“Don’t fucking remind me.” He scowls. “But yes, that’s why I went for him. The thought of any guy putting his hands on you infuriates me.”
“You’re a damn hypocrite!” I roar. “The notches on my bedpost fail miserably in comparison to yours, and I’ve had to watch media reports of your conquests for years! You even flaunted that fucking whore in front of me at the after-party, and I didn’t go after her in the way you went after Gus.”
He doesn’t need to know I thought about it.
“I’m sorry, Zeta. Attacking Gus was completely out of line. But I’m not going to apologize for wanting to keep you safe.”
“It’s a huge invasion of my privacy!” I fling my arms into the air, completely conflicted. One part of me loves that he’s just proven his words. That I know, categorically, how much he’s cared for me during the period of our separation. That he’s gone to so much trouble and expense to keep me protected speaks volumes. But there’s another part of me that sees this as borderline stalking, and I’m not comfortable with it.
“I don’t see it like that. I just wanted to know you were okay, and it helped me feel closer to you. I liked knowing about your life.”
“This is so fucked up.” I sigh, scrunching my hands in my hair again. “Please tell me this is it. That there are no more secrets you’re hiding from me.”
He shuffles nervously on his feet, and ice replaces the blood flowing through my veins. “What else, Ryder? What else don’t I know?” I wrap my arms around my torso, instinctively protecting myself.
“I paid off your mortgage. The monthly payment you deposit goes into a savings account. And I’m an investor in your aunt’s business.”
My jaw drops to the floor. Before I can respond, he adds, “Oh, and I paid off Louise’s debts last month, bought you a new car, which I was going to give to you as a surprise, and I, ah, put ownership of RockOut into your name.”
“You did what?” I shriek.
“What the hell do I want with a magazine?” He shrugs, like it’s no biggie. “You’re the writer, not me. And I was going to tell you all this when the time was right.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Please tell me you had nothing to do with me getting my job at RockOut, because, I swear to God, if you’ve manipulated my career, I’m out of here.”
He vehemently shakes his head. “I had absolutely nothing to do with that. You won that job on your own merits. I would never interfere like that. I just tried to ease the burden on you, that’s all.”
I flop down on the sand, propping my chin on my bent knees, staring out at the water, utterly flabbergasted. He sits down beside me, staring at my face as I look straight ahead.
“Say something,” he pleads.
“I don’t know what to say,” I truthfully reply, turning my head toward him. “My brain is overloaded with all this stuff, and I don’t think I can take much more.”
“All I’ve ever wanted to do is to make you happy, yet I’ve ended up doing the opposite. I know it’s a shitty way of saying I love you, but I do love you.”
Sighing, I link my pinky in his. “I know you do,” I softly say, “and I love you too. I’m not going to deny that, but I just don’t know if it’s enough, and I can’t make sense of the mess in my head.” An idea floats in my mind and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. “I’m going to visit Jill for a while. I think we could both use a little distance right now.”
“Don’t leave. Please.” Agony repaints his features, and I hate that I’ve put it there, but I won’t lie to him.
“I need to. I need headspace if I’m to figure out what this all means.”
I stand, and he climbs to his feet, his eyes wild and frantic as he cups my face. “Don’t leave me, Zeta. Please don’t leave me.”
The vulnerability is back, and it’s hard to deny him anything, but one of us needs to be strong. I kiss him briefly on the lips, pulling back before he can return it. “I’m coming back. Okay?” I thread my fingers through his hair. “I just need time alone, but I will come back.” I wouldn’t lie to his face, and I mean what I say. He’s panicked at the thought of losing me, and the last thing I want is him sitting here worrying that I’ve disappeared on him.
“You promise?”
The agony in his tone and his face is killing me, but I must remain strong. “I promise, Ryder. I promise I’ll be back.”
Jill, Liam, and the kids are delighted to see me, and I feel guilty I haven’t visited in so long. I take Kendall and Kyle to the beach for a few hours, grabbing some takeout burgers and fries on the way home. After they’re fed, I help bath them and then take turns reading them bedtime stories. Jill and I finally get a chance to speak once they are both fast asleep.
“Have fun, ladies,” Liam says, placing an ice bucket with a chilled bottle of sauvignon blanc on the table along with two wine glasses. He leans in to kiss his wife. “I won’t be too late,” he promises before leaving to rendezvous with his buddies at a local bar.
“You two make it look so easy,” I say, pouring wine into both our glasses.
“We work at it,” she says, chinking my glass. “And anyone who tells you relationships are easy is a damn liar.”
I kick off my shoes, tucking my bare feet under my legs, as I bring the glass to my lips. My aunt pats my knee. “Tell me what’s going on with you and Ryder. I thought things were good?”
I’ve been updating her during our weekly phone calls, but I hadn’t mentioned what went down at the awards ceremony or the fact I was attacked after the after-party. Once I’ve dealt with her concern, I tell her as much as I can about what’s going on. I don’t tell her Ryder knows the guy who attacked me or that it was a form of revenge, because that’s not my secret to tell, so I skirt around it, giving her enough to form a good picture of how messed up I am. When I get to the part about the protection-slash-stalking, she tenses up a little.
“You knew,” I say, stating the obvious.
“Not at first.” She puts her glass down. “I know you’re probably pissed but hear me out.” I nod, taking a big glug of my wine. “When Liam and I left our jobs to set up our own company, we knew our savings wouldn’t be enough to develop the system the way we had planned, so we hired a financial guy to seek out suitable venture capitalists who would be interested in investing in a start-up tech company. He secured three investors for us. Two of them we met in person, as they had questions they wanted us to answer face to face. The third investor wanted to remain anonymous, and while it’s unusual, it didn’t trigger any alarm bells. We were thrilled to have outsiders believe in our idea enough to put their money behind us.”
She purposely clears her throat. “Two years ago, we discovered the anonymous investor was Ryder. I was stunned, to be honest.” She clasps her hands in her lap. “I reached out to him, and we arranged to meet in New York the next time I was in the city visiting you.” I knock back my wine, stunned at what I’m hearing. “I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you so badly, but he explained that he’d had to leave you because his past had come back to haunt him, and it potentially placed you in harm’s way.”
Wow. I’m shocked Ryder even admitted that much, knowing how risky it is to divulge anything.
“He told me he had assigned bodyguards to watch over you, and he assured me he would keep you safe. I had no reason to doubt him because the look on his face when he talked about you said everything.” She grabs my free hand. “He loves you, Zeta. Like soul mate, one true pairing, crazy kind of love. I tried to persuade him to contact you, but he’d convinced himself he wasn’t worthy of you, that you deserved better, and it kinda broke my heart.”
Her smile is sad. “I spoke to Liam about it when I came home, and we talked it over for hours, wondering if we should intervene, but, in the end, I decided not to, because I had a strong feeling you two would find your way back to one another.” She squeeze
s my hand. “I knew you weren’t over him. I knew your reluctance to date was down to how you still felt about him. I knew those lyrics on your thigh were written for him.”
“I love him, Jill. He’s the only man I’ve ever loved but there is so much hurt and pain between us, and we’re both broken in different ways, and I don’t know if we can ever overcome it.” I suddenly need to tell her everything, because I need her to help me figure out my feelings and she can’t do that with half the facts. So, I tap out a quick text to Ryder, asking permission to reveal the truth, which he readily gives.
I fill Jill in on the rest of the story, and she listens with her hand over her mouth, much like I did when Ryder was telling me.
“Oh, dear Lord.” She knocks back her wine when I’ve finished explaining, moving to refill both our glasses. “I remember that case so well. I was twenty-one and getting ready to leave for Australia when the news broke.” Her eyes fill with tears. “Cory Barnes was Kyle’s age when he was murdered. The thought of anyone hurting my little boy…” Her voice trails off, a sob breaking free, and I wonder if I’ve been selfish telling her this.
“That was one of the first thoughts I had when Ryder told me too,” I admit.
“I can still see Cory’s little face. It’s never left me. That blond hair, those gorgeous hazel eyes, those cute dimples.” She flops back against the arm of the couch. “Jesus, Zeta.”
I lean back, sighing. “Ryder’s blamed himself his whole life, Jill. I see it in his behavior. In all the things he’s done. And he’s tried to give back. He does amazing work for charity, and he’s donated millions, mainly to help kids or anyone suffering from abuse or the effects of violent crime.”
She lifts her head up. “He’s a good man, Zeta. Hearing this doesn’t change my opinion of him.”
“I agree.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“How can I trust him when he’s kept so much from me? When he does things driven by this pent-up rage and frustration he’s carried with him for years?”
“You help him deal with it, Zeta.”
“I don’t know how.”
She sits up, scooting in closer to me. “You love him, and you support him through it, that’s how.” She leans in, kissing my cheek. “I know you love him deeply. And I know he feels the same. He’s spent years proving that to you. You just didn’t know it. Now, it’s your turn to be that for him.”
I nod. “I want to be there for him. I’m just scared. Scared of me hurting him and him hurting me.”
“That’s only natural, but there is nothing between you now. All the cards are on the table, and it’s up to you how you manage the hand you’ve been dealt. True love is messy and complicated, and it hurts. Sometimes, it’s necessary to feel that pain to remind us why we should fight for love, especially if it’s been hard won, like you and Ryder.”
Tears pool in my eyes. “I should just ditch my shrink and have you on speed dial instead,” I tease, sniffling.
She wipes my tears aside. “Sweetheart, I’m always here for you. You can call me as many times as you like because I love hearing your voice. The day you came back into my life was one of the happiest days I’ve ever experienced. I know we missed out on the first eighteen years together, but to me, in every way, you are my daughter more than my niece, and your happiness matters to me.”
Wracking sobs burst free of my chest, and she pulls me into her arms. “Ryder is a good man trapped in a bad situation. He hasn’t been able to figure his way out of this because he hasn’t had you in his life for the past eight years, but he needs you now, sweetheart. He needs you to help him fight.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I sniffle. “I always knew that.”
“Good.” She brushes my hair back off my face. “Because true love is being there for your significant other through the bad stuff as well as the good times. It’s caring for your partner when they’re incapable of caring for themselves. It’s being their strength in times of need. But, above all, it’s about forgiveness. And, maybe, just maybe, if you can forgive him, he can start to forgive himself.”
CHAPTER 37
Ryder
The bed dips, and a warm body curls around my back, rousing me from slumber. “Go back to sleep,” Zeta murmurs. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
I twist around until I’m facing her, rubbing my eyes and wrapping my arms around her waist to ensure I’m not dreaming.
“How are you here?” Mike didn’t tell me they were coming back early, and I wasn’t expecting her for a few days yet. Not that I’m in any way complaining.
“I missed you too much,” she says, pressing her hot body in closer. She throws her leg over mine, and my dick starts hardening.
“I missed you too.” She’s no idea the hell I’ve been through these past five days, torturing myself over thoughts I’d lost her. Having her back in my arms is more than I dared to hope for.
“I’m sorry I put you through hell,” she says, as if she has a direct line to my inner thoughts. “But I didn’t want to say anything or promise anything until I processed everything.”
“And you have now?”
She nods, smiling expansively. “I love you, Ryder Stone. And I love Jack Hill, the boy I didn’t know, the boy who grew up to become the man I love.”
My eyes penetrate hers, wondering if she means it, because how can she say she loves the real me when she knows what I did. “You can’t mean that.”
She places her hand on my chest, staring deep into my eyes. “I love every part of you, and I know who you are. You are a good person. A good man who was caught in an ugly situation, but it doesn’t change what I know is in your heart.” She traces her finger around the tattoo of her name on my chest. “You loved Cory Barnes. You took care of him as best you could. You tried to save him, and when you couldn’t, you ensured he got justice. You made sure people the world over knew who that special little boy was, and you have done so many good deeds in his name. If there is a heaven, then Cory Barnes is there, and he’s looking down at you, telling you to forgive yourself.” I don’t even realize I’m crying until she wipes my tears away. “And if you’re not ready to forgive yourself yet, that’s okay, because I’m going to help you get there.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I whisper.
“You deserve all the love in the world, and I’m going to give it to you.” She presses her lips to mine. “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. All I ask is that you never disrespect me or our love because I won’t tolerate being treated the way you treated me at that party. That’s a deal breaker for me.”
“That will never happen again.” I wind my fingers through her hair. “While you were away, I contacted your therapist, and she put me in touch with a local outpatient rehab program. I’ve been seeing a therapist daily, and I’m committed to staying away from drugs. They make me do shit I don’t ever want to do again, so I’m cutting them out. I can tolerate a few beers, but I won’t be drinking to excess either.”
“You’re serious about this?” Hope sparks in her eyes.
“One hundred percent. I’m doing this for me, for us, because I want to be a better man, the kind of man you deserve, but I’ll need your support, because it won’t be easy.”
“You’ve got it. Whatever you need. I’m there for you.”
A giant layer of stress lifts off my shoulders as we grin at one another. “You’re really back? To stay for good?”
She props up on one elbow. “I’m in this for the long haul. I’m yours. And I won’t flake on you again.” She runs her fingers around my face. “From now on, we’re a team, and nothing is going to break us apart.”
“Together,” I say.
“Together.” She leans in and kisses me deeply, probing my mouth with her tongue. My cock strains against my boxers, and I pull her in flush to me, needing to feel her body against mine. She thr
usts her hips forward, moaning as my erection presses against her belly. “Ryder?” She’s breathless as she pulls back, inspecting my face. “All the secrets are laid bare now, and I want there to be nothing else between us.” Sitting up, she pulls her silk nightie up over her head. She isn’t wearing any underwear, and my dick pulses with need. “Make love to me?”
I push her gently back down on the bed, crawling over her. “It would be my absolute pleasure.” I’ve never made love to a woman before. I’ve fucked. Hard and fast. A purely physical release without any emotion, but as I worship Zeta’s body, licking, sucking, and kissing her from head to toe, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this experience is going to be different.
I climb out of the bed, pulling the top drawer of my bedside table open as I kick my boxers off.
“I’m on the pill,” Zeta confirms. “And I’m clean. If you are too, I want to do this without a condom. I want to feel all of you, Ryder.”
Precum leaks out of my cock at her words. “I’m clean too. Are you sure?” I crawl back into the bed.
She nods, curling her hand around the back of my neck and pulling me down on top of her. “I’ve never been surer of anything. And I’ve never done this with anyone else.”
“I haven’t either.”
The biggest smile spreads across her face as she hooks her legs around my waist. “We didn’t get to experience a lot of firsts together, but I’m glad we get to share this one.”
“Me too, baby.” I crash my mouth down on hers, kissing the shit out of her lips as we rock against one another. I trail a line of kisses down her neck and along her collarbone, stopping to worship her gorgeous tits. She almost bucks off the bed when I tug at her nipples, biting and then lapping the sting away. My mouth explores every inch of her soft flesh as I move down her body, positioning myself in between her legs.
I lick her slit from top to bottom, burying my nose in her pussy and soaking in her essence. She smells divine. Tastes divine. And I’m too worked up to wait. I devour her pussy with my tongue and my fingers, and when I slide my pinky into her ass, she goes wild, screaming and writhing as she comes all over my face. Without leaving her time to recover, I slide inside her in one fast thrust. We both groan, and I don’t move, holding perfectly still, just enjoying the feeling of being inside her for the first time with no barrier between us.
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