The Life She Left Behind

by ChaShiree M.

  “Now to hear you got involved with a mob boss and bore his child without us knowing for the past eight years is not something we can get over instantly. You need to give us time and a chance to talk to Ren. For fuck sake Fae, how much older than you is he? Have you ever been in danger from him? Did you even know what you were getting into and who he was? I mean god dammit Fae, give us time. Right now I could punch a hole in the structure of this house from my anger bringing the whole fucking thing crashing down. I fucking failed you. I am your big brother and I failed you when you needed me the most. I will never be able to fix…”

  I rush to him and wrap my arms around him, kissing him all over his face then whisper in his ear, “You didn’t fail me or us. You guys did the best you could and came back for us as soon as you were able to. You didn’t have a choice, Brax. You will always be my big brother and my hero. Please forgive yourself and me. I love you.”

  When I pull back and look at him, I see the moisture under his eyelids. He doesn’t bother to hide it from me. It’s the first time in my existence I see my brother showing his emotions, as they are getting the best of him. Looking around at my siblings I can see they too share the same look of disbelief. Simultaneously, my sisters very quickly get up from their seats and surround him. We are all touching him in some way and stand there for a while. When he finally looks up and nods his head, we know the moment has passed. Brax has always taken things the hardest because of his place in the birth order.

  Phoenix takes a deep breath and in her typical Phoenix fashion breaks the ice by making us all laugh and smile with one sentence. “Well at least I’m not the baby anymore.” I laugh so hard because she always complains that we treat her like she is a baby because she is THE baby.

  I reach for my sisters and hold them tightly. “I am so sorry girls. You have no idea the amount of guilt I have been carrying for not only lying to you this whole time, but also for being a hypocrite. I hound you day and night about keeping secrets from me and here I was holding a really major one from you. For that I am sorry and promise it will never happen again.”

  “Fae we get it. Is it a shock? Yes. Do we wish you had told us? Yes. But we understand it was all done to protect the family you made. For that Fae, we will always love and respect you.”

  Looking around the room at all the love I see directed towards me, I feel extremely happy to have these people in my life. I also know my son will be very lucky to have them in his life too.

  “So when do we get to spoil our new nephew?” Of course that would be the first thing Kea would want to know. She is the happiest out of all of us. Always glass mostly full.

  I turn to her and smile. “How about we start off slowly with letting him get to know all of you in his environment and work our way up from there. Besides I want to spend time with him first. I have not seen him in eight years and now I need to get reacquainted with him again. You guys can be a lot to take for an adult. I can’t imagine how a child will do it.”

  “Look at you sounding all motherly already.”

  Before I can respond, the front door opens and in walks Ren. He looks directly at me and walks into the kitchen.

  The guys all stand up at once and Apollo says “I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about and we need to figure things out ourselves. We all love you and you know where to find us if or when you need us.”

  I get hugs from all around and walk them to the door. Taking my time turning around I can feel as Ren approaches from behind. He bends to my ear and says “Now, do you want to tell me what happened earlier Fae. Why did you pull away from me?”

  I turn around to show him I am wearing my war face because it is now time to get down to business regarding our son and whatever relationship there will or will not be between his parents.

  REN

  God damn it. Can’t a man make love to his wife and enjoy time with his family in the morning without some damn drama?

  Waking up with her in my arms again after all this time was like a dream come true. Of course I wanted to celebrate this occasion appropriately in between her soft thighs, but as I anticipated, our son showed up. What I did not expect was to hear commotion downstairs and walk into a damn western standoff in my fucking kitchen. Imagine my surprise when I walk down the stairs and my guys are in fucking gun show and tell with four stone cold, Steve Austin, looking G.I. Joes. I mean fuck, they make most of my guys look like motherfucking ballerinas.

  “Who the fuck are you to storm my house like I owe you or some shit?”

  “We are looking for Fae. We tracked her phone here. Where the fuck is she?” “Who the fuck wants to know? You’re in my god damn house. So you do not get to demand anything.”

  “We will fucking demand, you low-life piece of shit. Get our sister down here now, before we bring this whole fucking place tumbling to the ground. Just in case you think we’re bluffing, we lined this whole estate with c-4 before we even knocked.”

  To prove to me he wasn’t playing, he held out a charge that could only be the detonation to a bomb. Son of a bitch. Heads are going to roll for this. There is no way these fucking meatheads should have been able to move around my fucking property undetected and long enough to load us up. I cock my head at Lucca and he muffles a ‘shit’ cause he knows when this little confrontation is over, some of my men are not going to make it off the property and this makes him real twitchy.

  Tuning back into the conversation the last thing I hear is. ”So step aside and let us get what we came here for.”

  The biggest of them all looking like an Arnold Schwarzenegger looking mofo, walks past me and begins yelling her name at the top of his lungs. Looking at the rest of them, I can see bits of Fae and my own son in all of them. The truth is I could easily get them off my property by simply telling them she is my wife, but I know she needs to do this herself. I run my hands over my face in exasperation, because it just dawns on me that I’m going to have to deal with these hulk looking fools forever. Great!!! FML!!! Like I need this shit on top of my own damn problems. Fae is going to owe me big time for putting up with this shit.

  As the big dude is yelling my house down, the front door opens again. My men and I draw our guns. What I did not envision was for 3 angelic looking ladies to walk into my house. I immediately know who they are because all of them look-alike and one of them I remember seeing at the bar when Raffa ran out after her. Now that I’m thinking about it, that’s interesting…I will have to look into that. Though my Fae is by far the most beautiful, they are all strikingly lovely. I put my gun away instantly.

  I mean, I fashion myself as a gentleman. Well…sometimes. I look around the room and notice the brothers have all changed formation in an effort to shield them from us. This adds points toward them in my book. Any man worth his grit would put himself in front of anything presenting a danger to a woman in his care. Continuing my perusal, I am amused and concerned to see that Lucca’s eyes have not left the direction of our three angels. What has me the most concerned though is that there appears to be one in particular that has caught his eye. I know if he pursues it, my new brothers-in-law will blow a fucking nut. Literally.

  I must confess though that I have never seen Lucca show more than a glancing interest in a woman and we have been practically attached at the hip since birth. However, I also notice said Angel seems to be just as interested in him. Judging by the nudge and grunt, one of the overgrown bench freaks has noticed too. Lucca finally turns to look at me and I lift my eyebrow. He at least has the sense to look sheepish. Seriously. I do not have the time or the inclination to deal with this asinine shit. The fuck. Just then I realize that the shouting has stopped.

  “Well I guess G.I. Joe 1,2 and 3, Joe 4 must have found Fae.” Turning to the girls I address them; “I’m sorry. Would you ladies like something to drink? You have to excuse my manners but getting dragged out of bed and confronted with guns, goons and explosives doesn’t bring out my hospitable side.”

  The object of Lucca’s desire
hits one of them over the head and proceeds to rag him about barging in and ruining Fae’s first time out of the gate before dragging her home to loneliness.

  It was definitely good to hear confirmation that she hasn’t been with anyone. But if they think she is leaving here, they are all fucked.

  I hear footsteps and see Fae emerge with Tony and G.I. Joe 4. Her sisters immediately descend on her and start trying to usher her out the door. The temperature in the room goes back up and weapons are once again redrawn. Normally this type of situation would be an adrenaline high for me. A piece of cake. But my lil man is down here and he has never seen a situation like this before and I never wanted him to. I worked hard keeping my world from touching him before he is ready to deal with it, if ever. Right as I get ready to lose my top, Fae jumps in.

  “Can everyone please put away your weapons? You’re scaring my son.” Well that effectively stuns her side of the room into compliance. Watching my woman take over this high stress situation makes me so proud I literally feel my chest inflate. She is asking them to take a seat and I know what is coming. I want nothing more than to stay and support her, but I know this is something she needs to do alone.

  I am looking at the man I love with so much confusion right now. My feelings from one moment to the next are so mixed up that I am not sure if I’m coming or going. What I do know unequivocally is that I will not walk away from my son again. I want this thing between Ren and I settled once and for all. Maybe I can move on and possibly have a life that doesn’t involve self-imposed isolation. With that thought, I square my shoulders take a deep breath and prepare for answers.

  “Ren, why did you look for me? I mean to get revenge for leaving you? Did you bring me here to show me the life you’re living with our son and the new woman in your life? To show me what I could have had all of these years if I hadn’t left. Is that what this is? If it was, all you had to do was tell me about it and I would have been broken. You didn’t have to go through all this and fuck me to do it. Or maybe it was crueler than that. Did you plan to dangle our son in my face only to rip him from me again? Well, I’ve got news for you.”

  At this point, I’m so mad I’m poking him in his solid chest with my finger which is about to break off. The messed up part is this whole confrontation is making me wet. I’m not sure if it is the way he is looking at me, the mixture of amusement, or the animalistic need and anger showing on his face. Not quite sure which one I’m responding to. I suspect it might be all three. The extreme power behind him and the radiating control he has is trying to let me have my say. I know he is doing it for me and it makes me love him more. I have to get this out.

  “You need to know now that since I have seen him again, there is no way I am walking out of his life a second time. The only way I was able to the first time was because I knew he wouldn’t’ remember me. I convinced myself there would be no harm done. But now, I have seen and held him and he has seen me, there is no way I could do that to him or myself. So if that was your plan, it backfired. I know you have a lot of money and power, but I will fight you….mmmmm.”

  He successfully shuts me up by pulling my body forward and kissing me stupid. Wrapping his hand around my head he forces my mouth the way he wants it. Our tongues are tangling with his trying to dominate. When he pulls me back a bit to let me know I am not the one in charge. Like I really thought I was, that is so silly. He nibbles from my lips, to my ear and down my neck where he sinks his teeth into me.

  I mean holy wet panties. Thank GOD I’m wearing baggy pants because there would be a big wet spot in the front. I try to get away but the bite gets harder till I finally surrender. Which was his intent. Obviously. When a male lion is trying to tame his lioness, he bites her until she surrenders, which apparently it works.

  As he feels me giving up, he loosens his hold and moves around to look at my face. With my face in his hands and his eyes focused on me, he says “First of all, there was never a question that I was going to find you and bring you home. Second, the only revenge I had planned was in our bed and I think I achieved my goal there baby. Or do you need a repeat? Huh.”

  “Is that what this tantrum is for, you didn’t get enough and you need me to take it again? Once again proving that I own you. Fae, my pussy responds to her master whenever I command. I bet she’s wet now right? If I stick my hands down the front of your pants, will you be soaked for me baby? Would that cunt be quivering and feverish with need for me, waiting for me to take her and make her purr?”

  “Is that what all this is? Because I know you cannot be seriously suggesting that I would ever bring another woman here. Where our son lives. In the house I had built for us according to your dream and specifications. You used to write them in that journal I found. You think I’d move another woman in? I mean you are not that fucking suicidal that you would accuse me of something like that; when I spent the last 8 years with my heart ripped out. Hoping to find you so it can be put back in and our family can be whole again. “

  Well when he puts it like that. I mean sheesh. He is red now, tense and looking at me like I just accused him of a murder or something. Now here I go again feeling guilty and I’m fucking sick of it.

  “Look Ren, I’m sorry if you feel I insulted you. There are clothes in the closet upstairs and toiletries for a woman in the bathroom. What am I supposed to think? I know I hurt you when I left and most likely deserve all of the retribution you could dish at me. You were only ever good to me, but I just…I just can’t.”

  Oh shit. He hasn’t grabbed my hair like that in so long. Swooning, I’m swooning now. I don’t even feel angry anymore. The only emotion I feel at this moment is need. Could he be right? Is this what I was after the whole time? Is it possible that I have been feeling unfulfilled because he didn’t take me the way I need him too. I know this sounds crazy, because I mean I know what he did to me for the past 13hrs, however, it was nothing compared to what I am used to from him.

  What I thought he was going to do was embroil me in a different type of torture. But to my chagrin, it didn’t happen. I have missed this man with all of my heart and lord knows I missed my son more than you can possibly imagine. But the other part of me that was missing had nothing to do with being a mom. It was the side that had me on my knees, with my head bent, and my arms behind my back.

  Yes. Submission. I craved this part of who I was. Submitting to him was my greatest agony and my strongest desire. I sincerely believe it was also the strongest reason why I wasn’t even remotely interested in being with anyone else. I knew they couldn’t begin to grasp the concept of what we were to each other and they couldn’t give me what I needed to feel whole.

  “Fae, deflection won’t work baby. You didn’t answer my question. Are you itching for me to take you over? You want me to grab you and send you to your knees baby. Would that convince you that I want no one but you? OK baby. Your wish is my command. “

  “But first, we are going to finish this discussion. So go ahead get it all out before you can’t anymore. Because after this, and listen to what I am telling you Fae. After this, there will be no more space between us. No pushing away, no doubts, and no fucking running. We will face things together as a couple and as what we are, the other half of one another. So say what the fuck you gotta say or ask what you want to know cause this is it.”

  I’m supposed to be focusing on what I need to say to him, but all I can focus on is the authority in his words and voice that make me want to throw myself at him.

  “I am not trying to accuse you of anything; though I can see how you would think that. I don’t really know what I am feeling right now. From the moment I walked into this house it felt like it had a feminine vibe to it. Like a woman put a lot of care into it and I don’t know of any woman that would do that unless she was invested in it somehow. Then I find women’s toiletries in the bathroom, clothes in the closet and I guess I’m just confused right now.”

  I was expecting him to start explaining at the least, but w
hat I did not see coming was this belly laugh. I mean he is laughing at me. Why is this so fucking funny? Now instead of being turned on I want to slap his fucking face.

  “Ok I’m glad my confusion is amusing to you. I am not dealing with this shit. I…” now where the fuck is he going. He walks away from me still laughing and shaking his head like I’m the nutcase. “Where are you going? I am not done with what I have to say.”

  “Take a look at this Fae.” He says as he slams several books down on the table. I look at him with the confusion I am feeling but I humor him by picking them up. It feels like I have seen these before. I’m Just not sure. Why have I seen these before? “Do you remember now little fairy? Open it.”

  I open the book and gasp because the floors I am currently standing on are in it. When I flip the page the dressers that are in the Master bedroom are there. Flipping through more pages, my eyes start tearing. As I keep turning the pages I can see it’s the life I had planned for us. The life we were building together. Then it hits me, this house is our house. Everything in it from the floors down to the TV’s is the evidence of what we had, wanted and what he continued to build… for us.

  I look up at him as tears stream down my face and I fling myself at him. Holding on for dear life to this man, who never gave up on me. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever beheld. I pull back a little and try to apologize for the accusation I almost bestowed upon him, but the words never come. He slams his mouth on mine and my whole trajectory changes. The tension coiling within him lets me know this is Ren’s dance and I am happy to let him take the lead.

  “So now you know, baby. Don’t doubt me again. I told you who you were to me all those years ago and when I made you remember the words, I meant them. I meant every single word and I still do. My whole life stopped when you left and if it hadn’t been for Tony and Lucca. I would have ceased to exist. Do you understand what I am saying to you, baby?” I nod my head even though I can barely think through the fog of information.