  “Please. Stop,” she panted. “I can’t take anymore.”

  She could and she was going to until I was good and ready to let her go. She may have fallen in love with me as a boy but I would make her fall in love with me as a man and if the first way to do that would be by fucking her into exhaustion, then so be it.

  Cupping her shoulders, I pushed into her hard, thrusting in and out of her. I sunk my teeth into her nipple, igniting a scream to leave her lips. “That’s it, Hope.”

  “Oh God, you feel so good.”

  “Better than before?” I asked, pulling out of her.

  She watched me, her eyes dark with lust and desire.

  Pulling her to the edge of the bed, I pushed her onto her back. “You don’t have to tell me. I know you’re thinking it. What would you say if I told you I fucked my way through woman after woman trying to get over you?” I nipped her inner thigh and wrapped my arms around her waist.

  “I would say you’re an asshole.” She held the sheets tight in her hands, lifting her hips towards my face.

  I chuckled and blew across her mound. “I know right now, I could do and say anything and as long as you got the release you crave, you wouldn’t care.”

  “I already came. I’m satisfied,” she said, glaring down at me.

  “Are you now?” Spreading her folds with my thumbs, I pinched her clit.

  She gasped, arching under me.

  “How satisfied are you?” I covered her core before she had a chance to respond and thrust my tongue deep inside of her.

  Her hands wrapped around my head, forcing me into her harder.

  I growled, the acidic taste of her sweet body washing down my throat. Peaches and cream. It was all I could think about while I ate her. She was right where I wanted her. She thought she was in control. She thought she had me backed into a corner. I wouldn’t beg. Not yet. Right now, she was mine.

  “Xander, please.”

  “Tell me,” I demanded, releasing her with a smack.

  “More. God, I’ve never…” Her chest rose and fell with ragged breath.

  “You’ve never what?” I ground out.

  “Seen you like this.”

  A wicked grin spread on my face. “I’m not the boy you once knew, remember?” I shoved my face into her hot pussy and sucked her clit between my lips.

  She was coming within seconds, my name leaving her lips and bouncing off the walls of the room.

  Before she could come down from her release, I flipped her onto stomach and thrust back into her body. “You may think you have control, but know that neither of us do,” I whispered against her neck. “If you’re smart, you’ll leave me alone. You’ll stop trying to take care of me and let me be.”

  “Never,” she cried out.

  “I didn’t think so.” I rose to my full height and smacked her hard on the ass. “That’s for lying to me earlier.”

  Hope frowned and glared daggers up at me. “I didn’t lie to you.”

  “No? You said you wouldn’t fuck me when you got back.” I smirked. “Well it looks like I’m seated nice and deep inside of your beautiful body.”

  She pushed back against me. “You are an asshole.”

  I covered her body with mine and sped up my hips. She was right. I was being an asshole but I couldn’t control the words leaving my lips. I couldn’t control the urge to make her hate me. Make her see I wasn’t worth it. But I knew deep down she wouldn’t listen. She would try and fix me like Caiden had tried. If only they would both leave me alone. Then I could go on and wallow in my self-pity and smoke my way into oblivion.

  Hope

  IT HAD been a couple of hours since I felt him inside of me. Full and throbbing. Thick and rigged. I could still feel every vein, every pulse. My body shivered.

  Xander wrapped his arm around me, pulling me tighter against him and sighed into my hair.

  Caiden had told me he was having nightmares. About me. About his parents. About life in general. I wanted to be the happy in his dreams. The sunshine in the darkness that threatened to swallow him whole.

  “Sleep, baby,” he whispered in my ear. He groaned, rolling over, his back stiffening.

  I followed his movement and kissed his cheek. “Dream of me, Xander. Hear my voice.”

  His eyes remained closed, his brows narrowing. “Hope,” he said in his sleep filled state.

  I pulled the covers up higher around us and snuggled into him. “Dream of me.”

  He let out a contented sigh and rolled over again, with half of his big body on top of mine.

  Brushing my fingers over his upper back, my eyes became heavy. “I love you,” I whispered, before I allowed sleep to take over.

  ***

  (Xander)

  Letting Hope sleep, I left the house a couple of hours later and started jogging down the driveway. I looked up from my perch on a picnic bench, not remembering how I got there. Dropping my head in my hands, I let out a heavy sigh.

  “You alright?”

  My head snapped up at and I found Shana walking towards me. Her look of concern would usually annoy me but right now, I needed it. “I have no idea.”

  She nodded and hopped up on the table, sitting beside me. “I have days like that. My grandma always asks me if I’m okay and when I tell her I don’t know, she gets mad at me.”

  “Why?”

  She shrugged. “Not sure. I guess in most cases people do know how they are but when you say you don’t know, it throws them off. Like you’re supposed to say, I’m fine, no matter what.”

  “Life’s biggest lie,” I muttered.

  “Exactly.” She tilted her head, closing her eyes. “I miss the sun.”

  I grunted. The gloomy weather fit perfectly with my mood so it didn’t bother me at all.

  “You still coming to my recital? It’s next Wednesday.”

  “Sure.” I nodded. “Tell me where and I’ll be there.”

  “Sweet.” She clapped her hands together and grinned. “So tell me, Mr. Bitter, w
hat do you like to do?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well clearly you like to go for runs but what else? What interests you?” She looked up at me, waiting.

  My mouth opened and closed, a flutter swimming in the pits of my gut. “I…I’m not sure.”

  She frowned. “Do you like to read? Watch movies? What’s your favorite movie?”

  I shook my head. No one had ever asked me what I liked to do or what I was interested in. Everyone assumed I would go with the flow or I wanted to be constantly high. My chest ached and I gripped my shirt. “I…I should go,” I said, rising from the table.

  “No. Please don’t go. I’m sorry.” She grabbed my arm, stopping me. “My grandma tells me I’m too forward sometimes. Just tell me to shut up.”

  “I would never tell you to shut up,” I whispered, rubbing a hand over my buzzed head.

  “Where do you work?” she asked, genuinely interested in what I had to say.

  I rose from the table and paced back and forth in front of her, embracing the bite of the cool crisp air flowing around me. “I don’t have a job. That’s why I live with Caiden. I’m not a mooch but I can’t keep a job with all the shit going on inside of my head. But I refuse to live off the system. I guess…” I needed help like Caiden and Hope said but I didn’t know how to ask for it. I wanted to fight my demons on my own. I needed to.

  “Maybe try working from home? Or do you have any hobbies that you could make any money off of?”

  I scoffed. In another life, I would sell myself for sex but that wasn’t doable. Unless…I shook myself. God, I was such an asshole. “I like to draw and paint but I…I have several problems I’m dealing with and no one understands. I’m alone. I’m trapped inside my head and I can’t get out.” Once those words left me, a lead weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

  Shana stared at me, her face passive. “I…I think I know how you feel.”

  “You’re fourteen years old. You shouldn’t know how I feel.” I found myself wanting to destroy anything threatening to hurt her.

  “I know but I do.” She looked away and rose from her spot on the table. “Please come to my recital,” she said softly.

  I nodded. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

  ***

  Hanging out with Shana for a couple of hours each day allowed me to be myself. No judgment. No contempt. I felt normal. Or as normal as I could feel given my current situation. Why that was the case, I wasn’t sure. Why couldn’t it be like before? Caiden, Hope, and I hanging out. Shooting the shit. Being best friends. All throughout school, we were inseparable. My parents called us The Three Musketeers. Although it wasn’t original, it stuck and I loved it. It was like no matter what happened in life, Caiden and Hope would always have my back. They flew through school with honors, awards and high grades. While I barely made it. I graduated but probably because my teachers felt sorry for me.

  My parents were never home. I was alone most of the time. I loved them. I did. But they weren’t the best role models. If only I could tell them how I felt. But that day…that horrible afternoon, left me alone for good. And ever since their accident, I closed myself off from the rest of the world. Even from my best friends.

  My thoughts travelled around me, pounding inside of my head like a hammer. So many questions of what if and if only. I couldn’t live life this way but it was the only way I knew how.

  Turning up the volume on my phone until all I heard was the screaming of the guitars and heavy thump of the drums, I landed my fists against the punching bag. Circling the large swinging item before me, I envisioned that it was my demons. Black and billowy, laughing in my face, egging me on to the point I broke. But I refused. I wouldn’t let them control me.

  Beads of sweat rolled down my back, covering my skin like a second layer. My muscles burned with my rough movements, twitching and jumping inside of me.

  It had been a couple of days since Hope and I had sex. Since I felt the delicious warmth of her body. I was rough but she gave it back as hard. She was with me like she needed to be and I was with her because I couldn’t breathe without her. But did I ever tell her? No. I was stubborn. I could think the words I had wanted to say for so long but every time I got the balls to tell her how I felt, they froze on my tongue. It was such a sad cliché but it was true.

  Hope had kept her distance from me, no doubt still pissed at the way I treated her. Although she never stopped me, I knew we needed to talk. But once I was seated deep inside of her, all thought process fizzled out. She felt safe. She was my home. If only I could tell her.

  Caiden had also kept to himself, probably giving up on me. We never talked about my breakdown or him telling me that he loved me. He spent most of his time in the basement, doing who knows what. I still didn’t know what was down there and even though I was curious, I didn’t care enough to research further.

  As if he could read my mind, Caiden arrived in front of me and grabbed hold of the punching bag. His gaze locked with mine but he didn’t do anything. He held the bag while I punched the shit out of it.

  After a half an hour of self-torture, I stopped and hunched over. Taking deep breaths to ease my racing heart, I pulled the ear buds from my ears.

  “How do you feel?” Caiden asked me, handing me a bottle of water.

  “I forgot how much pain a punching bag could inflict.” I shook out my limbs and stretched.

  He chuckled. “No doubt.”

  “Where’s Hope?” I asked, drying my face off with a towel.

  “She’s…around.” Caiden made his way to the door and turned back to me. “I want to show you something.”

  My heart jumped. “Okay...”

  “Follow me.” Caiden headed down the hall to the set of double doors leading to the basement. He pushed them open, took a deep breath and walked over the threshold, not looking back to see if I was behind him.

  I followed, because curiosity got the better of me and I wanted to know what he did while he holed himself up in the basement.

  The thick silence wore on, the only sounds being the shuffling our feet made against the deep red plush carpet. The walls were painted black with gold light fixtures hanging from the ceiling. The cool damp air circled around us, sending a shiver down my spine. It reminded me of a dungeon although it didn’t look like one.

  Once Caiden reached another set of double doors at the end of the long hallway, he turned to me. “I’m showing you this part of myself because you need to know.” He grabbed the gold door knob. “Open your mind, Xander, and trust me.” Not giving me a chance to respond, he pushed open the doors and stepped into a large room.

  I followed in behind him, my gaze instantly landing on Hope. My jaw dropped. She looked absolutely stunning. She was wearing a white floor length dress, her auburn curls piled high on her head. Her full lips tugged at the corners but she didn’t do or say anything as I made my way further into the room.

  My gaze danced around the vast expanse, not understanding what I was seeing. “What’s going on?” I asked, my heart racing hard against my rib cage.

  “For the past couple of years, I’ve been practicing Kinbaku.” Caiden moved to the wall holding a coiled up rope. “Do you know what that is, Xander?”

  I shook my head.

  “It’s a form of rope play. I found out a while ago that my grandfather practiced it. When I was a child, I walked in on him binding a woman and I was intrigued. But what amazed me even more was the look of pure and utter love and submission written all over her face. She trusted him completely.”

  I had no idea. I had met Caiden’s grandfather once but never in my life would I have thought he was into kink.

  “Now I know what you’re thinking but this is not a form of kink,” Caiden said as if taking the thought right from my mind. “It’s more than that and I have had the pleasure of sharing it with Hope.”

  My head whipped around, my brows furrowing.

  “Before you get all jealous and cave man on me, we have never had
sex, so don’t you fucking say shit,” Caiden’s voice hardened, his dark eyes taking on a glacial look. “This is your problem, Xander,” he pointed at me. “You assume and jump to conclusions before you ask questions. I know you’re still pissed I’ve kept in contact with her but there are reasons for it that you don’t understand.”

  “Then enlighten me,” I bit out, crossing my arms under my chest.

  “I will, but not right now. Right now, we need to share this with you.” Caiden stood beside Hope and handed her the coiled up rope.

  “Why? What is this going to do for me? You going to bind me, restrain me so I can’t do anything? So I submit like a pussy?” I said, my voice rough.

  “Listen to me when I tell you,” Caiden glared. “Submitting is not a form of weakness. It does not mean you are a pussy if you give your control over to someone else. Domination and submission is all about trust and communication.”

  “So you tie your partners up, Caid? Is that it? Is that the only way you can get them to fuck you?” My mouth snapped shut as soon as the words left my lips. What the hell was I thinking? He was trying to help me. Trying to make me see I could be more than an empty shell that needed drugs and alcohol to get any sustenance.

  In a quick move, Caiden was in front of me. He cupped my neck in a rough hold. “I know you’re going through shit.” His fingers grazed my temple. “I know there are demons inside of you that you can’t control but don’t you ever accuse me of forcing myself on the people I fuck.”

  “I didn’t mean…I never—”

  His brows narrowed to hard points. “You know what I’ve been through but what you don’t know is the nightmares I’ve had. The moments where I wake up screaming because all I can feel is the fire burning my skin. The agony of losing my family over a stupid accident. You lost your parents in a car crash. That was not your fault and yet you blame yourself. Why, Xander?”

  I swallowed hard.

  “You need to stop. I lost my parents and little brother because of the fire I lit in the fireplace that got out of control when I fell asleep. But do you see me feeling sorry for myself?” His voice rose. “Do you see me drowning myself in a bottle or ingesting shit that would eventually kill me? No. You want to fucking know why? Because I know it was not my fault. I know it was an accident and that my family would not want me to destroy myself because of it.” Something flashed in his gaze and he quickly looked away.