HARD KNOX

by Jaxson Kidman

  Vinny was pissed that my old man had given up the information to me. I found out that my old man had worked a deal with the family on the inside. Protection, drugs, everything. That hurt a little bit worse than him actually dying.

  I stood up from my chair and walked to the wall.

  “Knoxville, sit down,” Uncle Jakey said.

  “No,” I said. “My old man was a fucking rat.”

  “No,” Ari said.

  “Yes,” Slam said. “Face it. Tell the truth. He was a fucking rat.”

  I looked back at Slam. I could always count on Slam telling it like it was.

  “That he was,” Uncle Jakey said. He slowly stood up. “He wanted to make sure the Reap stayed quiet. Okay? He and I had talked about it for a while. He didn’t want this life to consume the rest of you all. Like it did to King.”

  “King is serving his sentence,” I said. “He did a crime, he’s paying for it. Just like we all would. This isn’t about pride. Hammer decided his own fate when he got into bed with Vinny.”

  “Maybe he had no choice,” Uncle Jakey said. “The pressure was on for a long time, Knoxville. More than you understand. Local and Federal eyes were everywhere. We couldn’t push them away fast enough.”

  “So he just sold us out?” I asked. “Then he never told me about it? Only to… what… give me intel that would help the club but secure his murder…”

  “He did for you and the Reap,” Uncle Jakey said. “That’s why, okay? And when it happened, our men went to work. The guard who set it up is now dead. Our men did it. Men with Reaper’s Bastards ink in their arms. We know all of the truth. Hammer took the fall for the MC because the family tried selling us out. So when Hammer went down, so did their plan. The club took a step back and Hammer spent every day on the inside working, hustling, learning all he could. So he gave to you, Knoxville, the information that keeps us in power. He died with honor, defending his MC. Like a good President would do.”

  The room stood in complete silence.

  My father had always been the same man. The man who twisted, turned, and would do anything to survive. I watched him act like that my entire life. Job to job, woman to woman, never settling. Hell, maybe even with the Reap he wasn’t truly settled. No matter what, he was now dead. He’d get an honorable burial as a member of the club and that would be it.

  “This is personal,” I said. “Porter did this. Whether Vinny wanted it or not, he did it. Because I took Ana from him.”

  “Which is why this is your play,” Uncle Jakey said. He touched the gavel and slid it toward me. “You need to settle this, Knoxville. For your own sake.”

  “There’s a lot at stake here,” I said. I looked to all my brothers and told them the news. “Ana is wearing my ring. And she’s carrying my baby.”

  Shock spread across all their faces.

  Uncle Jakey walked to me and grabbed me. He hugged me tight and kissed my forehead. The rest of the guys damn near jumped me, congratulating me. It was a nice moment to share in the midst of tragedy.

  When the ruckus settled, I started to realize the old man would never know about me and Ana. He’d never see her round belly or meet his grandchild. Not that I really spent a lot of time with him. We weren’t some tight father and son bullshit thing. That ship sailed long before I was even born. Even still, if it wasn’t for him, I would have never been patched into the Reap. My only choice was to honor him by keeping the vision alive.

  That meant finishing this thing.

  I walked to the table and placed my hand over the gavel. Again, this was a no vote situation.

  “I’m going to kill Porter,” I said.

  Nobody objected. Nobody spoke.

  The truth…

  What fucking choice did I have?

  I stood at the old man’s grave and lit up a smoke. I sat on the headstone and left footprints in the fresh dirt. As a kid I always feared a hand would shoot up out of the ground and get me. Ma blamed the old man for that because he used to let me watch scary movies. Especially around Halloween. That was probably the one time he really came to life around me.

  I made the decision to let the dust clear a little. It was the smartest thing to do. Chances were, Porter was on the run, or hiding. Vinny would be expecting me to call him, which I did. We had a discussion on the phone over the power between our organizations and what it meant for the town and city. He assured me that my father was going to be taken out one way or another and that by letting Porter do it, it seemed to truly calm everything down.

  My response was simple.

  Porter was going to die.

  I wasn’t going to hide my hand. The thing that Vinny did have that I did… well, that one thing would take care of everything.

  Not to mention the names and locations of those Vinny took out. Again, peeling back a page of respect, I told Vinny that I would keep those names close to my chest. What had happened with the old man and Porter was simply personal. Anything greater would be viewed as an attack against the Reap and all hell would break loose. Strange as it was, we came to a sense of peace over the phone. Vinny even offered the club a protection run which I accepted and then handed the info over to Uncle Jakey. He was acting President. I had enough on my fucking plate.

  I finished my smoke and dropped it to the dirt. I stepped and twisted, spiritually sending the old man one last drag. I looked back at the stone and saw his name.

  Shaking my head, I patted the stone and whispered, “Not today, old man. Not today.”

  I walked through the cemetery to my motorcycle. All these souls all around. There was something powerful about it. But I kept my eyes forward. If I didn’t keep everything forward, I’d end up in one of the holes myself. That wasn’t going to happen.

  I climbed on my ride, fired it up, and checked the time.

  I smiled.

  Today I got to hear the heartbeat of my baby.

  To me the screen was like a TV without reception. To the woman in front of the machine with the wand stuck up my darlin’s hole, it made sense to her what she was seeing. The press of a button here and there brought up some blue color, some red color, and then she settled on what looked like a black opening with a white bean on the inside.

  That was my kid.

  Yeah, Ana had an ultrasound already. The pregnancy was confirmed. She showed me the picture and I took it to the clubhouse, and me and the boys all drank whiskey until the sun came up.

  But to be there and actually see it. The look on Ana’s face. The way the lady pointed at the screen and told me that the little bean on the screen was my baby. That was…

  It was everything I was fighting for.

  It was the final piece to my plan to end this spat with Vinny and Porter. It was to tie up the last loose end and all of us could then go forward and live.

  I grabbed Ana’s hand and squeezed it tight. I leaned forward and kissed her.

  “I love you, darlin’,” I whispered.

  “I know you do, Knox,” she said.

  That was the greatest thing to hear.

  Well, actually it became the second greatest thing to hear.

  A few seconds later, the lady pressed a button and I heard a heartbeat. The damn thing was racing and the lady told me it was not only normal but that the heartbeat was perfect. Everything was perfect. She printed out a bunch of pictures, almost like a photo booth, and that was it.

  From there on out it was up to Ana to schedule appointments and monitor her body. Her morning sickness was actually an after-lunch-sickness, which was common. There was nothing to do but ride it out. I hated seeing Ana get sick and she would get so embarrassed throwing up in front of me, but I didn’t give a fuck. I sat on the edge of the tub and rubbed her back. I held her hair back and cleaned everything up when she was done. Her body couldn’t help it. It was all the racing changes being made so she could carry life. The life we created.

  The lady left the room and I went and locked the door.

  Ana inched up and grinned at me
. “Is this because my pants are off? Or because another woman was touching me down there?”

  I laughed. “Now that you mention it…”

  I approached the table and then sat in the chair the lady had been on. I pointed to the screen which was frozen with a picture of the bean.

  “That’s our baby, darlin’,” I said.

  “Yes it is, Knox.”

  “Our bean.”

  “Our bean,” she repeated.

  I had a lot running through my mind. Timing was never a strong suit of mine and I knew talking right then wasn’t the smartest thing in the world. But I couldn’t help myself.

  I put a hand to Ana’s leg. “Do you want to get dressed first?”

  “First… for…?”

  “What we need to talk about.”

  She sat up even more. “Knox…”

  “I know. Timing.”

  “Fuck timing,” Ana said. “I need to know what’s going on. I’m not stupid, Knox. I know this has to do with your father’s death. I can feel it lingering around you. I’ve been around this life long enough…”

  I cut her off with another kiss.

  For some reason it never really struck me that we had been together for so long. Yeah, maybe not fucking-like-rabbits-getting-pregnant-then-getting-engaged, but our lives had been twisted up pretty damn tight since we were teenagers. Since the second she climbed out of that yellow moving truck and looked at me.

  So I had to tell her right then. I had to give it to her straight.

  I had to tell her my plan… and tell her that our little family may not make it.

  thirty

  (ana)

  *THEN*

  She was a shell of the woman I had grown to hate. And that was a terrible word to use as I stood there and looked down at my dying mother. The cancer had won a long time ago, but now it was about to completely finish the battle for good. The doctors warned me she didn’t have much time. That was pretty obvious when she was put in the hospital two months prior for a last chance hope at some kind of treatment. But it was too far.

  It had always been too far.

  The way it had fallen apart between me and my mother was tragic, kind of like her cancer. I wondered if I had been there earlier I could have convinced her to get checked sooner and all of this sickness would have been avoided.

  Not like it mattered much in that moment.

  Her eyes were shut for the first few minutes so I just sat there and thought about everything. I thought about when the truth came out that my mother had been sleeping with Knox’s father. The hell that it caused between the two houses was so bad. Knox’s mother left and never came back. Then Knox started to slip away, deeming into the arms of the Reaper’s Bastards. He would still stop by every now and again, but not like he used to. Then things got physical between my mother and me. I was able to take it a few times but then I swung back, just once, and that was it.

  I couldn’t believe I had hit my own mother. That was when I left. I struggled to find my own place and I secretly hoped Knox would come find me. Come get me and save me. Maybe I’d never have the fantasy life I dreamed of, but I would at least have Knox.

  That never happened though. A week became a month. A month became a year. The only call I got was about my mother being sick. And it was from her doctors. She didn’t even want me to know.

  The first time I saw her she looked okay. We never talked about what happened. I thought about bringing it up many times but each time I saw her she was sicker and sicker.

  I started to cry, something I said I wouldn’t do in front of her.

  I cried for everything.

  How one day I woke up and my life was forever changed. My stuff loaded into a moving truck. Then climbing out of that moving truck and seeing Knox. The storm may have calmed but it was still raging.

  The machines around my mother kept beeping. I had no idea what wires and tubes did what for her, if anything. At this point I was pretty sure it was all about pain management. The doctors wanted her to go comfortably. My mother hadn’t been comfortable in a long time.

  I hated watching it. I hated crying over it. I hated that she was going to die.

  I couldn’t control any of it. That was the worst part. I couldn’t control her health. I couldn’t control what Knox was doing, wherever he was and whatever he was doing. Each day I woke up and expected to see a headline of Knox getting arrested or killed. I tried to keep up with what I could about the Reaper’s Bastards but it was next to impossible.

  Letting out a shaky breath, I reached forward and took my mother’s hand. I had to say goodbye to her for the last time.

  To my surprise, she turned her head and opened her eyes. She looked right at me. For a quick second she seemed full of life and hope.

  “Ana… my sweet girl, Ana…”

  “Mom,” I said. “Don’t get all mushy on me right now. I can’t take it.”

  I smiled.

  She smiled.

  She coughed and looked like she was in intense pain.

  “Take it easy,” I said.

  “I am,” she whispered. “Today is it, Ana. I’m not doing it anymore.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “I’m sorry I let you down. In life.”

  “Stop,” I said. “I’m not going to talk about all that right now. It’s too late for it all. I’m here. Okay?”

  She nodded. She looked forward and her eyes got really heavy. They started to shut and her grip on my hand went weak. I shook her hand, feeling the emotion recharge itself inside me.

  No, no, no, no…

  I stood up and leaned over the bed. I kissed her forehead, feeling how cold and clammy she was.

  “I love you, Mom,” I said. “It’s okay to let go. I’m not mad at you. I don’t hate you. I’m sorry that you got sick like this. You can be free now. I promise, I’ll be okay.”

  She never opened her eyes again. But she did speak to me one last time. Her words forever tattooed into my heart and soul.

  “Ana… I was wrong… you need someone like him to save you… you need a man… you need to find Knox…”

  thirty-one

  (ana)

  *NOW*

  I was in the cemetery. It was sad and fitting all at the same time. Knox stood next to me, his arm around me. We both stared at my mother’s grave. He kissed my head and squeezed me tight.

  “I’m so sorry, darlin’,” he whispered.

  “It’s okay,” I said. “It’s just fate, Knox.”

  His hand touched my stomach. “Our fate is here. Our family.”

  I looked back at him and nodded. I offered a weak smile. “You should go. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wait around.”

  “Okay, darlin’,” Knox said.

  He backed away from me and I didn’t look back to see him go. I didn’t need to see it. This was my fate now. I was going to be alone in a cemetery. My life had gone so far off the track I had imagined it.

  I put both my hands to my stomach, feeling that motherly thing go through my body. It was hard to explain. The way the urge to survive and fight became so much more important. Seeing the way Knox reacted to it all proved everything I needed to know about him, me, and our future.

  Which was exactly why I was standing alone in a cemetery.

  The minutes ticked by far too slow. My nerves would one minute shake and the next minute calm. I had to put so much faith and truth into things I couldn’t control, I hated it. That was always my thing. Not having control. After my mother passed away, I tried to get control. The only way to do it was falling into the arms of Porter. He controlled me, sure, but it was almost like being defiant to my own heart and to Knox.

  When I finally saw Porter pull into the cemetery and get out of his car, my heart began to race. I left one hand on my stomach, feeling that deep need to protect my baby. All it took was one picture of the ultrasound to change everything. I had never wanted this… but I understood it. I thought about all the times Porter used me. The t
imes he came after me.

  It was all a secret. The messages back and forth. I never admitted a thing to Porter but it was easy to let him assume. I was the helpless woman, trapped with outlaws, and he was going to save me.

  That’s how the picture was painted.

  I saw Porter look around as he approached me.

  We decided to meet in the cemetery. It made sense. It was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do to end all of this bullshit. In my heart, I knew it wasn’t ending though. It was just going to be the beginning in so many ways.

  “Ana,” Porter said.

  He was within spitting distance.

  My heart raced. I never thought I would see him again. Or if I did, Knox would be by my side.

  “It’s really true?” he asked.

  I pulled at my shirt, making it even tighter against my body. I turned to my side. I had a very small baby bump forming. But it was there. The life inside me was growing by the day.

  The morning I popped I was so emotional. But Knox had taken care of me. He soothed me. He rubbed my back, shoulders, his massive hands caring for me. His hands then put me on my belly and his hands touched my ass. From there… it was three hours of hot sex that went from the bed, to the floor, to the shower, to the kitchen, back to the bed.

  Fuck, I missed Knox already.

  “Oh, Ana,” Porter said. “You’re really pregnant. I thought you were on the pill or something.”

  “I screwed up,” I said.

  “That’s okay. I’ll take care of everything.” Porter put a hand out. “It’s all okay now. I killed Knox’s father. I did it myself. Vinny was mad at me about it, but he played it off. I wanted to show power. To everyone. Especially to you.”

  “You hurt me,” I said. “You always hurt me. I hate you for that.”

  “That’s okay. You can hate me. But soon… we’re going to be in so much love together.”