by Dale Mayer
He shook his head, reaching for a napkin to wipe his fingers. “Honestly,” he said. “I’m thinking about going back for more chicken.”
“I wish,” she said enviously, “but I can’t possibly. I’m too full.”
“Well, I’m not,” he said. “Maybe I’ll sit and wait for a few minutes and then see.”
She smiled at him. “You don’t have to wait for my sake,” she said. “You know what it’ll be like when the crowd gets here.”
He hesitated, then nodded and said, “I’ll be right back,” and he scooted past her.
She noticed that he was always in the wheelchair instead of working at walking, like she knew he could. But, when she did see him walking, like to the bathroom from his room, it was still kind of a halfway limping walk. She turned back around to finish working on her salad, wondering if she should ask him how his physical progress was going. He had been here well over two months, and she thought she would see him walking more by now. But, then again, some of the workouts were pretty rough, and maybe the wheelchair was easier for him. She was not one to judge.
She had seen that with her brother. He had his good days, and he had his bad days, and a lot of days it was just easier for him to take the easy way out and to preserve what little energy he had for whatever might still come later in the day. It was really hard to understand how up and down Jerry had been physically—and emotionally he had been up and down too. He would have a great morning, wake up in a good mood, all sunshine and happiness, thinking that he would beat this and that everything would be fine.
An hour later he would be completely wasted, worn out, telling her to go get a real job and to leave him alone. That she shouldn’t waste her best years on him and that soon he would die. He often said it couldn’t happen soon enough for him, so that he did not feel like he was a burden on everybody. She used to get mad at him all the time, and that hadn’t helped either. But it didn’t stop her anger, and it did not stop his frustration.
She thought about all the things that she had learned about her brother during those tough times and realized just how lucky she was to have learned so many life lessons at an early age. Not everybody had that opportunity to see great trials and losses in their world and to have a chance to surmount them. So maybe she hadn’t given enough credence to the value of that.
What Nash had been through had changed him; yet even she could see it had helped him in ways. Obviously the physical limitations were still a challenge, but he was getting there. She could see how much stronger he was, how much steadier. Back in their dating days, he been full of loyalty and service and wanting to go out and help. And she had really admired that, and in a way that made her feel small because she did not have the same drive, the same selflessness to go out and help others. She’d wanted to get into fashion, which seemed so frivolous now. Yet Nash had lost so much for his own country that she wondered even now if he regretted it.
When he came back and pulled up to the table beside her, she asked him, “Do you ever regret going into the navy?”
In the act of picking up a piece of chicken, he looked at her in surprise and then shook his head. “No, not at all.”
“Even though you’re in this shape now?”
He looked at her, smiled, and said, “Do you regret spending all that time with your brother?”
“Of course not,” she said. “I still have the memories.”
“Exactly,” he said. “I did what I could, for as long as I could. Now life’s changed.”
His words were said so simple and so instantaneous that she realized he really meant it. “I was just thinking that I should be grateful for all the years I had with Jerry, for going through the experience of losing him. Just because everything’s different, I have that experience. I have that.” She stopped, almost at a loss for words.
“You mean, you’ve had that personal experience, that awareness of what really matters, that paradigm shift already, whereas a lot of other people still have it to come? If they ever get that opportunity?”
She smiled. “Yeah, in a way I guess that’s exactly what I mean. Same as you. You’ve been through something traumatic that so many people will never come up against. Yet you’ve already learned how to deal with it.”
“Well, I’m learning how to deal with it,” he said, his lips twitching. “And I can tell you, … it’s an up-and-down process.”
“I get that,” she said, “but you know what I mean.”
“Absolutely I do,” he said, smiling. “It’s not all easy, but it’s a good reminder that what we have and what we do impacts everything in our life. I’m not saying that I wish this accident hadn’t happened because, of course, I do. The same as you wish that your brother didn’t have to die.”
“Maybe he could have just been terribly sick and then finally recovered from it,” she said.
“But life doesn’t always happen that way. At least we’ve come to the point where we’re dealing with it. And, if something else happens in our life, we have this experience to draw on, compared to somebody who hasn’t been through anything so difficult.”
She nodded her agreement. “I think that’s what I meant. It’s not that I would want to go through this again, but it’s almost like, because I have, I’m better off.”
“I think we are better off. Could we have done without it? Absolutely. Could we have learned this without having to go through this? I doubt it,” he said. “If I thought that me going through this would save ten other servicemen from having to go through this, then it was worth it. But unfortunately that’s not the way life works, and it could be fifty other servicemen who could be here in the next couple months. Do you ever realize just how much Dani is helping others and how sad that the beds she always has here are full up?”
“I never really thought about it,” she said slowly. “It is kind of sad, isn’t it?”
“Seriously sad.”
She looked around, smiled, and said, “Unfortunately I have to get back to work. And now, after a big lunch like that, I don’t have quite the same energy I did.”
“I’ll meet you here for ice cream at three,” he said, waggling his eyebrows. “It’d be almost like old times.”
She stared at him and then it hit her. “Oh, my goodness, Charlie’s Rock’n Shop,” she said. “We used to go in there and have slushies all the time.”
“And ice cream floats,” he said. “And big sundaes. Anything we could get our hands on.”
She smiled. “Yes, I do remember, and you’re right. I’ll see you here when three rolls around.”
With that, she got up and dashed off.
“I’ll look forward to it,” Nash said, murmuring into the space she had left. And he would. But, in the meantime, he had to see Shane, and that would be a whole different story. As he made his way to Shane’s gym, now changed and ready for his normal PT session, Shane stood there in the middle of the room, waiting for him. As Nash rolled in, Shane looked at him, smiled, and said, “How about the pool?”
“What about it?” he said.
“I am asking if you want to do a session in the pool?”
“Absolutely I do,” he said. “I’ve got to get changed though.”
“I’ll meet you down there in ten,” Shane said.
With that, Nash wheeled back to his room, quickly changed, grabbed his towel. As he went to get off the elevator, Stan was there with a little foal, seriously tiny. Nash frowned at it. “Is she for real?” He reached out a hand, and the little horse rubbed against him.
“She’s a miniature,” Stan said. “She’s got a twisted back leg though. I’m not sure if we’ll correct it with surgery or not. Where are you heading now?” Stan asked.
“Heading for the pool. I’d love to see her afterward. Are you keeping her?”
Stan chuckled. “Well, that’s partly a discussion I’m about to have with Dani.” He grinned at Nash. “What do you think Dani will say?”
At that, Nash laughed and said, “I’ll be surpr
ised if she doesn’t keep the little thing in her office, as her office mascot.”
“Well, we’ve got enough other horses around here, so it won’t really be a hardship.”
“Won’t be a hardship at all,” Nash said. “She’s adorable. And, if she’s got a broken foot or a bad leg, then, well …”
“We can still adopt her out. Lots of horse rescues are around here too.”
“And then, of course, there’s Dani’s personal horse rescue,” Nash said, chuckling.
“Exactly. I’ll take her up to see Dani.” Stan and the tiny horse entered the elevator. With that, the doors closed in front of him, and Nash turned and headed to the pool, a big grin on his face.
Shane took one look at him and said, “Well, you look like you have a lot of high energy.”
“Well, I just met a little foal at the elevator.”
Shane nodded with a knowing look. “I wish I could be a fly on the wall when Stan gets to Dani’s office.”
“She’s adorable,” Nash said.
“Absolutely she is and a sweetheart to boot. She needs a home where she can be safe,” he said. “She’s too small to go out in the pastures with every other horse.”
“Is that true though?” he said. “Wouldn’t they accept her?”
“They might,” Shane said. “But she’s small enough for them to trip over.”
“I hope not,” he said. “Lots of land is here for her. She probably doesn’t eat more than a handful of grass a day. I’d love to spend time with her.”
“After the pool,” Shane said, rubbing his hands together. “Have I got a workout for you.”
Chapter 7
By the time three p.m. rolled around, it came and went, and Alicia didn’t even have a chance to acknowledge it. But, when she looked up next, saw three-twenty p.m. on the clock, realized that the meeting time had passed, she wondered if she was too late. Yet she was due a break in her workday, and she could really use a caffeine hit, so she got up and headed to the cafeteria. There she found Dennis, sitting at a table with Nash. Surprised but pleased to see him still here, she walked over to join them. She saw the sundae in an oversize bowl in front of Nash and gasped in shock and delight. It wasn’t any cereal bowl. It was like a serving bowl for mashed potatoes. “On my,” she said. “That’s huge.”
“Well, I wasn’t sure if you were coming or not,” Nash said comfortably. “And Shane wiped me out, so this is my attempt at rejuvenation.”
“Are you eating that whole thing?” She sat down beside Dennis, still staring at the sundae in awe.
“Well, I was thinking you might make it so I could share this with you,” he said. “But, then you were late, so I started without you.”
She laughed. “Oh, this brings back memories.”
“Well, how about this?” he asked, and he held up a second spoon.
She grinned, grabbed the spoon, and dug in for a big bite herself. As soon as the cold treat hit her mouth, she moaned happily. “I came for coffee,” she said, “figuring I’d missed you, but look at this.”
“You two know each other, huh?” Dennis asked curiously, his gaze going from one to the other.
“We definitely have a history,” she said cheerfully, “but it’s been a long time.”
“And some things are better once they have aged,” Dennis said.
“We were very young back then,” she added.
“Young and stupid maybe,” Nash added with a grin. “I was determined to go into the navy, and she was determined to be a fashion designer.”
“And look at us now,” she said, chuckling. “Here I’m a nurse, and you are a patient.”
“Not what either of us expected,” Nash said with a shrug, as he scooped up another big bite. “But I will eventually get out of here, and you’re happy staying where you are, aren’t you?”
“I think so,” she said. “I feel at least like I can do something here. After years of not being able to help, this gives me the strength to keep going and to make a difference in somebody’s life. As for fashion, well, I was thinking that maybe it’d be nice to get my sewing machine back out again.”
“You should,” Nash said, looking at her in surprise. “That was always a huge thing for you.”
She looked at Nash and then said to Dennis, “We’re very different now, but that doesn’t mean we’re less than before.”
Dennis smiled, as he stood and said, “I’ll leave the two of you alone, but, from what I can see,” he said, “you’re both stronger.”
“We are,” she murmured. “That still doesn’t change the fact that, who we were back then, is not who we are now.”
“And that’s a good thing,” Dennis said. “Why would you want to be stagnant?” And, with that, he turned and walked off.
Nash laughed. “He’s got a point,” he said. “Back then, I was all about being of service and wasn’t too worried about that impact on you.”
“Well, you shouldn’t feel guilty about that,” she said. “I wasn’t any better. I was all about setting the world of fashion on fire,” she added with a lopsided grin. “And look? That didn’t go anywhere.”
“Did you ever get very far along?”
“No,” she said. “I did try, but it didn’t seem like I got anywhere, and I know it can take a long time to make some impact in that world. But I never got a chance to even get frustrated about the lack of progress. It was a nonstarter.”
“And sometimes that happens,” he said. “I don’t think it’s anything to feel bad or guilty about. It’s a matter of making the best of it now.”
“So, if we were back then who we are now, do you think that we would have gone out?” she asked him, interested in his answer.
He looked over, smiled, and said, “If I wasn’t in here, in this shape, right now,” he said, “I’d have asked you out for coffee already.”
She looked at him in surprise. “Seriously?”
He frowned. “But, of course, that doesn’t mean you would have said yes.”
She looked up and chuckled and said, “Well, I would have said yes, given the person who I am right now.” The two of them smiled at each other.
“So, maybe we had more in common back then than we thought.”
She nodded slowly. “I’m glad to hear you say that. I was wondering about that myself,” she said. “But you know? Back then, you don’t really have the maturity to look forward ten years and to wonder who you’d be. And, even if we had, we wouldn’t have foreseen this,” she said. “This isn’t who we were expecting to be, but, now that we’re here, we can look back. And I can see how so much of what I really appreciated in you then remains with you today, and the good parts are even more emphasized.”
“But the negatives are too,” he said with an added nod. “Considering that physically I’m not the fit, agile, healthy male I used to be.”
“Which may be true for the moment,” she said, “but emotionally you’re stronger, more stable, and a lot more positive.”
“I would have said I was very positive back then,” he said in surprise, looking at her.
She smiled and said, “In a certain way, yes, but it was more of a take-on-the-world kind of positive. Not sure it was very grounded in reality. Right now, you’re grounded in reality.”
“Odd,” he said after several more bites. “After not seeing each other for all these years, and then, all of a sudden, both of us show up here.”
“I think it’s a good thing,” she said. “And I’m really happy to see you. I’m happy to see where you’re at and how far you’ve come.”
He looked at her, smiled, and said, “That I can echo.”
They sat together eating the rest of the ice cream. Then she looked at her watch and groaned. “Time goes by so fast, when you’re not at work,” she said, standing. She added, “Now don’t eat all that in one bite. You’ll make yourself sick.”
“But it’ll be a happy sick,” he said. “I think you’ve forgotten how much ice cream I could consume.”
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And she left behind her laughter as she disappeared.
Nash wondered at her wording earlier, thought about how much they had changed and yet how much they were still the same. She definitely wasn’t the same lighthearted person, but she was also a lot more stable and a lot more grounded. Whether it was maturity or trials that did that, he was glad for her sake. It would make whatever was coming down the pipeline easier to handle. He could only hope for good things, but he knew that life had a tendency to toss you in the soup, just for fun.
And, he had to admit, he had been serious when he had said he would have already asked her out, if not for the state of his body. He would certainly date her right now. In fact, he was trying to figure out how to work the conversation around to see if she was even interested in something between them. Something was very special about her. He had seen it back then, and it had not changed.
He had not expected such a connection to still exist though. He had made a good choice back then, going into the navy, without really thinking of it as giving up Alicia for the service. He never saw his decision to join up as an either/or situation. He figured she would always be waiting for him. Yet she broke up with him almost immediately, stating how she didn’t want the long-distance relationship, that they were young and that each had disparate goals. Still …
As he stared down at his ice cream, slowly eating, cleaning up the bottom of the large bowl, he wondered if he had ever let go of that hope. Had she always been in the back of his mind, making him wonder if he had a chance to reconnect in the future? Or had he walked away, free and clear, completely untethered to any of the emotional responses that he’d had back then?
The thing was, he was trying to find excuses to have a relationship with her right now, although he kept going back to their past and what they had back then. Yet knowing that they were completely different now, he still felt this bond, a link to her. Something to grow on, something to develop, and something to further. But then, as he caught sight of his body, he winced.