Ruined by Shadows

by Lola StVil

  I get it. All of a sudden, it hits me. My parents left me because they loved me enough to know it was better to hurt me in the short term to save me in the long term. I sit back down heavily on the bench, and Nyten sits down beside me. He doesn’t speak; he leaves me to quietly reflect. I turn to him after a couple of minutes.

  “I get it now. Really, I do. But it’s not helping. I still can’t let go of the anger. I want to. Really, I do. But I don’t know how to. How do I let go of a lifetime’s worth of anger? How do I forget everything I went through because of your decision to leave me?”

  Nyten turns so he’s sitting sideways and facing me dead on. I mirror his position.

  “You’ll never forget the awful childhood you had. Those memories will always be a part of you. You need to stop focusing on them. Stop thinking about the consequences our decision had. Stop even trying to work out if what we did was the right choice or not.”

  He pauses to let that sink in.

  “All you have to do is accept that we thought we were doing the right thing. And know that we made that decision out of love for you.”

  It all becomes clear to me as he lays it out for me like that. Of course the decision was made out of love. How could my parents have rejected me because I was bad? I was just a baby. I wasn’t born bad. They loved me. They really fucking loved me. And I think, no, I know, that they still do.

  “I… I see it,” I whisper.

  I open my mouth to tell him I understand and that I’m sorry I’ve held it against him for all these years, that I’m sorry I rejected his explanation until now.

  I don’t get a chance to speak before I feel a stabbing pain inside of me. My hand reaches up for my chest. I can’t breathe. The pain is constricting my body, crushing the life out of me. I fall to the side, and as I hit the ground, everything goes black.

  I slowly come to, and for a moment, I have no idea where I am. The last thing I remember is talking to Nyten. He had a way for me to save Atlas, and then I felt pain. I thought I was dying.

  The truth hits me with the full force of a deep, dark depression. I wasn’t talking to Nyten. I didn’t pass out there. I’m here, in Atlas’ bed. It was all a dream. Nyten can’t help me. No one can. Today is Atlas’ last day on Earth, and there’s nothing I can do to change that.

  I look at my watch, and my eyes fly open wide. It’s after eleven. I totally overslept and wasted precious hours with Atlas. I sit up, and I see it’s dark outside. What the fuck? Is it nighttime?

  I missed her last day altogether?

  I mean, I was exhausted last night with good reason, but to have slept for almost twenty-four hours is unthinkable any day but especially today.

  I shake my head, completely disorientated. I push the comforter back and stand up. As I make for the door, it opens, and Atlas runs in and throws herself into my arms. I feel the familiar warmth that always envelops me when she’s close, and my heart speeds up a bit at the sight of her.

  “Hey, it’s okay,” I say as she clings to me.

  She steps back and looks me up and down. I let my eyes linger on her face. She’s so beautiful. The perfect tragic heroine.

  “I can’t believe I slept so long. Why didn’t you wake me?” I ask.

  “You don’t remember?” she asks.

  “Remember what?” I say.

  “What happened to you. We don’t know exactly; I was hoping you could fill me in. I started to get worried when you weren’t back by noon, and I convinced Pest and Rachel to help me look for you. Pest found you collapsed a couple of blocks away. He got you back here, and we called in Regal. He tried to heal you, but nothing worked. We called Sadie, and she turned up armed with more potions than I’ve ever seen, but again nothing worked.

  “She said you weren’t physically injured; you were just locked in a world of pain. What does that even mean?”

  She’s still talking, but I don’t hear her. It’s all coming back. The talk with Nyten, it was real. I did collapse, and that’s where Pest found me. The pain must have been the pain from not saving her, from not being able to let go. I really thought I had let go of my anger when I saw that my parents really did act out of love, and really did think they were doing right by me. But it couldn’t have worked, or I’d feel differently.

  “Kane?” Are you listening?” Atlas asks loudly.

  I focus on her again, and she gives me that smile. The one that always makes me want to grab her and kiss her. I feel my heart flutter as I look at her. I didn’t think that was a real thing. I thought…

  I stop.

  My heart fluttered. My fucking heart. It worked. It actually worked.

  “What happened, Kane? Were you trapped in your Break again?” Atlas says.

  I shake my head.

  “No. And I don’t think that will be happening again anytime soon,” I say.

  I can actually save her. I can’t stop myself. I grab her and lift her in the air, swinging her around and laughing. She laughs, but she looks concerned.

  “Are you okay?” she asks as I place her back on her feet.

  “Atlas, I have literally never been better,” I tell her.

  She frowns. I want to be able to share my joy with her, but she can’t know about this. She will never agree to it when she hears there’s a good chance I’ll die. And I don’t want to get her hopes up just yet; I don’t even know how this will work. I’m just hoping Sadie will.

  “Do you trust me, Atlas?” I ask, looking into her eyes.

  “With everything I am,” she replies with no hesitation.

  “Then I need you not to ask questions. I have something that might be able to save you, but I need to talk to Sadie, and we don’t have much time.”

  “Kane, I’ve accepted my fate. Can’t you just accept it too?”

  She answers her own question before I have a chance to.

  “No, you can’t. You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t at least try whatever you’re talking about.”

  She looks at her watch.

  “We have about half an hour before I have to leave. Go. I’ll be in the lounge with the others. Don’t you dare take so long that we don’t even get to say goodbye, okay?”

  “I won’t,” I promise her. “But Atlas, I don’t want to get your hopes up when this might not work, but if it does, we won’t be saying goodbye.”

  I rush away from her and into the lounge.

  “You’re awake,” Saudia says. “What happened?”

  “No time,” I say. “I have something that could work. Sadie, Regal, I need to talk to you both in the lab. Now.”

  I hurry to the lab, Sadie and Regal on my heels. Sadie closes the door behind her, and they take seats.

  “What’s going on, Kane?” she asks.

  I’m pacing, not sure where to start or how to explain.

  “This is going to sound crazy, but I’m hoping you know how it can be done. I went to Nyten, asked him if there was any way to save Atlas.”

  Sadie raises an eyebrow at my mention of seeing Nyten, but she doesn’t say anything, and I go on.

  “He said two people who are truly in love can share one heart. Would you know how to split a heart and keep both people alive while you were doing it?” I ask Sadie.

  “Well, yes, I know a spell that would enable one heart to stay beating outside of the bodies, and split into two parts successfully. And I guess it’s possible to keep the two people from ending up brain dead if it was done quickly enough. But Kane, I hate to tell you this, honey, but you don’t have a heart.”

  I wave her objections away.

  “I do. Nyten said everyone has a heart. Only my demon blood was masking mine. I let go, Mom. I let go of all of the anger that I’ve carried for years, and I truly forgave you and Nyten… my… my dad. The demon blood is gone. I’m human again. I can feel my heart beating.”

  “Oh Kane, I know you’d want to believe that, but it’s not possible,” Sadie says.

  I don’t have time for this shit. I didn’t thin
k getting her to believe me would be the hard part. I reach into my pocket and pull out the key I used to cut my palm. I cut it again, and red blood flows from the wound.

  “Does that look like demon blood to you?” I ask.

  “I… no,” Sadie says, clearly speechless.

  She takes a moment to gather herself. Regal sits in silence, his mouth hanging open.

  “You know there’s a good chance one or both of you could die doing this, don’t you?” she says.

  I nod. “Yes, but Atlas will die if we don’t do it, and I don’t care about me as long as she’s okay.”

  “And we won’t be able to do it here. If Atlas turns up alive, with her heart in her hand, Arken is going to know we tricked him, and all the bets are off. We have to make the switch after Arken has her heart. And you know we can’t tell her about this before it happens, right?”

  I nod.

  “Why not?” Regal asks.

  “Because she’ll know there’s a good chance Kane will die doing this, and she’ll never agree to it,” Sadie tells him.

  She turns back to me.

  “It’s going to be damn hard to pull this off, Kane. The timings and everything have to be spot-on. But the hardest part will be convincing Atlas she’s not going to Arken alone,” Sadie says.

  Regal answers before I can.

  “Like we’d have let her go alone anyway. She won’t think there’s anything suspicious in her team, and all of you, insisting we go with her.”

  “What he said,” I say.

  “Kane, this is all great. And don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad you’ve found a way to save Atlas, and I’m happy to be a part of it, but I don’t get why you’re telling me and not the rest of the team.”

  “The fewer people who know the plan the better. That’s why I’m not telling everyone, and I’d appreciate it if you both kept it quiet.”

  They both nod.

  “Of course,” Regal says.

  Sadie gets up.

  “I have to go and cleanse myself for the spell to work,” she explains. “It’s not a potion, it’s an actual incantation, and there are certain rituals I have to complete.”

  “You didn’t answer my question, Kane,” Regal says as Sadie walks away. “Why am I here? What do you need me to do?”

  I wait until Sadie leaves and the door closes.

  “Sorry,” I say. “I didn’t want her to hear this part. You’re here because you’re the healer, Regal, and as much as I hate to put all of this pressure on you, while our hearts are out, it’ll be up to you to keep us alive.”

  “I realize that. I’ll do my best. If the switch is as quick as Sadie said it needs to be, you won’t lose too much blood or oxygen to the brain. It’ll be more a case of getting you healed back up once the new piece is in.”

  “You don’t understand, Regal. That’s not what I’m putting on you. What I’m putting on you is this. If it comes down to it and you have to make a choice, you let me die. Don’t risk trying to save us both if it could mean you lose her.”

  “Oh wow, Kane, that’s a lot. If I save her and not you, what do you think that will do to her? And what about the others? They’ll all know I could have tried to save you and I didn’t.”

  “I know what it will do to her, but she’ll have you guys to get her through it. And I know the others will judge you, but tell them about this conversation, and I think they’ll get it. I know it’s a lot to ask, but please. Swear to me that if you have to make a choice, you’ll choose her.”

  Regal’s face is deathly white, but he nods his head.

  “I swear I’ll choose her.”

  Sadie comes back to the lab.

  “Okay, I’m ready,” she says.

  I glance at my watch. It’s eleven fifty-one. My newly discovered heart heavily pounds as dread seizes me. Nine minutes until we have to face Arken. Nine minutes until this whole thing could blow up in our faces and I could lose everything.

  We make our way to the lounge in silence. Atlas glances up and grins when I come in. How the fuck is she so calm?

  “Way to leave it to the last minute to say goodbye,” she says.

  “Atlas, come on, we both know you’re not going there alone. Don’t even bother trying to argue, because I’m going with you,” I say.

  “We all are,” Langston says.

  “You don’t have to do that. What if Arken tries something?” she says.

  “She’s right, you know. We should stay here. See what’s on Netflix or something,” Perry says.

  Langston snaps her head towards Perry so fast I hear her neck crack.

  “I’m joking,” he says.

  Langston starts to look away.

  “I already checked Netflix. I’ve seen all the good stuff. Maybe we’ll try Amazon TV or something. I hear Vikings is brilliant.”

  “For fuck’s sake, Perry,” Saudia says.

  “What?” Perry says. “She knows we’re going with her. And what I just said sounds as ridiculous as it would be not to expect her family to see this through with her. Right, Atlas?”

  “Right,” she concedes.

  She already knew we’d tell her we were going with her, and she already knew it was an argument she’d lose, so she didn’t even bother trying to win it. And maybe, just maybe, she’s not as brave about this as she’s acting, and she needs us with her for moral support.

  “Sadie? Would you do the honors and open the portal?” Atlas asks.

  “Of course,” Sadie says.

  “It’s only seven minutes to midnight,” Rachel points out. “Do you think Arken will show up early?”

  “No, but I want to say a few things to you guys before he shows up, and I don’t want to risk missing the deadline by doing it here.”

  Pest has already given Sadie the coordinates, and she opens the portal. We pop through it and enter the Arizona desert. Even at this time of night, it’s hot, though not unbearable.

  We stand in a loose semicircle with Atlas facing us.

  “Rachel,” she starts. “I haven’t known you for very long, but you risked everything to save my life, and for that, I am eternally thankful to you, even if mine ends here.”

  Rachel blushes and shifts awkwardly in the sand as Atlas hugs her. Atlas gives her a sad smile and a nod and then turns to Pest.

  “She’s a keeper, Pest. Make her happy. And look after Kane for me. And don’t give me this crap about you two not speaking. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. I don’t care what it’s about. Both of you find a way to fix it because you never know how long you have left. Promise me, as my last wish, you will do this for me—the dying girl gets whatever she wants.” She guilts him with a teary smile and a long hug.

  Pest nods and I do the same. What else can we do at this point? We have to promise her anything she asks for. Plus, I let go of the anger at my parents. Would it be too much of a stretch to forgive Pest one mistake? I gave him a tentative smile, which he returns.

  Atlas moves on to Regal and Carla. She hugs them both.

  “Regal, Carla, I’m so glad you found each other. You’re great together, and I know you’re going to be so happy together. Maybe you could tell your future children stories about our adventures together.” She smiles. They nod. I even see a tear in Carla’s eye, though she hides it well.

  Saudia is next.

  “Saudia, you have been my rock through all this. You kicked my ass when necessary, and you’ve been there with a sympathetic ear when I needed it. You gave everything up for this team, and I want you to know how much that means to me. And I want you to let go of the guilt. You did what you had to, nothing more and nothing less, and you deserve to move on and be happy.”

  Saudia’s eyes fill with tears, and she reaches out for Atlas. They share a long hug. Atlas moves to Sadie, and she smiles.

  “I think we already did this, but I’ll say it again. You have always been like a mother to me, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you’ve done for me. I love you, Sadie.”


  They hug. Saudia isn’t the only one crying now. Tears run freely down everyone’s faces. Atlas approaches Langston and Perry. Langston has her head on Perry’s shoulder, sniffling.

  “Hey, come on now, no tears. Your mascara will run.” Atlas grins.

  Langston gives a half laugh and sniffs loudly. She wipes her eyes and lifts her head up to face Atlas.

  “Oh Atlas,” she says.

  “It’s okay,” Atlas says. “And you two, I know you had your problems, but you are so good together. Langston, you rein Perry in when he needs it, and Perry, you let Langston drop her guard and just be herself. Promise me you’ll work this all out and love each other forever.”

  Langston and Perry exchange a look, and Perry nods.

  Langston says, “Atlas, we weren’t going to tell you this because it seems insensitive as fuck, to put it bluntly, with what you’re going through. But you’re taking it so well, and maybe a bit of good news is what you need to hear. Perry and I had a long talk about everything after we got back from the Land of Lost Souls. And we got engaged.”

  Atlas shrieks with joy, just like I know she would have even if she weren’t about to face death. She pulls Langston and Perry in for a three-way hug.

  “Congratulations, you guys. You have no idea how happy that makes me, and I’m so glad you decided to tell me.”

  It’s two minutes to midnight when Atlas turns to me. For the first time, she falters, and I see the fear beneath her acceptance of this. I pull her into my arms.

  “How do I say goodbye to you, Kane?” she asks softly.

  I hold her out at arm’s length and give her a gentle kiss on the mouth.

  “It’s easy,” I say. “You don’t. You do this knowing we’ll meet again one day. So this isn’t goodbye, it’s just see you later.”

  A single tear runs down her face.

  “I love you, Liam Kane. You opened up a side of me I didn’t even know existed. A side that loved life and laughed, and was happy. You showed me that people can change and that not everything is what it seems. And you showed me how to love completely with my body, mind, and soul.”

  I feel a tear run from my own eye. I don’t attempt to wipe it away.