What to Do When You Meet Cthulhu

by Rachel Gray

  YELLOW IS NOT YOUR COLOR

  Originally envisioned by Robert Chambers, the tales of the King in Yellow, and of the mysterious Yellow Sign, became an integral element of the Mythos canon. As H.P. Lovecraft was a fan of the writings of Robert Chambers, it’s not a surprise that the two authors should overlap in areas.

  On the surface, spotting The King in Yellow might seem easy. And sometimes it is; although on other occasions there are only oblique references in several Chambers stories—for instance, a play, titled “The King in Yellow” that drove any and all readers insane.

  For most people, the famous play, “The King in Yellow” has an innocuous first act. But anyone foolish enough to eyeball the opening phrases of the second act might as well book a one way trip to Arkham Sanitarium.

  For example, the events transcribed in “The Yellow Sign” describe a painter, Mr. Scott, who took a break from his canvas, and decided to peer out the window. There he caught a glimpse of a pale, dough-like man, standing. Then this doughy man rather unexpectedly returned Scott’s gaze. Unnerved, Scott hurried away from the window—clearly this pale figure’s stare was very unsettling.

  Later, when he returned to painting, he couldn’t get his colors right. No matter how brightly he tried to paint his lovely model, Tessie Reardon, the colors always turned out sickly and dead.

  Somewhat defeated, he gave up painting for the day. With time on their hands, Tessie and Scott enagaged in a discussion about the pallid man. It didn’t take long before a shocked Tessie realized she’d dreamed of the unusual man before. In those dreams, Scott lay in a coffin, inside of a hearse.

  Clearly Tessie was under stress. Scott suggested she might want to take some time off—a good vacation cures everything.

  THE YELLOW SIGN

  However, Scott was still not satisfied with what he knew about the elusive figure standing outside his window. So, he asked about town, discovering the pale, clammy fellow worked as a night watchman for the nearby church. No one knew much about him, but it was generally agreed he was creepy.

  After some tiresome legwork, Scott encountered a bellboy, Thomas, who reluctantly confessed to his gruesome experience with the dough-man. It seems Thomas had a dispute with the man because the freaky fellow was always leering at him, and this terribly annoyed the bellboy. Push came to shove, and the argument nearly came to fisticuffs. But when the dough-man grabbed Thomas, the bellboy managed to pull away. And to Thomas’s disgust, one of the dough-man’s soft, mushy fingers came along as well.

  Upon hearing this tale, Scott decided it would be best if he simply steered clear of the dough-man. And mostly, he was successful—except for one night when the dough-man was hanging about, mumbling repeatedly, “Have you found the Yellow Sign?”

  DON’T LOOK IN THE BOOK

  Completely refreshed, unlike Scott, Tessie arrived at her next modeling session with light feet. Scott, however, hadn’t been resting, and he was something of a downer—although oddly cheerful. Scott related, laughingly, his dream from the night before—a dream identical to Tess’s dream. It involved the dough-man, and the hearse. But knowing better, he dismissed it as imagination. Tessie didn’t brush it aside so easily. She grew quite upset. She confessed to worrying about something happening to Scott. Worried because she liked him. You know, liked him in that way.

  This revelation brought on a bout of fevered kissing.

  Once Scott and Tessie became an item (jeez), the next modeling session was a bit awkward. However, being a caring gentleman, Scott solved the problem by allowing Tessie to wear a costume instead of stripping down to bare skin (sounds like things were much better for Scott now). And to further defuse the situation, he presented her with a gift of a necklace. Excited, Tessie returned the favor with a gift of her own—a black onyx clasp with a curious symbol. She had discovered the clasp last winter—the same day she started having the terrible dreams about Scott and the dough-man. Lucky for Scott, Tessie didn’t believe in coincidence—or maybe she did.

  With all of the excitement and jubilation, Scott wasn’t himself and while moving a canvas, he fell and sprained both wrists. That put an end to painting for awhile. Being his livelihood and hobby was working with brushes and paints, not surprisingly, Scott quickly became bored. To occupy his time, he began prowling the vast book collection in his library. And there it was! High upon a shelf rested a strange, yellow tome he did not recognize. The book was a stand-out among the others. It didn’t take long for Tessie to climb up and retrieve the volume for him. And then he was hit with another surprise. The book was an actually copy of the infamous and dreaded play, “The King in Yellow.”

  Having never read the play, even purchased the book, Scott was at a loss as to how it ended up in his library. Disturbed by its unexpected presence, and the rumors that it caused insanity, he implored Tessie to return the volume to the shelf. But, as friends in uncanny situations are wont to do, Tessie thought the matter to be a great game. Instead of returning the book, she skipped away with it, laughing and dancing about the house (do read the information box titled More About Friends, Partners, and Loved Ones in the Mythos a few times).

  For those of us who are fans of books, we know that dancing, laughing, and skipping with a book in hand is of limited entertainment. Tessie soon discovered this as well, and decided to peek inside the mysterious volume.

  TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK IN THE BOOK

  By the time Scott hunted down Tessie, she was in a dazed trance. Hurriedly, Scott settled her upon the sofa, hoping to help her condition. And as he sat there, waiting, it occurred to him that passing the time would be easier with a little reading. So, he read the play in its entirety. Later, when Tessie awoke, she and Scott discussed the play endlessly, in a sort of monotonous trance. Now they knew that the strange, onyx clasp she’d gifted to Scott bore the Yellow Sign. They also understood they must dispose of the accursed item. Yet, knowing and doing are different things. Although he understood why he should, Scott couldn’t bring himself to part with it. With their newfound knowledge, there was no shock when the crunching of wheels upon gravel sounded from outside—it was a hearse, approaching. At long last, the dough-shaped man had arrived to claim his Yellow Sign.

  MORE ON FRIENDS,

  PARTNERS, AND LOVED ONES IN THE MYTHOS

  As previously stated, it is always good to have a dedicated friend nearby when dealing with entities or Mythos related events. While these friends are trusted, and liked, close and loyal, they are nonetheless dispensable. And a true friend understands this. After all, the whole point of having a pal or a chum when exploring the Mythos is to toss them into the fire while you flee.

  But when you make a girlfriend or spouse your friend, this adds some wrinkles to the matter. Odds are you’re overly emotionally attached to the “friend,” and probably not as willing to let harm befall them. If this is the case, then it spells trouble. Just like this: T-R-O-U-B-L-E. In the end, if you’re truly devoted to this type of friend, you’re more likely to sacrifice yourself than your “friend.” This benefits you little because in the Cthulhu Mythos universe, you are not judged in terms of “good and evil.” Such a universe doesn’t have space for petty philosophies. Survival is the most important element, and getting involved in an emotional, lovey-dovey relationship is simply going to end badly for all involved.

  If this happens, do yourself a favor. Make sure you’re first to throw your “friend” into the trouble—before it happens to you. Or, better yet, avoid the situation entirely. Become a bitter old man or woman, lock yourself away, and enjoy life as it was meant to be—alone, but with expendable friends.

  While the strange events unfolding were completely comprehensible to the couple, the reality was more difficult to deal with. After only a brief glimpse of the dough-man’s face, Tessie fell over dead from fright. But she was the lucky one—poor, crazed Mr. Scott hung on for some time afterward.

  THE KING IN YELLOW

  It’s not clear as to whether the pasty-faced, dough
-man visiting Scott and Tessie was actually the King in Yellow (maybe he was just really ugly and pasty). Many speculate the King in Yellow is an avatar of the supernatural creature Hastur (also known as The Unspeakable One, so it’s best if you don’t say the name Hastur very often).

  When all was over, neighbors rushed to the flat, discovering Tessie’s body and the dying Scott—and they also found the crumpled, decomposing form of the night watchman. It was obvious the watchman had perished months before, so how he continued to shamble about was a mystery to all. Likely the King in Yellow inhabited his form to regain his precious Yellow Sign (though it’s surprising no one ever commented upon the watchman’s sudden change in personality and demeanor . . .)

  MYTHOS SURVIVAL TIP:

  BOOKS ARE BAD

  This warning has been offered before, but it’s worth repeating. Other than this book, and a small handful of others, remain wary when reading a Mythos tome. Sure, they are excellent sources of knowledge, but with great knowledge comes great responsibility. And also great pain and suffering.

  Just remember—every morsel of Mythos knowledge comes at a price. The price is normally an equally-sized morsel of your sanity.

  WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE AFFECTED BY A MYSTERIOUS ITEM

  If you start having strange dreams, hallucinations, or health issues, after having acquired a unique piece of jewelry or peculiar bauble, it’s best to get rid of the item. Most people won’t connect the two, but that’s why most people won’t survive an encounter with something from the Cthulhu Mythos.

  Only re-gift the item if you truly despise the intended victim. If you want a relationship, or are otherwise involved with the person, avoid offering it to them as a gift. Do, however, consider giving it away at your employer’s annual White Elephant Christmas party. Nothing but fun and delight can come from this.

  If it glows, pulses, shimmers, makes strange sounds, or talks to you, as a rule, dump it. Sure, you’re likely to doubt your sanity, and want to share it with a friend to verify its unusual qualities. Only do this if you have an abundant supply of close friends and are willing to lose one.

  If a bizarre-looking, unsettling person suddenly enters your life, or appears on your doorstep, dispose of the item as soon as possible, and redirect the mysterious stranger to a neighbor’s house, or friend (again, only if you currently have a full supply of friends).

  The less you know, the better off you are. If you find yourself daydreaming, and your attention is captured by a figure outside your window, don’t rush down to learn why the strange person gives you the chills. Close the window instead. Don’t research the person; don’t read books he suggests; and take extra precautions to avoid personal injury. You’ll need to be in top form to flee later.

  Don’t let love and emotions cloud the matter. You’re unsettled by something you can’t put a finger on. Then your partner reveals he or she has had a horrible dream about your death. At this point, end the relationship to avoid a matching dream. If you move on to a new person, then there’s a chance the new partner won’t have the same portentous dream. If he/she does, move along again.

  Even if you’re bored, don’t read the mysterious book that suddenly appeared on your bookshelf. No one expects you to be able to remember every book you’ve purchased, but you can avoid the ones that unnerve you. Basically, when events in your life start to feel unnatural, avoid books altogether.

  If you decide to ignore the advice in the previous guideline, at least try to refrain from telling your partner about the book you spotted—but shouldn’t have spotted to begin with. All this does is generate unnecessary interest, and most likely results in a very silly game of dancing-with-the book. Of course, no one can dance with a book for long without taking a little peek inside. But in this case, the results can be disastrous.

  Cover your windows with well known, sanity safe landscapes. A large variety can be just as entertaining as gazing out a window, and with a regular rotation schedule, you’ll have far more visual variety.

  Visit a friend’s house and drop any mysterious item you’ve found into his cereal box. He will likely think it to be a prize. After all, everyone loves a free prize (cursed or not).

  Crypts

  and

  Cemeteries

  The vault to which I refer is of ancient granite, weathered and discolored by the mists and dampness of generations. Excavated back into the hillside, the structure is visible only at the entrance. The door, a ponderous and forbidding slab of stone, hangs upon rusted iron hinges, and is fastened ajar in a queerly sinister way by means of heavy iron chains and padlocks, according to a gruesome fashion of half a century ago.

  —H.P. Lovecraft, “The Tomb”

  In genre fiction, tombs and cemeteries are terrible places to hang out, unless you’re dead (or Herbert West). Bad things happen in cemeteries. But sometimes a late-night trip to the crypt visit is inevitable. Here are a few tales, tips, and tricks to keep you above ground.

  RANDOLPH CARTER GOES TO THE CEMETERY

  Randolph Carter appears throughout Lovecraft’s fiction. Hailing from Arkham, Carter is a weird fiction writer with prophetic abilities. He’s also known to have strange, vivid dreams that often crept into his writing. Sound like any other weird fiction writers mentioned in this book?

  In Carter’s adventures, he’s journeyed across the chasm of space and time, and traveled to distant planets. He’s also visited the bizarre, alternate dimension of our dreams, known as the Dreamlands. And not to mention, he’s tangled with dangerous, otherworldly creatures, and embarked upon lengthy quests to find magical cities.

  And when he isn’t involved in those things, odds are he’s in some sort of trouble in the cemetery.

  In “The Statement of Randolph Carter,” the adventuresome Mr. Carter offers a great yarn to authorities in an attempt to explain the unexplainable. Naturally, he’d sojourned to a cemetery, after which Carter was found wandering aimlessly around Big Cypress Swamp.

  Carter’s colleague, and somewhat friend, Harley Warren, had made a strange and startling discovery in a book recently procured from India. But Warren was stingy with his research, not willing to share much of anything with anyone. Instead, he asked Carter to accompany him to an ancient cemetery for field research, offering little else in way of explanation. And since it was a cemetery, Carter naturally couldn’t resist.

  The two arrived at the cemetery at night (this is a trend with researchers; why go in the day, when the darkness of night adds a level of difficulty). Warren headed to a tomb covered by a heavy black slab. The two men moved the block out of the way, revealing stone steps descending downward.

  MYTHOS SURVIVAL TIP:

  STAY INFORMED

  Don’t go on field trips without knowing why. If you have to go, do a bit of research on your own. As a general rule of thumb, if your professor-friend has been busy doing research in a strange book procured from foreign lands, and he won’t share his findings, this might be the trip to skip—even if it is in a graveyard.

  INTO THE DARK

  Warren left poor Carter on the surface and descended into the tomb alone. He insisted Carter was nothing but a frail bundle of nerves, offering little or no assistance (especially since all the heavy lifting was done). Reluctantly, Carter eventually agreed to allow Warren continue the journey alone. After all, that’s what friends are for.

  The two communicated via telephone line, as Warren descended into the depths of the tomb. And all went well, for awhile. At least until Warren started screaming.

  He shrieked about terrible, monstrous things inside the tomb. Apparently Warren had been expecting some bad things down there. But not this bad. Warren insisted Carter should return the slab, and get the heck out of the cemetery.

  Carter, not getting the hint, and clearly not understanding the purpose of friends, contemplated descending the steps, causing Warren to scream all the more. There came a final, agonized cry. And then the sound from the tomb vanished completely.

  Sti
ll unsure, Carter shouted for his friend, receiving no response. Finally, whatever horrible, gruesome beast awaited inside the tomb got sick of hearing Carter’s yelling, and responded with a disembodied voice, which floated up from the depths of the tomb stating: “You fool, Warren is DEAD.”

  Finally seeing the big picture, and probably remembering why friends bring friends on Mythos explorations, Carter returned to the surface.

  THE UNNAMABLE

  You would think at first glance that the title says it all. In other words, nothing. And if there was a tale named “The Unnamable,” you’d think there was little to say about it—as you can’t really describe what it is you’re talking about. But that would never stop Randolph Carter. In Lovecraft’s story, “The Unnamable,” Carter argued with his good friend, Joel Manton, about Carter’s over-use of the word “unnamable,” in fiction, and just in general (remember, Carter is a writer of weird fiction). Manton believed Carter’s fiction was far from sensible, and had no qualms with telling him so.

  This discussion unfolded as the two were seated upon an old, spooky, seventeenth-century tomb in the cemetery. That’s right, another cemetery. Apparently Carter didn’t learn the obvious lessons from his last cemetery experience. Instead, he chilled with his friend and argued about words like “unnamable” (amazingly, this is what writers really do). As they debated in the yard of the dead, nearby them stood an old, spooky, abandoned house. Also not a great place to hang out.

  With his feathers ruffled by Manton’s criticisms (writers are sensitive critters), Carter decided to let loose with a tale of an “unnamable” monster. This abomination was rumored to have ravaged the area many years ago. And because Manton had cited one of Carter’s stories, “The Attic Window,” as one of those “trashy” tales Manton couldn’t get his head around, Carter revealed that very tale was based on notes found in an ancestor’s diary. It pretty much seemed like a slam-dunk case for Carter, at least to Carter. To Manton, it seemed like a slam-dunk case for him.