So Many Reasons Why

by Missy Johnson

  “It's making me feel sick and I want it off. Now!” He ordered, his voice raised. This time he aimed the gun at me. I slipped the top over my head and threw it into the corner. The feel of his eyes on me made my stomach churn again. I crossed my arms over my chest, covering what I could of my pink lacy bra.

  “Pretty.” He licked his lips. He sneered at me, exposing his cracked rotten teeth. “Pink suits you.” He offered, as if he was trying to flirt with me. I looked away, repulsed. This man had controlled my life, my nightmares, for so long. He grinned. He was enjoying my response to his attention. He loved that I despised him.

  His eyes darted toward Mandy, as if he'd forgotten she was there. Slowly, he moved. Each step nearer to her than the last. Finally, as he stood right in front of her he grabbed a handful of her hair and forced her to stand up. Tears spilled from her eyes.

  “Please don't.” She begged. Ignoring her pleas he threw her onto the bed. He turned, facing me.

  “I tried, Emma. I tried to be good in prison. Out here I can’t handle it.” His voice cracked, as he positioned the gun under Mandy’s chin. Her eyes were filled with terror, silently begging me to help her. “I need to go back.” We both turned toward the door as it burst open with a bang. Police swarmed inside the small cabin.

  “Get away from the girl.” A gun aimed directly at Derek's head failed to deter him. He simply laughed.

  “You think I care if you shoot me? You think I care?” His voice was challenging. He clicked over the gun, ready to fire. I watched in horror as Mandy squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed. The sound of gunshots pierced my ears as I fell to the floor in a heap, my hands over my ears. I couldn’t look up.

  “Are you hurt?” My eyes cracked open ever so slightly. A kind looking policewoman was gently placing a blanket around my shoulders. I shook my head. Derek lay dead in the corner, a pool of blood forming around his abdomen.

  “I think I'm okay.” I struggled to control my breathing. I wasn't okay. My heart was racing and the room was spinning. But I was alive. I had faced my fears and lived.

  “Come on, you need oxygen.” She led me outside, squeezing me closer as we passed Derek’s body. An ambulance officer placed a mask over my mouth and guided me back onto a stretcher.

  “Emma?” Simon! I struggled to sit up, his hand pressed down gently on my shoulder.

  “Stay there baby. You need to rest. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere.” Tears welled in the corners of his eyes, threatening to make their escape.

  “Why are you crying?” I asked, reaching over to touch his tears. I wiped them away.

  “I'm just so happy you're okay. I couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to you.” He hesitated. “When I saw you had been trying to reach me, I was so worried. And then Gary-”

  “Gary!” I panicked, the memory of his lifeless body filling my mind. Simon shook his head.

  “He didn't make it.” He looked at me sadly. I thought about his wife. And his daughters. Simon enclosed his hand in mine.

  “I love you so much.” He said, his voice breaking.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “Hey you.” Simon leaned across the bed and kissed my lips softly. “Any idea on when you can get out of here? I want you back at my place. No arguments.”

  “I wasn't planning on arguing actually.” I said honestly. “I was hoping you'd offer.” Simon raised his eyebrows and smiled down at me. He shook his head in amazement.

  “You are always welcome. Any time. All the time even.” I couldn't tell from his expression what that meant. Had he just asked me to move in with him? Surprisingly, I liked that idea.

  “Hi Em.” I glanced around Simon to see Cass and Tom walking into the room. Strangely, I’d had more visitors here in hospital than I’d had the entire past year at home. The biggest shock of all was when my father walked into my room. It had taken almost losing me again for him to realise that he couldn’t just shut me out.

  “I’m so sorry Em. For not being the father you deserved.” He’d said, crying in the chair next to the bed. “I just want you to know, I’m seeing someone.” What? My face dropped. His eyes widened as he realised what I thought he meant. “No, no Em. I wouldn’t do that to your mother. A psychiatrist. I meant a psychiatrist.” I began to laugh, relieved that he hadn’t come in here to confess his infidelities.

  “Em, I’m going to fix our relationship. I promise you that. I am so sorry I didn’t let Maria into your life. I wanted to protect you so badly.” Then he’d left. In all, he’d stayed with me for all of five minutes, yet it was the most time I’d spent with him all year.

  “Hey guys.” I struggled to sit up to make room for Cass to sit. My whole body ached. I tried to ignore the pain that was writhing through my body. I was so happy to see them. And together? I raised my eyebrows at Cass. She blushed slightly.

  “Hey Simon, can you get me a water? And maybe take Tom with you?” He nodded, taking the hint.

  “So?” I asked once we were alone. Cass bit her lip, unsuccessfully trying to hide her smile.

  “Well, we are together. I think.” I squealed and did a little bed dance. Ouch. Ow, ow, ow! I grimaced in pain. Bed dances were a bad idea. I turned back to Cass and squealed again. Cass blushed an even deeper shade of red.

  “You are such an idiot. We have only been out a couple of times. I'm not even sure what it is yet.” I shrugged her protests off.

  “You two are meant for each other. Like Simon and me.” I paused, thinking about his earlier comment. “I think he asked me to move in.” Now it was Cass's turn to squeal.

  “Oh Em, I'm so happy for you.” She hugged me and kissed my cheek. I was happy too. The happiest I'd ever been.

  “What have we missed?” The boys wandered back in, Simon carrying a jug of iced water. He poured me a glass which I took gratefully. I was so thirsty.

  “Not much, Cass was just telling me about the hot guy she's dating.” I teased. Tom nodded smoothly, giving me a wink. I laughed.

  My doctor walked in, not bothering to look up from his folder. “Miss Mancelli?”

  Cass and Tom stood up.

  “We better get going.” Cass came over for another hug. “So glad you're okay Em.”

  “Thanks guys. Love you both.” I replied, giving Tom a kiss.

  “Right, Miss Mancelli. How are we feeling?” He still hadn't looked up from his notes. His bedside manner left something to be desired.

  “Not bad.” I raised my eyebrows at Simon, who suppressed a laugh. The doctor nodded, mumbling to himself.

  “Okay, we just need your blood pressure a little higher and then you're free to go. You and the baby are both fine. It’s just precautionary.”

  “Pardon?” Surely I hadn't heard him correctly. I glanced at Simon, who looked as shocked as I did. “Baby?” The doctor looked up, surprised. Well that got his attention.

  “You didn't know? I guess that’s not surprising. You are only about 3 weeks along.”

  Simon met my gaze. Shock. Amazement. Excitement. His eyes filled with tears. I finally breathed out. Wow. I'd spent so long coming to terms with never having a child, that hearing this news was nothing short of shocking.

  “We are going to have a baby.” I smiled at Simon. He smiled back.

  “We're having a baby.” He agreed, kissing me tenderly. I shook my head in amazement. Was this really happening?

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I rolled onto my side to snuggle up to Simon. The empty space was warm, indicating he hadn't long gotten up. I shuffled over to make the most of his remaining warmth.

  Two weeks had passed since Derek Moosly had been killed. Two weeks since I finally felt the hold he had over me begin to lift. I'd finally been released from hospital, Simon insisting he was moving in with me. I was still having trouble digesting the fact that I was pregnant. Both of us were. Simon had arranged an appointment with one of New York's top OB's for this morning. How he'd arranged a home call I do not know.

  “Hey baby.” I smiled as
Simon placed a cup of tea and two slices of buttered toast on my bedside table. He leaned down to kiss me. Even now I still received tingles every time he touched me.

  “Hi.” I replied, sitting up. I re-arranged the pillows behind me until they were just right. I took the toast. “I could get used to this pampering.”

  “I hope you do.” He winked. “Now the doc will be here in half an hour, so drink up and give me a yell when you're ready for a shower.”

  “I can shower myself.” I laughed.

  “I know.” He winked again. “I just like to watch.” I giggled. Could he sound anymore creepy? I watched him leave the room. I couldn't quite get over how wonderfully things were going.

  Simon and I.

  Tom and Cass.

  And now being pregnant. For the first time since the attack, I was beginning to enjoy life again. Mom and dad had visited me a few times now. It was a slow process, but we were getting to a point where we could be a family again. Some kind of family anyway. Maria and I were also in contact. We were taking things slow, but slow was better than nothing. If any of the last few weeks had taught me anything, it was that life was too short to shut people out. I finished my tea and toast, and tiptoed into the bathroom. I was halfway through my shower when I felt hands wrap around my waist.

  “You were supposed to call me.” Simon whispered sternly in my ear. I spun around, facing him. We kissed. He pushed me against the tiles, lifting me onto his hips. “We don't have time for this.” He groaned.

  “I heard you're very quick.” I whispered in his ear. He grinned at me.

  “You'll pay for that little insult later.” He said, amused. He smacked me on the bottom and pulled me from under the water. I grumbled, not ready to finish my shower just yet. He was right though. The doctor would be here soon.

  As the sonogram ran over my lubricated stomach the sound of a heartbeat filled my ears. Tears filled my eyes. My baby's heartbeat. I glanced over at Simon and saw he too was crying. He reached for my hand and squeezed it. Dr Lazonski cleared his throat. Both Simon and I looked at him. I felt the familiar sense of anxiety run through my body. He looked concerned. Why did he look concerned?

  “Peter?” prompted Simon nervously. His grip on my hand tightened.

  “The baby is fine. Heartbeat is strong.” He began. I felt Simon's grip ease slightly. “My concern is with you, Emma.”

  “Me?” I repeated, startled.

  “You have extensive scarring from your attack. Possibly the worst I've seen.” He added. “In this case I'd usually advise strongly for termination of the pregnancy.” His words hit me like a ton of bricks. Termination? Of my little miracle? How could he even suggest that?

  “No.” I shook my head with venom. I began to tremble. Simon snuggled closer to me. He was shaking too.

  “Emma, carrying this baby poses significant risks for both you and the baby. The chances of you delivering a full term baby are about 10%. More concerning for me at the moment is the strain this pregnancy would put on your body.”

  “But the fact that I managed to get pregnant is against the odds.” I whispered helplessly. How could I be given this chance and have it ripped away from me so soon?

  “Yes, you even getting pregnant is a medical miracle in itself.” Peter acknowledged. “The doctors wouldn't have seen the point in discussing the risks with you if you did happen to get pregnant.” He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. “Emma, the chances of you surviving this pregnancy are very slim.”

  I turned to Simon. I needed his support now more than ever. His eyes were filled with worry, for me, and for his baby growing inside me.

  “I can't.” I whispered, shaking my head. I silently pleaded with Simon to understand. I needed him to understand why I couldn't give up this chance.

  “Shh Em. We can talk about this later.” He soothed. I could see it though. In his eyes, in his expression. He was going to tell me to terminate the pregnancy. In his mind, even the slightest risk of losing me wasn't worth risking. I rolled over and snuggled into my blankets as Simon led the doctor out of the room. I could hear them talking in the kitchen. I pulled my pillow over my head so I didn't have to listen. I felt angry. How fucked up was the world to dangle this in front of me then tell me I couldn't have it. As much as I tried to bury my feelings about wanting a baby, they were always there. I gently rubbed over my stomach. There was no way I could go through with a termination. I'd rather risk dying than have to live with that for the rest of my life.

  “Em?” I yawned and rolled over and looked into Simon's face. “You fell asleep.” He explained, reaching for my hand. I smiled at him. I felt so lucky having him with me. Slowly, the events of the morning came back to me. I pulled my hand away slightly, searching for answers in his face.

  “Em.” He began pleadingly. I shook my head, knowing where this was going.

  “I can't, Simon. I just can't do it. Even the smallest percentage is reason enough for me to try.” I smiled through my tears. “Especially after hearing that little heartbeat.” Simon shook his head. He was crying even more heavily than I was.

  “What if something happens to you? To you both?” He wept. “I couldn't handle losing you. I don't care how selfish that sounds.”

  “Please Simon. I need you to help me through this. I need your support. I need you.” I couldn't do this alone, I knew that. The only chance I had of getting through this was with Simon's support. He nodded.

  “Of course I'll be here for you Em. I will always be here for you.” He smiled through his tears. “Then I guess we're having a baby.” Through my tears, I smiled at him. He wrapped himself around me, squeezing me so tight. “I love you so much Em.”

  “I love you too.”

  THE END

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I rolled onto my side to snuggle up to Simon. The empty space was warm, indicating he hadn't long gotten up. I shuffled over to make the most of his remaining warmth.

  Two weeks had passed since Derek Moosly had been killed. Two weeks since I finally felt the hold he had over me begin to lift. I'd finally been released from hospital, Simon insisting he was moving in with me. I was still having trouble digesting the fact that I was pregnant. Both of us were. Simon had arranged an appointment with one of New York's top OB's for this morning. How he'd arranged a home call I do not know.

  “Hey baby.” I smiled as Simon placed a cup of tea and two slices of buttered toast on my bedside table. He leaned down to kiss me. Even now I still received tingles every time he touched me.

  “Hi.” I replied, sitting up. I re-arranged the pillows behind me until they were just right. I took the toast. “I could get used to this pampering.”

  “I hope you do.” He winked. “Now the doc will be here in half an hour, so drink up and give me a yell when you're ready for a shower.”

  “I can shower myself.” I laughed.

  “I know.” He winked again. “I just like to watch.” I giggled. Could he sound anymore creepy? I watched him leave the room. I couldn't quite get over how wonderfully things were going.

  Simon and I.

  Tom and Cass.

  And now being pregnant. For the first time since the attack, I was beginning to enjoy life again. Mom and dad had visited me a few times now. It was a slow process, but we were getting to a point where we could be a family again. Some kind of family anyway. Maria and I were also in contact. We were taking things slow, but slow was better than nothing. If any of the last few weeks had taught me anything, it was that life was too short to shut people out. I finished my tea and toast, and tiptoed into the bathroom. I was halfway through my shower when I felt hands wrap around my waist.

  “You were supposed to call me.” Simon whispered sternly in my ear. I spun around, facing him. We kissed. He pushed me against the tiles, lifting me onto his hips. “We don't have time for this.” He groaned.

  “I heard you're very quick.” I whispered in his ear. He grinned at me.

  “You'll pay for that little insu
lt later.” He said, amused. He smacked me on the bottom and pulled me from under the water. I grumbled, not ready to finish my shower just yet. He was right though. The doctor would be here soon.

  As the sonogram ran over my lubricated stomach the sound of a heartbeat filled my ears. Tears filled my eyes. My baby's heartbeat. I glanced over at Simon and saw he too was crying. He reached for my hand and squeezed it. Dr Lazonski cleared his throat. Both Simon and I looked at him. I felt the familiar sense of anxiety run through my body. He looked concerned. Why did he look concerned?

  “Peter?” prompted Simon nervously. His grip on my hand tightened.

  “The baby is fine. Heartbeat is strong.” He began. I felt Simon's grip ease slightly. “My concern is with you, Emma.”

  “Me?” I repeated, startled.

  “You have extensive scarring from your attack. Possibly the worst I've seen.” He added. “In this case I'd usually advise strongly for termination of the pregnancy.” His words hit me like a ton of bricks. Termination? Of my little miracle? How could he even suggest that?

  “No.” I shook my head with venom. I began to tremble. Simon snuggled closer to me. He was shaking too.

  “Emma, carrying this baby poses significant risks for both you and the baby. The chances of you delivering a full term baby are about 10%. More concerning for me at the moment is the strain this pregnancy would put on your body.”

  “But the fact that I managed to get pregnant is against the odds.” I whispered helplessly. How could I be given this chance and have it ripped away from me so soon?

  “Yes, you even getting pregnant is a medical miracle in itself.” Peter acknowledged. “The doctors wouldn't have seen the point in discussing the risks with you if you did happen to get pregnant.” He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. “Emma, the chances of you surviving this pregnancy are very slim.”

  I turned to Simon. I needed his support now more than ever. His eyes were filled with worry, for me, and for his baby growing inside me.