Paper Boats

by Lestari, Dee

  Luhde’s face turned red. “What do you mean, Poyan?”

  “Of all the people in this house, I’m closest to you both. I can feel the change between the two of you.”

  Luhde’s brow furrowed. “Who—”

  “You and Keenan,” said Wayan matter-of-factly.

  Luhde fell silent. All she could do was blink nervously.

  “Be careful. Take your time. Fall bit by bit, not all at once. Learn from my experience.” Wayan spoke gently, but there was a bitterness in his faint smile.

  Slowly, Luhde nodded. She knew what her uncle was referring to.

  “It isn’t easy being someone else’s shadow,” Wayan continued. “It’s better to wait until the heart heals and makes its decisions with more clarity, free of shadows entirely.” He patted Luhde’s shoulder. Then he left.

  Luhde stayed there for a while, perfectly still, reflecting. Finally, her eyes came to rest on her notebook. She realized what she had been putting all her heart into trying to achieve. She realized what shadows her uncle was talking about. Her eyes grew hot.

  May 2002

  Eko was late again. He should have picked up Noni from her boarding house ten minutes ago. For the past six months, Noni had been giving private English lessons to a group of middle school students. She conducted lessons at one of the students’ houses once a week. With an irritable expression and her arms folded, Noni was sitting in a chair on the front terrace. Several bags containing papers and books were at her feet.

  Eko knew what lay in store for him.

  “Noni . . .”

  Noni gathered up her things and approached Fuad briskly, her lips clamped tight.

  “Here, let me help—”

  “I’ve got it,” she snapped. “Enough already. Let’s just go. I’m so late.”

  “I’m really sorry . . .”

  “If you can’t pick me up, just say so! I could have taken an angkot, or called a taxi, or gotten a lift with someone else. But now my whole schedule is thrown off. And my poor students are waiting for me. Where were you?”

  “There was an emergency. I’m so sorry.”

  “What emergency?”

  “Kugy’s computer crashed and her thesis defense is in two weeks. So she panicked and I helped bring her computer to a repair shop. Luckily, they managed to retrieve all the data. Crazy, man. I don’t know what would’ve happened if the whole thing had to be typed up again.”

  For the past few weeks Eko had been at Kugy’s boarding house all the time helping her with her thesis. Eko had even canceled a date with Noni to help Kugy type it up.

  For the whole ride, Noni didn’t say a word.

  Fuad pulled up by the gate in front of the house. Eko turned off the engine and looked at Noni with despair. “Please say something. Swear, complain—do what you usually do. But don’t be silent like this. I’d rather you got mad at me than give me the silent treatment.”

  With great difficulty, Noni picked up all her bags and got out of the car.

  “Wait! Let me help!” Eko scrambled out of the car and trailed after her. She was walking so fast that it looked like she was running away.

  “Why don’t you wait till after Kugy defends her thesis before you see me again?” huffed Noni as she kept walking.

  June 2002

  Doing a little joget dance to Duran Duran, Kugy double-checked to make sure all the documents for her presentation tomorrow were complete, including the notes she had prepared in anticipation of questions the committee might ask. Reassuring herself that everything was ready, she let out a deep breath. Now she really felt ready. And this song never sounded so good.

  “Is the situation under control?” asked Eko, dancing a joget as well.

  “Roger that, Commander,” said Kugy as she gave him a thumbs-up. “Hey, we should choreograph this. Could be a military-style joget or something.”

  “I’m all in,” said Eko. “Know why I’m dancing? I’ll tell you why—I’m in awe. Who’d have thought a friend of mine would be one of the few to get their diploma in less than four years? Damn you all.”

  Kugy stopped in her tracks. “Thanks, Eko. From the bottom of my heart. I don’t know whether I would have finished this if it weren’t for you.”

  “I told you already, don’t get all mushy in front of me or I’ll poke you in the eye.” Eko chuckled.

  “I’m serious,” Kugy said. “If there’s anything I can help you with, please let me know, okay? I owe you one.”

  Eko stopped dancing and thought for a minute. “Actually, there is something I need your help with.”

  “Anything.”

  “I want you to speak to Noni after you defend your thesis. Make things right. I can’t guarantee you’ll be able to reconcile right away. But at least, you’ll have tried. Okay?” His voice was gentle. “For me? Please?”

  Of all the requests Eko could have made, Kugy had dreaded this one the most. But a promise was a promise. She nodded.

  The door opened and Noni greeted Eko in a flat voice. “Yeah. What is it?”

  “Are you still mad?” asked Eko.

  “It doesn’t matter,” Noni answered. “As long as Kugy still has to defend her thesis, nothing matters—”

  “She’s defending it tomorrow,” Eko interrupted. “You could come to show your support. She’d be so happy if you came.”

  “Will she be happy or will you be happy?”

  “Noni, come on! You two have been friends for how many years? Are you really going to give it all up over a little problem like this? You don’t even know what the problem is! All of a sudden you just stopped talking to each other. And on top of it all, you’re both equally stubborn! I don’t get it.”

  “The problem has always been out in the open,” Noni declared. “Namely that she’s not! She’s never open with us! That’s the problem. And what makes it even more annoying is you’re always taking her side!”

  “Noni, that’s not true. I’m not taking sides, I just want you two—”

  “Are you really so naïve, or are you just playing innocent? Just admit it already.”

  Eko frowned. “Admit what?”

  “You’ve had a crush on her since middle school, long before we started dating. And the part of you that’s crazy for Kugy still hasn’t changed. You’re always praising her. She can never do wrong in your eyes. You love her and she’ll always have a special place in your heart. Isn’t that right?” Noni was trying not to cry. Her voice quivered. Everything she had been holding in was finally coming out.

  Eko’s jaw dropped. “Noni! She’s my friend! Of course I love that lunatic! But it’s not the kind of love you think. Geez, what’s with you?”

  “Why don’t you ask yourself that question?” Noni yelled. “What’s with you?”

  She slammed the door in Eko’s face. He knocked and called her name, but it was no use.

  CHAPTER 28

  ADVOCADO

  Kugy’s thesis defense was attended by her closest friends. Ami, Ical, Eko, and Bimo were there, among others. Only Eko waited with her as the committee made its decision. He and Kugy sat on a bench outside the room. They didn’t say much—just gazed blankly ahead.

  Suddenly, Mr. Danar, the administrative assistant who was on friendly terms with Kugy, poked his head out. “The decision is in!”

  “From the look on Mr. Danar’s face, I think you got an A,” Eko whispered as he followed Kugy down the hall.

  “Really? I saw a C written on his face . . . or that I didn’t pass. Oh, I’m so nervous.”

  “Here,” said Mr. Danar. “You can see for yourself.” He posted the sheet announcing the results of the three thesis-defense sessions held that morning.

  “An A plus?” cried Eko.

  Kugy clapped her hands over her mouth. Her eyes looked like they were going to fall out of her head. “I don’t believe it.”

  “You got the highest score, you moron!” Eko shouted, shaking Kugy by the shoulders. “Damn it! You’re so amazing!”

  Ku
gy turned around to face him and hugged him tightly. “Thank you, Eko,” she whispered, teary eyed. “I would never have been able to do it if it weren’t for you.”

  Eko was caught off guard by her reaction, but slowly, the tension in his body melted away, and he returned Kugy’s embrace. “No problem. I’m so happy for you.” Then he gave Kugy’s forehead a playful slap. “Hey, be careful. I’ve already been your errand boy for the past two months. Don’t get all sentimental on me now. And stop crying all the time.”

  Kugy loosened her embrace. “From now on, I will forever be your errand girl.”

  Eko reached into his pocket and handed over his car keys. “You can start by being my driver.”

  “Sure thing, boss,” Kugy answered, standing at attention. “Please, let me drive. I’ll also get you something to eat. And something to drink. But as usual, you’ll have to pay.”

  “You’re the worst employee ever!” Eko sputtered, laughing.

  Someone was watching them from a distance as they walked away, their arms around each other. It was Noni. That morning, she had begun to regret the accusations she had hurled at Eko, and she had felt compelled to come to campus to show Kugy her support. With fear and reluctance still weighing on her heart, Noni had managed to overcome these emotions and had gone to the rooms where the thesis-defense sessions were held. But after what she’d just witnessed, she and Kugy were finished.

  Part of her was devastated. What she feared most had in fact become reality. Eko really did love Kugy. And from what she had just seen, it wasn’t unrequited, either.

  Noni tried to stay strong and hold her head up high as she walked away. Her chest rose and fell with the effort it took to hold back her tears. She wished she could just fly away and be gone. Then her strength failed her.

  Kugy hadn’t been to the boarding house in ages. She had lived there for two years. It was her first home in Bandung. Yet soon she would be leaving the city entirely. She looked around, every corner stirring up a whole series of memories. Kugy shook her head, as if she were trying to shake something off. She continued walking toward the room, then glanced at the sign: “Noni Is In.”

  Kugy took a deep breath and knocked. The door opened and there was Noni, caught by surprise. She hadn’t been expecting Kugy at all.

  Kugy contorted her lips into the widest smile she could manage. “Hi, Noni! How are you?”

  Noni didn’t say a word. She gave Kugy a look that made it clear she didn’t want to be disturbed.

  “I passed my thesis defense this morning, and Karel is already trying to find work for me in Jakarta. I’m going to try interning before getting a paid job. So I want to say good-bye. And I’d love to chat for a bit.” Kugy tried to keep her tone as bright as possible. “Can I come in?” she asked hesitantly.

  Noni didn’t budge. “Congratulations on graduating,” she said. “But I have a lot of work to do. Sorry.”

  “Maybe I can help?” Kugy offered.

  Noni shook her head.

  “Actually, there’s something I really want to speak to you about,” Kugy said with a slight stammer. “I-I want us to be friends again, like before. I’m sorry about everything. But even now, I don’t know where to start—”

  “I appreciate the effort,” Noni interrupted. “But that’s all history now. It’s better if we keep things the way they are. It’s a lot easier—for me, for you, and probably for Eko, too.”

  Kugy felt a sharp jab in her heart. She dreaded what would come next, but she couldn’t help herself. “Why?” she asked.

  Noni clenched her jaw. How she longed to spew out all her frustrations, like a barrage of bullets. But she didn’t know where to begin. “All my life, for as long as we’ve been friends, I’ve always had to accept that you’re prettier, smarter, and better than me at everything. Still, I was never jealous—because I loved you so much. But this time, you’ve hurt me too much, using all your strengths to your advantage . . .” Noni tried to control her voice as she spoke.

  Kugy tried to digest her friend’s words, but she couldn’t grasp what she was saying.

  “I know Eko sympathizes with your situation. He loves you. We both did once. But just because he’s the only one left who’ll talk to you doesn’t mean you have the right to overstep your boundaries. If you really had a heart, you would know your place. If it’s a choice between acting all buddy-buddy but stabbing your friend in the back, or becoming a stranger and not backstabbing, I suggest you do the latter. Either way, I don’t have room for you in my life anymore.”

  “Noni, you’ve got it all wrong! Completely!” Kugy was so stunned she could barely breathe. “I didn’t mean anything like that. There’s never been anything between Eko and me. We’re just friends—”

  “Okay.” Noni cut her off sharply. “I have a confession to make. I came to campus earlier to attend your thesis defense and show my support. Now I have something to ask you.” Her expression hardened. “Was Josh ever my constant companion for weeks on end? Did I ever go around hugging him in public?”

  Kugy tried to understand what was going on, what Noni had seen, what she was thinking. “You’re talking about what happened on campus this afternoon? I was just . . . Geez, Noni. I’ve been friends with Eko for ten years. We’re like brother and sister. How can you compare my relationship with Eko to your relationship with Josh?”

  “If you cared about my feelings, you wouldn’t make excuses like this. You should know your place. Don’t play innocent, Kugy. Eko’s always had a soft spot for you. Now it’s up to you: Are you going to acknowledge I’m his girlfriend, or are you going to act like I don’t exist?”

  Kugy bowed her head, recalling all she’d been through these past two years. Suddenly she felt exhausted. “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say,” she said slowly.

  Those words pierced Noni’s heart, but she kept her composure. “See?” she said coldly. “Now you get it, don’t you? Why I said we shouldn’t change anything? It’s better this way.”

  Kugy nodded. “Yes, it’s better this way.”

  Noni closed the door.

  When Kugy reached her boarding house, she didn’t waste any time packing. She was going home to Jakarta as quickly as possible. There was nothing keeping her in Bandung. Nothing at all.

  That night, Kugy also decided to get rid of all the memories and problems weighing on her heart and cast them far, far away. Noni included.

  August 2002

  Kugy stared at herself in the mirror—something she’d been doing on and off for the past half hour. This was probably the longest she’d ever looked at her reflection. In fact, she’d hardly ever used the mirror before this because she didn’t really care about what she saw there. Yet today, she felt that something was definitely not right.

  There was something wrong with the knee-length skirt she was wearing, with the high heels on her feet, with the clutch purse she was carrying, with the sudden fullness of her hair due to the curlers she’d worn all morning.

  “Why do I look so awful?” she moaned, turning to Karin—the person responsible for the way she looked.

  “I’ll tell you what’s awful, Kugy—your eyesight and your fashion sense. If you want to work in an office, if you want to look interesting, attractive, and professional, then this is how you dress!”

  Karel, who had just finished breakfast, poked his head in. “Kugy, let’s go—” He stopped midsentence and stared in amazement at his younger sister. “Did you get your information right? You know, you’re going to be a co-py-wri-ter.” He enunciated each syllable. “Not a fashion editor. Not a receptionist. And not a sales promotion girl!”

  Karin glared at him. “Karel, this is what you call ‘style,’ okay? Something you wouldn’t know anything about, either. So leave it to the expert, please?”

  “Karin, I’ve been to this office several times. Even the boss wears jeans to work. And Kugy is going to be in the creative department. In this matter, I’m the expert. So please, don’t use our little siste
r as a guinea pig for your fashion experiments, okay?”

  “Fine, fine.” Karin turned away. “Obviously the problem here is that we have different tastes.”

  This was Kugy’s cue to shout for joy. “Hooray! So I can just wear my own clothes, right?” She ran to her room to change.

  Before long she was standing in the dining room, inviting her siblings to comment. “What do you think of this?”

  She wore the long black skirt she’d bought for her thesis defense and the white collared shirt she’d been required to wear to Founding National Principles class. Karel’s denim jacket was draped over her shoulders, and on her wrist was her Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles watch, painful as always to behold.

  Karel swallowed. He glanced at Karin, his eyes pleading for help.

  Before entering the office building, Kugy stopped and surveyed it from the front. Printed in large leaf-green letters on the stone wall was the company’s name: AdVocaDo. Everything still looked new. Located in a residential area in South Jakarta, the small two-story building looked very artistic and almost gallery-like. Its design was minimalist but with bold red accents on the door and window frames, and the statues were overlaid in bright metal. That wasn’t all—the office was surrounded by a tropical Balinese-style garden, lush and beautiful.

  The interior was equally as impressive. From the lighting to the furniture, Kugy could tell at once that the person in charge had above-average taste. And from the works of art she saw everywhere, Kugy quickly deduced that the owner of the firm was a dedicated art lover.

  As she sat with Karel on the sofa in the waiting area, Kugy’s eyes roamed her potential new workplace.

  Before long, a man emerged and walked toward them. “Karel! How are you?”

  Karel rose and the two men embraced. Kugy stood up as well. She felt awkward. She rarely gave people’s appearances a second thought, but this man had changed the atmosphere of the room just by his presence. Kugy had imagined Remigius Aditya would be much older, but the owner of AdVocaDo was still very young. He looked approachable in his short-sleeved collared shirt and black jeans, and his face was handsome and fresh, as if he’d just come from a spa.