by Raven Scott
The smile that overtakes his face as everyone erupts in hoots and hollers of congratulations makes a grin spread across my lips before I can stop it. Wow. My brother is going to be a father. No one deserves this more than Cannon and Collins, and I’m so happy for them.
And I’m going to be an aunt. Even though I figured this was the news, there’s still an amazement that comes with hearing it officially announced.
Watching everyone hug and dote on Collins, touching her stomach and squealing about the news filters through my veins, and I try my best to hide the jealousy that mixes with the joy for my brother and sister-in-law.
“You okay?” Rogen whispers in my ear as he slides his arm around my shoulders.
I mentally shake myself and plaster the smile back on my face. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Rogen touches my chin so that I look up at him. “Because you feel like your chance at motherhood was taken from you when Dalton died. And I know you better than anyone. It’s okay to be happy and angry when moments like this happen.”
I lean into him as I press my lips into a thin line and sigh deeply. Rogen does know me better than anyone, and sometimes, like right now, it’s a total pain in the ass. I still appreciate him, though. He lets me feel however I feel and doesn’t make me have any guilt over it.
“You’re right. But they deserve this more than anyone. My happiness slightly outweighs my jealousy right now,” I say, looking up at him again and hugging his side.
“Well, let's go find the sickeningly happy couple then and officially congratulate them, shall we?”
Nodding with a chuckle, we make our way across the room to where Cannon and Collins are attached at the lips like they’re trying to swallow one another.
“Alright, that’s disgusting and I’d like to hug my sister, so move,” Rogen says, playfully reaching out to shove my brother in the shoulder.
Cannon kisses Collins again softly and I chuckle. No matter how much pain I feel each day or how much jealousy runs through my veins, I’m glad I get to witness these moments. The pure love and bliss that radiates off Collins and Cannon is a sight to behold. No matter how much I lost when Dalton died, I know how that kind of love feels and it’s life-changing.
Cannon steps away and playfully shoves Rogen back. “Fine, dick. I want to hug my sister anyway.”
As Rogen moves around to Collins, Cannon wraps me in his arms for the second time tonight. I squeeze him as hard as I can, trying to keep my tears at bay. “I’m so happy for you, Can. You’re going to be an amazing dad.”
He sighs and laughs as he stands and looks down at me, resting his hands on my shoulders. “A dad. Can you believe I’m going to be a fucking dad?”
Looking into my brother’s eyes, his elation seeps into me, searing my skin like a wave of fire. I keep my smile in place as he prattles on about them finding out and how hard it was not to call me and tell me the moment they knew.
As happy as I am for him, and I am, in the back of my mind I replay all the dreams I had of having this moment with Dalton, and slowly my brain and emotions start to go numb. Tonight is going to be one of those nights where I fall asleep to the taste of Jack Daniels on my tongue. Not because I’m jealous or angry, but because I don’t want to relive the nightmares of what I’ve lost with Dalton.
Not tonight. Tonight, I need a break from the hell my dreams unleash on me.
2
Dalton’s body hovers over mine, his sweat dripping onto me to mix with mine, my legs still wrapped around his waist as his arms shake to hold himself up. Our breathing is heavy and labored, but he leans down and kisses me, stealing what little breath I have left.
“I love you, Parker. God, I can’t get enough of you,” he whispers as he leans down and runs his tongue along my neck.
I kiss his shoulder, relishing in the saltiness that coats my tongue and lips. Dalton slides into me again and I moan, digging my fingers into his shoulder as I graze my teeth along his skin. Making love to him has always been magical for me. It’s moments like this that our love is tangible, a physical thing I can hold onto with him in my arms.
He moves in and out of me slowly, pushing me to cum with each thrust inside me. Damn, I love him. I love this. I love us.
“Come on, baby, cum for me just one last time,” he says, his voice changing at the end, fading.
As I squeeze him, he completely disappears and I sit up frantically searching for him. His taste still on my lips, the room around me darkens as a scream rips from my chest.
Shooting up out of bed, sweat drenches my tank top and sheets, my hair matted to my forehead and neck. My eyes adjust to the darkness of the room and the first wave of sharp pain in my chest causes me to cry out, screaming Dalton’s name as I grab a pillow and pointlessly chuck it across the room.
This hurts so fucking much it’s unbearable. Every night, I’m sucked back into what I had. What we had. All the love, joy, happiness, the euphoria that Dalton brought into my life is there again. And every night, I wake realizing he’s gone and it’s like losing him all over again.
Usually, I spend hours trying to fall back asleep just to torture myself because I want to be with him. I don’t care that the dreams aren’t real. In those moments, I have him back. I can be with him; I can feel him. But every time I do, I wake up feeling like someone is twisting my heart out of my chest with their bare hands and it’s debilitating.
Being as in love with Dalton as I am, I never thought about what it would be like without him. No one thinks of that when they’re so in love they can’t see anything but sunshine and rainbows. Now, my rainbows are rotting away and an eclipse of blood and sadness has blocked out any sunlight.
I know I need to let him go, move on with my life, but I can’t. We were supposed to have forever. Our happiness was tied to each other the way a boat is tethered to a dock. That tether was chopped in half, sending my ability to love, to feel anything outside of temporary, out into the ocean with no one steering it. It’s just aimlessly floating along, tossed every which way by the raging waters.
As sobs rack my body and I double over, pulling my knees up to my chest, there’s a loud knock on my door.
“Parker? Are you up, babe? You have a big meeting today, remember?” Rogen’s voice is soft despite how loud he has to talk through my door.
Wiping my hands down my face, I suck in a ragged breath. “Yeah, I’m up. I’ll be out in a minute.”
I’d be lying to myself if I said there were many days I wish I didn’t wake up. Lying to everyone else is one thing, but I can’t lie to myself. It’s become second nature to tell everyone I’m fine when they ask how I’m holding up.
But I want the pain to end.
I want the misery to stop.
Part of me wants to fall back asleep, dream that I’m in Dalton’s arms, and then drift off with him to wherever he is.
“I’ve got breakfast almost ready,” Rogen says through the door. “And if you hurry, we can walk over and talk to him before you go to work.”
I stare at the door and crack a small smile. This is one of the things I love about Rogen. We’ve settled into a routine since he’s been here. Most people would tell me to stop visiting so much, stop living in the pain. They’d be giving me a thousand ways to move on and get over it. But not Rogen. He accepts how I am now, and he helps me even if he doesn’t agree.
Honestly, I don’t know what he thinks of my self-induced exile. He’s never pushed one way or the other. He’s just the best friend I never knew I needed.
I shower as fast as possible but it still takes longer than I expect. I sweat so damn much in my sleep from my nightmare that it’s like the misery is caked onto my skin. Not that it’s going to just wash away, but I still scrub my body twice, hard enough to make my skin red.
I’m not going to have time to come home and change before heading into work, so I dress in my business suit and carry my heels with me. I can at least change my shoes in the car before I go into the office. G
oing out into the kitchen, I’m surprised at the breakfast spread on the table. Rogen went way above and beyond, more than we normally do.
In the center of the table there are fresh flowers, and he’s made pancakes and bacon with the pecan syrup I really like. As I move to my chair, he comes out of the kitchen carrying two glasses of orange juice.
“Morning, P. You look beautiful,” he says setting one of the drinks in front of my plate.
“What’s all this for, Ro? Is today something special that I’ve forgotten?”
He chuckles as he slides into his chair and I do the same. “Nope. But you’ve got a huge meeting today and I know that a good breakfast is the best way to kick off a good day.”
I stare at the food for a moment, my eyes stinging with tears as I look up and meet his gaze. “Thank you, Rogen. This is . . . this is so sweet of you.”
Rogen reaches across the table and lays his hand over mine, sending a wave of warmth through my fingers and up my arm, making a shiver tingle through my body. “No crying. You’re my best friend, P. It’s the least I can do.”
I rub my thumb across the back of his hand for a moment until he sits back up, pulling his hand away from mine. We fall into a comfortable silence as we eat and I make sure to clean up the dishes since Rogen went through so much trouble to try and start my morning off this good.
I glance at him a few times as we get things ready to head to see Dalton. Even with my pain suffocating me like a feather pillow, I can’t deny how absolutely lucky I am to have a friend like Rogen. I know he’s experienced his fair share of pain, it’s plain as day in his eyes sometimes. But even with his own darkness hiding somewhere inside him, he still does everything he can to better the lives of the people around him.
He’s a beautiful soul and I don’t deserve such an amazing person in my life.
Work might be the only place I truly get to escape the misery that has been my life for the last year. Here, I throw every ounce of energy into my cases. I use the pain and suffering from losing Dalton to help my clients. Today is one of the cases I’ve done that with.
My office door opens a crack and my assistant sticks her head inside. “Your eleven o’clock is here, Ms. Helding. Would you like me to show them in?”
“Yes, please,” I say as I finish typing out the email I’ve been working on.
A moment later, Mr. And Mrs. Crowe step into my office. They hired me a few months ago to head a lawsuit against the drunk driver that killed their sixteen-year-old daughter, Theodora. The driver knew he was drunk and chose to drive anyway, taking away the Crowes’ only child. Considering a drunk driver is what took Dalton from me, I couldn’t say no to taking this case, and ever since I’ve become almost obsessed with it.
“Good morning, Ms. Helding,” Mr. Crowe says as I stand and come around my desk to shake hands with him.
Leading him and his wife over to the small couch and chairs I have in my office, I gesture for them to sit. “Thank you for meeting me on short notice. Usually, I try to give my clients more notice, but the judge isn’t giving us much time.”
“Does that mean we’re going to trial?” Mrs. Crowe asks with a hopeful look in her eyes.
“Maybe. The judge reviewing the lawsuit has requested a private meeting with the defendant’s attorney. It’s not a huge step, but it’s progress. I need to be prepared for any way this meeting could go, though.”
Mr. Crowe sits forward with determination in his posture. “What can we do to help?”
“I want to take Theodora’s case public. Let the world know what an amazing young woman she was, and what a bright light this world lost because of this man’s reckless and careless actions. Telling Theodora’s story may just light the fire under the court’s ass for this to go to trial,” I say with a passion I haven’t let take over my body in a long time.
The Crowes both nod and then Mrs. Crowe reaches out and takes my hands in hers. “Thank you, Ms. Helding. We’ve been through so many lawyers who just dismissed our case that we were giving up hope on ever finding justice for our daughter.”
I give her a sad smile and squeeze her hands. “That won’t happen if I have anything to do with it. I’m not going to say this will be easy, but I will do everything in my power to make sure this man pays for what he’s done. While nothing is going to bring your daughter back, we can put a stop to this man ever doing this to another family.”
I’m going to give Theodora what no one gave Dalton. People are going to know how wonderful she was. They’re going to know how much she had to offer this world and the truth about why she’s buried now instead of going back to school and growing up with her friends.
Dalton’s memory lives with me, but I wish the world could have known him. Known how amazing and loving he was. That’s a loss that can never be fixed, but I can make damn sure that Theodora’s life is known and that her death creates change.
3
By the time I pull up in front of our flat, I’m emotionally exhausted. Meeting with the Crowes today really took everything out of me. Usually, Rogen and I would go see Dalton after dinner, but today I wanted to be alone with him. Rogen will understand, he always does, but after everything, I want to go in, heat up whatever is in the fridge, and then pass out for the night.
As I walk up the steps to our building, movement catches my attention. I look up to find Rogen standing on the porch with a huge smile on his face. It makes me smile too and I walk up and stop next to him.
“Waiting for me or someone else?” I say with a hint of amusement in my tone.
He chuckles. “You, of course. So, listen, I wanted to cook you a big celebratory dinner tonight, but I may or may not have burned the shit out of it.”
I burst out laughing and surprise myself as I lean into him, wrapping my arms around his midsection. “Well, it’s the thought that counts.”
“Well, that’s what I told myself, too,” he says as he turns, draping his arm around my shoulders and leading me toward our front door. “So, instead, I found a way to have good food.”
I look up at him, confused, as he opens the front door and we’re assaulted with boisterous talking and the TV way louder than it needs to be. Stepping into the flat, Rain and Rowan are on the couch, laughing and yelling at each other playfully, while Cannon and Collins are cuddled on the loveseat whispering to each other between kisses.
My face sinks a little and all the noise is a tad overwhelming.
Rogen slides his hand to cup the side of my face and turn it so I look at him. “P, I’m sorry, this is too much.” Sadness pools in his eyes as he stares down at me. “I should have asked first, but I just knew today would be a lot and I thought having friends over would make you feel better.”
I cover his hand with mine and sigh, giving him the best smile I can. “No, no, it’s great, Rogen. I’m sorry. It’s just been a long day. Thank you for this. It’s perfect. You’re perfect. The best friend I could ever ask for.”
He pulls my head to his chest and rubs his hand up and down my back, gently kissing the top of my head. “I’m far from perfect, Parker. But hey, after we eat, we can go see Dalton. I’m sure you have a ton to tell him about today.”
I step back and tuck my hair behind my ear, a small wave of guilt washing over me. “I kinda already went by to see him. I know we usually go together, but I stopped on the way home just so I could talk to him and then come home for the night. I should’ve texted you, I’m so—”
“Hey, hey. No need to apologize. Whatever works best for you. Maybe we can just eat and watch a movie with everyone and relax for the rest of the night.”
“If you two are done, can we fucking eat now? I’m starving,” my brother yells from across the room.
Rogen squeezes my shoulders before turning and heading into the kitchen. “Shut up, dickhead. You ain’t going to starve to death. If Collins isn’t bitching yet, you shouldn’t be.”
Cannon laughs and leans in to nip at Collins’s ear, whispering something that makes her
blush and giggle before turning her head to kiss him full on the lips. I stare at them a moment, letting the mix of happiness and jealousy filter through me like it always does when I’m around them.
I love my brother more than anything, and honestly, I’m glad he’s found his forever. But no matter how much I try, I just can’t be happy for them without there being pain with it. Then I get angry at myself for being jealous over their love, and that just makes everything worse.
“Kind of makes you want to throw up at times, doesn’t it?”
I jump a little at the voice next to me. Rain stands with her arms down at her sides and an envious kind of grin on her face as she stares at Cannon and Collins.
“What’s that?”
“The happy couple,” she says with a sigh. “They deserve it, I know. They went through hell just to be able to have this moment, but watching them is a huge reminder for some of us that we don’t have what they do. Just makes that pain sting all the more.”
I follow her gaze back to my brother and sister-in-law, letting out my own sigh. Rain was supposed to be my other sister-in-law. We were supposed to spend a lifetime picking on her brother, teaming up together in silly arguments against him, and holding each other up as family through whatever got thrown our way.
I know that her personal pain is just magnified because when I lost the love of my life, she lost her brother. Cannon was in a coma for a while after the accident, so on top of losing Dalton, I almost lost my brother, too. I can’t imagine what hell I would have been sucked into if I’d lost both of them.
Rain pushes through, though. She gets up every day and still lives like she’s determined not to waste another second. She’s another friend I envy. I want to heal the way she is, the way they all are. I just can’t seem to.