The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy)

by Kahlen Aymes

  “What are you saying, Ryan? That she started it?”

  I shook my head in response.

  “She was innocent, Aaron. I’m not going to give details, but she was innocent.”

  His eyes widened as understanding dawned on him. “Ryan, really? 23 and still with her cherry? Are you serious?” His face lit up like a candle.

  “I’m only telling you because I need to talk about it, but can you please use a little discretion? This is Julia. Not some random chick I banged on a one night stand,” I said impatiently.

  He sat back and rubbed the stubble on his chin thoughtfully. “No shit!” he said like he couldn’t believe me. “Julia was a virgin?” he said more to himself than to me.

  “She’s…special, Aaron. She’s not like other women. I never thought she was, but this weekend, I discovered a whole new side to her.”

  “Ryan, I love Julia. I know how much she means to you. I love Jen, but I don’t think it’s anything close to what you and Julia have. Did she tell you why? I mean, she’s had boyfriends—” he paused. “So I thought…” his words dropped off and he shrugged.

  I got up and filled a glass with water out of the refrigerator. I paused, my back to him, as I spoke.

  “She said that she couldn’t let anyone else touch her. Can you believe that, Aaron?” I asked incredulously. “She said she couldn’t bear to be with anyone else because of how she felt about me. All the time when I was going mad with jealousy, she wasn’t even going there…I can’t tell you what knowing that does to my insides. I’m…stunned.”

  Aaron watched as I walked back to join him on the couch. “Fuck me,” he said.

  “I know.” I ran a hand through my hair and tugged on the ends. “It just makes me love her even more.”

  “Yeah, right. You drove me nuts before. Always mooning around but never admitting it. It was frustrating living with your moody ass then, now it will be insane.” He laughed; the sound coming from somewhere deep in his chest.

  I smiled. “But I do love her more. She’s amazing. Innocent, yes, but so damn passionate. It’s like we’re one person and we instinctively know what the other needs. The love she has for me seeps right into my skin whenever she touches me, Aaron. It’s that intense. Being with her was like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life.” My tone was serious and reflective as I lost myself in the memory of her mouth and body moving with mine.

  “Did you talk about your, um, habits, Ryan?” Aaron asked hesitantly. “Ryan?”

  I looked up, snapped out of my memories of the weekend.

  “You mean dating other women?” I shrugged. “Yeah, it came up, but not like you think. She wasn’t grilling me.” I thought of the drawing in my bag and quickly stood up. “Wait a minute.”

  I went and retrieved the sketch book. It was almost like I was sharing one of Julia’s secrets, but I couldn’t explain this any other way.

  “It hurt her, yeah, but she said that she knew they wouldn’t last, and she and I always remained close. She said she didn’t want short-term gratification and risk losing what we had. I can’t believe she hid her feelings, but, I guess I did the same thing.”

  “Julia is very smart, Ryan. She had your number all along.”

  I smiled. “She had me alright. I was a fucked up mess. I should have known it was hopeless to try to get her out of my system and nothing could make me fall out of love.”

  “Especially since she was your best friend, dickhead. How do you fall out of love with someone you can’t stay away from?” he scoffed. “Jen and I used to bet on which one of you would crack first.”

  I chuckled softly and shook my head. Leave it to Aaron to blast me with a dose of reality whether I wanted one or not. “Who won?” I raised my eyebrow at him sardonically.

  “Neither. You both caved at the same time and all it took was a little thing like Harvard Med.”

  He reached for the book in my hand but I pulled it back. “Julia used to sketch me on the nights I went out.” The corners of my mouth lifted in a sad smile. “I wish I would have known how much it hurt her because it wasn’t worth that to me. Wednesday night after we made love, I fell asleep and she drew this…” I finally handed it to him and he flipped open the cover.

  “Holy shit, Ryan,” Aaron exclaimed quietly after looking at the half-finished drawing. He stared down at the drawing, admiring the fine details and pencil strokes so lovingly placed on the page. “She’s very talented. It’s perfect, almost like a photograph.” He looked up at me as I stood above him.

  I moved to the couch and sat down slowly. Aaron looked at the drawing again and then shook his head with a smile on his face.

  “I know how incredible it is,” I said softly. “It’s like she looks right through me or into my soul or something. I can’t even find the words to describe how I feel.”

  Aaron closed the cover on the sketch pad and set it on the coffee table, leaning back in the chair. “So…what are you gonna do about it?”

  “We talked about her moving to New York. She’s going to ask her boss about getting a transfer.”

  “We’ve been over this. Has some seismic activity altered the state of the universe or is New York still two hundred and twenty miles from Boston? Distance is still distance.”

  “Yeah, well two hundred and twenty is better than three thousand. At least we can see each other more often. And we need that. Neither one of us is forgetting our goals or responsibilities, but we have to be closer to each other.”

  He rolled his eyes. “I’m just sayin’…I know you, Ryan. You won’t be satisfied until Julia is in Boston, preferably living here.”

  He was right. Everything inside of me screamed for her, to have her near me, accessible whenever we needed each other. I was terrified of Julia being in Manhattan all alone and still being four hours away. What if she needed me and I couldn’t get to her fast enough? My chest tightened.

  I nodded. “I know that’s true, but she’s worth going through anything. I’ll deal.”

  “Again with the dealing bullshit! Am I having déjà vu? Didn’t we have this same damn conversation that night we both got our acceptance letters?” I started walking down the hall toward my bedroom.

  “Screw you, Aaron!”

  “Ok, fine. Whatever, Ryan. You go deal. Riiiiiight,” he mocked after me.

  I flipped him off over my shoulder and he burst out laughing.

  As I closed the door to my room, stripped off my clothes and lay down in my lonely bed, I suddenly ached for Julia, wishing it was her bed. At least then I’d have her scent.

  “Gah!” I groaned in my frustration, rolling over onto my stomach and grabbing the pillow. I bunched it up underneath me and rested my chin on my forearms. Sighing, my mind flooded with memories of the weekend spent in her arms. Such beautiful, love filled days and nights.

  Suddenly my arms and my life felt very empty indeed. Julia…I love you.

  I closed my eyes and tried to lose myself in the memory of her voice breathing out my name, her beautiful face lost in the passion we’d shared and the blissful contentment in the knowledge that she loved me. She loved me.

  I smoothed the material of my black pencil skirt down over my hips as I walked into my office. I noticed Andrea on her way in as well and she bounded into my office, flashing a bright smile on her way. She had her red mop piled on top of her head in an attractive, but messy, up do.

  “So? How was the weekend? Did your hottie friend make it into town?”

  I smiled up at her because I couldn’t help myself and a flush of heat crept up on my cheeks. “Yes. He did. We had a fabulous time together.”

  “Hmmm…I can see that by the look of you. I thought this dude was just your friend, Julia.”

  I flipped on my computer and waited for it to boot up. “Yes, he’s my best friend. We met when I was a freshman in college.”

  “So? Do I have to drag it out of you?” She laughed and plopped down in the chair in front of my desk. My office was small and the de
sk, the two chairs and the art board took up most of the space.

  “Did you get those photos back from production? The ones for the Men’s Sex Secrets feature?” I rolled my eyes at her. Some of the articles we did amused me, but it wasn’t my job to question the content, only make it look good.

  “Do I have to do it now? Can’t we talk first?” she practically whined.

  “Get the photos and then we can talk and work at the same time. Please?” I glanced up from my computer screen and pursed my lips.

  “Oh, okay! Slave driver!” She hurried from the room.

  My eyes flashed to the corner of my desk and a picture of Ryan and me at a Dodger’s game. Ellie had taken it one weekend when we’d all road-tripped to Los Angeles our junior year. He had his arm around me and was dumping beer into my open mouth from a cup a few inches above it. We looked so happy it made my heart lurch.

  Ryan could have been the model for this shoot and though the pictures would be gorgeous, I wouldn’t want to have him spread all over the pages of the magazine in his underwear. I smiled at the memory of the weekend, his naked body and how it had claimed ownership of mine. My breath left in a rush, desire and love washing over me in a wave. Finally, I could say he was mine. I smiled secretly to myself.

  “What’s that about, Julia? That face looks like you got laid this weekend. If that’s what you wanted, I certainly could have obliged.” Mike walked into my office and leaned in the door frame. He was blonde with blue eyes, a muscular build and attractive.

  I glanced up at him as I waded through my inbox. “Hey. Um…thanks, but no thanks.” I smiled as he put a hand over his heart.

  “Julia, you wound me deeply!” he groaned. “I’m the best catch around.” He was attractive in a slick, narcissistic sort of way, always dressing trendy with an edge, his hair always perfectly coiffed. It was more his personality that put me off. He thought he was funny, but sometimes he was just annoying.

  “That’s why we never dated, Mike,” I scoffed and rolled my eyes but kept avoiding his gaze. “You love yourself too much!” I started typing an email to production regarding a proof on the layout for one of the fashion features for the January issue.

  “We never dated, because I didn’t try that hard.” He sat on the edge of my desk knocking the picture over and I reached quickly to keep it from tumbling to the floor.

  “Oh? Was that it?” I asked flatly.

  “Of course,” he said as he brushed back a strand of hair that had fallen out of my low ponytail. Instinctively, I pulled away and glared.

  “Pfft. Whatever. If it makes you feel better to think so, have at it.”

  Andrea walked in carrying several boards of photos and laid them on the slant table, glancing at Mike on her way in. I had a feeling that she wouldn’t mind a little of his swarthy attention. She’d said on more than one occasion he was hot and she wouldn’t mind a sample.

  Gross.

  Andrea was still eyeing Mike but he was watching me as I walked to the table. Obviously he wanted me, he’d made no secret of it, but my love for Ryan had always held me back from anything. Even if he’d been Adonis with a personality to die for, I wouldn’t notice. Truthfully, he was a great guy and extremely easy to work with, but his tactics didn’t move me in the slightest.

  I stood over the photos, Mike and Andrea behind me, examining with a critical eye. The pictures were full color; the man had a tanned, muscled body and gorgeous face, in various poses with a scantily clothed glamour girl draped all over him.

  “These shots are very good, Mike,” Andrea gushed. My brow furrowed. They were sort of overkill. I wanted something more subtle, and could have sworn we’d talked about it during casting, but now I was stuck with this. Shit!

  “Julia, what do you think?” he breathed in my ear. I prickled and moved away, seeking the barrier of my desk, and taking the photos with me.

  “Um…well,” I bit my lip. “It’s not really what I wanted. The guy looks good, but the girl is sort of whorish. I didn’t approve that God awful red lipstick. I wanted hot real people, not a hot guy with a…well, a hooker. Ehh,” I wrinkled my nose in distaste.

  He winced. “Sorry, Mike. It’s my job. I gotta be honest. After all, it’s my ass that’s on the line for the final look.”

  “And what a nice ass it is,” he stated, leaning back to check it out. I plopped down in my chair.

  “Ugh, really? Did you just say that to me? You know sexual harassment is a serious offense, right?”

  “Puh-lease,” Mike sat down across from me, an expression of boredom on his attractive features. “You know you love me, Julia,” he mocked.

  “Yeah, but not like that, and you know it,” I teased.

  Andrea was leaning against the art table and didn’t look happy. “Julia’s got a boyfriend, you know,” she shot out and my head popped up to look at her as my eyes widened.

  “Andrea.”

  “What? You do! Is it a secret?” she asked, her expression completely changing when I raised my eyebrows and shot her a look that told her to zip it.

  “Um…” I didn’t know what to say because I’d never referred to Ryan as my boyfriend. It seemed so parochial and sure as hell didn’t do him justice. A hot flush rushed over my face. “Uh…let’s just get back to work. I need to get this done so that I can catch Meredith before she leaves for lunch.”

  “Touchy subject, eh? Well, I’m not giving up, sweetheart,” Mike said, rubbing his chin and looking unflinchingly into my face.

  “You might change your mind if you saw her…uh, boyfriend.” Andrea’s eyes lit up with a sparkle as she said the words. “He’s way hotter than this dude here,” she said, nodding at the boards and wrinkling her nose as she looked at it.

  “Andrea! Enough. Work, remember?” I asked sternly, adamant that we focus, but doing my best not to smile. It was damn hard, too.

  “Well, we’re screwed because the female model is out of the country for some fashion show in Brazil, so what will we do? We only have a day or two until this goes to press,” Mike stated matter-of-factly. “Right?”

  “Hmmm…Andrea, is the guy available? If so, get to work on finding a new girl ASAP. We’ll have to redo the shoot late this afternoon or this evening if we can.”

  Mike groaned. “Shit, Julia. Don’t you have a life?”

  I’m about to, I hope.

  “Well, why didn’t you call me when you saw the model? Surely you knew this wasn’t what we discussed and it would have been a hell of a lot easier to send her back to wardrobe and make-up than to shoot it and deal with this mess,” I admonished. “If we can’t redo the shoot, then we’ll have to Photoshop the shit out of one of these, I suppose.”

  I took two of the boards, one in each hand and contemplated which would have the most potential. I was leaning toward one where the woman was standing behind the guy and he was the main focus of the shot. “Either way, this is another budget problem. I’m tired of this type of crap.”

  We finished brainstorming about how to change the photo and then I shooed them both out of my office. It would be possible to change her lipstick color, soften her harsh hair style and maybe even make the bed shrug she was wearing longer to look more like a robe.

  “Don’t forget, you’ve got to spill. Later girl,” Andrea reminded me as she walked out.

  I glanced up and smiled. “Okay, maybe lunch?”

  Her face lit up. “Yeah, great!”

  After she left, Mike lingered in the doorway. “You could always do it, you know.”

  “What?”

  “You’re a beautiful woman, Julia. I’d love to photograph you half dressed.”

  “Goodbye, Mike.”

  “I’m just saying…you’re bitching about the budget, so think about it.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “I’m no model.” I smiled and shook my head, hoping he’d drop it.

  “You could be.”

  “Hmmph,” I scoffed. “I’m way too short. I’m only five six.”

  “So
get some Jimmy Choos, then. That shit is hot. So are you, Julia.”

  I laughed out loud, the thought so ridiculous. He was funny even though he was shameless in his pursuit of me. Since I started at Glamour, we’d bantered and goofed around. While he was serious in his flirting, he was great to work with and a generally nice guy. He chased and I blew him off. End of story.

  “Stop, for God’s sake. Get out of here. I want to get some work done.” I shoved him out the door and closed it loudly. My eyes rolled as I glanced at the clock and noticed it was 9:30. I had an email from Meredith in response to the one I sent earlier.

  Sure, honey. Pop in around 11.

  My stomach dropped. I really loved my job and the people I worked with and I’d be a little sad to be leaving. But life is a series of choices and no matter what decisions came up throughout my life, if Ryan was one of the options, he would always win out.

  At the magazine less than a year, I was nervous about this conversation with my boss, but hoped she could understand my predicament. She was aware of Ryan from the photo on my desk and the drawings in my portfolio. I’d told her that he was my best friend when she’d asked who he was. I suspected she knew I was in love with him by her response.

  “He is drop-dead gorgeous Julia, and your drawings are just insane. Are you sure he’s only your friend?”

  I’d bitten my lip and nodded.

  “Well, what a waste! I don’t know how you can resist. Mmm, mmmm, mmm.” She’d smiled big as I put the drawings away and blushed. “Girl, if I were you, I’d get on that immediately.”

  I pulled out my phone. When Ryan answered, his voice was low and breathy. “There’s my gorgeous girl!”

  “Hi! I miss you.”

  He sighed on the other end of the phone. “Oh, honey, I’m pretty sure I miss you more. Did Ellie give you the third degree? Aaron bounced me the minute he walked through the door,” he said and I could literally hear the smile in his voice and knew his blue eyes would be sparkling.

  “What do you think? Of course! Probably not as bad as Aaron’s interrogation, though.” I laughed. “Did they have a good Thanksgiving?”