So Many Reasons Why

by Missy Johnson

  “I have to go for a few hours Em, but call Cass if you need her. I will drop past and let her know what happened.” He leaned down and kissed me, his shaggy blonde hair falling over his face. He was in dire need of a haircut, not that I’d managed to convince him of that. I smiled up at him. He was such a wonderful person. “I will check on you later.”

  An alert popped up.

  Chapter Two

  Miss Mancelli,

  I am sorry, I didn't understand your circumstances, and I should have checked your file before replying. I am working on a case at the moment that has me very frustrated, and I think your email was just the wrong place at the wrong time. Add to that the 26 requests I've had for extensions over the past three days and I hope you can understand my reaction. One student's request stated she couldn't complete the essay on time because she forgot she was enrolled in the subject. Yes, I am serious. Needless to say, her request was denied.

  I have attached some notes you might find helpful. Have you picked your cases yet? I may have some more information on those if that will help?

  Again, I am sorry. I hope you can forgive my behaviour.

  Simon Anderson

  Huh. How about that. I felt pretty proud of myself. Proof that speaking your mind can get you places, some of the time. If only the parole board had been so easy to persuade.

  Jumping up, I did a little victory dance, not entirely sure what I'd won here, but it felt good. So he was having a bad day. Get over it. Every day is a bad day when you're agoraphobic. God I needed to start writing these down. I can see it now, my own range of mental illness T-shirts.

  Absolute gold.

  I focused back on the email. I had no idea what would possess someone to become a professor. Twenty-Six requests for extensions in a class of about ninety? Seriously? That would piss me off big time. Not to mention all the marking, exams, lectures, and tutoring. No wonder the guy was having a bad day.

  Mr Anderson,

  Apology accepted, thank you for the notes. Sorry if I sounded defensive, I guess being cooped up at home has taken its toll on me.

  Emma

  Again his reply was immediate. Wow, this guy has fast hands. I blushed at my insinuation, even though it was not intended.

  Emma,

  Please, call me Simon. It must be very hard for you. I can’t even handle two days at home with a cold! Watch some movies, read a book, it might make time pass for you. Or better yet, do some homework ;)

  Simon

  Oh, on a first name basis now are we, I mused.

  I kicked my legs up under me.

  Simon. I had a cat named Simon when I was little. He was underweight, scrawny and full of worms when I brought him home. I had found him behind the dumpster of the local shops. He also scratched my dad on the back. That was probably my fault, considering I threw poor Simon onto his back from two feet away. Poor terrified Simon. My dad hated him after that, and I’d never owned up.

  I tried to associate the name Simon with the deliriously sexy voice I'd heard on the lecture recordings. It just wasn't working for me. I kept seeing that poor defenceless scrawny cat.

  I realised I hadn't thought about Derek in over fifteen minutes. I was more than happy to play email tag with Simon if it kept my mind off things.

  Simon,

  In the last 24 hours I've watched three movies, read a book, and watched countless reruns of Seinfeld. I am the master of trying to make time pass faster.

  Oh, and I have also bathed Carol.

  Emma

  Beep. I clicked on his reply.

  Emma,

  Carol? Who the hell is Carol? I have visions in my head I probably shouldn't have as your teacher.

  Simon

  “Oh shit.”

  The inappropriateness of my comment wasn’t completely accidental, but now I felt weird. What the hell was I doing? No doubt he was fighting off images of me and my smutty neighbour Carol with her heaving breasts heating things up in the shower. I glanced at the windowsill, where Carol had just hissed at me. She glowered at me. Carol always looked at me with disapproval. I swear that cat hated me. Especially when I worked her into awkward conversations with strange professors.

  Simon,

  Oh yes, you should have seen her! We had a bit of a food fight, and she ended up head to tip covered in trifle (This was true. Long story). The least I could do was get in there with her and help her wash the mess out of her long golden locks. I couldn't keep my hands off her!

  It was all good though. We spent hours rolling on the bed after and finally fell asleep (again true).

  Emma.

  I was flirting with Simon, and it felt good. Human contact with someone new. It had been so long since I'd had any type of conversation with someone outside my circle of friends and family. Unless you consider the fifteen year old grocery delivery boy a social outlet. I don't. Ping!

  Emma,

  I must admit I sat here speechless for the good part of five minutes. I know that you're messing with me, but not all of me agrees, or wants to agree at least. Can you please put me out of my misery here and tell me who the hell Carol is.

  Remember, I am your teacher. I can fail you.

  Simon.

  I laughed at his empty threat. I'd love to be in on that conversation when he told the dean the reasons behind my fail mark. I'm sure he knew as well as I did our email exchanges were probably breaking several rules about teacher/student relations. Finally, deciding he had suffered enough, I tapped out an email telling him who Carol was. He replied back straightaway (again).

  Who names their cat Carol? Are you serious? What a poor cat. Anyway, you have distracted me for long enough. I need to go do some work now. I am giving you my home email only because I don't check my work one as often as I should. If you get stuck with any of the notes, or need to clarify anything, please let me know.

  Thanks for the chat Miss Mancelli

  I threw myself back on the couch and smiled. Home email, hey? For purpose of helping me if I got stuck? Bullshit. The guy was clearly flirting with me. What would I do about it though? Feeling ballsy, no doubt due to the several beers I'd consumed, I typed out an email and sent it to his home address.

  I used to have a cat named Simon. Do you give all the girls your home email, Professor?

  Emma

  As my finger hovered over the send button, I felt sick and excited at the same time. Click. This was so not like me. I didn't do relationships. I could barely manage friendships. And flirting with a professor was so not my style. There was something about Simon. Something I liked. Something that made me feel fuzzy in the stomach, for lack of a better word. I was used to feeling sick in the stomach, but this feeling was different.

  It was good. A nice feeling.

  I'd been attracted to boys in the past, but I had never acted on it. Tom and I had tried kissing once when we were twelve, but that didn't go so well. Cass and I tried kissing also (which surprisingly went better than Tom and I), but again, nothing really there. It was hard meeting boys when you never left the house. Cass went through a phase where she had been determined to set me up, we had gone through five boys, all were nice enough, but none of them really had anything in common with me.

  One of them had turned into a relationship that had actually lasted a few months, but it was far from the mind blowing attraction my addiction to romantic movies had conditioned me to look for. Is that what this was? A crush? That undeniable chemistry you find once in a lifetime? God, I was turning into a greeting card.

  Emma! I screamed inside my head. He is your fucking professor who was just teasing you. DO NOT go there!

  Unfortunately for me, frisky Emma had already gone there.

  The next two hours were spent working on my assignment. Though it didn't help me take my mind off things, it did help me put things in perspective. I felt better than I had a few hours ago, but that could have just been the combination of Vallium and beer.

  My attack hadn't taken long to prepare. I had
all the details already. I was lucky that my parents had fought to have my name withheld from all public documents. I couldn't imagine having had to go back to school with everyone knowing what had happened. And this meant my name wasn't mentioned in my essay at all. The second crime, the current one, I was having more trouble with. I flicked open my email, and headed straight to compose.

  Hi Simon,

  Sorry to bother you on your home email, I just wanted to see if you could run over this for me? I also have no idea what to do for the current crime. Not being able to get out into the courts and stuff makes it difficult as I only have what's happening in the news to go by.

  Sorry to bother you, enjoy your weekend.

  Emma

  It was only after that I sent the email I saw the reply from my earlier email sitting in my in box. I suddenly felt embarrassed. Flirting with him had seemed like a great idea at the time, but now the reality of it was setting in, and so were the repercussions. I bit my lip and opened the email.

  No, not all the girls. Just you.

  Simon

  Romantic Emma began to swoon.

  “You are looking happier.” I glanced up from my computer to see Tom standing in front of me clutching two coffee cups and a bag of donuts. I hadn't even heard him come in. He handed me the coffee. Caffeine. Exactly what I needed. “Get much done?”

  I shrugged. “Of the assignment? Not really. But I managed to avoid thinking for most of the afternoon.” That part was true. My emailing session with Simon had been great for distracting my thoughts.

  “Cass and the twins are on their way over.” I informed him. Tom groaned, making me giggle. It was no secret he wasn't the biggest fan of the twins. I couldn't blame him. They were loud, sometimes they were crude, and they were often obnoxious. However, Cass loved them, so I did my best to tolerate them. Tom, however, did not have my patience.

  “Uh, no offence, but I'm outta here.” He kissed me on the cheek and stood up. I followed him to the door. “I will call you later.” I rolled my eyes. He was such a wuss.

  Cass was one of the best people I knew. Both she and Tom were two of the most selfless, caring people who would do anything for a friend, and just as much for a stranger.

  Cass had been like a rock for me. I didn't know where I'd be without her in my life. We spoke about everything, from boys, to parents, to intimate details of the attack. She and Tom were the only two people not to treat me differently afterwards. Even those that didn't know avoided me on the basis of one of the many rumours flying around the school. One of my earliest memories was making friends with Tom on the first day of grade one before classes started. He'd just sort of attached himself to me, cheering me up with his humour. At lunchtime, Tom had noticed Cass crying by herself into her sandwich, and called her over to join us. The three of us had been best friends ever since.

  One thing I loved most about our relationship was living vicariously through Cass's love life. She was such a beautiful girl, as much on the outside as she was inside. With her stunning figure, tumbling mane of red hair and big blue eyes that could light up a room, she had guys lining up for her attention everywhere she went. Every week she had a different story about a boy she had hooked up with. I got more entertainment out of listening to Cass than any reality show could ever provide for me.

  Between the stories I'd heard from her and Gran, I was pretty sure I never wanted to date again.

  Chapter Three

  My heart twinged as I read over Simon's messages. Did I really have a crush after a few simple flirty emails? Or was I just reading into things to avoid thinking about Derek?

  God maybe my grandmother was right, maybe I did need to get laid. I glanced at the clock on the oven. Almost eight. The girls would be here soon, though probably fifteen minutes late, knowing Cass. In all my life I'd never met anyone as unaware of time as Cass. She was never on time, to the point where Tom and I often told her fifteen minutes earlier so we didn't have to wait.

  I put the finishing touches on the food, and carried them over to the table with Carol darting in and out of my legs like it was a race. I swear the cat was trying to trip me.

  “Okay Carol, come over here.”

  She bounced over to her food bowl and waited anxiously while I poured in some biscuits. I swear she looked up at me gratefully as she chewed down mouthfuls of salmon flavoured delights.

  I could hear the girls giggling in the hallway five minutes before they reached my apartment. I did what I had to when anyone other than my tight circle of friends came over. I popped a pill. I waited anxiously for them to reach the door. Do I open now? Do I wait? The indecision was making me feel sick. The pill was slowly kicking in, I could feel the anxiety easing. I know longer felt like it was suffocating me. Now it was just there. Waiting.

  “There are other residents to consider, you know, girls. Get in here.” I teased, holding the door open. I forced a smile. They shuffled in, kissing and hugging me on the way.

  “Mel was just telling us about her new boyfriend.”

  “I’ve seen him twice. He is hardly my boyfriend.” She argued, unable to keep the smile off her face. They shuffled out of their coats and hung them on the back of the door.

  “Tell me about him. How did you meet?” I pushed them toward the couch, motioning to the food and glasses. I just needed them to sit down and focus on something that wasn't me. Cass set the alcohol down on the table, and poured a glass of wine for each of us. She glanced at me. I knew my mask didn't work on her. She was too in tune with me.

  “There is not much to tell. I met him at the gym. He is a few years older than me, he works in a stockbroking firm.” She shrugged her shoulders. “He’s nice. I'm seeing him again on Sunday.”

  We all giggled at Mel's attempts to sound casual. She was clearly crushing on the guy. I began to settle down as the girls chatted amongst themselves. It was enough just to reduce it down to a level I could handle. My nerves were slowly settling back into their places. The anxiety never left though. I rarely felt no effects of the anxiety, even with the medication.

  “I haven't seen you this way since Bill Pompton in year six.” Kally snorted, ducking as her sister tried to swat her.

  “Bill Pompton!” shrieked Mel, laughing. She stomped her feet in delight. “I was, what, twelve? I just wanted the bastard to kiss me! All he wanted to do was play computer games.”

  I caught Cass staring at me again. She smiled, and winked, tucking a loose strand of red hair behind her ear. That was Cass all over. Any social situation I was involved in, she'd spend more time was checking in on me than she did enjoying herself. I had trouble joking about my childhood, and she knew that. I'd missed out on the little crushes and boyfriends and stuff like that. I couldn't blame Mel though. It wasn't like she knew. Why shouldn't she share her latest crush with her friends? I listened to the girls chatter away while I grabbed a handful of DVDs from the cabinet. I thrust them at Cass. I squeezed her hand as she took them from me, my way of telling her I was okay.

  “You choose.” I instructed, falling into my seat, already exhausted. I felt my phone fall out of my pocket. Fishing around under the cushion I pulled out a crunchie wrapper, a hair tie, and finally, my phone, or rather Tom's phone. Carol appeared out of nowhere like a ninja to take possession of the hair tie, before flying into my bedroom.

  I had handled my phone more today than I had in the last year. All because of a boy, or rather a man. A man I hoped had replied to my email.

  Emma,

  Wow. Fantastic work. You don't need my help at all. I love the way you manage to get right inside the victims head, you certainly did your research on this one. With the second piece, I shouldn't do this, but I have attached some court documents from a recent case I was working on. This, along with what you can find in the media, along with the victim impact statement should be enough to finish the essay.

  On another note, email me any time. I can imagine how hard it would be to be at home all the time. If you ever just want a fri
end to chat to, I'm your guy.

  Simon.

  I read, and re-read the email over and over. My heart pounded, my palms felt sweaty. He's my guy? I blushed. Wow, twenty and my first crush, I thought. It was all the symptoms of a panic attack, but in a good way. I wanted to know everything about him. Cass had finally decided on The Notebook, and was rolling through the credits. She glanced over my way.

  “You ready?”

  “Just a minute.” I flicked my laptop open. Simon Anderson, NYC University. The first site was the school homepage. After navigating my way to the Professors page, I clicked on his profile and gasped.

  “What is it?”

  Shit. I needed to reign in my gasps. They attracted way too much attention. I swirled around in my chair, trying to block the screen off. Cass had appeared from nowhere. She pushed my arms aside and squinted at the screen.

  “What is-Why are you looking up Professor Anderson?” She looked confused. I blushed, not sure of what to say.

  “He was helping me with an assignment. I just wanted to see what he looked like, and what he does.” I explained as Cass sat down next to me.

  “You could have just asked me.” she reminded. “I took the class too.”

  Shit. I'd forgotten about that. Could I look any more like an idiot right now? I nodded numbly, mumbling something incoherent about essays.

  “So?”

  “So what?”

  Cass gestured to the screen. “What do you want to know? He's hot. He is in his forties I think.” She paused. “Or maybe late thirties. He only does the one lecture a week. He works for the District Attorney’s office. And” She paused again, taking a breath. “He is an asshole.”

  She was right. About the hotness. He was hot. Extremely hot, with thick, luscious dark hair that my hands just wanted to dive into, and piercing green eyes. The way he filled out his suit made my legs buckle. I scanned through his profile. He was 38. Married? Damn. My heart fell.