by Beth Maria
Chapter Twenty-Two
I hate hospitals.
I hate the smell of hospitals.
I hate the disinfectant that they seem to overspray, causing your nose to burn from the bleach in it.
I hate the white wash walls, which are bright. Hospitals should be dark because it’s depressing.
I hate how everybody is so busy that they don’t have time to tell me what’s going on.
I hate how I’m currently sitting in the corner of the waiting room with my knees tucked up while I cry.
And I hate how I’m such a fuck-up.
I’ve been sitting here for the past two hours, waiting for somebody to tell me what the fuck is happening. Nobody seems to know, or if they do, they just don’t want to tell me. Dylan and Maxine are also with me, and nobody will tell them either. I’ve tried telling anybody who will listen to me that he doesn’t have any family and I’m the closest thing he has, but of course, because we’re not blood related or married, I have no right to know.
The system is fucking fantastic!
“Here, drink this.” Maxine hands me a Styrofoam cup containing burning coffee.
“Thanks,” I whisper back feebly. I take a sip and burn my tongue. I don’t care though. I don’t even care that hospital coffee takes like shit. Normally, that would be another thing that I hate about hospitals. Today, though, I just don’t care. All I care about is in a room somewhere in this gigantic hospital, and I’m not being told how he is.
I don’t know how much longer I sit here before somebody finally comes over to me, asking if I’m the closest thing to family that he has.
“Yes, both of his parent’s are dead,” I tell the doctor. His eyes flash with pity before they are masked back to his professional mask.
“Very well. Unfortunately…” Oh, God, it’s bad news. “Mr. James is still unconscious. Because of that, we can’t do a brain PET scan yet to determine if there has been any damage. We will have to wait for him to wake up before we can take him for one.”
Thank you, Lord, for not taking him from me!
I swallow and nod my head in understanding. He’s not in the clear yet. I need to remember that before I start jumping up and down in joy that he’s alive. Anything could happen.
“When will he wake up?” I ask. Maxine and Dylan are standing on either side of me, both of them grabbing my hands.
“We can’t determine how long he will be unconscious. Right now, his body has gone into shut down mode to allow himself time to heal. He’s suffered a trauma to the brain. His brain is most probably a little swollen, which is why he’s still unconscious. Obviously, I can’t say what the outcome is going to be, because until we get that scan done, I’m just not going to know.” I nod my head.
This is a lot to take in. One-minute Phoenix was fine, slamming me up against a wall and bringing me to orgasm, claiming me as his, and now, he’s lying unconscious in a hospital bed.
What a turn of events.
“Can I see him please?”
“Of course. Only two people will be allowed in though,” he states.
“It’s fine. You two go. I’ll wait here,” Maxine says, squeezing my hand.
Dylan and I follow the doctor down a couple of corridors and down a hall to the last door.
“I’ll leave you to have some time with Mr. James.”
With a thanks, the doctor leaves us alone outside of the door.
I’m so scared right now about what I will see as soon as I step into the room. Phoenix’s face has bruises, but it’s been a good few hours since the fight, enough time for more to appear. My hands are shaking. My body feels so cold.
“Are you ready, Emilia?” Dylan’s voice is soft. I can tell he’s as worried as I am. That could have been him had his fight gone wrong. He’s just lucky it wasn’t.
“Yeah,” I breathe out.
Dylan opens the door, and I step inside. My eyes land on Phoenix straight away. A gasp leaves my mouth. My poor baby… Tears start to prick my eyes. Dylan places his hand on my lower back, giving me a little push to move forward, to move toward my life.
I sit down in the chair next to his bed, where he’s still unconscious, and just stare at him. His eye that was swelling earlier is now completely shut and black and blue. Dried blood is streaked down his cheek from where his eyebrow had been cut open, and his lip is swollen and red. He doesn’t even look like my Phoenix right now. Had I not seen him fighting earlier, I wouldn’t think this was him. Why would he do this to himself?
“Why, Phoenix? Why?” I cry. The tears stream down my face; however, I don’t wipe them away. They are reassurance that I’m alive, that I’m human.
I cry for the fact that I couldn’t stop Phoenix from doing this to himself all the times I’ve asked, begged, him to stop fighting.
I cry because I don’t know if he will ever go back to being the Phoenix who I fell in love with all those years ago, or whether he will become a stranger.
And I mostly cry because this is my fault. I shouldn’t have tried to leave.
****
It’s been twenty-four hours since Phoenix was admitted to hospital. Twenty-four long, excruciating hours where I don’t know whether he’s going to wake up brain-damaged or not. And twenty-four hours that I’ve been able to blame and beat myself up for.
An hour after Dylan and I went to see Phoenix last night, a nurse came in and told us that we had to go home because visiting time was long over. I begged and pleaded for them to allow me to stay, as Phoenix has nobody but me to look after him. It took a lot of begging and pleading, but they finally gave in and allowed me to stay. I fell asleep in the armchair next to the bed in the early hours of the morning, holding Phoenix’s hand.
I woke up a couple of hours later, when a nurse came in to take his vitals and check that everything is okay- well, as okay as can be. I’m close to asking them if they can mend a broken heart, because I definitely need mine fixed, and pronto.
The whole day has come and gone, and now it’s night again.
Maxine came by earlier, bringing me new clothes, something to eat, and a cup of coffee. I haven’t even thought about food or my usual daily caffeine. How can I think about that at a time like this?
I changed though, only because Maxine wouldn’t stop nagging me. To shut her up, I went into the bathroom, washed, and changed into a new pair of clothes. I drank a few sips of my coffee but didn’t touch my sandwich. I feel sick to my stomach, and the thought of eating? It makes me want to throw up.
The nurses try to start a conversation with me when they come in. After not really getting a reply after the fifth nurse, they kind of gave up. I don’t mean to be rude, but what do you say when they ask you if you’re okay? Do you tell them yes so that they shut up, or do you tell them the truth; that your heart is shattering into a million pieces, and you don’t deserve to even breathe the same air as Phoenix because it’s your fault that he’s currently lying in that damn hospital bed?
No, I don’t want to have to go into all of that, so it’s easier to just nod my head and let them go about their business.
Why can’t hospitals put a pattern or some wall stickers on the walls to make them more interesting for people like me to stare at? White wash walls start to hurt your eyes after you’ve been staring at them for a while. Maybe I need to write a recommendation about it? I wonder if they’d take it into consideration. I doubt it, to be fair, funding issues and all.
I’m staring like I have been doing for God knows how long now, my eyes starting to close as I drift off, when I feel a light pressure on my hand. I don’t move. I wait and… there it is again! It’s faint, but it’s definitely there. Even though I’m tired, I know that I’m not imagining it.
I spin in the chair so that my body is now facing Phoenix instead of my feet hanging over the side of the chair. And I stare at his hand that I’m holding.
There is it again! Now I definitely know that I’m not imagining it.
Tears prick my eyes, happy t
ears that he’s finally waking up. Half of my worry has been lifted off of my shoulders from that tiny movement. It means everything to me. Now I just need him to open his eyes.
C’mon, baby, let me see your beautiful icy blues…
As if he can hear my thoughts, his eyelids start to flicker. And then I’m staring into the eyes that I have been hoping to see for the past twenty-four hours.
“Thank God you’re awake!” I throw myself at him, squeezing him and not allowing him a chance to leave me again.
“Em?” His voice is groggy and rough, deprived from water.
“I’m so happy that you’re awake.”
“Ow, loosen up a little, will you?” He chuckles, the sound vibrating through his chest that I’m laying on.
Oh shit. “Yeah, sorry. Forgot.”
“Not that I don’t welcome your touch, because, baby, I do. I’m just a little sore right now.” He coughs at the end of his sentence, reminding me that he needs a drink.
“Let me just go and let the nurse know that you’re awake and ask them if you can have some water,” I say, standing up.
Phoenix tries to protest, but it comes out as a horse croak. I promise him that I will be back in two minutes and proceed to get a nurse.
It’s around an hour later when I’m left alone with Phoenix again. All his vitals were normal, and we had to wait for a doctor to come and explain what had happened and that tomorrow they needed to preform a brain PET scan to see if there is any long term damage from the blow to the head. Phoenix didn’t remember what had happened at first, but it’s slowly been coming back to him. It’s not going to be long before he remembers that it’s my fault that he’s in here. Maybe I should remind him before he has a chance to remember, to give me a chance to plead my case and let him know how sorry I am.
Yes, that’s what I’ll do. Now I just have to figure out how to tell him.
“What are you thinking about over there? I can hear your brain ticking over time,” Phoenix asks, his voice still a little gruff.
I’m a coward. “I’m so glad that you’re awake. I was really worried, Phoenix.” Okay, that is true, but that wasn’t what I was thinking about when he asked me.
“Baby, you can’t get rid of me that easily,” he teases, grabbing my hand that is playing with the blanket covering him.
“I don’t want to get rid of you. I lost you once, and now that I’ve got you back, I’m never losing you again.”
Something flashes in his eyes. I can’t distinguish what it is.
“I love you, Emilia.”
My breathing hitches. Did he really just say that, or am I hearing things? I have to be hearing things.
“You’re not hearing things.”
I gasp. “Can you read my mind, or hear my thoughts or something?”
“No, I just know you well enough to know what that pretty little head of yours is thinking most of the time. Your face gives you away. It tells me what you think and feel.” Phoenix gives me a lopsided smile. His lip is still swollen, hence why it’s a lopsided smile.
My heart flutters, bubbling with love for this man who has been my best friend for as long as I can remember, who is now my boyfriend.
“I love you too, Phoenix. So much.”
“Come here.” I lean forward. Phoenix cups my face and gently caresses his lips with mine. He hisses through his teeth from the sting in his cut, but it doesn’t deter him. He’s letting his love flow through this kiss, slow and gentle. It’s the most powerful kiss we have ever experienced together.
“Mmm,” I murmur when Phoenix pulls back to rest his forehead on mine. My eyes are closed, still savoring the feel of where his lips were on mine. They are tingling.
“You’re amazing. Do you know that?”
“I didn’t, but if you say so, then I must be,” I joke, opening my eyes.
His deep chuckle reverberates through to my core. It’s a welcome sound, one I hope to listen to for the rest of my life.
Phoenix yawns. He needs sleep. After everything he’s been through, he needs to sleep.
“Get some sleep. You’re tired,” I tell him.
“I think I best. I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. That kiss has sucked all the energy out of me.” He winks with his good eye. I agree; it was powerful. It was soul-sucking, but in a good way.
“Go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“Promise?” he asks, squeezing my hand.
“I promise,” I whisper.
I watch as he closes his eyes, his breathing evening out, and then he’s fast asleep. I spend a little while longer engraining his face to my memory, every single part of it until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore.
I fall asleep with a smile on my face, hearing Phoenix repeating that he loves me, over and over again.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Phoenix went down for his brain PET scan a little while ago and told me to go home, to have a shower and freshen up. I tried to argue, but it was pointless. Phoenix gave me his keys and told me to pop by his place to get him some clothes and toiletries, as he didn’t know how long he’s going to have to be in the hospital yet.
Maxine came to pick me up a little while after I called her and took me back to her place to get my car. I left her, saying that I would see her later when they came to see Phoenix.
As soon as I walk through the front door of my apartment, I collapse onto the sofa. I’m exhausted! All this worrying and sleeping on a chair has tired me out. I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed and wake up and not have a neck and backache!
My mind goes back to Phoenix telling me to go home and shower. Do I smell? I lift my arms up and suddenly wish I hadn’t. Yup, I stink. No wonder he didn’t want me there. I wouldn’t want to smell me either, and it’s my body odor!
I quickly hop in the shower, lathering myself with soap. Three times. I make sure that the bad odor has definitely left my body, and then I hop out and quickly dry myself off.
I get dressed in record time, eager to get back to Phoenix. I miss his face huge amounts, and we’ve only been apart for just over an hour. He’s probably not back from his scan yet, so I have plenty of time to pop into Coffee Beans for a coffee and a muffin before I head to Phoenix’s.
Just as I’m about to leave my apartment, a cell goes off. I check mine. Nothing. Where did it come from? Oh, God, I have Phoenix’s cell. I was supposed to charge it for him.
I pull it out of my bag and check the screen.
One new message from Lottie.
Who’s lottie?
You know that saying, ‘curiosity killed the cat?’ Well, I’m the cat, and curiosity totally got the better of me this time around.
I regret it as soon as I click to open the message. I’m invading his privacy.
No, I’ll read it and then mark it as unread. That way, he will never know that I had a few seconds of insecurity.
Meet me at Coffee Beans in an hour.
Why would he meet this Lottie woman at the coffee shop I frequent every day?
More importantly, who is this woman texting him?
Why have I never heard of her before?
Is she somebody that he used to sleep with? Or is it somebody he works with? Again, why have I never heard of her before?
All thoughts are flying through my head right now, confusing me, none of them good.
That’s it. I’ll head over to Phoenix’s place, grab him a few things that he needs, and then I will head to Coffee Beans. It’s out of my way after I go to Phoenix’s, but I won’t be able to settle until I know who this woman is. If she’s someone from his past, then I will warn her to stay away from my man.
Nobody is getting in the middle of Phoenix and me.
****
I arrive at Coffee Bean ten minutes early. For what, I don’t know. It’s not like I’m going to know who Lottie is when she arrives. I guess I’m going to have to look for the person who looks like they are waiting for somebody. Jeez, it could be anybody!
I spot Harry behind the counter.
We haven’t spoken since he walked out of Moda, slamming the door behind him. I really should apologize to him for my behavior. I feel like a shitty friend.
Nobody is in the line, so I go straight to the counter.
“Hey,” I say as cheerily as possible under the circumstances.
Harry stops cleaning the counter and looks up at me. “Oh, hey,” he says, his tone a little dull. It makes me sad. I’ve done this to our friendship. “The usual or the pumpkin spice?”
“Oh, erm, I’ll have the usual today I think. Thanks.” He goes about making my drink. I miss his flirty and joking nature now that he’s being stoic with me. I need to fix this.
“Hey, Harry, can I talk to you please?”
“Sure. What’s up?” he replies nonchalantly.
I swallow before I speak. Why am I so nervous? Jeez, what is wrong with me these days? What happened to the girl who spoke her mind, even if it was a façade?
“About the other day…”
I start, but he cuts me off with a wave of his hand.
“Forget it. You have made it perfectly clear on more than one occasion that we will never be anything more than friends. It’s my fault that I chose not to believe you when you said that, but I get it now. Nobody will ever hold a torch to Phoenix. I didn’t even have a chance when he wasn’t in your life, and I’m definitely not going to have a chance now that he is. I just need some time to sort through everything – time to get over you I guess.”
He’s right; he wouldn’t have had a chance because I didn’t have a heart to give him. I gave mine away when I knew what love was. I gave it to Phoenix, and he never gave it back. I don’t want it back. I still feel bad. It’s probably partly my fault that he feels this way. Maybe I should have been sterner with him in the beginning about my feelings. Did I let him get off with it too easily? Did I allow him to think that he had a chance?
I don’t think I did…
“Will we ever be friends again? I don’t want to lose your friendship, Harry. It means a lot to me.”