31 Days of Autumn

by Fallowfield, C. J.

  ‘I’ll agree on the condition that I walk you down those stairs. I’ve no idea if you were conscious or not when you were put down there, or after they shot you, but with your history of nerves on stairs, and given how dark it is, no way are you doing them without me.’

  ‘Ok,’ I agreed. It wasn’t like I had a choice, he’d just throw me over his shoulder and carry me home, and Dean needed me.

  ‘You don’t have to do this,’ Dan urged as I stood at the bottom of the concrete stairs, my whole body trembling. My stomach was churning and my palms were sweaty. I couldn’t have a panic attack now, not when I’d come this far. Dean angled the torch up the long dark corridor, the smell of damp invading my nostrils and taking me right back to a few weeks ago.

  ‘Let’s go, Dean,’ I said firmly, determined I was going to be strong. I was doing this for Jenny, to give her man some closure. He nodded and offered me his hand, which I willingly took. I heard Dan sigh behind me as we set off, Dean’s torch leading the way. I had no memories at all of the stairs or this corridor, and I’d certainly had no idea how far underground we were being held, but that smell, the change in the texture of the air, that was all far too familiar.

  When the thick metal door appeared ahead of us, each step we took towards it had my heart beating even harder and faster against my chest. Dean looked at me as he offered me the torch and I took it from him, the beam of light jerking over the door as my hands shook. My mouth went dry when he grasped the handle, which looked like a large valve, and started turning it. The grating noise reminded me of how scared I’d been every time I’d heard it, not knowing who was coming in or why. He pushed against it, slowly swinging it open, and the smell hit me straight away. It wasn’t the last smell I remembered, of decomposing corpses and a toilet that hadn’t been flushed in days, but rather of bleach and chemicals, like the hospital. I angled the torch on the floor just inside the door where Delta had bled out, but there was no trace of it. The toilet and sink were as clean as old specimens like that could be. It was like nothing had ever happened down here. Only James and I would ever remember. I sincerely hoped that Oliver wouldn’t in time.

  ‘Jesus,’ Dean whispered as I moved the torch to look in the far right-hand corner where I’d slept every night. I swallowed hard as he took my hand again. ‘Maybe she was better going fast, because I can’t imagine being stuck down here all alone, not knowing if help was coming. I’m so sorry you went through that and for making you come back.’

  I nodded, not able to say anything. I closed my eyes as I visualised James and Jenny on their knees, Charlie standing behind them with the gun. I moved the torch back behind me, looking for the right-hand edge of the door frame that had been directly behind her. I then ran the beam in as straight a line forward as I could with my hands trembling, to where I remembered her being.

  ‘There?’ Dean asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I croaked. We stood in silence. The only sound I could hear was my blood pounding in my ears. I watched as Dean squatted and ran his fingers over the concrete floor, right around where her knees had been. He pulled something out of his pocket, kissed it, and put it on the floor. I couldn’t fight my tears anymore when I saw what it was. It was the item I’d put in his hand before the service, a small red wooden heart made of two pieces. I’d been clear to Brooke and Molly that they were to make sure to put it safely in my room before letting her parents in to clear out her things. I knew what it meant to them both. Jenny had kept it on her bedside table wherever we were staying. Dean had given it to her the first time that he told her that he loved her and said that one piece was his heart that he was gifting to her. When she was ready to give her piece to him, that was when they’d truly be united as one, the couple and the heart. I remembered thinking how romantic that had been, and now he was doing it again, leaving both of their hearts in here, the last place she’d been alive. I saw him reach up to wipe his face as he whispered something. I dropped the torch and ran to the corner, not needing the light to know where the toilet was, I’d memorised every inch of this small space. I threw up as I sobbed uncontrollably, then I started to scream with anger.

  Dan

  I started running as soon as I heard her screams. I couldn’t see where I was going, so I let my fingers trail across the rough wall to guide me as I moved as fast as I could. I hated hearing her in pain. I’d been worried that this might happen, but maybe her feeling it, expressing it at last, was a good sign. She’d not been the same since she’d woken up in the hospital. I couldn’t expect her to be. She’d seemed so happy to be reunited with me that first day she woke up, but slowly I could feel her slipping out of my fingers. She was distant and cold with me. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get the Ellie I knew back, but any version of her was better than none at all.

  ‘Ellie?’ I yelled as I heard her screams give way to sobs.

  ‘Here, Sir,’ Dean called, a beam of light appearing on the floor to guide me to him. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  ‘It’s not your fault, Dean. She decided to do this and nothing was going to stop her. She’s one stubborn woman. I just hope that you got what you came here for,’ I said as I moved towards her. She was hunched-up over the toilet, her shoulders jerking with every sob.

  ‘I did,’ he replied sadly.

  ‘Good, then let’s get out of here, unless you want some time alone?’ I scooped Ellie up into my arms.

  ‘No thanks,’ he replied quickly. I couldn’t agree more, the place gave me the chills as well. I kissed Ellie’s forehead as I strode next to Dean. She was trembling in my arms. If she ever expressed a desire to come here again, my answer was going to be a firm no.

  Day Thirty

  Saturday 10th October

  Ellie

  ‘Morning,’ Dan whispered against my shoulder with a gentle kiss.

  ‘Morning,’ I replied, quickly struggling out of his arms when I felt his erection against my back.

  ‘What’s the rush?’ he asked, as I padded around our large bed towards the en-suite.

  ‘I have a lot to do, we’re flying today. I need to pack up everyone’s things and go and cook lunch.’ I avoided looking at his face, he’d know I was lying. I’d nearly finished packing last night and I’d prepared everything to do a big beef stroganoff for lunch, which would hardly take any time.

  ‘Brooke and Molly will help you pack. Besides, it’s not like we have to take a load of stuff with us. Come back to bed,’ he coaxed.

  ‘I’m up now, I’m wide awake, so I may as well get on.’ I shut the en-suite door and quickly jumped in the shower, using my coconut shampoo to lather up my hair. I didn’t know how to tell him that I felt suffocated at the moment. His concern was too much. I had no right to be happy, to be loved, when my friend had that chance stripped away from her. I groaned when he pressed up behind me, his hands clutching my waist, his fingers circling it tightly as he kissed my neck. ‘Please don’t.’

  ‘You need to talk to me, Ellie. I’m not going to pressure you for sex, I never would, but now you’re even avoiding kissing me or holding my hand, and you’ve no idea how much that hurts. It’s like I only got part of you back, but some of you is still in that bunker. The therapist thought that making you confront it head-on by going back there yesterday would help, but it seems to have made you even more isolated. I can’t help if you won’t let me in and I miss you.’

  ‘Dan, I know that you mean well and I love you for trying, but I just buried one of my best friends yesterday, on top of going back into that hellhole. Now isn’t the time.’

  ‘She was my friend, too. Don’t make out that none of this affects me,’ he snapped. I spun around to look up at him as I swept the downpour of water out of my face. He just didn’t get it, he didn’t get it at all. I felt like we were slowly drifting apart, and while it was my fault, it still terrified me. I loved him so much, but I still hadn’t let go of my anger at him over Oliver or the guilt I was feeling for still being here.

  ‘I’m sorry, but you know well enough t
hat when someone’s not ready to deal with things, they’re not ready. How many times did I try to get you to open up about your past, about the things that hurt you? It took more than a year, Dan, so you can’t pressure me when it’s barely been three weeks for me to handle this. I need time. I need time to grieve for my friend, I need time to come to terms with what happened to me, and to our son who’s still having nightmares and crawling into bed with us in the middle of the night. I had to take him back to his own bed earlier this morning.’

  ‘Don’t shut me out, Ellie. I do know what it was like to keep all of that guilt and anger inside and I don’t want that for you. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, let alone the woman I love. You never gave up pushing me to deal with things, I’m not going to either.’

  ‘Don’t force me into a corner, Dan,’ I warned, feeling like I was there already with no way out of this mess. I made an instant, snap decision and swallowed hard, knowing what I was about to say would hurt both of us, but I couldn’t see an alternative right now. ‘I’m not you, I need to handle this in my own way, and if you won’t give me time and space to do that, then I think we need some time apart, to take a break from each other.’

  ‘You’re talking about leaving me?’ he gasped, stepping back and running his hands through his hair with a look of complete devastation on his face. It was like he’d just fired an arrow directly into my heart. I was back in the old kitchen of this London house, when I told him to leave and never come back. I’d forgotten how painful that was, but I couldn’t see another way.

  ‘I’m talking about us living separately for a while. I think it would be better if I took the children back to Scotland, to get them back into their routines and Oliver back to school. You could stay here and have them on the weekends maybe.’

  ‘You’re fucking joking, right?’ he bit, anger flaring in his eyes.

  ‘No,’ I replied in a serious tone, though inside I was wavering. ‘You keep asking what you can do to help, I tell you to give me space, and you keep ignoring that. I have to worry about the children, they’re not old enough to understand what’s happened, but you are, Dan. I can’t take on the guilt of worrying about you and your feelings on top of trying to deal with my own. I’m sorry if that sounds selfish, but I don’t know another way to get past this. Stay here in London until I’ve processed all of this and I’m ready to be your wife again.’

  ‘You are my wife, Ellie, for better or for worse. I didn’t give up a life of solitude to marry you and have a family, only to go back to the life I had before. You’ve got to stop punishing me for making one mistake. By keeping me away from Oliver, Jonas, and Eva, you’re punishing them, too. They’ve just lost Jenny and now you want to restrict my time with them? What if you need a break, who’s going to be there to support you?’ he demanded.

  ‘You know who. Just because we’re having problems doesn’t change what we discussed last week, and if their answer is no, I’ve got Mrs. McAdams to help out and I can look for a new full-time nanny. You asked what I needed and I told you. I’m telling you now that I need a break. We can either spend the rest of the day fighting, or you can accept it and enjoy spending that time with the children before we leave later.’

  ‘I’ll never fucking accept it, Ellie,’ he snapped, grabbing a towel off the heated rail. ‘Never!’

  I swallowed the lump in my throat as he stormed out of the en-suite and slammed the door. My legs gave away and I slid down the tiles onto the porcelain shower base, pulled my knees to my chest, and rested my forehead on them. I was so confused. One minute I needed him, I’d have a panic attack if he wasn’t in my line of sight, the next I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to eviscerate him, I wanted to hate him. All of the anger that was growing inside of me was directed at Dan and I didn’t know why. He’d done everything in his power to protect me, to protect our children. He couldn’t have done any more, but I needed someone to blame. I needed someone to hate and punish and he was all that I had. All of the men responsible were dead, there was no one else for me to lay this all on.

  I’d let go of my anger so fast when my parents died. I’d accepted it as a tragic accident and chosen not to live with the hate that could have torn me apart from the inside out. But this … it wasn’t an accident. Someone had chosen to take us, to murder Jenny, to beat James to within an inch of his life, to shoot and hurt me and to terrorise my little boy. That I couldn’t forgive, I couldn’t let go of it.

  I had to blame someone.

  I was so worried that if I didn’t spend some time away from Dan and deal with this, I’d end up ruining us. I’d push him away permanently with my anger and refusal to let him touch me sexually. I couldn’t be intimate with him, it seemed so disrespectful to Jenny. How could I have sex and lose myself in the moment, when my friend had just died? When she’d never have the chance to experience everything that I’d had with Dan up until now. I just couldn’t let go and be happy right now and I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t getting that. Willingly separating, giving me the chance to heal on my own, gave us a better chance. We could start afresh, with no baggage, and our relationship would be stronger. I wasn’t sure how I was going to let the children know, how I was going to explain to them that Daddy wasn’t going to see them all week, but I figured seeing us together, with all of this tension and the inevitable fights that were going to happen, would be worse than us being apart. I allowed myself to cry for a moment, I gave in to a fraction of the pain that I was holding inside, then quickly pulled myself together. If I could deal with it one day at a time, like this, it might be bearable. Trying to do it all at once would break me.

  Dan

  I slammed the door as I marched into the garage and activated the remote on the Range Rover. I needed some time alone or I was liable to punch someone. I couldn’t believe Ellie had just asked for a separation, to only give me access to our children on the weekends. Did she not get that I was in pain, too? That everything that hurt her, hurt me even more? That bruise she still wore on her face felt like I’d suffered a broken bone. Every tear she shed was like I’d shed a thousand more. If I couldn’t shelter her from pain, what good was I to her? I started the engine and reversed out into the cobbled mews street. I needed some time alone to try and process this, to try and ignore my own pain and see things from her point of view.

  ‘Sir, stop,’ yelled Andy as he raced out of the garage towards the car with a seriously pissed-off look on his face. I shook my head and put my foot on the accelerator, activating the gates at the end of the street to open. I didn’t want anyone around me. The way I was feeling right now, if I was kidnapped and tortured, it would be a blessing. A just punishment for failing everyone around me. I drove aimlessly for a while. I couldn’t go to my parents, I’d get the third degree and I wasn’t in the mood. I couldn’t go to work, Andy would look for me there. I suddenly recalled another famous kidnapping and turned to head out of the city, towards Westhampton. I pressed my speed dial, hoping I wasn’t about to piss off my lawyer, who was on New York time.

  ‘Austin,’ came the response.

  ‘Robert, Oliver Davenport. I’m so sorry to call you at this time, I’d imagine it’s the middle of the night there?’

  ‘Early hours of the morning, but I’m up working on a case. Is everything alright?’

  ‘No, actually, it’s not. I need some advice.’

  ‘Do you need me back in London?’ he enquired.

  ‘For once, it’s not legal advice I’m after, Robert. I’m heading to Westhampton as we speak in the hope that you’ll put me in touch with your son. I’d like to meet with him this morning.’

  ‘You want to see Gabriel?’ he asked, sounding surprised.

  ‘He has experience dealing with … a partner who was taken,’ I sighed, as I reached up with one hand to pinch the bridge of my nose. ‘Of handling someone who’s having trouble dealing with that. I thought it might be of benefit to have some advice from someone with first-hand knowledge. Someone who has experienced h
ow difficult it is to know what to do to help the woman we love when she's dealing with trauma.’

  ‘O dear, say no more, I completely understand. I’m sure he’d be more than happy to help, I’ll text you his number as soon as we hang up. Sofia and I were so sorry to hear about what happened, we wanted to give you some time before we got in touch, but you’ve been in our thoughts. You must let us know if there’s anything we can do.’

  ‘That’s very kind, Robert, but you have a demanding job and a family of your own to handle. I’m sure after I’ve spoken to Gabriel, I’ll have a better idea of how to handle this. I’m sorry to have rung you so late, I appreciate the help.’

  ‘Always,’ he replied, sounding sincere. ‘The phone is always turned on for my best client, business or otherwise, regardless of the time.’

  ‘Thank you, Robert. I’ll speak to you soon. I’m having second thoughts about releasing a program I developed for the Ministry of Defence, on the grounds of invasion of privacy, and I’ll need some legal advice on the ramifications of reneging on the contract.’

  ‘There’s nearly always a loophole in a contract and if there is, I’ll find it,’ he confirmed confidently.

  ‘Never doubted it for a minute, there’s a reason you’re held in such high esteem in the legal world,’ I replied. ‘Thanks again.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  As promised, he sent me the number and I called his son immediately. We’d only met a couple of times, the last time being on his wedding day a few years ago. He’d stayed in the boathouse for a few days over Christmas before heading on his honeymoon. He was obviously surprised to hear from me and I explained my relationship with his father, then mentioned the situation with Ellie. Naturally, given the press attention, he was aware. Despite my best intentions, and all the money I’d offered, I hadn’t been able to keep it out of the papers. It wasn’t just the four mercenaries that had died, or Jenny and Thomas, but also the poor guy who just happened to own the cottage where James and one of the kidnappers had had their showdown. Gabriel agreed to meet, but asked if I’d mind going to his house. His wife was away with her best friend on a spa break and he was in charge of the children, who I could hear in the background, which made me smile sadly. If I was separated from mine, I’d miss them terribly, not to mention Ellie.