The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy)

by Kahlen Aymes

  Ryan’s breath hitched. “Mmmm…Nothing will ever feel as perfect as making love with you.”

  I brushed his hair back and then kissed him as I started to rock my hips into his. The water sloshed out of the tub in the dark bathroom, the sound becoming a regular rhythm with our moans and soft pants. Each and every kiss was deeper and more reverent than the last as the movements of our bodies became more urgent. He moved deeply inside me, his hands guiding my hips in slow, deep strokes…the minutes ticked by, the sensations building in both of us. My nipples rubbed against the soft hair of his chest, adding to my arousal. I felt the tightening begin again. Ryan knew my body so well, he whispered against the swell of my breast…“That’s right baby, let it go. I want you to come again, Julia.”

  Hearing those words tumbling from his lips, his voice so velvet and filled with passion, sent me over the edge. I clawed at his shoulders as I spasmed around him, my body sucking on his until he lost himself in his own release. “Unnnnn…Julia…you feel so good.”

  I was wound around him and his arms slid around my waist and back to pull me tight against him. We were both kissing each other’s shoulders and faces. I tugged him back so that I could kiss his mouth once more, licking at his lips. “I never want you to stop making love to me, Ryan. I never want to be away from you.”

  “Oh, honey,” he sighed and kissed the side of my cheekbone.

  The water was getting cold which told me we’d been making love for quite a while. Time didn’t seem to exist. Ryan felt me shiver and lifted me with him out of the bath. He grabbed a couple of towels with his free hand and proceeded with me in his arms, into the bedroom. There was an electric fireplace and he flipped it on as he made his way to the bed, then pulled the covers back and placed me underneath. I watched him move and he wrapped a towel around his waist and then got the remote to the TV and turned it on.

  “Do you want to watch TV or would you rather have music?”

  “Whatever you want.”

  “Julia, you have to stop saying that. I’ll be ravishing you all night if I have my way.”

  “Well…that works for me.” I smiled as I watched a grin split his face. The fire was casting a reddish glow across his striking features and turned his hair to copper. “You’re gorgeous. You take my breath away.”

  His brow dropped over his eyes and he shook his head. “Julia.”

  “Go ahead and scoff at me. You are. So shut up and take a compliment, Matthews.” He completely ignored me. Is he that oblivious to how beautiful he is?

  “I vote for music. Is that okay with you?”

  “Anything you want,” I said again and his mouth quirked softly at the implied meaning behind the words.

  He selected a soft rock station on the Music-On-Demand channel and then crawled under the covers next to me. I threw off the towel on my head and settled into his body as he pulled me close. His chest rising and falling beneath my cheek was comforting and I closed my eyes. Words were unnecessary.

  We let the firelight and the music envelop us, both of us reaching out to the other with soft feather touches. I let myself concentrate on the music, as several songs played. Ryan had chosen well. I loved acoustic guitar and the soft strains of a jazzy Latin rhythm began to fill the room in low tones, and I let myself dissolve into the words. It was sexy and sultry, but the lyrics were perfect for us. It spoke of longing and overcoming obstacles and a determination to be with the one you love…no matter what had to be overcome, certain love could last forever. It was beautifully poignant and heart wrenching; it branded us.

  His arms tightened around me, letting me know that he was listening to the words as much as I was. I felt my eyes begin to burn and my throat tighten. I closed my eyes and held onto the man in my arms.

  The tears slid softly from my eyes and fell onto Ryan’s chest. “Julia, we will be together. I’d give anything if you could be with me all of the time, now…but it will happen, eventually.”

  The last strains of the song faded out. “I know. I just miss you more than I ever thought I would,” I said, trying to keep the throb out of my voice.

  I felt his lips in my hair. “I miss you, too. You’re all I think about.”

  I turned into him and slid a leg between his as we continued to lie there together, the warmth of his body seeping into mine. He touched me softly, soothingly, until my eyes grew tired and I felt myself drifting into sleep, the words of the song still haunting me. “It won’t be enough, Ryan,” I said sleepily.

  “No. Forever isn’t long enough,” he answered and pulled me up to kiss me softly on the mouth and run a finger down my cheek and over my lower lip. “You know I’m going to marry you, right? I’m not fucking around. You’re it for me, Julia.”

  More tears slipped from my eyes as his fingers brushed them away. I nodded. “Yes,” I gave him the answer he needed.

  “Go to sleep, my love,” he said as he pulled me gently across his chest and I wrapped an arm over his waist. “I’m not letting go of you until I absolutely have no choice.”

  Where had all the time gone? We dropped Paul off at LaGuardia and Aaron left earlier to go back to Boston. He was great, helping us move Julia in, but also understood my need to be alone with her. She was sitting in the center of the backseat of the cab, her head on my shoulder, neither one of us speaking. Yes, she was closer now, but still…we wouldn’t be together. Not the way we both wanted. I turned my face toward her and kissed her forehead, breathing in her sweet scent. I closed my eyes. These past ten days had been heaven and now leaving would be hell.

  Her arms tightened around mine and she sighed loudly. My heart was heavy and she was very upset, despite her attempt to hide it. I tightened my grip. My arm rested across her lap and my hand closed around the knee furthest away from me.

  “Thank you,” she said softly. “For this time…”

  “Oh, babe…there is nothing I love more than being with you, Julia,” I murmured. I tried to put a smile on my face as I nudged her shoulder. “Do you want to go out tonight? I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”

  She shook her head. “Uh uh. Moving wore me out. Aren’t you tired? You worked so hard.” She nudged me back and looked up into my face, smiling, but it didn’t reach her eyes. The sadness in the emerald orbs made my heart break. My thumb brushed the edge of her jaw as I bent to kiss her mouth. Her lips clung hungrily to mine and I never wanted to let her go.

  “Yeah. I’m tired,” I said, my lips dragging up to place a soft kiss on her cheekbone. The cab stopped at her new apartment. A one-bedroom walk-up that Jen, Aaron and I had found while Julia was still in Los Angeles. It was small, but so expensive that it was all she could afford, even with my help.

  I passed the driver a twenty as Julia waited on the sidewalk. “Come here, baby.” I took her hand, pulled it over my shoulder and bent to lift her leg and hitch her up onto my back. She didn’t argue and curled around my body, her arms and legs wrapping tightly around me. I put my hands under her bottom and carried her piggy-back into the building and up the stairs. She bent toward me, placing an open-mouthed kiss on my neck. Her mouth was hot and wet. I felt my heart and body tighten.

  “I love you, Ryan,” she whispered in my ear. I wanted to be happy for her…her new job was an amazing opportunity and it did get her on the right side of the country, but our time together was so wonderful, I hated to see it end. I wanted her with me constantly.

  I climbed up the stairs and at the top Julia dug the keys out of her pocket. I turned her so that she could unlock the door while she was still on my back.

  “You can put me down, honey.”

  “Nope.”

  Julia laughed softly. “What?”

  “I said no. I didn’t stutter, did I?” I teased. I pushed through the door and it closed behind us.

  “Hmmph,” she snorted. “What’s this about, Matthews?” She threw her coat off and it landed on the floor beside the door and reached up and took the baseball hat off of my head, tossing it on top of
her coat.

  “I just don’t want to let go of you tonight. So sue me.” I grinned as I sat on the couch, pinning her behind me. She pulled my coat down off of my shoulders and I took it out of her hands and threw it aside. I pulled both of her feet together in front of me and started untying her shoes, pushing them off and letting them drop with loud thumps to the floor. I leaned back into her and she squealed while I used each foot to push my own shoes off.

  “Hey, you’re smashing me,” Julia complained with a laugh, and poked me in the ribs. I loved being with her, doing nothing more than this.

  “You poor thing,” I retorted sarcastically as I started to rub her feet. She relaxed behind me but I tensed when her little hands burrowed beneath my shirt to rake her nails softly down my back. I shuddered under her touch, the tingles running down my spine. “That feels good, babe.”

  “Yes it does.” Her arms wrapped around my waist and she rested her head on my back. I pulled one of her hands up and held it between both of mine. The bracelet, sparkling on her wrist, glistened in the low light. “The time with you goes by so fast,” she whispered achingly.

  I paused for a few seconds, trying to shake off the sadness welling up inside my chest. I kissed the top of her hand, then turned and pulled her around me. I lay down on the couch and pulled her small form to lie on top of me; both of us wrapped our arms tightly around each other.

  “Hey, none of that. You’re starting a new job and there’s so much to look forward to. You’ll make a bunch of new friends, and you have this amazingly expensive and tiny apartment!” I teased. “It’s like a cracker box. There isn’t even enough room to put up any of those pictures you’ve drawn of me.”

  She chuckled. “Yeah. I’ll manage. At least I’m not sharing it with Aaron and Jen.”

  “Sure, add insult to injury, why don’t you?” My hands were running up and down her back. I loved the way she fit into my body. Trying to be lighthearted, my heart was aching at the prospect of leaving her.

  “Mmm…I had a wonderful few days with you. The time in Colorado was so precious, Ryan.”

  I drew in a deep breath, trying to expel the tightness in my chest. “It was perfect. Every minute.” Julia nodded beneath my chin and my fingers brushed against her velvet cheek. “I love you, Julia,” the words fell from my lips like a prayer and I closed my eyes tightly.

  “So…coffee date tomorrow before you leave?” she murmured, her voice trembling with emotion.

  “What do you think? It’s Sunday, isn’t it?” We hadn’t missed a Sunday coffee date since we met and I didn’t plan on starting now. “It’s always been my favorite part of the week even if it was only on the phone. I won’t pass up a chance for one in person.”

  “Yeah. I love our coffee dates, talking to you, hearing what’s going on…what I’m missing from your life,” she turned into my neck and kissed the point where my pulse was throbbing uncontrollably. My heart hurt. She was still my best friend. My lover. My life.

  “I love talking to you, too. Remember?” I lowered my voice, trying to keep it even.

  “That’s right,” she sniffed and laughed through her tears. “You don’t care if you touch me as long as you can talk to me, yes?”

  “Uh…” I said, rolling her onto her back. I took hold of her hip and shifted her beneath me. She opened her legs so I could settle down on top of her. “Maybe I spoke too soon.” I smiled as I brushed her hair off her face. Her eyes were serious as she looked up at me and our hips moved together. “God, Julia. Mmm…much, much, too soon.”

  ~10~

  Today was Valentine’s Day. It gave me an excuse to send something to Ryan. Not that I needed one, but hopefully, this would be the last year we’d be apart.

  I smirked to myself. The sheer red chemise and g-string that I sent him along with a note asking he bring it to New York left nothing to the imagination, adding just the right amount of temptation. I’d been naughty and flushed at the thought of Ryan opening my gift. Besides wearing it so it would smell like me, I’d sent it to him at the hospital instead of his apartment. He’d be working and I couldn’t wait until he received it the next day. My heart raced with excitement. Three dozen red and white roses sat on the sideboard in my office; but it was the card that melted me.

  ~J

  You are the love of my life…of my forever.

  Words can’t express what you mean to me, but I’ll tell you a hundred times a day for the rest of my life. I love you.

  ~R

  Ryan would graduate Harvard Med in June and then start his surgery and ER residency at St. Vincent’s in Lower Manhattan. It was quite a jaunt from my apartment, and we discussed moving to Greenwich Village or somewhere in the middle. I argued it was more important to be near the hospital since he’d be on call at all hours of the day and night.

  Ryan’s academic advisor and clinical professor, Dr. Brighton, sent an excellent recommendation to the Chief of Staff after Ryan applied for his primary residency. Graduating at the top of his class assured he’d be accepted anywhere, but I was thankful he was willing to relocate to New York City. Pride threatened to split me apart.

  I’d been promoted several times, and kept in touch with many of my friends from Los Angeles. Andrea was now my creative assistant, having moved to New York when I was promoted to Creative Editor ten months ago. I worked hard these past three years, in part because I loved the work, and in part to keep my mind off of missing Ryan. Soon, missing him would be a thing of the past and the constant ache would go away. I sighed. Finally.

  Ryan had clinical all week but said he’d be able to take the train down on the weekend. I planned to surprise him with a concert at Madison Square Garden and then a late supper at my favorite Thai restaurant uptown. I smiled to myself; and black forest back at my apartment. I’d planned to go shopping tonight and make the cake when I got home so it would be ready tomorrow, then I could meet his train and take him directly to the concert. I was buzzing with excitement and anticipation.

  My heart raced. Something told me Ryan was going to give me an engagement ring on Friday night. We’d talked about getting married many times, ever since our ski trip to Colorado before I first moved to New York. Three years later, we were still together and we still loved each other just as desperately. Nothing would make me happier than being married to him, to wake up in his arms everyday and someday, have his children.

  I coughed and reached for a tissue; stupid damn sinus infection. I’d been sick all week, missing two days of work. I’d been curled up in bed, coughing my fool head off, when Ryan had insisted I go to the doctor.

  “Damn it, Julia. It won’t get better until you get on antibiotics. Why are you so stubborn?” he’d admonished impatiently. “I don’t want you to suffer and I’d rather have you well when I come to New York. Get to the clinic, at least.” It was an ongoing joke between us that he was my family doctor, so why would I waste time with finding another?

  The years apart were difficult. We hadn’t seen each other as much as we wanted, and less in the past two years once his clinical started. He was working at Mass General which had the best and busiest trauma department in the city. We were lucky to see each other every five or six weeks. The only thing that kept me sane was our coffee Sundays. They had to be rescheduled sometimes due to work, but it was still our time to talk. After all this time, I still missed him so much that sometimes it became a physical ache.

  I ran my hand through my hair and picked up the story on spring fashion for the March issue. I was working on the look of the article and Andrea had just left with the wardrobe order and the list of talent I wanted hired. I was trying to work it in with a shoot for another article to save budget. I was paid bonus on margin, so the more money I saved, the more I earned. I was getting damn good at it, too. Ellie kept me in designer suits and shoes so I looked the part for my job. I was well established and my future with the company was secure.

  I picked up the phone and dialed layout. “Hi, Grace. It’s Julia Abb
ott. Our creative department will leave a thirty-seven inch copy jump on page 142. What else is going on that page? Do you have enough editorial for it, or do I need to order creative fill? Yes, the deadline is in 8 days, so please let me know by Monday, close of business.”

  A shadow fell across the desk and startled me. Meredith McCormick, my first boss from Glamour, walked though my door, a big smile on her face. I gasped in surprise. She looked as professional and chic as I remembered, the years not aging her at all. We had a big Christmas party each year when she and the other executives would fly in, but this time of year, a visit was unusual.

  “Uh, okay. I’ll tell Andrea to get on the feature story for April. Yes. Thank you.” I put down the phone and ran around my desk to hug her. “What are you doing here? Why didn’t you let me know?” I asked incredulously. “I’m so happy to see you! Can I get you some coffee?”

  “Sure. You look fantastic, Julia. Quite the fashion maven,” Meredith said as she sank into one of the navy blue leather chairs across from my large cherry wood desk. Her eyes roamed over my Prada suit and I rolled my eyes.

  “My best friend, Ellie hooks me up. She’s a stylist in Los Angeles and gets deals from all of the big designers.” I smiled wide and sat in my chair. “She tells me I can’t be Creative Director for a major mag and look like Ugly Betty.”

  “Ugh! Hardly, Julia. You were always gorg.” Meredith leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs.

  I picked up my phone and dialed my secretary. “Susan, can you bring in two cups of coffee. The usual for me and one black,” I looked to verify with Meredith and she nodded. “Thanks.” I hung up the phone. “So?” I raised my eyebrows in question.

  “Ah, Julia, you never did beat around the bush,” she sighed. “Have you heard about plans to send a few chosen ones to Paris to work on the European editions of Vogue?”

  “Sure.”

  “But…you didn’t put in for it?”