So Many Reasons Why

by Missy Johnson

  I knelt down in front of her. She looked at me suspiciously, her little white knuckles gripping Simon’s leg.

  “You look very pretty today.” I said to her. She smiled, stepping forward proudly, momentarily forgetting her shyness.

  “I picked it myself too.” She announced, twirling so I could get the full effect of her outfit. Just like that, her guarded exterior was gone. We were friends.

  “She screamed when I tried to change her leggings.” Simon rolled his eyes. “I couldn't even bribe her with candy.”

  “And so you shouldn't!” I chided. “A four year old with a sugar high is never a good thing.” Simon glanced over at the mountain of fairy bread sitting on the counter.

  “Really?” He raised his eyebrows, amused. Maybe I wasn’t in the best position to lecture him, the amount of sugar piled into my little triangles of bread would horrify my dentist.

  “That was the only thing I had the ingredients to make.” I flushed. “It's not like you gave me much notice.”

  “So do you make fairy bread often? I mean, you had all the ingredients already.” He added. I blushed again. Laughing, Simon carried Maddie over to the couch. I followed with the fairy bread and drinks.

  “Maddie, this is daddy’s friend, Emma.” Maddie looked up at me with her huge blue eyes. When she smiled, I could see she was missing one of her front teeth.

  “No daddy, Emma is my friend.” Maddie replied. I held out a slice of fairy bread. I'd picked the bit with the most pink. Simon rolled his eyes again. It didn’t take much to convert her to team Emma.

  “I’ve lost my girlfriend to a four year old.” He muttered under his breath. I glanced at him.

  Did he just say girlfriend?

  He winked at me. I smiled, turning my attention back to my new friend.

  “Maddie, would you like a slice?” Maddie leaned forward slightly, her expression still serious. She inspected the sprinkles on the bread.

  She seemed satisfied with the amount of pink and nervously took the slice from me. I smiled at Simon as she bit into the bread, sending a cascade of sprinkles onto the couch. I giggled.

  “You are amazing.” He whispered softy to me, ruffling Maddie's hair.

  “Girlfriend, hey?” Simon flushed, only now realising what he’d said. He rolled his eyes as I laughed, enjoying his discomfort. His eyes were firmly fixed on me. Maddie and I had gone from friends to best buddies as we sat down of the floor to play dolls. Simon watched on in amusement, shaking his head at me. I didn't care.

  This was awesome. I loved dolls.

  We played for a while, until she felt sleepy. She climbed onto the couch and fell asleep. Simon waited until she was snoring softly. He turned to me. He shook his head at me. He did that a lot. I was finally accepting that was a good thing.

  “Have I mentioned how amazing I think you are?” He said again. What was that, the fourth time today?

  “Yes, it’s not the first time I’ve heard about this amazing girlfriend of yours.” Simon chuckled. He reached for my hand, pulling me back against him. Honestly though, I was happy to hear it as often as he wanted to say it. I fiddled with the drawstring on my top. Meeting Maddie today had been a huge step for me. It made me sad, realising all the things I'd miss out on in Simon and Maddie's lives if I couldn't break out of myself.

  “Yes, I consider you my girlfriend. Do you have a problem with that?”

  “Nope. No problem with that at all.” He kissed my forehead, the touch of his lips sending my senses into overdrive.

  “How are you feeling, Em?”

  “I’m good.” And I was feeling good.

  “Really? I know the hearing date is getting closer. I want to help you. Please let me help you in any way I can.” His voice was so gentle, he continued to kiss me softly, working his lips down my neck. How had I managed to woo such a wonderful guy?

  “I am better than I thought I’d be. Dr Mellow has me working toward getting past the agoraphobia.”

  “Mellow? Doctor Mellow?” Simon stopped kissing me and started laughing. “You’re telling me your psychiatrists name is Mellow? Seriously?”

  “Yes, his name is Mellow.” I giggled, running my hand through his hair as he rested his head on my shoulder. “He’s an interesting guy, but he helps.” Finally Simon composed himself. He tilted my head slightly and placed his lips on mine.

  “You deserve all the help in the world Emma.”

  “Who's the bitch?”

  I tense, knowing he is talking about me. I can't see his face now, but I know he is looking at me. They both are. I can feel their eyes.

  “None of your fucking business. Take your money and fuck off.” His anger ripples through me. I start to shake. I try and cry as quietly as I can. I hear the door close, then the footsteps get louder as he nears me on the bed.

  “Now where were we?” He kicks my legs apart and bends down over me.

  "No!" I scream, thrashing my arms. "Get away from me."

  "Em! You're okay." I opened my eyes, brought back to reality by the sound of Simon's soothing voice. He held me close. I was shaking. I struggled to catch my breath.

  "A nightmare?" He asked gently. I didn't answer. Poor Maddie sat perched on the other side of Simon, looking terrified.

  “I'm sorry Maddie. I didn't mean to scare you.” I gave her a smile to let her know I was okay. Simon didn't look convinced. Neither did poor little Maddie.

  “That's okay Emma. I get scared too sometimes.” She looked up at me with her big innocent eyes. I almost cried. I'd once been an innocent child too. “Maybe daddy should check under your bed for monsters?”

  Simon and I looked at each other, both of us had the same look of adoration on our faces. She was just too cute.

  “Maybe I should check out you're bed. Just to be safe. We don’t want monsters jumping you in the middle of the night.” Simon murmured, a sexy smile on his face. To my surprise, he stood up, turning to me expectantly. “Well come on.” Maddie giggled as Simon and I disappeared into the bedroom. I slapped him.

  “What was that for?” He protested, pleading his innocence, his sly smile giving him away.

  “Being inappropriate in front of your daughter.” I muttered, kissing him. We kissed for a good five minutes. Finally he broke away from me.

  “Em? The nightmares. Are they often?” I took a step back. I hadn't been expecting that. I didn't want to lie, but I wasn't sure I was ready to admit they were an issue.

  “Often.” I finally responded. Simon just nodded. He backed away from me and knelt down, checking under the bed.

  “For monsters.” He reminded me. I laughed and pulled him to his feet. I pulled him into me, kissing him with such force and passion we were both breathless.

  “Wow.” He raised his eyebrows and shook his head. “I like you.” I giggled, and followed him back out to the living room.

  My mind slipped back to the nightmare. Again, not much to remember. A man standing over me. I couldn't move. My parents thought my nightmares had stopped years ago. That was just when I'd learnt to hide them.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I stared at the ceiling.

  Would setting my alarm for another hour really be that bad? I glanced at the alarm clock, which was taunting me with random beeps.

  11:04

  Mom and Gran would be here in an hour. If I didn't have a spread of food ready they'd both think something was wrong. And they'd be right. I was so, so in love it was driving me crazy. Literally. I was going crazy. I needed him near me, yet I couldn't stop thinking about the other day.

  Too close. Too soon. I wondered if I'd ever feel ready. The feelings I felt when I was with Simon were so intense. When I wasn't with him, he was all I thought about. And when I was with him, all I thought about was being with him. And when were together, all I did was freak out.

  I was such a nut job. If he knew what was good for him, he'd forget about me and move on. I sighed and climbed out of bed. I was not in the mood for anything today. Not even gra
n. All I wanted was to curl up in bed and for the day to be over. As messed up as I was, it was pretty rare for me to be feeling this depressed. I contemplated calling mom and cancelling lunch. I knew gran looked forward to our weekly lunches, and so did I.

  After a shower I felt better. Doctor Mellow always said whenever I felt down, I should do something that feels nice to distract myself from the negative thoughts. I was surprised how effective it was, considering that twenty minutes ago all I wanted to do was nothing.

  “Oh Emma, this is lovely.” The smile on grans face made the effort I'd put into the chocolate cake worth it. I'd figured I needed something chocolaty, and what better than chocolate cake. Mom nodded her approval as she reached for a second slice. I raised my eyebrows at her and grinned.

  “I didn't have much breakfast.” She said defensively. I rolled my eyes. Mom was forever going on about her weight, and dieting, even though she was the perfect weight for her height and had never had a problem with being overweight.

  “You look happy today Emma.” I almost laughed at mom's comment. She was right though. I did feel really good now. It may or may not have had something from the message I received from Simon.

  I cannot wait to meet those lips of yours tonight. You are incredible.

  It was exactly what I needed. That and the cake. I listened as Gran told me about her latest man, Stanley. Stanley was sixty-eight, and still lived with his parents, who were ninety-one and ninety-four. I hadn't seen her this worked up over a man since Pop.

  “Grandmother, you cannot possibly date a man whose parents are younger than you. That's just embarrassing!” Mom shook her head. She looked disgusted. I gulped down my cake. “And who still lives at home at that age?”

  “I'll have you know that he is looking after his parents so they don't have to be put into care. And who are you to tell me who I can and cannot date. I may be 96, but I am still your grandmother. You cannot help who you fall in love with, not that you'd know anything about that.”

  I glanced at gran curiously. What had she meant by that? Mom and Dad had been married for years. Mom gasped, her eyes wide with anger. I had no idea what was going on here, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

  “More tea?” I asked loudly. Very loudly. Both mom and gran looked at me in surprise. I smiled at them. Yes, that's right, I'm still here.

  Mom stood up, a forced smile on her face. “Thanks for lunch honey, but I have a doctors’ appointment to get to so we best be going.” I narrowed my eyes suspiciously and followed them to the door. I was pretty sure mom was telling a little fib, but I wasn't about to call her out on it.

  Besides, this conversation had turned very awkward. I welcomed the escape from it.

  “Hey you.” I smiled into my phone. I'd set him his own ringtone. I couldn't handle the anxiety of knowing my phone was on, for anyone to call. Tom had shown me how I could have it on silent for everyone but Simon.

  “Hey Em. I need to ask a huge, huge favour of you.” Simon sounded tired and stressed.

  “What's up?” I asked, concerned. “What can I do?”

  “I need to question a witness now, before they leave the country. Are you able to mind Maddie for a few hours, if I drop her past? She won't be any trouble, I promise.”

  “Sure. I'd love that Simon” The idea of spending the next few hours with Maddie and her dolls sounded perfect. She was such a lovely little girl, any nerves I’d had about getting to know her had already vanished, after only one meeting. I must admit, I loved that Simon trusted me enough to leave her with me.

  I quickly tidied the already clean house. I’d just gone over the freshly mopped floor with a towel (so it didn’t look like I’d just mopped it) when my phone rang. Fishing it out of my pocket, I saw it was Cass.

  “Hey.” I breathed, racing with the towel down to the laundry hamper.

  “You sound puffed. Wait, Simon is not there is he?” I rolled my eyes at her snide remark.

  “No, he is not here, but Maddie will be soon. I am babysitting.”

  “Wow. You guys move fast.” She whistled. “So I was thinking of coming over tonight if you’re free?”

  “Sounds good. Maddie might still be here. I’m not sure what time Simon will get away.”

  “That’s cool. I will save my sexual dramas for after she goes home.”

  “Sounds ominous.” I giggled. The doorbell rang. “Look, I have to go, but definitely, come over whenever you’re ready.”

  “Thanks I owe you big for this.” Simon said gratefully, carrying a smiling Maddie into the apartment. “Maddie, you remember Daddy’s friend, Emma?”

  “Daddy, Emma is my friend, not yours.” She spoke in a tone that voiced her frustrations. Her curls were up today in a ponytail tied with a pink ribbon. The pink matched her dress exactly. The outfit was finished with a white cardigan. I was pretty sure she hadn't picked her own outfit today. Simon shook his head, and kissed both of us.

  “Hey Maddie. What's your dolls name?” I pointed to the two cabbage patch dolls she was cradling in her arms. She giggled and introduced me to Lily and Lucy. “Are they twins?”

  “No Silly.” giggled Maddie. “Lucy is older. By two years. She's six and Lily is Four.”

  “Wow, can I hold Lily?” I smiled at Simon who was sneaking out the door. Maddie nodded, handing Lily to me.

  “You need to be careful. She hurt her arm today.” Maddie frowned as she pointed to the dolls elbow.

  “How did that happen?” I knelt down and cradled the doll in my arms. “Poor Lily.” I soothed, kissing her arm.

  “I dropped her down the steps.” Maddie looked up at me with her big, serious, blue eyes. She looked so upset I wanted to pick her up and cuddle her.

  “Tell you what.” I began, handing her back Lily. “You go sit on the couch, I will grab some band aids, and some special healing cream and we will fix Lily right up.” Maddie nodded and smiled. She raced off to the couch. I found the band aids, and a bottle of hand cream.

  “Here we go.” I patched Lily's elbow up with the band aids and cream. “Is that fixed?” Maddie reached for the doll and carefully inspected her elbow. Finally she nodded.

  “It's fixed.” She agreed, her tone still serious.

  “Why don't the four of us watch a movie?” I walked her over to my DVD collection and let her choose one. She chose Aladdin, an old favourite. Soon, both of us and the two dolls were curled up on the couch. I glanced over at Maddie. She was fast asleep, her head resting on a cushion, both dolls tucked under her arms. She looked adorable.

  A wave of sadness swept over me. Looking at Maddie now suddenly made me realise what I would be missing not being able to have kids of my own. Did Simon want more children? I had seen how he acted with Maddie, he was a wonderful father. My phone interrupted my thoughts.

  Simon.

  “Hello.” I spoke quietly, not wanting to wake sleeping Maddie.

  “Hey Em, how are things going? I hope she is behaving for you.”

  “She has been no trouble. Fast asleep on the couch.” I glanced back at Maddie. Her little curls hung over her face, and her thumb had found its way into her slightly open mouth. “How are you? How is the case going?”

  “God, it’s going to be a long night.” He dragged each word out, showing the frustration he was feeling about his case. “Em, Are you okay if Claire stops by to pick up Maddie? If you’re not, please tell me. I know it’s a bit weird, but there is no way I’m going to get away before midnight.”

  “Sure, that’s fine.” I fought to keep my tone even. Inside, my mind was screaming. Claire? Here? Was he serious? His ex-wife coming to my house to pick up their daughter? How could he possibly think I’d be okay with that? “Don’t worry about it, it’s completely fine.” I heard myself saying.

  “You are wonderful. I will call you later.” Hanging up the phone, I was overcome with fear. What the hell? Why did he think that would be an okay thing to ask? And more to the point, why the hell did I say yes? After texting Cass to tell her no
t to come over, I forced myself to sit down. The ten minutes that passed until there was a knock on the door felt like hours.

  “Hello. You must be Claire.” Who was I kidding? I knew this was Claire from the Google pics. She smiled and shook my outstretched hand.

  “Emma. It is wonderful to finally meet you. Simon has told me so much about you.” Even after a full day at work, this woman looked inhumanely stunning. Why did she have to be so damn nice? At least I could justify hating her if she was a bitch. But no, she had to be one of the nicest people I’d ever met.

  “Maddie is sleeping on the couch. Would you like a coffee?

  “Emma, really. I don’t want to impose on you anymore than I already am.”

  “Really, it’s no bother. I was just about to have one anyway.” I felt myself liking this woman more as each moment passed, and it was driving me crazy.

  “Okay. White with one then, thanks.” She glanced around the apartment. “This is a wonderful place. It’s so quiet compared to the rest of the city.” The tranquillity was part of the reason I chose this area when moving out. I loved that I could be so close to everything, but be so far away at the same time.

  “Thanks.” She took the mug I held out to her with a smile. A perfectly white smile complete with dimples. “Emma. This must be really strange for you. I promise I am not in the habit of putting my nose into Simon’s relationships.” I couldn’t help but smile back. She was a really easy person to get along with.

  “I’m sorry if I seem a little stand offish. You are right, this is a little strange, but I am glad you came. It really is nice to finally meet you.” I followed Claire over to the sofa. She leaned down and kissed Maddie’s forehead, then sat down. “She is such a sweet girl.” I said, nodding toward Maddie.

  “She is. Sometimes she knows it too.” Claire agreed. We spent the next little while chatting about Maddie, Claire’s work, my studies, and Simon. Glancing at the clock, I was surprised to see it was past 11 o’clock. We had been chatting for over an hour.