What to Do When You Meet Cthulhu

by Rachel Gray

  But all of this strangeness didn’t perturb the citizens of Sarnath. At least most of them. They continued undaunted, undisturbed, and found they were in for quite a show.

  THIS PARTY’S OVER

  Around midnight, screams filled the night air as the celebrants fled the festival. Terror roiled over the city. Folks poured through the gate, citizens and visitors alike. Later, the few surviving guests (none of the citizens of Sarnarth were to be found) spoke of the horrific sight they beheld. Horrifying vast hordes of flabby, lizard-like creatures filled the banquet hall, and stood in the very spots where the royalty of Sarnath danced moments before.

  For many years following, travelers avoided Sarnath. But eventually, a few worked up the nerve to visit the city—or at least its location.Those who arrived found that the once glorious city of Sarnath had disappeared—a bit like Ib had vanished. Sitting in the sand was the sea-green idol of Bokrug, the water-lizard. Although it took nearly one thousand years, it appeared that like vengeance, doom is a dish best served cold.

  MYTHOS SURVIVAL TIP:

  PICK YOUR BATTLES

  When encountering a Mythos creature, don’t make assumptions. The creature may not be stronger, smarter, or swifter, but through literary tropes, it might be able to best you.

  Sure, a harmless, flabby, jelly-like lizard creature may be easy to kill—okay, they are. But they wield the power of irony, or the anger of their god. The last laugh belongs to them. However, if you feel compelled to destroy every last one of them, and burn their city to the ground, don’t take the statue of their god. It’s clearly a set-up, and the deities of the Cthulhu Mythos have plenty of time to exact revenge.

  WHEN THE CAT’S AWAY

  Perhaps you’re familiar with some of the writings of H.P. Lovecraft and you’re reading this book just to reassure yourself that you are familiar with his writings. If so, that means you already have read another one of Lovecraft’s famous Dreamlands tales, “The Cats of Ulthar.” For those unfamiliar, yes, the title has “cats” in it. If you’re clever, you’ll notice that “cats” is occupying the normal spot where words such as “thing,” “doom,” “shadow,” “terror,” and other such dread-filled words appear. This could serve as a useful tidbit of information. It might even give you something to ponder. Did Lovecraft equate “cats” with these other dark words? Even for those familiar with Lovecraft’s writings, it’s still worth pondering for a few moments.

  If there is a golden rule in Ulthar, it would be: Don’t kill any cats. Actually, that’s a law in Ulthar. Prior to this unusual ordinance, a nasty cotter and his wife would kill any cat unfortunate enough to stray onto their property. Judging by the tortured sounds wafting from their cottage at night, the couple enjoyed the activity.

  No one in Ulthar knew what to do about the frightful couple, and there wasn’t anyone in town who dared confront them. Residents simply kept their cats as far away from the mad cotters as possible.

  As might be expected in a land of mystical fantasy, one day, a caravan arrived. With it came many travelers, and among them was a small boy named Menes. Young Menes had a tiny, black kitten that he loved to play with. The unfortunate boy had lost his family to a plague, and this tiny kitten was all he had left in the world (you can see this one coming).

  OH, NO, NOT THE LITTLE ORPHAN BOY’S CUTE LITTLE KITTEN!

  That’s right, unable to restrain themselves, the monstrous cat-killing couple sank their evil claws into Menes’ poor, innocent, tiny black kitten. No doubt it mewed longingly as the vicious abductors nabbed it. Sadly, the kitten was never seen again—by anyone else.

  Suffice to say, young Menes was put off by all of this. And for reasons unknown, the boy set about chanting in a strange tongue. As he did, the clouds floating overhead swirled into shadowy, nebulous forms (storms are literary metaphors for “bad things”).

  This chanting continued for quite some time. But eventually Menes wrapped it up, and seemingly with no apparent effect. The wanderers left town the next day. But it didn’t take long for the residents to notice that every cat in town had vanished.

  Quickly, tales from snooping people came to light. Rumors spread of the cats being seen pacing around the old cotter’s house. Yet, now the cats were nowhere to be found. There seemed only one conclusion: The cotter and his wife had killed all of the cats. Every last one, probably in some horrid, painful manner.

  NINE LIVES

  It turns out, there was more than one possible conclusion. It seems a misuse of logic simply led to the incorrect conclusion, because the cats all returned. The residents of Ulthar were delighted, and even the cats were fat and sassy. With no worries, and the sun shining brightly, the cats did nothing but lay about for days on end, content to do nothing than doze and purr. Pretty typical cat stuff.

  MYTHOS SURVIVAL TIP:

  BECOME A CAT PERSON

  Have you been a dog-lover all of your life? Well, if you find yourself trapped in the Dreamlands, it’s time to change sides. Cats are the animal of choice in the land of deep slumber.

  The cats of the Dreamlands are sentient beings, often willing to help out a kind human. Cats follow a scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours philosophy (or scratching post, whichever is most convenient). Do a cat some good in the Dreamlands, and it will return the favor.

  Always go out of your way to pet a cat, and make sure you’re carrying an ample supply of catnip.

  Although the people of Ulthar weren’t quite as fast to pick-up on the absence of the cotter and his wife—when compared to the missing cats. The people eventually did notice. After careful consideration, a group of villagers worked up the nerve to visit the cranky cotter. No one answered the door, so they let themselves inside. And there, they found two skeletons upon the floor, picked clean.

  The news traveled quickly, and Ulthar residents immediately put the “no killing cats” law into effect.

  WRAP IT UP IN CELEPHAÏS

  It’s not clear how the Dreamlands came to be, and who created them. But the tale “Celephaïs” offers a clue. The story tells of a great city, Celephaïs, bursting into existence when King Kuranes dreamed it up.

  Kuranes hadn’t been a king in England, back when he still had a body. But in the land of dreams, he ruled the city of Celephaïs (which seems fair, after all, he created it). When Kuranes initially began dreaming about Celephaïs, he couldn’t get enough of it. He had the placed decked out with marble walls and great bronze statues. But in time, journeying there became more difficult. It seemed the harder he tried, the harder it was to return to the magical city.

  A DRUG TRIP TO THE DREAMLANDS

  Desperate, Kuranes ingested every drug he could find. Admittedly, this wasn’t a brilliant idea, and as it turns out, did little to actually help. Not even a vast array of herbal and manmade pharmaceuticals promised a return to his dream-city. Eventually he ran out of drugs and money. Being broke, he was kicked out of his home (landlords are tough about not paying the rent, future king of a Dreamland city or not). All Kuranes could do was wander the streets aimlessly. Or so it seemed.

  On the streets, Kuranes encountered a friendly contingent of knights. And these dedicated fellows were ready to escort him to the city of Celephaïs. Delighted, Kuranes followed as the armored knights politely led him down the road, and over the side of a cliff.

  The next day the townsfolk found Kuranes’ body floating along the shore. Naturally, they assumed he was dead—having no pulse and being very pale. As it turns out, they couldn’t have been further from the truth. Kuranes and his loyal knight contingent floated gracefully downward, off the cliff, and into the grand city of his dreams.

  One would think Kuranes was completely satisfied. But irony runs rampant in the Dreamlands, and after a while the man found himself homesick—for England. He longed for the simple boyhood life in the countryside. It turns out, being a king isn’t all that easy. Or to turn an old phrase, the grass is always greener in another reality.

  But this time, there wasn�
�t anything left for Kuranes to do. Certainly no knights from England would show up and escort him home—after all, he was a pauper back in England.

  IT’S ALL ABOUT RANDOLPH CARTER

  You probably recall the plucky weird fiction writer named Randolph Carter. He was mentioned a few times in previous chapters. That’s right—the guy who can’t stay out of cemeteries. Well, Randolph Carter also had an affinity for dreaming—in fact, he had quite a talent for it. And this proved exceedingly handy on Carter’s multiple ventures within the Dreamlands.

  Carter’s most famous adventure is described in “The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath.” The tale chronicles his attempts to find Kadath, the place where the gods live, in order to ask them a few questions.

  Several times, Carter dreamed of a fantastic city that blazed golden in the sunset, full of perfumed gardens, silver fountains, and streets made of marble (marble is abundant in the Dreamlands). But he only received brief glimpses of his dream-city, and was pulled away before he could wander its wide streets or frolic in the fountains.

  Taking matters into his own hands, Carter decided it was time to consult with the gods. The gods of the Dreamlands lived in the dream-city of Kadath. Though weaker than the powerful Outer Gods, the gods of the Dreamlands had to, at the very least, know how to get to Carter’s amazing city. But gods being gods, they weren’t in the mood to be found. Carter found it very difficult to locate gods who were not returning calls. He tried praying to them. No luck there. Carter suspected they were hanging around their city of Kadath, and just ignoring him. Not the type to give up, Carter embarked upon his quest to find Kadath. And once he was there, he fully intended to ask those reclusive gods a question or two.

  HOW MANY STEPS, NOW?

  For Carter and his quest, it turns out there are two phases to entering the Dreamlands. In light slumber, the dreamer descends seventy steps, down to the cavern of flame. But it is seven hundred more steps to reach the Gate of Deeper Slumber, and the Enchanted Wood beyond. All in all, this was easier than counting sheep because there was a definite number offered for success.

  The Enchanted Wood is the home of small, rat-like creatures known as the zoogs. For a bunch of rodents, the zoogs are very intelligent and inquisitive—and in some circles known to be quite fast. When Carter entered the Enchanted Wood, a contingent of zoogs decided to follow him upon his quest. While zoogs can be dangerous to humans, Carter cleverly forged a pact with the creatures. He even spoke a bit of their weird, fluttering language. So they didn’t bother him (and the creatures even shared some of their awesome moon-wine, offering him a bottle for the road).

  When asked, even the zoogs didn’t know how to find Kadath. The best they offered was that he should visit Ulthar and check out the informative Pnakotic Manuscripts. He could also consult with the priest Atal, who had his own history with the gods.

  OF DRUNK PRIESTS AND OTHER THINGS

  As it turned out, the Pnakotic Manuscripts were of little use. And Atal wasn’t very forthcoming, either. He knew nothing of Carter’s “city of dreams,” and grew tight-lipped on the subject of visiting the gods. Atal and his companion had tried to do so, once, and his companion died for it. Such is the fate of friends even in the Dreamlands.

  MYTHOS SURVIVAL TIP:

  AVOID ZOOGS

  Zoogs are small, brown creatures that primarily hang out in the Enchanted Wood, although they’ve been known to venture further to satisfy their inquisitive nature The zoogs’ primary diet is a fungi growing in the wood. But they’ve also been known to partake of the occasional human-snack.

  Your best bet to avoid zoog attacks is to stay out of the Enchanted Wood entirely, or traverse through it as quickly as possible. Though the creatures are small, a good-sized swarm of zoogs can easily bring a human down. Luckily, if you die in the Dreamlands, odds are pretty good you won’t die in real life. Pretty good.

  If you absolutely must travel though the Enchanted Wood, bring a cat, if you can. Zoogs and cats get along smashingly.

  Disappointed, Carter tried another approach—he offered Atal some of the moon-wine, which resulted in the priest becoming stinking drunk. Carter was a writer, and he clearly understood the many uses of alcohol. The two go hand-in-hand (writers and booze that is).

  With no inhibitions to hinder him, the priest babbled about an image depicting the likeness of the gods. It was carved into the mountain of Ngranek, on the Oriab Isle. Allegedly, there were mortals in the Dreamlands who lived close to the gods’ great city of Kadath, and these mortals resembled the gods. So all Carter had to do was climb this mountain, check out the carving, and then scour the Dreamlands for mortals that resembled the carving. After that Kadath had to be nearby. Remember, this is drunk logic, so it doesn’t follow the rules of Aristotelian logic.

  OFF TO ORIAB

  Carter ditched his inquisitive zoog-escort in Ulthar, thanks to the cats (the cats gobbled up the zoogs when a young zoog started making “Mmm, tasty” sounds at one of the black kittens). Heading to the port town of Dylath-Leen, Carter hoped to catch the ship to Oriab.

  In Dylath-Leen, Carter questioned the locals about Ngranek. But they had little to say as they were all fretting over the dread black galleys docked in town. Sure, the galleys were stuffed full of rubies upon arrival. This made their existence more tolerable. But townspeople continued to whisper about their strange crews, with their odd-shaped shoes and strangely pointed turbans. Not unlike the citizens of Sarnath, the people of Dylath-Leen seemed a little intolerant of different cultures.

  Unperturbed by all of the locals gazing, one of the merchants from a black galley approached Carter, smugly claiming to have information regarding Carter’s quest for Kadath. Being a master of booze, Carter tried his moon-wine trick again. However, it seems that moon-wine doesn’t affect everyone the same way. Instead, the merchant smirked and offered Carter some wine from his bottle. Sadly, Carter wasn’t smart enough to recognize his own trick, or perhaps the writer in him couldn’t resist a quick nip. All it took was one sip, and he was unconscious (in a manner of speaking when referring to the Dreamlands).

  Carter awakened on a black galley, sailing straight to the moon (yes, the moon), and over to the dark side (yes, the dark side of the moon), where no human had ever tread before (if you know some songs from the album, start humming them now).

  NEVER FEAR, THE CATS ARE HERE

  Upon his lunar arrival, Carter was escorted to a very unpleasant city. While there, he spotted inhuman figures, moving about on the wharves. They were large, gray-white creatures, called moon-beasts, and they were the ones running the show. It just so happens the unfortunate crews of the black galleys were actually slaves to the moon-beasts. And the slaves were not human, either—the turbans and funny shoes disguised their non-human features. It didn’t take long for the hangover-headed Carter to comprehend that the moon-beasts planned to trade Carter for a variety of goodies, to the deity Nyarlathotep (yes, he’s everywhere).

  Being the prepared sort of person, Carter had always been a cat-person. And in addition, during his visit he’d treated the cats of Ulthar well. The cats heard whispers of Carter’s plight, and called upon their Cat Army to descend en masse upon the moon-beast city. They rescued Carter, and then cuddled up all around him, creating a snuggly, furry cat-transport used to whisk him back to Dreamlands-Earth (don’t laugh at it until you’ve tried it).

  . . . OH NO, NOT AGAIN

  Even though he was a writer, somehow Carter managed to overlook the abundant use of irony in the Dreamlands. So after finally boarding a ship in Dylath-Leen, Carter arrived at Oriab Isle. Once there, he dutifully climbed the mountain of Ngranek. And to his surprise, although it shouldn’t have been, the gods in the carving resembled sailors Carter had seen before—in the port of Celephaïs.

  But before Carter could start back down the mountain, he was kidnapped—again—by a giant, winged creature called a night-gaunt. This particular critter was guarding Ngranek. The fearsome creature tickled Carter into submiss
ion (yes, tickled; this is the night-gaunt’s preferred method of attack). Clearly having defeated Carter, the night-gaunt carried Carter away from Ngranek and dropped him at the vast vale of Pnoth. The only company he found there were bones.

  But Carter had another friend card yet to play. Many ghouls dwelled in the vale of Pnoth, and Carter shared a mutual acquaintance with the ghouls—none other than the eccentric artist, Robert Pickman. Out of friendship, the ghouls indicated they might help Carter find his way back—unless the creepy, worm-like dholes inhabiting the vale gobbled him up first.

  GHOULS, GUGS, AND GHASTS …OH MY!

  The ghouls were happy to help, and escorted him to his old friend, Robert Pickman, who now dwelled in the Dreamlands—permanently as a ghoul. In his new, gibbering manner of speech, Pickman advised Carter to reconsider this quest idea (it sure wasn’t going well so far). Being determined, Carter would have none of it. Reluctantly the ghouls agreed to help Carter escape, though the escape led them through the terrifying city of the enormous, hairy gugs. Fortunately, it was the safest time to sojourn into the gugs’ town—they were all snoring after a hearty meal. Besides, gugs were oddly afraid of ghouls anyway. But the ghoul-crew needed to stay sharp in case they were assaulted by ghasts—equally terrifying creatures that often crept into the city for the occasional gug snack.