So Many Reasons Why

by Missy Johnson

  “He does help me. But it’s more than that. I think I am finally beginning to get that things will happen regardless of whether I lock myself away. Staying in this house doesn’t make me immune from pain. Or hurt.” I wiped away a stray tear. “Knowing this is one thing though. Implementing it is a whole other story.”

  Doctor Mellow patted me on the back. “You’ll get there Emma.”

  Chapter Twenty

  I waited a good ten minutes before opening the front door. I wouldn't have put it past them to set up camp outside my front door. I'm sure the neighbours would have loved that. I focused on the wallpaper in the hallway. I was safe. I could do this. I needed to do this. Gingerly, I stepped out of the comfort of my home. I left the door open. I felt better knowing the door was open and ready for me. My heart was racing. I thought of Simon, and how much faith he had in me. In his eyes, I was everything.

  “Come on Em, deep breaths.” I pushed myself to take the next step. I was clutching onto the wall frame, but it didn't matter.

  I was outside of my home, by myself. I focused on the elevator. Exactly eleven steps away. I concentrated on my breathing and took another step. I tried to block all the negative thoughts trying to bang their way into my head. I took a third step. I was struggling to breathe. My airway felt narrower than a straw. If I didn't calm down, I was going to pass out.

  I steadied myself against the wall, and turned back toward my apartment. I crawled along the wall, on the verge of hyperventilating. Stop it Em. Focus on taking each step. You can do this.

  My inner voice was working overtime with the encouragement. I made it back into the apartment. My back pushed against the door, closing it with force. My fingers struggled to with the locks, they were shaking so much.

  But it didn't matter. I'd done it. I'd taken the first step. The first three steps in fact. Next time it would be more. I was so proud of myself. At that moment, I felt like nothing could drag me down. I felt like the woman Simon saw me as.

  I pressed my head against the door.

  “Em? It’s me.” Simon's voice filtered through the door as he pounded on it. Hard. I wondered which of my so called friends had jumped on the phone first. My money was on Cass.

  Bitch.

  “Change your tone, or piss off.” I grumbled. He was angry. I let out a breath and stood up. If he'd come only a few minutes earlier, he would have caught me outside. I rolled my eyes. Caught me outside? What was I, five? I leaned on the door, waiting for him to reply.

  “Come on babe, let me in.” His voice softened. Grudgingly, I opened the door. He handed me one of the two coffees he juggled, and threw a bag on the bench. I headed straight for the bag.

  “Donuts?” I said hopefully

  “Bagels.” He replied dryly. “You don't deserve donuts.”

  “Yeah?” I challenged, a mouth full of bagel “What are you going to do, spank me?”

  “Don't tempt me, I am so annoyed right now. And worried.” He looked up at me. He wasn't that annoyed, I could see that. He was worried though. Worried enough to leave work to bring me coffee and bagels. But not worried enough for donuts apparently. I sighed. Even though I'd known this was coming, it annoyed me how suffocating everyone was becoming.

  “Simon. I am only going to say this once. I don't want constant protection. This guy will be out permanently. I will not live any more isolated than I already do.” I decided not to mention my little outing. Somehow I didn't think he'd be as impressed as I was.

  “Yeah, he'll be out until he does it again.” Simon muttered under his breath.

  “What was that?” My voice was sharp. “Are you trying to make me break down?” I threw my hands up in the air. I turned and leaned against the marble bench top.

  “For fucks sake Emma, do you know how many times I see this? I would bet my life on this guy re-offending within a month.”

  “Gee way to make a girl feel better.” The cup I'd been rolling in my hands fell to the ground, saved only by the red shaggy rug Cass had brought me as a housewarming present last year. I bent down to retrieve it.

  “Please. For me. At least have the squad car out the front. Please.” He was almost begging. I began to relent. He was scaring me, with all his knowledge. If recidivism rates were that high, maybe a car out front would be a good idea.

  Stubborn Emma didn't want to give in though.

  “No.” I argued. “Why should-”

  The sound of the home phone ringing scared the shit out of me. I couldn't remember the last time it had rung. Everyone just used my mobile. I felt that pit of anxiety fill my stomach. Simon reached for the phone, sensing my discomfort. I quickly checked my mobile. No messages.

  “Hello?” I watched Simon's features change almost instantly. “Who is this?” He asked harshly.

  “No, you listen to me. You print that, you will have a law suit on your hands. No. No comment.”

  “What?” I asked as Simon slammed the phone down and then ripped it out of the socket. Finally, he threw it against the wall. I had never seen him so angry. He threw his hands up, resting them behind his head, muttering obscenities under his breath.

  “Please Simon. You're scaring me.” He looked back at me, as if just remembering I was there. He walked over, hugging me close. I pushed him away. “Simon. Tell me.”

  “That was the New York Post.” He sighed. “They are running a story tomorrow about the Assistant DA slash professor having an affair with a student.” He shook his head savagely. “Apparently we are front page news.”

  The story in the post coincided with a brief article on the release of Derek Moosly. The release of a child rapist was not as newsworthy as this scandal, apparently. The only saving grace was that nobody had connected the dots about my past. That would have been too much.

  The story was bad. Really bad. I was mentioned by name, as was Simon. My nerves were shot. It was bad enough that all my family would know. The thought of him knowing made me feel sick. He knew where to find me, and intimate details of my life. I was struggling to imagine how things could possibly get any worse.

  “Hi.” My voice was sympathetic. He would only ring this early if he'd seen the paper too.

  “Have you read it?” His voice was dead. Void of anger, anxiety or any other emotion. He sounded like he had been through the ringer and lost. He sounded like he had given up. The thought of losing him was too much to bear. I could feel the tears beginning their downward trek.

  “I've read it.” He sighed. “So has the DA. I have a meeting in half an hour. The university has suspended me. I guess I deserve that though.” He laughed harshly.

  “I'm so sorry, Simon.” If he'd only stayed the hell away from me, none of this would be happening.

  “Hey. Don't you dare blame yourself. You are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I knew the repercussions before we got into this.” His voice grew soft.

  “What if…” I didn't want to say it. “What if your boss asks you to end it with me?” I spoke in a small voice.

  “I wouldn't do it. I can get another job. You and Maddie first. Always.” He said it so simply. “I love my job, but I love you more.” He paused. “I'd walk away from everything before I'd walk away from you.”

  “Simon, if they tell you to cool it off, just for a while, do it, okay?” There was a long silence. I wasn't sure if he had heard me. “Simon?”

  “I heard you.” He said harshly. “And no, they can fuck off if they think they can run my life.”

  “I get it Simon, I really do, but I don't want to be the reason you gave up what you loved doing. Especially if it was only a short term thing. I know we could get through a short break apart. I know us. I love you” The truth was, I was terrified he would one day wake up hating me. Maybe not consciously, but I'd be the reason he gave up his life.

  And what if I couldn't handle this? I was messed up. Who knew if that would be too much for either of us in a few years?

  “I will think about it and see what they say.”
He relented, yawning. He sounded severely sleep deprived. This was going to be one hell of a day for him. I pulled the curtain back slightly on the front window. I widened my eyes.

  “Shit Simon, there must be ten or more reporters outside my apartment block.” I gasped.

  “I thought there might be. I have been dodging them all morning. And its only 10:30.” he added. “Listen, don't let anyone in today, not without them calling you first. I'd tell you not to go out either, but I know there is no chance of that.” He chuckled, which made me smile. I loved it when he laughed. Even if it was at my expense.

  “Simon.” My voice trembled at the mention of his name. “Do you think the story...Do you think he read it? And recognised me?” Simon didn't answer for what felt like an eternity.

  “He might have.” I bit my lip. Shit, now I felt worse. Was it too late to ask for the 24 hour suffocation?

  “Em, if the guy was planning on targeting you, this would've made no difference. And if he wasn't planning on targeting you, this article certainly wouldn't change his mind.” As logical as that sounded, I couldn't help but feel he was just saying that to make me feel better.

  “Look Em, I have to go. I will call as soon as I can. Get Cass or Tom over there now.”

  While I waited for Cass to return my call, I checked my email. Wow. She had replied. I hadn’t expected an answer at all, let alone so quickly. Suddenly I felt nervous, and I couldn’t explain why. I barely knew my aunt, yet something about the circumstances surrounding her and my father’s loss of communication made me feel uneasy. I clicked on the email.

  Emma,

  To say it was a surprise hearing from you would be an understatement. I am so glad you decided to get in contact with me. Believe it or not, I think about you every day and wonder how you are going. I last saw you when you were a little girl, I can only imagine the young woman you have grown into.

  I want to hear all about you and your family, and I hope one day you can meet mine.

  Love and best wishes,

  Maria.

  Staring at the screen, I found myself smiling, so glad that Simon pushed me into reaching out to her. It felt surreal, having a whole section of family that I’ve never really known. I tapped out a response, detailing all of my life up until this point, omitting the attack and the current issues. That stuff was way too heavy for a second email. I didn’t want to risk scaring her off. I thought about asking her what the deal was between her and dad. In the end, I decided against it. Whatever it was, now was probably not the time to drag up old wounds.

  Asking Cass over was a good move. After she'd battled her way through the reporters, she turned up on my doorstep with chocolate and ice cream like any best friend would. I hugged her.

  “You okay?” She smiled at me, and kissed my forehead. I nodded, sniffling back tears.

  “Did you see the paper?” I asked, embarrassed. She nodded. She reached out and rubbed my arm.

  “Who cares? That will blow over in no time. They will move onto the next story soon. I’m sure some overpaid, talentless actress will have an alcohol and drug fuelled bender soon enough. Speaking of which” She held up a copy of Mean Girls. I laughed in spite of myself. That was Cass, always positive.

  “I’m worried Derek saw the article.” I admitted. Again, she nodded.

  “He is not stupid enough to come back here and wind himself back in jail.” Cass scoffed angrily. I wish I shared her confidence.

  Cass put on a movie. We laughed our way through Confessions of a Shopaholic when my phone buzzed. I checked the number before answering. It was only a matter of time before the reporters got a hold of that too.

  “Hey.” I smiled. I was so glad to hear Simon's voice.

  “Hey you.” He tried to sound light, but I knew something was up.

  “What is it?” I felt my stomach tense. Bad news. It was always bad news.

  “They want me to keep my distance from you until this blows over. A week or two they reckon.” I heard him sigh. This was as hard for him as it was for me.

  “That's not too bad is it? I was expecting months.” I tried to lighten the mood. This was good news right?

  “There is more. They say they can't allow the protection order I had put out on you. “

  “Oh.”

  “Shit Em, we will work this out. I don't care if I have to park outside your apartment every night myself. Or his.” He added spitefully. “Though if I'm ten feet from him I reckon I might kill the bastard.” He muttered. “I have to go Em, I will email you later. Love you.”

  I didn't even have time to say I love you back. I told myself to focus on the good. I'd only have to go a week or so with Simon. I could do that.

  “So, what did he say?” I jumped, forgetting Cass was there. I relayed the story to her. I left out the part of him wanting to kill Derek, not entirely convinced that was a joke.

  “Oh Em, let me and Tom take care of you, please? You would do it for either of us in a heartbeat.” That was true. Roles reversed, she wouldn't have a choice. I’d be cuffing her to her bed if necessary.

  “Okay.” I said, too tired to argue any more. Not only that, I was scared. Really scared. “Hey so what's with you and Tom anyway?” Their odd behaviour flashed back into my mind. I’d been meaning to ask her for days what was going on.

  “What do you mean?” Her face flushed bright red. I stared at her. I'd never seen Cass blush.

  “Come on, I need a distraction.” I begged. Making her feel sorry for me was the easiest way to get information out of her. She was hiding something, and I wanted to know what it was.

  “Oh I really like him Em. With your history, I didn't want to, you know.”

  “Our history? Cass we have never really been anything more than good friends.” I laughed. “If you want to tap that, go for it.”

  Cass glared at me. “There's no use anyway, he doesn't even know I exist.” She said in despair. “Not like that, anyway.” She shook her head, red locks flying everywhere. Tom really was daft sometimes. He had a beautiful girl like Cass right in front of him and he didn't even know it.

  “I will talk to him.” I decided.

  “No!” Cass shrieked, throwing a cushion at me. “I'd die of embarrassment. I don't want a pity date. I couldn't think of anything worse!” She buried her face in the cushion I'd just thrown at her.

  “Okay, settle down, I won’t say anything.” I crossed my fingers behind my back. Payback for calling Simon the other day maybe? I giggled. Cass caught my smile.

  “I swear, Emma Mancelli....” She warned, her blue eyes blazing, figuring what I was up to. I smiled at her innocently.

  “I won’t say a word.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “What did you want to talk about?” Tom threw me a beer. Cass had gone to work, leaving Tom to babysit me. A perfect time for my plan to take hold. My match-making was proving to be a great distraction.

  “Nothing, just thought we could catch up. How are you going?” I tried unscrewing my beer. Stupid top. I put the bottle under my jumper to give more traction. Finally it twisted off.

  “I'm good.” Tom replied slowly, eyeing me with suspicion.

  “Seeing anyone?” I asked casually. I picked the lint off my blue jacket. Yep. That was me. I was the queen of acting casual.

  “What? What is this Em? Since when are you interested in my love life?” Tom looked really confused, and I didn't blame him. This was not going according to plan. I decided a more direct approach was needed.

  “Are you an idiot?” Okay, possibly too direct, judging by the bewildered expression on Tom's face. His mouth hung open in shock. “Are you even aware Cass is in love with you?” Tom’s mouth dropped lower. He snapped it shut, and opened it again. I giggled. He looked like a fish.

  “Say what? Where the hell did you get that idea?” He ran his hand through his dark hair, searching for signs he may have missed. “Holy shit, the other day.” He breathed.

  “She said she couldn't believe she had a c
rush on you.” I finished. There, the seed had been planted. And technically I hadn’t done anything wrong. She was the one who blurted that out to him. I had merely just reminded him. Like any good friend would. I left it at that. No more meddling from me, it was up to those two now to either get it together or fuck it up.

  “Love Hurts, or Psycho?” asked Tom, raiding my DVD cabinet. He held the two choices up. I screwed my face up, unsure of whether he was serious. Nobody could be that inconsiderate, could they?

  “Seriously? They're your choices?” I dragged myself out of my chair and over to the cabinet. I pulled out Bubble Boy. I tossed it at him. “You are a bad, bad friend.”

  “What, why?” He looked at his two choices, dumbfounded.

  “I can’t see my man for who knows how long, and my attacker just got released from prison.” Sometimes I wondered why I was friends with the guy. He made a face, obviously realising his insensitivity. “And you're offering up Psycho to me.”

  “Shit, sorry Em, I'm a dick.” He said, apologetically.

  “Just put the movie on, Tom.” I sighed, lying down on the couch.

  Halfway through the movie, which I just wasn't able to get into, I felt my phone vibrate. I glanced at Tom, he was glued to the screen. Simon. He'd sent me an email, just as he'd promised.

  Em,

  I hate not being able to be there with you, not just to be able to protect you, but because you are sexy, and I love you so much. I know, I know, I'm such a romantic, right?

  I hope you are okay, and not worrying too much about things. This will all blow over soon. And if it makes you feel any better, Derek has not left his sister’s house in Connecticut since his release. Just don't ask me how I know this. Just add it to the long list of rules I’ve broken for you.

  Love you,

  Simon.

  I smiled. I instantly felt better knowing Derek wasn't lurking in the bushes outside my apartment. And no doubt if he made any indication of heading toward New York, I'd hear about it.

  Simon,