Part Two: City of Sin
“I knew the Lord sent you this way for a reason!”
Family Dynamics
All is not well at the House of Todd.
Armageddon had a low opinion of the military of Buttefuqe, and passing through the town gates did little to improve it. Most towns still had some kind of fortification, to stop roaming militias or gangs of looters; it was true that such troubles had died down over the last few years, but Buttefuqe's gates were barely a token. It was as if they wanted anyone at all to just come wandering in.
Waved on by a blue haired girl whose guard uniform was augmented with a pair of glittering fairy wings, Armageddon eased her truck past the gates and into a gauntlet of billboards. Harlots, grinning men, and strange slogans leered down at her from both sides. She gritted her teeth and kept her eyes on the road till she was past the walls of temptation.
Now that they were in town proper, they finally began to see more traffic. It was still light for a place this size: the war, she presumed, was keeping people home. But what the traffic lacked in volume it made up for in variety. Armageddon found herself behind a four-wheeled pedal powered cart, painted green and with an awning over top that looked like a grinning crocodile. Behind her, an ancient electric sedan crept up till it was nearly touching her bumper. A motorcycle carrying an entire family buzzed past her on the left, and a moment later a bike courier wove past on the right.
The smell of cooking food wafted past, mixed with a smell like burning plastic. Armageddon rolled up her window. The traffic had slowed to walking speed, which was not surprising, as there was a large number of people walking in the street.
"Huh," said Todd. "Usually the traffic here is a lot worse. I guess the Good Lord wants to see us home quickly."
He had barely finished speaking when a young man in a sharp business suit ran up to the truck and began pacing along beside them. His hair was cut short, he was freshly shaved, and he even wore a tie.
"Good evening!" the stranger exclaimed, smiling at Todd. "A very good evening to you! Are you in need, my friends? I can get you what you want! Dimes, quarters, green or white or red, up or down, just name your flavor!" He pulled open his suit jacket, revealing a button down shirt and a number of plastic baggies pinned to the inside of his jacket.
Todd smiled back. "No thank you, friend. We've no need here. But maybe I have something you need." Todd produced a handful of pamphlets. "Tell me friend, have you heard the Word?". The man looked pained and abruptly stopped pacing them. In the rear view mirror Armageddon saw him trying his luck with the sedan.
Todd's house was in what passed for a nicer part of town, a spacious, well-kept old building at the end of a little cul-de-sac. As they pulled into the driveway, a ghastly howl split the air.
"THEY'RE MINE AND YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO TAKE THEM!"
The reply was also howled.
"WHY ARE YOU BEING SO PETTY? IT'S ONLY SOCKS! SOCKS!!"
Armageddon stared at Todd, who was smiling cheerfully as he hopped out of the truck.
"Well, here we are!" He gestured expansively at the house. "Home sweet home. Thank the Lord I am here to see it again. And thank you too, Miss Armageddon."
"IT’S NOT JUST SOCKS! IT'S MY SOCKS! YOU JUST TAKE ANYTHING YOU WANT, YOU ENTITLED BRAT! WELL THIS IS MY HOUSE, TOO!"
"Don't worry about your bags," Todd said cheerfully as he trotted back down the driveway to close the gate. "My boys will bring them in."
"DON'T CALL ME A BRAT, YOU HUSSY! I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING BEFORE YOU MARRIED MY BROTHER..."
"WHAT!? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? YOU'RE INSANE!"
As Todd opened the door to the house, Armageddon heard a male voice say something that she couldn't quite hear. He sounded amused, though.
"I AM NOT ACTING LIKE A BRAT! DON'T TAKE HER SIDE. YOU'RE MY HUSBAND AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!"
Now that the door was open, Armageddon had no problem hearing the next thing the unseen man said.
"Babe, of course I'm on your side. Even if you did steal Cherry's sexy knee socks."
"I BORROWED THEM! BORROWED!"
"That'll be the girls," Todd said. "Full of beans, those two!" He raised his voice. "Hey Kids! I'm home!"
Mercifully, the screaming stopped. Todd led Armageddon out of the foyer and into a living room. It was a nice room; and there in the middle of it was Cherry Hale, wearing a dress that was far too short. No, Armageddon remembered, Cherry Field. She saw the glint of the ring on Cherry's left hand. Cousin Cherry was a married woman now.
Cherry saw Todd first, and grinned a happy, dimpled grin.
"Mr Field! You're ba-ack.." Her perky greeting turned into a strangled squeak as she caught sight of Armageddon. "Aunt Amy? Is that you?"
Armageddon sighed, fighting down the urge to scold the girl. "I'm happy to see you too, Cherry." She said. "Your parents were having conniptions."
Cherry's face went as red as her hair. "They sent you to find me? Ohmygod! I sent them a note! Why can't they ever just trust me?"
Sent them a note saying you'd fallen in with Hellfire Price! Armageddon fumed. But they could not have that particular fight here. "They love you," she said, "and they were worried about you. And you know, Cherry, I think they would have liked to have been at your wedding. Or known you had a wedding..."
Cherry had the good grace to look ashamed. As she opened her mouth to reply, there was a knock at the door. "Be right there!" Todd called out cheerfully.
He opened the door, and Armageddon heard a familiar voice greeting Todd. Too familiar.
No, she thought. It can't be...
Todd came back into the room - and behind him, popping through the door like a malevolent jack in the box, came a tall, grinning man. He wore a coat and hat not unlike Armageddon's, but his coat was undone to show a crisp white shirt and black shoestring tie. His butter colored hair hung past his collar, and his eyes crinkled as he flashed his large white teeth at the room.
"Uncle Heck!" Cherry cried. She flung herself upon the man in a hug more fit for an enthusiastic child than for a married woman. He, in turn, allowed the hug to go on far longer than Armageddon thought was appropriate. Then he caught sight of Armageddon. At first his eyebrows rose, but then he unpacked his grin.
"Hi, Cousin!" He sounded pleased as punch. "I certainly wasn't expecting to see you here. How have you been?"
"Fourth cousin," Armageddon snapped. "Hellfire - what in the name of all that's holy are you doing here?"
Hellfire's grin widened. "I have missed you," he said.
Roses are red, Violet is rude
This family is dysfunctional, and that doesn't rhyme.
An hour later, after a long hot shower and a change of clothes, Armageddon almost felt human again. She even accepted Cherry's offer of a little moisturizer, feeling quite decadent as she rubbed it into her face and hands. The lord frowned on cosmetics use in general, but the faith also commended people to be at their best when dining at another man's house. And that desert air surely was hard on the skin...
She checked her reflection in the mirror, put on her hat, thought about it a moment, and then took it off again. Her eyes looked wide and starey, not a million miles from the drug-addled freaks she'd been dodging on the battlefield just a few short hours ago. It had, in truth, been one hell of a night. Armageddon sighed and unholstered her .357, checked the cylinders were well-oiled, and then stowed it in her suitcase. She was more than half-tempted to put the holster back on - she felt naked without her gun, and none of her hosts would be the wiser as to its presence. But after a long moment of indecision, she put the gun away. If she didn't have it on her, she wouldn't be tempted to use it on Hellfire's fat head.
Downstairs, a woman's voice rose in a shout. Armageddon couldn't make out the words, or whether it was Cherry or the other girl. A man's voice answered, muffled, and then there was burst of laughter. Armageddon sighed, adjusted her blouse one last time, then headed for the door.
"Oh, hi,"
a voice said as the door swung open.
Armageddon started, reaching reflexively for the gun she was no longer carrying. It was Violet, Todd's daughter, the other half of the screaming match that had greeted Armageddon on arrival. Tall, pale, and purple-haired, she watched with interest and a hint of amusement as Armageddon flinched back. "Sorry I startled you," she said. "Long day, huh?"
"You might say that," Armageddon managed.
"Well, my dad just sent me up to tell you dinner was ready. Looks like you are too. You wanna come down, meet the rest of our wonderful family?"
The last words were spoken with dripping sarcasm that Armageddon chose to ignore. "I'd be happy to," she said. "I met one of the boys on the way up, but I haven't met Cherry's husband yet, or your mother..."
"My mom's dead," Violet said. "But you can meet the replacement - you know, if she can take time out of her demanding schedule."
Armageddon stared at her, nonplussed. "Oh... is she busy cooking?"
Violet stopped, looked at her a moment, then blurted out a laugh. "Cooking? No. She has other people do that for her." She glanced towards the stairs. "So you met Dillon, huh?"
"Yes," Armageddon said. "Well, he said hi to me as I was heading upstairs."
Violet scowled. "Yeah. Might have known he'd be there to check out the new woman. Guy's such a fuckin' dog..."
Armageddon gave a strangled gasp at the language. "Is he a... a relation of yours?" she managed.
"He's my husband," Violet said. "And he's also a gaping asshole, loudmouth, and just a general all-around sociopath. He and Josh are best buds - which just goes to show how stupid Josh is."
Armageddon's head was spinning. "Josh?"
"My brother," Violet said. "Well, stepbrother. Cherry's new husband, AKA the monkey wrench in your plan to take Cherry home." Violet's eyes sparkled with amusement. "He's not so bad, really, other than being dumb as a post and into Cherry. But when he and Dillon get together it's like a douche cyclone."
Armageddon had no idea what a 'douche' was. Maybe some kind of French food? "So, ah... how long have Josh and Cherry been married, exactly..?"
Violet shrugged. "I dunno. Three, four months, something like that." She smiled crookedly and pushed a strand of purple hair out of her face. "You've got your buddy Hellfire to blame for that one too. Practically propelled them into each other's arms."
"Hellfire Price is no buddy of mine," Armageddon scowled. "What's he doing here, anyway? I'd have thought a nice man like Todd would know better than to let a degenerate like Hellfire under his roof."
Violet held up her hands. "Whoa, sorry. I had no idea you felt that badly about the guy. Aren't you religious types supposed to stick together?" She saw thunder on Armageddon's face and went on quickly. "Um, yeah, so... he says he's here in town witnessing - you know, at the direction of the head of the church. Father Peterson, I think his name was? Anyway - as you can probably imagine, that kind of thing doesn't get a lot of play here in Buttfuk. My dad's one of the few people who'll give him the time of day. So I guess that's why you'll find good ol' Mr Price here at the house of Todd most nights, smiling and laying down the path to heaven and eating like a horse the whole time." She turned and headed for the stairs. "So yeah, that's us! One great, big, happy family! Come on down, Miss Hyde. This is gonna be fuuuuun!"
Setting the table
The Brothers Douche, murder meat, and something is wrong with the peas.
The family were already seated when Armageddon and Violet made their entrance. Todd sat at one end of the dinner table; an empty space, presumably for Todd's wife, had been set at the other end. Cherry sat next to Todd, and Hellfire next to Cherry. Two young men sat opposite, giggling and nudging at each other. The handsome one, who had greeted Armageddon earlier, she now knew to be Dillon - which meant the other one, the tall gangly one, had to be Josh.
"Oh my, cousin," Hellfire said, looking her up and down. "Don't you look clean and fresh."
Yes, Armageddon thought, leaving the gun was definitely the right thing to do.
Todd sprang out of his seat, grinning a wide, slightly-strained grin. "Miss Armageddon! You look great! Please, have a seat. I'll just see if my darling wife is ready to join us, and then we'll set to!" He shuffled into the nearby hallway, approached a door, and knocked tentatively. "Honey, dinner's ready!" There was a muffled reply: Armageddon couldn't make out the words, but it didn't sound friendly. "She says she'll be right with us," Todd said. He put an arm around Violet's shoulders. "Well, sweetie, it looks like it's up to us."
Violet rolled her eyes. "Yeah, let's bring out the corpse of a unnecessarily murdered animal and then feed it to our dinner guests! Woo!" She turned and headed for the kitchen, and Todd trailed along behind her. The two boys nudged each other, and Josh, the gangly one, guffawed.
"Heh heh heh," he said. "Murder meat."
Minutes later, a dazzling spread was laid out on the table: Veal roast, carrots, peas, potatoes and gravy, and an enormous loaf of garlic bread. "Honey!" Todd called. "Are you going to join us for grace?"
There was a long silence, and then the door in the hallway banged open. A tall woman stepped out, dressed in a pleated skirt and emerald blouse. Her hair was pulled back into a braided bun, and she wore a string of pearls around her neck. "Darling, this is Armageddon Hyde, Cherry's cousin," Todd said. The woman stalked to the table and took a seat opposite Todd, muttering under her breath. Todd said grace, and they set to - all except for Todd's wife, who picked up her fork and then stopped to stare intently at the food.
"Did you enjoy your shows, Mrs Todd?" Violet asked. "Looks like today was a good one. You've been in there since noon..."
"Her name's not Mrs Todd, Violet," Todd said, smiling and dishing peas. Armageddon wished he'd say her actual name, which she appeared to have lost in the shuffle. But Todd was already cracking a strained (and biblically questionable) joke about the flood, which ended with the line "I Noah guy." Cherry laughed heartily at this, while Violet rolled her eyes. Meanwhile, the two boys were having a huddle on their side of the table, glancing Armageddon's way. The word "hat" was mentioned, which led to a fit of giggles for reasons that were beyond her. Josh, Todd's lanky stepson, leaned over the table, fixing Hellfire Price with an insolent eye. "So hey, Mr Price... is it true that in your church, people are allowed to marry their cousins?"
Hellfire grinned right back at him. "Why, Josh? Have you got your eye on someone.... close to home?" Josh gaped at him, while Dillon dissolved into a fit of laughter. "I'm only joshing with you, brother Josh," Hellfire chuckled. "No, we're just like the rest of the good ol' USA - first cousins is a no-no, but anything past that is okay. Don't want any babies born with extra toes, now, do we?" He helped himself to a slice of veal. "My, Todd, this is uncommonly good meat. Where did you get it?"
"I got it from our local butcher," Todd said proudly. "No vat meat this - it's just a corn-fed, old-fashioned pile of deliciousness!"
"It's a completely unnecessary and inefficient way of getting protein," Violet said. "I told you, Dad - if you'd let me have a bit more floor space in the cellar, we could grow our own - "
"Now, now, dear," Todd said. "Let's not get into that just now."
"Yes, it's hardly appropriate talk for the dinner table, Violet," Cherry said primly. She turned to Todd's wife. "Mom, will you pass the carrots, please?" Violet made a strangled sound. Mrs Todd didn't react at all.
"I'll pass you a carrot later, babe," Dillon told Violet with a leer.
"I'll pass you a cyanide pill one of these nights, babe," Violet said.
There was a sudden crash as Todd's wife brought her fist down on the table. She leaned forward, a slow flush climbing her cheeks. "Todd," she said, "I told you before - there's something wrong with the peas."
Todd looked at her, bemused. "They're just peas, honey. They look the same as always..."
Dillon was prodding Josh again, whispering in his ear. "What color are they, Mom?" Josh asked, snickering. "Pink? Blue with yellow spar
kles?"
"That's your mother, you ingrate," Dillon said. "How can you talk to her like that? Show some respect, man, geez!"
Josh stared at him, wounded. "What?.. you said it would be funny, you a-hole!"
"Language, honey," Cherry said reprovingly. Josh looked set to reply, but he cut off as Todd's wife rose slowly to her feet. Her eyes were very wide, and they were fixed on the space directly above Todd's head.
"The elves are back," she announced.
"Ooooh shit," Dillon muttered. For the first time all evening, he wasn't smiling.
Todd sprang to his feet, and the two boys followed suit. Even Hellfire's grin was wilting around the edges. "Say, honey, I think it's time for your nap!" Todd said brightly. "Come on fellas - no, Mr Price, we're fine, you stay right there - " The three men quickly surrounded Todd's wife, and Todd took her gently by the arm. "Come on, honey, quickly now."
"I keep telling you to do something about those damn elves, Todd!"
"I know, honey, I know." Todd's voice was a lilting croon: beads of sweat stood out on his brow. "Why don't we discuss it in your room?" His wife frowned, but she allowed herself to be led off, leaving Hellfire and the rest of the women alone at the table.
"Cherry," Armageddon said faintly, "could you point me to the bathroom, please?"
The rest of dinner was largely uneventful. The food was good, Armageddon had to admit, a welcome change after weeks of protein bars and greasy fries ordered from roadside diners. When the meal was done, Todd had pushed back his chair with a contented sigh and slouched down in his seat, looking happy and well-fed. Hellfire, meanwhile, was regaling the two boys with some foolish apocryphal story from his version of the good book. Violet was bustling about in the kitchen, apparently preoccupied with dessert, and it occurred to Armageddon that now would be an excellent time to ask her cousin a few pertinent questions. After complimenting Todd on the meal, she turned to Cherry and said: "Well, Cherry, it certainly was a surprise to find you married. How did you and Josh meet? I hope you don't mind me asking, but..."
Armageddon Hyde in The Chosen and the Damned Page 4