by Raven Scott
“I’m going to get changed. I’ll meet you guys at the table in a few minutes,” I say quickly before turning and speed-walking to my room.
Slamming the door closed, I lean against it and shut my eyes, trying not to cry. This isn’t fair. Why does it still hurt so bad? I do want to heal, but the thought of doing that makes me feel like I’m betraying Dalton or something. Like without him, I deserve to carry this pain.
I’d trade places with him in a heartbeat if I could. Dalton had so much to offer this world and it’s bullshit that someone else’s shitty actions took him away. He’s supposed to be here, loving me, loving our friends, fixing everything the way he always did. He’s not supposed to be rotting in the fucking ground, all that love and talent gone.
A knock on the door makes my head move and bump back into the wood. I cuss under my breath and rub the stinging spot on my forehead.
“Parker,” Collins calls through the door in a sweet tone. “I made your favorite. Listen, if this is too much for you tonight, we can go and come back another night. We understand.”
I straighten up and yank the door open. “No, please stay. I want you here, I do. I’m just having a moment. I’m sorry.”
Collins smiles at me sadly and pulls me into a tight hug. She’s always been able to see through my tough exterior to a point. Even when her world is a mess, she’s always very perceptive.
“I know, Parker. We’re just worried about you. We know you haven’t been the same since Dalton passed,” she pulls back but keeps her hands on my shoulders. “But he’d want you to live. He wouldn’t want you just going through the motions every day, drowning in this pain. He always wanted you to be happy, no matter what.”
The anger hits me like a freight train and I shrug her hands off my shoulders, taking a step back. “You know, Collins, you don’t know a damn thing. Not about what I’m feeling or what Dalton would want. And he isn’t fucking here anymore to tell anyone anything, so stop trying to tell me how I should be acting. Just because you and my brother are riding on cloud-fucking-nine doesn’t mean the rest of us are there.”
Her mouth drops open as tears fill her eyes. “Parker, I-”
“Stop, Collins, just stop,” I yell, unable to control my voice or the pain radiating through my chest. “You got Cannon back and get to spend the rest of your life loving him. You have no fucking clue what it’s like to live without your heart. It’s not like Dalton and I just broke up or he moved away. He’s dead. I’m never going to fucking see him again. I’m never going to feel his arms around me or his lips on mine. So don’t fucking judge my pain and tell me how to deal with it!”
The tears fall down Collins’s cheeks just as Rogen and Cannon come jogging down the hallway.
Cannon stops between us and looks at Collins’s face, immediately pulling her to his side. “What the hell is going on? Mind telling me why you’re screaming at my pregnant wife, Parker? What the hell?”
I glance up at Rogen and then let my head drop forward. I’m such a bitch, and Collins doesn’t deserve my anger. She’s trying to help and be here for me, and sometimes I just can’t take it.
Rogen puts his fingers under my chin and forces me to look at him just as my own tears fall down my face. “Because she’s had a day that’s triggered every memory of the man she lost, and she’s struggling to deal with it.”
“It’s okay, babe,” Collins says as she wipes her face before gently touching his hand. “I pushed too hard. It’s not her fault.” She turns to me as another round of tears fall down her face. “I’m sorry, Parker. I don’t mean to hurt you, but I love you, and I hate seeing you in so much pain.”
She turns and walks down the hallway, my eyes on her until she turns the corner toward the kitchen.
I suck in a sob as my brother puts his hand on my shoulder, while Rogen takes a step closer and wraps his arm around my waist.
“Her heart is in the right place, sis. She just wants everyone to be happy because she is, and it hurts her when her friend is in pain and she can’t fix it.” He squeezes my shoulder before turning and going the same way Collins did.
All my anger fades, but guilt floods me. The sobs erupt from my throat before I can swallow them, and just as my knees want to buckle, Rogen grabs me and pulls me into his embrace, slowly lowering both of us to the floor. He rocks me gently, kissing my hair, and lets me cry.
“I’m tired, Rogen,” I say between sobs. “Tired of everything. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of the pain. I just want it all to stop.”
He holds me, right there in the doorway, until the only sound in our flat is my sniffling. Once I have a little bit of control over myself, I snuggle into his chest and he tightens his arms around me. This is the closest I’ve felt to content in a year, and I can’t find the words to thank Rogen.
He’s the only person that makes me feel anything other than pain, and there’s a part of me that wishes this calm could last forever.
4
For the last several days since the fiasco that was the group dinner attempt, I’ve thrown myself into the Crowe case. Yes, I’m passionate about getting justice for Theodora, but this is also the only distraction I can think of until I can get the balls to apologize to Collins and Cannon for the way I acted the other night.
Sighing, I pick up my phone and open the string of texts my brother sent to me the day after the dinner that I have yet to respond to.
Cannon: I’m sorry we left, but Collins thought giving you space was best.
Cannon: Parker, she didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. She loves you and so do I. But you can’t scream at us and lose it like that just because you’re hurting.
Cannon: Sweetheart, I know you’re hurting. I lived with pain like that until Collins came into my life. Don’t waste years of your life like I did.
Cannon: I love you, Parker. Please message me back soon.
I swipe at the lone tear that falls down my cheek. I’ve cried myself to sleep every night and woke up screaming from nightmares so badly that Rogen had to come in and practically rock me to sleep. So on top of apologizing to Cannon and Collins, I need to apologize to Rogen for keeping him up half the nights this week.
And I will . . . as soon as I can figure out what to say. I’ve never snapped at them like this and I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of how I treated everyone.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m becoming this horrible person, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to push everyone away and make them hate me. Making them as miserable as I am isn’t going to lessen my pain. Damn it, I’m such an asshole right now. I hate this.
Popping a piece of strawberry into my mouth, I flip the page of the motion I’ve been working on. I’ve added work into mine and Rogen’s morning routine, so while we have breakfast, I also try to work on something. In a few hours, I’m supposed to meet the Crowes at Theodora’s school and do a walk-through with two of her friends. Ever since we scheduled this, I’ve wanted to call Collins and ask her to go with me, but that would mean apologizing, and I’m too much of a coward to do that yet. Ugh. I seriously need to fix myself.
“Parker, are you even listening to me?” Rogen asks from across the table.
“Uh-huh, of course,” I say turning another page on my stack of papers.
“Oh yeah? What did I just say then?”
I look up at him with a blank stare and he smirks at me. Lately, that smirk makes me feel a warmth in my chest that I’m not used to. I stick my tongue out at him as he gets up and sets his plate in the dishwasher. When he glances over at me, there’s this gleam, this look in his eyes that catches my attention. I narrow my eyes at him, trying to figure it out, but he looks away.
“I’m coming with you today,” he says as he shuts off the faucet and grabs a towel to dry his hands. “Oh, and I invited Rain to come, too.”
“And what makes you think I’m okay taking either of you on an outing with one of my clients?” I ask with a chuckle as I organize the papers into one stack again so
that I can put them in my bag.
“Because I fucking said so,” he says, standing next to the sink as I get up and walk over with my plate and cup.
“Oh, okay,” I laugh. “That is a perfect reason to do what you say.” As I turn to walk around him, Rogen grabs my arm and pulls me back until I’m in front of him again. “Rogen, what are you do—”
His moves his hands up to cup either side of my face. “I’m coming because even if you don’t want to admit it, this case is taking everything out of you. You might be able to fake it with our friends, but not with me, Parker. I see you, even when you don’t want me to.”
The look in his eyes makes my heart beat hard in my chest and I bite my lip trying to swallow all the emotions bubbling in my heart right now.
Rogen leans forward and kisses my forehead, my breath catching in my throat, and then he turns and walks out of the room. I take a deep breath, mentally counting to ten before exhaling. Being close to Rogen has never made me feel any type of way other than safe, and I don’t understand why lately I keep having these weird instances where his touch or something he says makes me feel strange or different.
I’m hoping it’s just the stress of everything and this case, and the extra strain with my friends right now.
An hour later, we’re pulling up in front of Rain’s place and I can’t help but steal glances at Rogen as he drives. His hair is in purposeful disarray and he’s rocking his usual black t-shirt with long sleeves and black jeans with his leather belt and black boots.
“Should I ask why you keep staring at me today?” he says, making me jump. He hasn’t so much as glanced at me so I didn’t think he noticed. Shaking my head, I chuckle. “Nope. Just thought you looked nice today.”
Finally, he turns to me with a grin. “You don’t look so bad yourself, Ms. Sexy Lawyer-Pants.”
I burst out laughing so hard it makes me cough. “Oh, lord. Please tell me you don’t use pick-up lines like that on other girls.”
“You assume that I’m even talking to other girls,” he says in a serious tone.
As I turn toward him, the back door flies open and the entire car shakes as Rain climbs in the backseat. I turn all the way around and smile at her bright pink hair knotted atop her head and the dark edginess to her makeup. She’s wearing a neon cartoon t-shirt and ripped jeans with Vans.
Her eyes meet mine and she leans up and kisses my cheek, then pulls herself over the seat enough to plant a peck on Rogen’s cheek as well. “Good to see you, bitches.” She flops back in the seat with a wide smile on her face that I haven’t seen in a while.
“Uh, that’s Queen Bitch to you,” I say as I turn around in my seat and glance over at Rogen.
He’s smiling as he starts the car and pulls back onto the street.
“Whatever, Queen. You should feel grateful that my ass got out of bed. My presence is magical to be in.”
That makes Rogen and I both laugh loudly, Rain chiming in as well. It is nice to laugh. It’s been forever since anything has felt this carefree or nice.
“Okay, what’s first on today’s agenda, boss lady?” Rogen glances at me and catches my eye. Stopping at a red light, he turns toward me slightly.
“We’re going to meet with Theodora’s parents and two friends at school. Get to know her through them. It’s important for us, her parents and I, people like us, that the world get to know what an amazing young woman their daughter was.”
Rogen’s eyebrows pull together and he reaches over to let his fingers run across the back of my hand. “What do you mean people like us?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “People who’ve lost someone from someone else’s stupid decisions. Those who have buried someone way before they were supposed to.”
I can’t take my eyes off Rogen’s and he lifts his hand, running his thumb under my eye to wipe away a tear I didn’t even realize had fallen. We both jump when a horn blares behind us. Rogen clears his throat and turns his eyes forward. I make the mistake of looking at Rain over my shoulder. She’s got a smirk on her face with her eyebrows raised as she looks between me and my best friend.
I roll my eyes at her and I can’t help but smile. She’s always looking for juicy gossip and I hate to break it to her but there isn’t any.
Rogen just gets me now and I wouldn’t jeopardize that for anything, and it’s not like I’m ever going to be able to see anyone the way I saw Dalton.
I’m almost sure my ability to love like that died with him.
5
Rogen and Rain decided to stand and chat with the Crowes after our tour of the school, but the moment we stepped outside, I excused myself to the car. As soon as I slide in and shut the door, I break down in tears, covering my face with my hands.
I thought I could handle this. That somehow it would distract me and make this case easier to deal with. Two minutes in, Rain gave a small speak to the Crowes about how she knows what they’re feeling and even though they may not believe it now, it gets better. I hadn’t even realized until that moment that Rain is healing.
She might have bad days still, but she’s chosen to heal.
Then inside the school, Theodora’s friends took us to all the classes and spots around school that she liked the best. Sarah and Ronnie were the sweetest, but with every memory they brought up about Theodora, my mind fished up one of Dalton.
I cry harder, feeling like my world is shattering again and again.
The car door opens and I scramble to get myself under control, wiping furiously at my eyes and nose, but strong hands grab my wrists and pull me from the car. I try to pull away but Rogen crushes me to his chest and holds me, making me sob all over again.
“I got you, P,” he whispers against my hair. “I got you.”
Another set of arms wrap around me from behind, and Rain kisses my cheek. “Me, too. It’s okay to hurt, Parker. You and Dalton had something that was so real, it’s only natural to feel the way you do. But we’re going to love you through this, just like we’re supposed to.”
“Thank you,” is all I can manage as I tighten my arms around Rogen, nuzzling my head into his chest.
By the time he lets me go and I take a deep breath, something strange happens. It’s like a weight lifts off my shoulders as I exhale. The air moves through my lungs a little easier and each breath doesn’t hurt as bad as the last.
“So,” Rogen says running his fingers through my hair and tucking it behind my ears. “How about we head over to Anastasia’s and I treat you beautiful ladies to an early dinner?”
“Fuck yes,” Rain says with a fist pump in the air. Doing a little happy dance, she flings open the back door and climbs inside.
I look back to Rogen and he’s staring at me in a way he never has. It makes my cheeks heat and I look down at the ground feeling a little embarrassed, though I’m not exactly sure why.
“Maybe after dinner we can head home and watch a movie or something,” Rogen says softly as he reaches out and runs his fingertips up and down my arm. “It’s been a long day for you, so might not hurt just to relax.”
I look up at him through my lashes and nod.
A grin spreads across his face as he leans over and opens my door for me. Sliding in, I realize that we’ve both smiled more in the last few days than in the last twelve months. It feels good. It would be better if every small sliver of happiness wasn’t laced with guilt and I wasn’t still loving and hating my nightmares equally every night.
The entire car ride to Anastasia’s is full of Rain going on about how hungry she is, which has Rogen and me laughing like kids the entire ride. As we walk inside, Rogen puts his hand on my lower back to guide me and I stop short a few steps into the bar.
Collins and Cannon are sitting at a table finishing up their own dinner. Taking a deep breath, I walk over and stop a foot or so from the table, keeping my eyes down.
“Collins, can I talk to you for a minute?”
Cannon sits up and stares at me, a mix of anger and sympathy in
his eyes. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Parker.”
My face falls, but Collins touches his hand. “It’s a great idea, Cannon. Relax.” She stands and takes my hand, leading us to my brother’s office. As soon as we’re inside, she shuts the door and then wraps me in a hug. “I’m so sorry, Parker. I had no right to push so hard.”
My arms go around her and I bury my face in her shoulder. “I’m the one that’s sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I was a total bitch and all you’re trying to do is love me, and I’m so, so sorry.” Tears fall down my face and I can feel a sob-fest coming on.
Collins stands up and holds me by the sides of my face. “It’s okay. I shouldn’t be trying to rush your healing. If I’d lost Cannon, I don’t know that I would have ever gotten past it. But I miss my vibrant, confident friend who pushed me through my pain and stood by me while I was waiting for the love of my life to come back to me even though she’d lost her own. You’re the strongest person I know, Parker.”
I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut trying to stop the tears. Collins is right; she was right that night at dinner. If Dalton was here now, he’d be pushing me like a bulldozer to keep going, to let happiness in. He’d do whatever it took to make sure I fought through the shit and the pain until I made it out.
“I’m so sorry, Collins.”
She pulls me back into a hug. “I forgive you. I’ll always forgive you, Parker. You’re my family and I love you. I need my best friend, even if I have to wait another five years for her to heal. I’ll be here when you get through this, and I’ll be walking right beside you in case you ever want to reach out for a lifeline.”
Standing back, I chuckle and wipe the tears off my face for what feels like the thousandth time today. “What can I do to make it up to you?”
“Well, I’m glad you asked. Tomorrow you can have lunch with me, and Friday you can come help me with baby shopping. It will probably be the whole group, but I’m slightly worried about letting Cannon pick things out,” she says with a hearty laugh.