by Apollo Surge
Will pressed his lips together and breathed in deeply. Charlie could tell that he was getting agitated.
“I feel like I’m losing myself. I’m not saying you’re doing anything to cause it, it’s just the circumstances we find ourselves in. This is why being exiled was such a big deal. The longer I stay here without interaction with other wolves, the more danger I’m in of losing the ability to shift. I never shared my father’s devotion to continuing the bloodline at all cost, but I never wanted it to end like this. That’s why I need to go and fight Brandon. I need to right this wrong so that I can feel at peace with myself. If I lose that part of me I won’t be the man you fell in love with, and I won’t be able to be the father I need to be. I love you,” he said, putting his hand on Charlie’s cheek, “but I’m not sure I can deny this part of me any longer.”
Without saying another word, Will stepped away from Charlie and passed into the shadows, shifting as he did so. A man walked into the darkness, but a wolf sprinted out. The warmth of his touch lingered on Charlie’s cheek, but Charlie was sad and confused.
Chapter Ten
The city air was alive with the scents of thousands of people all moving through the streets. Will felt the stirring of his primal energy in his limbs, the freedom of unleashing his animal soul, and his heart blazed with glory. In among them all was Charlie’s scent, the man he had left behind. Despite Will enjoying the freedom of being alone, there were pangs of guilt in his heart for leaving Charlie standing there. Sometimes it seemed as though there was no place in Will’s world for Charlie.
Had this all been a mistake? Had he been foolish in thinking that a wolf and a human could actually have a life together?
A growl murmured in his throat as he snuck through the alleys of the city, staying away from the people in the streets and bars, living their own lives, not plagued by this turmoil. It seemed so unfair that he was given these great abilities but could not enjoy them fully. Had the wolves been cursed at their inception? Had they been fated to never be able to enjoy fulfilling lives, their souls always straddling two worlds?
Will could not summon answers to these questions, and not just because he was in the form of a wolf. What he needed was to ask his parents about this. They were supposed to dispense wisdom, but his father was dead and his mother was being held captive under the new leadership of Brandon. And Will was doing nothing about it…
He ran between buildings, ignoring the puddles of vomit and scattered trash in the gutters and alleys, and made his way to the park, where he hid in the bushes, for it was the only place in the city that reminded him of home. The concrete and brick buildings with their glass windows and buzzing electric lights were replaced with the quiet calmness of the park. Smooth grass stretched out to a flat, shimmering lake, and Will was filled with nostalgia.
This was the place in which he had first revealed himself to Charlie, and where they had first made love. The intimacy he shared with Charlie was powerful, and it seemed so unfair that it came at a cost. Why did he have to sacrifice this side of him to be happy?
He pressed his front paws into the soft soil and whimpered as he lay down, curling his tail behind him, resting his head on his paws. As he breathed in he smelled the earthy scent of the ground and it took him back to a time long ago, when he was father was teaching him to be a wolf.
Thomas had always been a stern man, rarely showing affection. Will had wanted to earn his approval so badly that he would have done anything to make that man happy, and lapped up every piece of wisdom that Thomas offered. In those young days when Will was but a pup he took everything his father told him as objective truth. One of the first things Thomas had tried to teach him was about family. It had been ingrained into Will’s mind almost as soon as he was born.
“The most important thing in a wolf’s life is to continue the legacy. Your ancestors reached a lofty goal, garnered respect, and through good breeding it’s important that you do the same. There is nothing more important than maintaining the bloodline. Your duty is the same as mine, the same as every man that has gone before me, to have a child yourself and keep the wheels turning. One day you will stand here just as I am standing here, and you will be telling your son the same thing I am telling you now. Your first duty is to your legacy, the second is to your clan. It is one thing to inherit the role of leader, but quite another to prove yourself worthy. If you are challenged you must rise to that challenge and defeat whoever dares to say you are not worthy.
Everything in this life is about balance, my son. You have a right to rule because of the strength of your ancestors, but that is not enough to make yourself a leader. You must also prove yourself to the rest of the clan, and keep their faith so that you can pass down the mantle to your child. You are a link in the chain, a chain that has stretched back for a long time, and one that will hopefully stretch far into the future.”
Will remembered feeling pressured by the expectation upon him. At that age he was determined to live by his father’s words, but as time went by he felt neglected by his father and the need to win his approval dwindled, until it had disappeared entirely. Then, Will had begun to actively rebel against the wishes of his father.
But now Thomas was gone, and Will found himself regretting being so adversarial. He only had one father in life, and although Thomas wasn’t perfect, Will wanted to do right by him. But Charlie and their unborn child were his family now, and protecting them meant ignoring his duty to his ancestors and the clan. Brandon may have proven himself stronger than Thomas, but he wasn’t a better leader, and when Will thought about the future he didn’t just think about himself, but his child as well.
Being a good father meant teaching his child about their past, and ensuring they were prepared to meet the challenges of the future, but what about being a good son?
Will rose and stretched his neck, then he stalked through the park, gradually gaining speed as he moved into a sprint. All he wanted to do was run, not that he knew where he was running to. There were only two places that mattered to him anymore; home and Charlie, but for the time being he didn’t feel as though he could return to either of them.
The night beckoned. The comforting embrace of darkness welcomed him, and for the time being at least Will could feel at peace with the world around him. However, he was still tormented by the rage and anguish that festered inside him. The wolf side of him tugged at his soul, trying to coax him into letting go of everything that hurt and embracing the wilder side of himself. It would have been so easy to slip into that mindset, to relinquish control to the wolf and let all of these troubles go away. The longer he spent time as a wolf the easier it was to let go, to put his thoughts at the back of his mind and let his instinct rule…
He snapped his mind back, and shook his head. He forced himself to keep hold of what made him special, what made him human. He wasn’t ready to lose himself, not when it meant giving up Charlie and their child. He had a family to think about now, and losing the balance of his soul was even more terrifying than it had been before.
Although Will wanted to remain as a wolf for the rest of the night he realized that it was only tempting fate, so as he prowled through the park he shifted back into a man. His hairy limbs turned back into legs and arms, and he rose onto his hind legs. He passed a tree as a wolf, but by the time he emerged on the other side he was a man again, a man who had a place to be.
He left the park and made his way back to his apartment where he hoped Charlie was waiting for him, but when he arrived he found the place empty and alone. He walked through the shadows of his apartment, not bothering to turn on the light, and sat down on the couch. He leaned forward and placed his head in his hands, hoping that Charlie would return soon so that Will could tell him everything that was on his mind, and in his heart. He wanted to be better than his father, wanted to promise Charlie that he would always be there for him and their child. He regretted leaving the night out so abruptly, and he hoped that Charlie wasn’t too mad.
&nb
sp; There he stayed, and he waited for Charlie to come home.
Chapter Eleven
Charlie was dumbfounded as Will left him. He walked back into the bar, feeling numb. Lisa was looking sorry for herself, and Enrique and Monica looked confused, wondering what had gone wrong.
“What happened to Will?” Enrique asked.
“I think he’s just going through a tough time given what happened to his Dad. I think he just wanted to be alone. He wanted me to apologize for you, and wanted to make sure you knew that it wasn’t anything you said or did. He’s just…he’s a complicated man sometimes and he has intense feelings. I just wish I knew how to help him,” Charlie said, sinking into a chair.
“Just being there is help enough,” Monica said. “I’m sure you two will be fine. It seems like you have a lot of exciting things coming up, but I have to ask you, are you really sure you want to adopt? I mean, I know you said the process takes a while, but you have only just met. You’ve got your whole lives ahead of you to do these things.”
“I know it seems like it’s a big step, but I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’ve wanted for the past few years and the one big thing for me is a child. The guys I’ve met haven’t been in the right place for that, but as soon as I met Will I just knew. We talked about it and we both agreed that it was something we wanted. It seemed right for us I guess,” Charlie said.
“Well, if you ever need any help let us know,” Enrique said. Charlie offered him a grateful smile, but rested his head in his hands. He gazed out of the window, wishing that he had the tracking skills of Will so that he could find him. There was so much they still had to talk about, and the longer this tension lingered the more it affected Charlie. This struggle that Will was going through seemed to be taking him away from Charlie, and Charlie was so worried that he would end up as a single father.
He didn’t want to think badly about Will, but sometimes children reflected the worst qualities of their parents as well as the best ones, and this gave Charlie doubts. Will had resisted the notion of family legacy most of his life, was it possible that he could actually walk away from his new family?
All of a sudden Charlie was worried that they had rushed into this far too quickly, that he had been blinded by the blistering intensity of their romance and hadn’t taken the proper precautions. Lisa always made him aware of the difficulty of being a single parent, and whenever he thought of the future it was always with a partner, not by himself. He didn’t think he could handle things by himself, not when the baby he was carrying had wolf’s blood. How could Charlie teach him the things he needed to know?
Will had promised him they would talk about these things later on, but Charlie knew he was going to have to press the issue if anything was going to be decided. Will was still struggling with the death of his father, but they were both struggling with this uncertainty. Charlie had to get him talking about his intentions and had to make clear his own feelings on the matter, for his sake as well as the baby’s. Being stressed wasn’t going to help him any.
He looked up at his friends and lamented the fact that he couldn’t tell them the truth. He hated lying to Enrique and Monica. Perhaps one day he would be able to tell them, but more likely they would live their lives believing that Charlie and Will had adopted their child.
It felt as though his life was caught in a web, and while he wouldn’t have changed anything about it, for if he had not met Will he wouldn’t have fallen pregnant, he wished that some things were more straightforward. Lisa may not have had her honeymoon, but at least people knew she was the mother of Tara, and despite her dismay at her current situation Charlie knew that she would be able to pull through and have the life she wanted.
He wasn’t sure the same could be said for himself.
Even though he couldn’t track Will, Charlie knew that Will would return home eventually and Charlie wanted to be there when he came back.
“I’m getting pretty tired, guys, and I think I’m going to head home to check on Will. I know he’d probably say he wants to spend some time alone, but I think it’s better that I’m around, just so he knows he’s not alone.”
Monica and Enrique looked at him with understanding. The couple had been together for a while, and understood what Charlie was talking about. Lisa knew as well, although she had a faraway look in her eyes. Charlie put a hand on her shoulder and she looked up. The sadness in her gaze was impossible to ignore. This was supposed to have been her night of freedom, a way for her to relive a youth that seemed so long ago, but she was burdened by her worries and shackled to her child. Was that the future that awaited Charlie as well?
He made his farewell to the three of them, wishing that he could stay for Lisa’s sake, but it comforted him to know that she was safe in the hands of Monica and Enrique. He’d promised Lisa that he would always be there for her, but he found that now he had a partner he was unable to devote as much time to Lisa.
Perhaps, he suddenly realized, that was part of the reason for her sink into depression. When the two of them had been single it had been easy for them to bemoan the state of their lives, and for them to form a mutual bond. Without a romantic entanglement the closeness the two of them felt was a replacement for sexual intimacy, but now Charlie had Will he didn’t need that from Lisa anymore. He made a note to make more of an effort to spend time with her in the coming months.
But right now, he needed to be with Will.
However, as he turned around he saw Ian standing there. The man had a gaunt, haunted look in his eyes as though he hadn’t slept since the last time Charlie had seen him. There was a cold fury there too. Charlie’s heart sank. He’d hated having to disappoint Ian after going on a number of dates with him. If Will hadn’t come along it was almost certain that Charlie would have been with Ian right now.
“Ian…” Charlie said.
“Where is he?” Ian growled. His voice was hollow, and bitterness fell from every word.
“Who?”
“You know who. I want to see him. I want to look him in the eyes and ask him what gave him the right to steal you from me.”
“Ian, he didn’t steal me from you. I’m sorry things didn’t work out, but that’s just the way it goes. I love Will. I’m sure that you’ll find someone who’ll love you too.”
“I already did. You have no idea how much you meant to me Charlie, how much you still do. You have no idea how long I’ve searched for someone like you, and then I find you, and he has to ruin it. It all happened on that very first night. I don’t know how he did it, but he managed to get into your head. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you. He twisted your mind somehow. All I want is to talk to him, to challenge him. I’ve decided that I’m not giving up on you Charlie. I need to fight for you, because if a man can’t fight for love then what good is he?”
When Charlie had first met Ian he had been swept away by Ian’s charm and easy confidence. None of that was apparent now. The man was a shadow of his former self, and the only thing Charlie had in his heart was pity, and regret for the part he had played in turning Ian into this shell.
“Ian,” Charlie said softly, “don’t do this to yourself. You may think you love me, but you don’t really. You love the idea of me, the future you envisioned for us together, but that was just an illusion. I’m truly sorry that things didn’t work out for us, but this isn’t the way to go about life. You can’t accost me and challenge my partner to a duel. That wouldn’t change anything, even if you did win. All you’re doing now is poisoning yourself with these thoughts, and it’s not going to get you anywhere. Let go Ian. There’s someone else for you out there. All you have to do is look and open yourself up to the possibilities.”
“That’s what I did for you Charlie, and look how you repaid me. You used me, made a fool of me, and I’m still willing to forgive you. You know what it’s like out there, the endless dates, the queue of desperate men trying to cling onto some shred of intimacy. I don’t want to go back to that. I can’t…I just w
ant to be with someone again. I want to be with you. Please, just give me another chance. I know you’re with Will now,” his face turned into a scowl and he practically spat Will’s name, “but we can be good together. Please, just one more date. I’ll give you anything you want, all the love I have, and my heart Charlie. You can have my heart.”
If the display hadn’t been so desperate and pathetic it may have been touching. Whatever lingering affection Charlie had for the man now completely dissipated, and would never return.
“I can’t give you what you want, Ian. I don’t think anyone can. You say you’re ready for love, but I think you need to look deep inside yourself and think about what you really do want. You can make all these grand gestures, but there are still a lot of things you don’t know about me. You’re lonely, I get that, we all are at some points in our lives, but that doesn’t mean you have to be obsessed with the first person you come across you shows kindness to you, and coming here over and over again to try and run into me? That’s not cool Ian, and it’s not going to look favorably on anyone you do decide to date. None of us knows what’s going to happen in the future, or who we’ll end up with, we just have to make sure we’re the best versions of ourselves so that when we do meet that person we’re ready. Right now, this is not the best version of yourself.
I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I didn’t make things clearer when we were together, and if I gave you the wrong idea or any misconceptions about the way things were between us I apologize for that as well, but you have to take responsibility for your own actions. I’m not making you live in this sadness and bitterness, that’s on you, and there’s nothing I can do to help you with that. And no, I’m not going to tell Will that you want to challenge him. We don’t want any part of that in our lives. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to see my partner.”