by Dale Mayer
“So, let me get this straight. You are afraid that you are cheating him by giving him an opportunity to follow through on something that he wants for himself, at a time that you also want it for yourself?”
She frowned. “It made more sense last night,” she announced.
“Good,” he said, “because it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense right now.”
She stared at him, trying to figure it all out. “I think I’m hoping that, because of what we had before, it will work out this time,” she said. “And that means, I’m not seeing him for who he is now. So I’m cheating him by going into this with hidden dreams and half-opened eyes.”
“Okay, so let’s go back to your brother. If you knew ahead of time what you knew now, would you still have done what you did for him?”
“Of course,” she said.
“And why is that?”
“Because the time I had with him was precious.”
“So is the time that you have available with Nash also precious?”
She stared at him and sank back against her chair. “Meaning that, if it is, I should be grateful to have the time that I have with him, regardless of how it ends up.”
“Life gives no guarantees of anything,” he said. “You know that. You’ve already been there. You also know that you could have another relationship with a person who is 100 percent healthy physically and yet damaged mentally. Or, let’s say, this other person is 100 percent whole, both of body and of mind, and he could still get hit by a bus next week and end up in bed for life. Or dead.”
“I tried to explain that to my friend too.”
“And, of course, she didn’t understand because she hasn’t come up against that kind of difficulty yet in her life,” he said. “You have. Now it’s really all about one issue. Do you want whatever time with Nash that you have available, or do you not want whatever time with Nash that you have available? That goes to how you really feel about him.”
“What if I’m wrong?” she said, highlighting another fear. “What if I’m just playing this out because I know it’s time to step back into the dating world, and he is a safe way to start? We had a prior relationship. I know so much about him. So maybe it’s easier with Nash. Maybe I’m using him as a crutch.”
“Are you?”
She frowned, searched deep inside, feeling the answer instinctively burst from her chest with relief. “No,” she said. “Not at all.”
“So, now that you’ve asked yourself that question, and you’ve answered that question, what’s the next question?”
“What if I’m cheating him?” she said instantly.
“That goes back to your brother again,” he said. “Do you think your brother—though he knew how much pain and torment he was causing you, and, in his mind, he was hurting your chances at a real life—do you think he didn’t appreciate the fact that you were there? And do you think that he didn’t love you?”
“He absolutely loved me,” she said. “I think it was a very difficult time for him.”
“And do you think that you cheated him?”
“Of course not,” she said. “That’s out of the question.”
“So how could you be cheating Nash?”
She frowned.
He nodded. “You are looking to throw up roadblocks to stop your progress. That’s the real issue here.”
“But why would I do that?”
He smiled and said, “Fear.”
“Fear of what?”
“You tell me,” he said, instantly turning the question around. “What are you afraid of?”
“I’m afraid of it not working out,” she said. “I’m afraid of it being a failure.” And then she added with a whisper, “Me … failing. Again.”
“Again? When were you ever a failure?”
“When I walked away from him,” she said in a reasonable tone of voice.
“It was mutual, was it not?”
She nodded. “It was.”
“So where is that again from?”
She took a look out the window, not wanting to see him and to see the expression on his face.
“Look at me,” he said, as if instinctively knowing she was trying to hide from him.
When she turned to him, she could feel the tears in her eyes.
“When were you a failure before?”
And she started to bawl. “It’s not fair,” she sobbed. “I did everything I could.”
“And you still couldn’t save your brother, could you?” He pushed the box of Kleenex toward her.
She snatched up half a dozen in her hands, but, instead of blowing her nose and drying her face, she clenched them in her fists as the tears like a waterfall opened up from inside her. She cried and cried and cried. When she was finally done, she found a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, that the doctor must have placed there, and she didn’t even know when that had happened. She was curled up in a ball on her chair, her knees tucked up against her chest. She took several slow breaths as she tried to calm down, and she ended up with little hiccups.
When she could finally speak, she said, “Whoa, where did that come from?”
“From very deep inside you,” he said. “Where you are so ashamed and so afraid that you were the reason that your brother didn’t live, so that you hid it from yourself, from everybody around you. But it’s one of those things, this guilt, that will kill you on the inside.”
“Guilt? Guilt for what?”
“You loved your brother. You loved him incredibly well. You did everything you could for him, and still life can throw some deadly curveballs. And it turned around and kicked you in the butt, and it took him from you. That was not your fault.”
Hot tears still rolled down her ravaged cheeks, but she felt his words inside, and she also felt the truth of them. “I didn’t …” she started to say, and then she stopped.
“You did,” he said. “You didn’t realize how you had taken all this on. But you did because you loved him so much, and it was so hard to deal with the loss. You needed a target, but the target became you because that was the only thing you could think of to do. Besides, it felt right because, if you could do more, could have been there more, could have seen him more, could have found another specialist—whatever it was that you were trying to rack yourself with—then you could have maybe saved him.”
She could feel an emptiness inside. She didn’t understand how that could be, unless it was a lack of fluid from all the tears she had just poured out all over her shirt and into the Kleenexes. “It feels so strange right now.”
“Tell me.”
“I feel empty in a way. Hollow.”
“Then that’s a good thing.”
She looked at him in surprise. “You always say the opposite to what I’m expecting.”
“That … deluge that just erupted was in that hollow,” he said. “That was a red-hot ball of guilt, that anger that you couldn’t change the outcome, that pain that you were so sure that you could do something, that if you just tried one more thing, that it would have worked.”
She nodded slowly. “I never even told you about it all,” she said. “I wrote letters everywhere. I contacted specialists the world over. And I couldn’t change anything. It was a horrible moment when I realized I was helpless.”
“Realizing that we are literally paralyzed as we the face the wrath of Mother Nature, or of supposed acts of God, all those events over which we have no control,” he said, “that’s one of the hardest lessons for any of us to learn. And so many of us never even come up against those hard lessons. In your case, you had to learn it, and you had to get over it.”
“I don’t think I got over anything,” she said, staring at him. “I feel like I’ve been a fraud.”
“You are not a fraud,” he said gently. “You’ve been in a coping mechanism. You’ve been dealing with life and with the cards you were dealt. You were doing the best you could, and honestly, I’ll tell you that you’ve done a great job.”
She sm
iled and said, “Wow, I mean, only you would say that. I’m sitting here, bawling my eyes out because I couldn’t save my brother from a cancer that ravished his body. Most people wouldn’t understand why I’m messed up over that.”
“It doesn’t matter what other people think,” he said. “You loved your brother.”
“We were very, very close,” she said quietly. “Sometimes I felt like he was the only one who really understood me.”
“Which would have made his illness and his passing even harder for both of you,” he said in the gentlest of tones.
She took several more calming breaths, feeling her insides relax and widen and open up. She stared out the window and said, “I didn’t expect all that was in there.”
“We never really know what’s inside,” he said, “until we start opening up to let it out.”
She looked all around, smiled, and said, “You’re really good at your job. You know that, right?”
He grinned. “Thank you,” he said. “Every once in a while, it’s nice to hear that. We get a really bad rap.”
She laughed. “You do,” she said. “The whole profession does.”
“Will you be able to go through your workday like normal, or do you need to take some time off?”
“No,” she said. “It would be much better if I go through the day. Staying at home and thinking about all this stuff would probably drive me crazy.”
“So what would make you happy right now?”
“I would like a hug from Nash,” she said quietly. “Just to have him hold me and tell me that it’ll be okay.”
“Is there any reason you can’t?”
“I’m not sure,” she said, looking at the clock. “He’s probably gone to breakfast.”
“Maybe not. Maybe he’s late this morning. Or maybe he went early, and he’s back again.”
She hopped to her feet and said, “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll go check.”
“You do that,” he said, and she ran out of the room.
Nash rolled over and groaned. He’d had a bad night, and every ounce of his body reflected it. He stared out the window and realized that it had to be late in the morning because it was bright and sunny, and birds were no longer chirping. He shifted so he could check his cell phone, and, sure enough, it was already eight. He flopped back down on his bed, as he stared at the ceiling, trying to grapple with the idea that breakfast was almost over, and then he had his first appointment at some point in time. So now he reached for his tablet to check his schedule, pulling up what he would start his day with.
Just then a knock came at his door.
“Come in,” he called out, expecting it to be Shane, here to chase him out of bed. As it was, it was Alicia.
She came in, took a long look at him in bed, and her smile fell away. “Are you okay?” she asked instantly.
He gave her a lopsided grin. “I’m fine. I just didn’t sleep well last,” he said. “Now I’ve overslept.” He shifted so he was sitting up in the bed, the sheets still covering most of him. “I was expecting Shane, complaining that I was missing out on my session.”
“Look. I could go tell him that you just woke up,” she said. “Sometimes you need that extra break.”
“She’s right,” Shane said, coming through the doorway. He grinned when he saw Alicia here. “On the other hand, if you are up and ready …”
“I just woke up,” Nash said. “I haven’t eaten, and I’m feeling a little on the sore side.”
“Perfect,” Shane said. “Go get food, not much, and then we’ll do the first half of your session in the hot tub. Just stretches to warm you up.”
“I could do that,” he said.
Shane checked his watch. “Can you be done in thirty?”
He looked at him and said, “Why don’t we make it nine?”
“I’m good with that.” And Shane turned and walked back out again.
Nash looked at her and said, “Well, that was easy.” Then he flipped the bedding back and swung his legs over the side and slowly stood. “I think stretching will be just about right for today,” he said.
“I imagine it will be,” she said, as she kind of bounced from one leg to the other.
“What’s the matter?”
She stilled, paused. “Technically nothing.”
“Which means something,” he said curiously. “Bad news?”
“No,” she said. “I had a breakthrough this morning, and I’m feeling a little bit on the delicate side.”
Immediately he opened his arms.
She looked at him hesitatingly, but, when the sob broke free, she raced toward him.
He braced himself against the bed, knowing that she wasn’t even thinking about his body, and he was grateful for that. His arms closed securely around her, and he just held her close. She didn’t sob much longer, and he could feel the shakes inside her. “Well, let’s hope the breakthrough,” he whispered against her hair, “was good news?”
“It was,” she said. “It’s all so stupid.”
“Often that kind of stuff is stupid,” he said. “It’s as if we take on the ills of the world, without really thinking it through.”
“Yeah, something like that,” she said, shaking her head. “And I feel so foolish for it, but, at the same time, I’m feeling so much lighter right now.” She leaned back, looked up at him, and said, “Thank you.”
“Thank me for what?” he asked, confused.
“For being here.”
And he hugged her gently and cuddled her close for a long moment.
Then she stepped back and said, “Now I have to get to work, and you need to get some food. Make sure you eat.” And, with that, she tossed him a bright smile, with a bright laugh, and she disappeared.
Then Shane returned to his doorway, looking at Nash with a bemused smirk.
Nash shrugged and said, “I’m not really sure what all that was about, but apparently I didn’t suck at my response.”
Shane burst out laughing. “Honestly I think you handled that very well.”
“So, is there a reason you are back again?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I haven’t eaten either. So I was wondering if you want to go down and have breakfast together.”
Pleased and also a little bit thrilled that he’d asked him, Nash said immediately, “Yes. If you can wait five minutes, so I can get some clothes on.”
“Perfect,” he said. “But you’ve got to walk.”
He rolled his eyes at that. “Why do I have to do that?”
“Because you need to,” he said. “You’ve had quite the habit of sliding backward, making it easy on you.”
Nash smiled and headed to the bathroom. When he came back out, Shane was on his phone at the doorway. Nash dressed quickly and slowly walked toward him.
Shane watched Nash the whole time, then finally ended his call. “Are you walking slow because you are stiff or walking slow because you are uncertain?”
“I think I’m just walking slow because I am tired,” he said.
“Good enough. Come on. Let’s go.”
As they headed toward the dining room, Nash asked, “How come you didn’t get breakfast?”
“Because I slept in too,” he said with a laugh.
“Ah, so it’s not just me?”
“No. Absolutely it’s not just you. Happens to the best of us.”
Once they got to the dining room, Nash looked at Shane and said, “Oh, I know why you needed a wingman. You’re probably scared of Dennis.”
At that, Shane burst out laughing. “Dennis is the very last person to be scared of in this place.”
“I heard my name,” Dennis called out from behind them. They turned to see him cleaning up the tables along the nearest wall. “Boy, you guys are late. Were you hoping for food?”
“Absolutely hoping for food. Is it possible?” Nash asked.
“I didn’t get any breakfast either,” Shane said.
“What’s with you two?” Dennis asked. “That so
unds terrible.”
“Tough night for both of us,” Shane said.
“Let’s go,” Dennis said. “What can I get you?”
“Any leftovers?”
“There are always leftovers. It goes along with making sure there’s enough food for everybody. I can do you up some fresh eggs, plus sausages and bacon and ham. Hmm, maybe no ham, but there’s definitely sausage though.”
Shane looked at Nash and then back to Dennis and said, “Why don’t you make us up two big protein platters?”
“Got it. Two eggs or three?”
Nash immediately said, “Three, please.”
Shane nodded. “I’ll have three too.” With that, Shane walked to the coffee section, while Dennis disappeared into the kitchen.
“It never occurred to me,” Nash said, “that I could come here and order breakfast, like at a restaurant. I feel bad asking Dennis to go out of his way.”
“Understood,” Shane said. “I certainly don’t make a habit of it either, but today? It’s a one-off.”
“Any problems?”
“No,” he said. “But I did get engaged last night, so it was both happy and nerve-racking. Plus I’m wondering how to make it all work out. Lots of stuff that kept me up all night.”
“Oh, congratulations,” he said. “I am really happy for you.”
“Me too,” he said. “Melissa and I, we haven’t known each other all that long, but, when it’s right, it’s right.”
“That’s what I was thinking,” Nash said. “I’m still dealing with nerves myself. But then you are able-bodied and don’t have the same issues.”
“You are able-bodied too,” he said. “At this point in time, the issues are in your head.”
Nash looked at him in surprise. “You don’t pull your punches, do you?”
“Not here, not now, not in this place,” he said. “At times we have to be easy on you, but, at other times, I think it’s a failing to make life too easy and to have you think things that aren’t true. You’re doing incredibly well. You’ll be out of here in no time. You have a whole future ahead of you, and there’s absolutely no reason not to have a partner while you head in that direction.”
“I love the sound of that,” he said. “Obviously, as you know, it’s Alicia who’s got my heart.”