Hard To Love

by Ross, Sabrina

  I shook my head regretfully. “My friend Billie. She put it in my head that his late nights were because of another woman.” I covered my face, embarrassed. “She got me worried for nothing.” The anger that had festered began to pour out. “But I couldn’t help but believe her when he started to forget that we had plans. He also bailed on me when we were supposed to go to Mom’s for Thanksgiving.” I sat back in the chair, resting my head in my hand. “That was the last straw for me. I had been so upset for weeks that I came up with the bright idea to show up at his work, try to catch him in the act. Boy was I embarrassed when I walked in. He was in a meeting with his editing team.”

  “Oh, Lauren.” She sucked in air through her teeth.

  “Yeah, I know. Right?” I scoffed, shaking my head. “What I didn’t realize was that during their meeting they had been drinking champagne in celebration. I don’t even know what was being celebrated. He never got the chance to tell me.” The tears were effortlessly falling now. Breathlessly I continued. “The toxicology screen showed he was over the legal limit, and the cops tried to blame the accident on him.”

  “Still, that doesn’t make it your fault.” She tried to hug me.

  “You don’t understand, Cassie. If I had not shown up, he would have taken a cab home,” I cried.

  Talking about this was tearing me up inside. It had been a year since I spoke of him so freely. Cassie held me, letting me cry it out, not sure of what to say. For the past year I had blamed myself for his death. If he hadn’t been driving that night, then he would have still been alive. As I pulled away wiping my face, Cassie folded her hands in her lap.

  Then she said, “I understand why you blame yourself, but, honey, it’s not your fault, and if Matt was here right now, I bet he would tell you that.” I tried to smile but instead started crying again. “Enough of this sad song.” She brushed away the hair stuck to the sides of my face. “We need to get you in a better mood.” She kissed my cheek. We put everything away then she turned off the microfilm reader, and pulled me up to my feet.

  I didn’t want to tell Cassie that having lobster was the last thing on my mind. Instead, I suggested eating dinner with my mom since I wanted to go home and change anyway. Cassie decided she would go home too. My emotional state was more than she was used to. I was never the girl who cried on everyone’s shoulders. That’s what she used to use me for.

  “I’ll be back at nine to get you, and you better not be asleep.” She chuckled as she leaned over to give me a hug.

  “I won’t. I promise.” I laughed, and then climbed out.

  “Wear something sexy,” she said, leaning over to the passenger side, looking up at me.

  “Okay.” I sighed, and then waved her off.

  “Mom?” I called out, making my way down the hall. I found her in the tea room with a friend. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  “Lauren, come in,” she said smiling, “Mrs. Peterson and I were just having tea.”

  “Hello.” I nodded and smiled. “I was checking to see if you wanted to have dinner with me,” I asked.

  “That sounds great. I have a stew on the stove.”

  “Okay.” I smiled, turned and left them to their tea.

  I stayed in my room until my mother called me down to eat. Then after dinner, I took a long shower, dried my hair and after the third outfit I decided on something simple. I pulled on a pair of charcoal skinny jeans, a hot-pink, off-the-shoulder fitted top and my favourite black patent-leather heels.

  I brushed my hair again and then straightened it. Once satisfied with my hair, I started on my make-up, adding a hint of light-pink shimmer shadow, blackest-black mascara and a high sheer rose gloss to my full lips. I was impressed with myself for being ready before Cassie arrived. When Cassie walked in, she was wearing a jet-black jersey turtleneck dress, with knee-high boots. She looked as amazing as ever.

  “I didn’t realize you were going to wear a dress,” I groaned, feeling underdressed.

  “I’m wearing this for Charlie. He loves my long legs,” she said with a giggle. I shook my head and laughed as I followed her out the door.

  When we arrived outside the club called Gravity, the line stretched around the building. I huffed, disappointed. Cassie glanced at me as she got out of the car.

  “What’s wrong, doll face?” “I didn’t realize how busy this place was,” I replied. “There’s a line already.”

  “Oh, honey, we don’t wait in line.” Her head flung back as she laughed. Cassie held out her hand to take mine as we walked up to the front doors. The bouncer smiled at her and unlatched the velvet rope. She gave him a big smile and slipped past him.

  “Charlie owns this place,” she replied. “Come on. Let’s see if he is here yet.” She pulled me along behind her, slithering our way through the crowd. We stopped at the bar along the way, where she ordered us both a martini. She turned around to face the crowd, her eye scanning the faces. I accepted my drink from the bartender with a smile. He winked at me before helping someone else.

  As I turned, moving to the music, I spotted Mason out of the corner of my eye on the other side of the bar, both elbows planted on the wood and swirling the straw around in his glass. He glanced up from his drink and his eyes met mine. I ignored that familiar hateful stare and turned away.

  “Your cousin is here,” I sighed with a roll of my eye.

  Cassie glanced behind me. “Yeah, he frequents this place,” she said.

  “Does he have a drinking problem?” I asked.

  “Not that I’m aware of, but then again I don’t pay much attention to him.” she said, and then waved at someone. I followed her stare and spotted a handsome young man with dirty-blond hair and ice-blue eyes.

  “Hello, gorgeous,” he said, walking over and kissing her cheek.

  “Babe, I want you to meet my best friend, Lauren,” Cassie introduced. Charlie smiled and reached around her to take my hand in his.

  “Pleasure to meet you, Lauren.” he leaned in close. “What a lovely name, by the way.” He smiled then turned to Cassie. “I haven’t heard from you all day. I wasn’t sure if you were going to show up,” he said, hugging Cassie close.

  “Sorry, I was out with Lauren. We shopped for her masquerade gown today.” Her shoulders bounced with excitement.

  “How exciting.” he joked. I laughed and she playfully punched him in the stomach. “I’m sure it was fun.” He kissed the side of her head lovingly. “Look, I’m up in the booth if you want to join me. I have some friends from out of town here tonight that I want you to meet.” He wrapped his arm around her neck, pulling her away.

  “Sure.” She reached out for me to follow, but I shook my head.

  “You go. I’m going to have another drink, then see if I find anyone I know,” I said. I wasn’t in the mood for small talk— maybe after a few more drinks.

  “George,” Charlie called out to the bartender. “Drinks for her are on me tonight,” he said pointing me out. The bartender nodded, then handed me a glowing pink bracelet, giving me another wink. I felt my cheeks sting.

  “I won’t be long,” Cassie mouthed as she walked away.

  I smiled and waved. I sipped the martini and scanned the crowd until someone stood in front of me.

  “Are you stalking me?” He smirked, crossing his arms. I eyed him up and down, noticing his expensive black polo shirt with a tattoo-style design on the right side of his chest, dark denim jeans and black boots.

  “Are you drunk again, rock star?” I retorted.

  “Funny.” This time his lips parted when he smiled, and I noticed his perfect set of white teeth to go with that sexy smile.

  What was I thinking?

  I shook my head and averted my eyes.

  “Are you here to pester me, or am I trespassing again?” I mocked. It was childish, but he was a jerk and I needed to put him in his place. I turned to the bartender, waiting for him to look my way. When our eyes met, I gestured for another drink and he started making it.r />
  “My own words used against me. Ouch,” Mason said, leaning on the bar next to me. “Tell me, does the tough-chick act actually work for you?”

  “I don’t know, does the, I’m a douche with lots of money, work for you?” I scowled.

  “Ouch and the gloves are off.” He flashed a toothy grin.

  Wow . . . .

  “I’m here to have a good time, Mason. Please find someone else to bother,” I said with a roll of my eyes. I turned just as George, my personal bartender for the night, finished my martini and placed it on the wooden bar. I thanked him with a smile, and walked away, leaving Mason behind me.

  “I’m impressed,” he said, coming up behind me whispering in my ear. I jerked away.

  “With what—my good memory or the fact that I am still tolerating you right now,” I asked as I turned to face him, almost spilling my drink because he was standing so close. I huffed and stared him down.

  His smile was starting to irritate me. “Well, it is definitely not your tolerance for cool people.” His lips screwed into a smile and he tilted his head forward. He fingered a strand of hair by my cheek. My mouth parted, but no words came out. Glancing over his shoulder, I spotted Cassie coming towards us. I pushed past Mason to meet up with her. Maybe standing around alone was not a good idea after all. She took me over to a set of stairs leading to a glass room. When I glanced behind me, as I followed Cassie, Mason was still watching me. Our eyes locked for a moment.

  “Was that Mason you were talking to?” she asked, grabbing a seat next to Charlie.

  With a nod I replied, “Yes.”

  “Sorry. The last thing I thought he would do was talk to you, after the other day.” She winced.

  I shrugged.

  “Hello again,” Charlie said and looked up at me with a big smile. I nodded and smiled back. I sat next to Cassie. I listened to them chat about their summer trips to places I had wished to see at some point in my life.

  I scolded myself. No pity party tonight, and with a deep inhale, slowly letting out the breath, I let go of negative thoughts. I glanced to my right, looking down at the dance floor and the moving bodies. Sitting here listening to them talk was boring and reminding me of the pity party going on in my head. In my standing, everyone halted their conversation.

  “I think I want to dance,” I said, then gulped the rest of my drink, placing the glass on the table.

  “You sure?” Cassie stood next to me.

  “Oh yeah.” I tried to hide my annoyance.

  “I’ll be back in a bit.” Cassie leaned down to kiss Charlie on the lips. I was grateful she decided to join me.

  As we walked down the stairs, I danced and I did not care if anyone was watching. Cassie grabbed my hand as we made our way through to the middle of the crowded floor. You weren’t having fun dancing unless you were in a tangled mess of bodies.

  Letting go, allowing the music to take over, I closed my eyes and I heard Cassie next to me, singing along. We cheered as the next song started, singing as loud as we could. Then a spin of slow songs took over, giving me the cue that it was time to get a drink.

  George remembered me, giving me a wink as he caught my eye. Cassie joined me moments later. I was surprised Charlie hadn’t come down to dance to a slow song with her. It wasn’t my business how they worked as a couple. If she was happy then I was happy for her. Cassie ordered two rounds of tequila shots. With my throat on fire, after drinking the shots, I made my way back to the dance floor just as my favourite song came on. I squealed and dragged Cassie back with me. Girls were jumping and singing, their arms waving in the air. Before I knew it, the alcohol was beginning to numb me. Beads of sweat slowly dripped down my neck. Cassie waved at me to get my attention, gesturing she needed a drink. I waved her off and continued dancing. The music took me into a trance, and I let my body flow to the beat of the song. Not long after Cassie had gone, I felt someone come up behind me, wrapping their arms around my waist. I didn’t care.

  Whoever it was smelled good—a good sign he had taste. I let my body grind against his, stretching my arms behind me and running my fingers through his short hair. My eyes were shut— that was a good thing; otherwise the spinning room might have made me nauseous. Drinking was not something I did often.

  When the song ended, I slowly turned to face the mystery person rubbing up against me. I had to balance myself with his as I spun around. The smile on my face disappeared when I locked eyes with him. His sexy little smile was starting to get on my nerves. I didn’t understand what his deal was with me.

  “Mason.” I scowled, pulling away. “God, why don’t you just go away?”

  “Where are you going?” He shouted as he followed me to the bar. He grabbed my arm and turned me to face him just as I was getting, George, the bartenders attention.

  I slapped his hand away. “Do you want me to yell at you? Is that what you like?”

  “Maybe.” He smirked.

  “Ugh, stop smiling.” I turned away.

  “Why? Don’t you like my smile?” He grabbed my arm, turning me around again.

  “Not liking it isn’t the problem.” I regretted it the moment the words left my mouth. His top lip twitched as he started to smile again. I needed to escape Mason. George nodded once we made eye contact.

  “There you are!” Cassie walked in front of Mason.

  “I think I need to go home,” I said.

  “Are you sure?” Cassie pouted.

  “Yes.” I glared past her. She turned to find Mason standing there with his arms crossed a smug look on his face. George handed me a martini and I started taking big sips.

  “What’s your deal, coz?” she asked, placing her hands on her hips.

  He smugly replied, “Nothing.” But he wasn’t looking at her; he was still staring at me. Cassie eyed him a little longer, and then turned to face me.

  “Let me just tell Charlie,” she said, touching my arm.

  “No—Cassie, you stay.” I shook my head.

  “Lauren, I not going to just—”

  “I can take her home,” Mason interrupted. Cassie craned her neck to look at him.

  “You’ve been drinking,” she said.

  “I’d sooner walk home with a serial killer,” I replied. Mason didn’t respond but he didn’t walk away either. Cassie couldn’t help but grin. “I’m fine. You stay have fun I will see you tomorrow or something.”

  “No, you are not walking home alone,” she said sternly.

  “I’ll walk with her,” Mason interjected. This time my eyes widened, surprised, as I wondered what his end game was.

  “You sure?” Cassie turned to face him again.

  “Yeah, it’s a beautiful night out,” he replied. “I could use the fresh air.”

  “No. I’m not that far from here,” I said, refusing his company.

  “I know.” He smiled.

  “Now who’s stalking who?” Again, not thinking before speaking. Cassie tried to hide her laugh. Mason just smirked, not taking his eyes off me. “Sorry. My brainmouth thing is on delay.” I twirled my finger in the air around my head.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow,” Cassie said, hugging me again.

  “Sure.”

  Quickly I headed towards the exit, hoping to lose Mason along the way. Unfortunately, once outside, he caught up with me.

  “What’s the hurry?” he asked, catching my hand in his.

  “No hurry,” I said nervously, taking my hand back and stuffing it in my jean pockets. “I should be fine. You really don’t have to waste your time walking me home.” It was a little much, but I needed to get away from him.

  “Just let me walk you home and stop complaining,” he scolded. I closed my eyes, turning away from him. Being around Mason, drunk, was not a good idea.

  The walk home was not just silent; it was awkward. I didn’t even understand why he insisted on walking me home. Mason, the spoiled rich kid every girl wanted, the guy I oddly found myself attracted to. I understood fully why girls were drawn t
o him, his had the sexiest smile I had ever seen and those teal-blue eyes were mesmerizing. When he looked at me I melted.

  “Lauren—”

  Before he ruined the moment, I interrupted. “I’m good from

  here, Mason.” I stopped walking, turned to face him, and stuffed my hands in my back pockets, again. “I’ll make sure you get to your door.” He folded his arms across his chest giving me a half smile. I felt cheated but even a half smile was killing me inside. I just wanted to grab his face in my hands pull him in and kiss him until I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “I’m fine ,” I said clearing my throat, and hoping I hadn’t said anything I was thinking out loud.

  “That you are,” he smirked and my cheek flushed, then he started walking again, nudging me to follow.

  “I don’t get you,” I replied, walking next to him, glancing up.

  “What do you mean?” he asked, looking down at me.

  “Well, when we first met, in the forest, you were less than cordial, and now you’re—”

  He interrupted, chuckling. “Sexy?” He wagged his brow and I rolled my eyes.

  I replied, “I was going to say charming, but you’re still a pompous ass.” I caught the smile on his lips before he looked up at the blackness of the sky. My eyes followed and I stared intently at the vast beauty hovering above us. The stars twinkled through the mist of clouds.

  “I’ve got to keep it interesting,” he replied. Then as he looked down at me he saw me roll my eyes again. “I’m sorry that I was such a jerk the other day.” He stopped walking.

  A little confused by his words, I stopped walking as well and added, “And at breakfast and at the bar tonight.” He laughed and shook his head.

  “And at breakfast this morning, and earlier tonight.” His cheeks flushed. “I—I’m not normally a jerk.”

  “Ha!” I blurted without thinking. “I find that hard to believe.” I laughed. We stared a lot longer than what was comfortable. I waited and waited for him to make a move but he didn’t and when I looked over at the house next to where we were standing, I realized it was my mother’s. My heart sank a little and I was disappointed that this was ending already. When I looked back at him he looked disappointed as well. “Thank you for walking me home.” This side of Mason was more tolerable.