"Oh, no, Auntie, that's okay..." Cherry glanced fondly at Josh, who using his fork and spoon as a kind of catapult to flick peas at his brother-in-law. "It's such a romantic story," she sighed. "I get so caught up when I think about it that I hardly know where to begin." She turned a soft, warm gaze on Hellfire. "It probably would never have happened if it wasn't for Uncle Heck..."
"Well - isn't that interesting," Armageddon growled, glancing Hellfire's way. "Please, go on."
But Hellfire spoke first. "Oh, I hardly did anything, really," he said. "You know, if it wasn't for Todd stepping up in our hour of need..." he turned his grin on Todd. "Why don't you tell her, Brother Todd? Miss Armageddon and I have known each other a long time, and I'm afraid she hasn't much patience for my ramblings."
Todd grinned. "I'm sure that can't be true, Mr Price - you're one heck of a story teller! But sure, I'll fill her in." He cleared his throat. "Well, as you probably know by now, Buttefuqe has just a wee bit of a drug problem." Snort from Dillon, from across the table. "When Mr Price found me I was working at the local medical center, lost and unhappy. I was born into a devout family, but after coming to Buttfuque and seeing the degradation all around me... Well, I confess my faith had wavered. I had not spoken to the Lord in a very long time. And then I saw Mr Price ministering to those poor lost souls - he had such fire in him, such conviction..." He actually seemed to be getting a little misty-eyed. "And so, anyway - with my faith restored, I began the long and difficult task of bringing my family back into the fold. And boy, that was quite the tale, I can tell you! My wife, for example - "
Hellfire cut him off, smile never wavering. "That's wonderful, Todd - but perhaps we should talk about Cherry? You know - before Violet comes back."
"Oh yes, of course!" Todd nodded enthusiastically. "So by the time Cherry arrived on the scene, our family already had a new member. We had managed to get Violet married off to young Dillon - crisis averted there, I can tell you! - and Dillon had come under our roof, joined the clan as you might say - and then, one day, just barely a year ago, Mr Price showed up at our door with this fine young woman..." He glanced fondly at Cherry, who blushed and smiled. "... who, well... let's just say she badly needed a place to stay. She'd gotten herself into a little bit of trouble, from what I understand - "
"Just a little," Hellfire said smoothly. "Young Cherry here had fallen in with a rather wayward crowd: good-hearted young men who had unfortunately wandered far from the Lord's light. Several of them had drug problems of their own, though Cherry, thankfully, had not partaken."
"Barry hadn't partaken either, Uncle Heck," Cherry put in. "But you're right: he was definitely in with a bad crowd." She sighed. "He was a good man. But his friends..."
"Yes," Hellfire said coolly. "He really did need to find better friends. And perhaps, by now, he has."
"He was so nice to me - he paid my rent and bought me clothes and he said not to worry about it," Cherry said. "He told I could pay him back once I got a job..." She glanced shyly at Armageddon, as if looking for approval. "He was going to get me a modeling contract, Auntie. Can you imagine?"
"Modeling is a sinful activity, Cherry," Armageddon said. "Using the body God gave you to awaken men's lusts and get them to buy soft drinks, and, and... sports cars. It's no sort of occupation for a godly woman." Cherry pouted and looked away. "So what happened to this Barry person?" Armageddon asked.
"I can't say I know," Hellfire said airily. "He had to leave town rather suddenly - I can't imagine why. And he left our little Cherry in the lurch, with no money and a bunch of bad friends. She was in bad shape when I found her, weren't you, dear?"
"I was," Cherry said, her voice quivering. "If I didn't find some money soon, I was worried I might have to become a... a waitress, or something."
"But luckily," Hellfire said. "I knew a good, godly family who would happily to take her in. And then, a few months later, another gift from on high - as young Josh here fell for Cherry and asked her to be his wife!" He clapped his hands and grinned. "And now, here they all are - one big, adorable blended family! I am sorry for all the trouble you've been through, cousin, but I know it must be a great relief to know that Cherry is safe and well." He flashed his perfect teeth at her. "And now that your work here is done, you will be able to go home and tell her parents the same."
"Yes," Armageddon said coldly. "I'll tell them - eventually."
Hellfire's eyebrows went up. "Oh," he said. "Are we thinking of sticking around a little while?"
"I have a few more items of business before I go," Armageddon said even more coldly.
There was a rather tense silence, finally broken by Violet reappearing at the kitchen door. She was holding a large platter in her hands, and for the first time all night she actually looked happy. "Hey everybody!" she said. "Who wants to try some of my candy apples?"
"That sounds fantastic, Violet!" Hellfire said, grinning. "Let's see what you've got for us with your wonderful science!"
"Science?" Armageddon asked in a small voice. "Violet... just what exactly do you have there?"
"Candy apples!" Violet said enthusiastically. "I grew them myself, in my own vat! You have to try them, Miss Armageddon - they taste just like real candy!"
For Dessert, we have Moral Dilemma
Mmm, forbidden fruit.
Damn you, Hellfire, Armageddon thought. You knew this was coming and you didn't even have the decency to warn me. And now I have to choose between two sins - disrespecting my hosts, or eating science food... Her nose wrinkled at the thought. Lord, she prayed, whatever I do this night, please know I mean you no offense by my actions. And on a related note - if you were to see fit to strike Hellfire with a massive case of dysentery, I wouldn't object at all. Not that I'm telling you what to do, Lord: it's just that I couldn't think of a more deserving candidate.
Todd, the two boys, and Hellfire each took an apple. Only Cherry refused, glancing disdainfully at Violet and saying that she "Didn't do sugar." And then the platter was passed to Armageddon, and she had a weighty decision to make.
If I offend these good people, she thought, I risk losing them to Hellfire and his wily words. And surely that's the greater sin - isn't it? She gritted her teeth and took an apple. Around her, the men crunched into their fruity desserts and sighed. Armageddon took a deep breath, said a little prayer, and tried not to think of the oldest story of all. She raised the red, shiny apple to her lips and bit deep.
Oh my goodness, she thought, this might be the best thing I've ever tasted. Sinful endorphins flooded through Armageddon's brain as she chewed, and visions of the first time she'd eaten candy blazed through her mind and her frantically working pancreas. Violet, she thought, did you put something in this? But there was no way of asking that without causing offense, and so she allowed herself two more bites.
"Spectacular, young Violet," Hellfire said, setting the core of his apple down. "You've outdone yourself this time."
Violet smiled rather shyly at him, her usual bravado nowhere in evidence. "Thanks, Mr Price. I did my best." She glanced at Todd. "Dad, about that floor space..."
"Not now, dear," Todd murmured as he chewed. Cherry snorted and pushed back her empty plate. Violet sighed and excused herself, heading back into the kitchen: she took an apple with her, Armageddon noticed. A few moments later, Hellfire sauntered out after her. Armageddon quickly excused herself as well, muttering that she needed something from her room. She headed to the stairs, stomped noisily all the way to the top, and then turned and crept quietly back down. The passage at the bottom led past the kitchen's other door; Armageddon crept as close to it as she dared, listening intently.
"... remarkable," Hellfire was saying. "I knew you had in interest in floratech, Violet, but I had no idea you had such talent." His voice had taken on that fawning tone that made Armageddon want to punch something. "And just as with young Cherry, your talent is given to you by the almighty - and talent, in and of itself, is not a sin. So please, dear, don't let my lovely
-but-misguided cousin convince you that what you are doing is wrong. Biotechnology is not sinful - provided, of course, it is put to good purpose..."
Violet had seemed delighted with the compliments she had gotten at the dinner table, but now she sounded merely polite. "I'm happy you think it's not a sin, Mr Price. But you know, I'm an agnostic, so it doesn't really - "
"Of course you are, dear. You are a free thinker, a brilliant young woman, with a commitment to truth over shallow dogma. And I find that... deeply admirable."
"You're standing a little too close, Mr Price."
Hellfire coughed. "Sorry, dear. I only thought you might need help with that big old platter." His tone lightened, shifting deftly from creepy uncle back to jolly uncle. "Truly, though, I had no idea you had such a high level of skill. Todd boasts about you, of course, but Todd..."
"...Dad exaggerates, yeah," Violet said coolly. "But yeah, false modesty aside, I think I'm pretty good at this." She sighed. "If only I could get some proper training, instead of just reading old textbooks."
"Wait," Hellfire said. "You mean you're self-taught? You have no formal training at all? I'd assumed, based on the work - "
"Yeah, self-taught." Armageddon could hear the bitterness in the young woman's voice. "And that's as far as I'm likely to go in a place like this. I mean - my Dad's proud of me, I guess - in his own way - but he thinks it's just a hobby. And after I pop out a couple of kids I'll give up on this silly biotech stuff and take up knitting or something."
"That would surely be a waste," Hellfire said. There was a moment's silence. "You know, Violet, I can't make you any promises, but I would like to help you if I could. I have a few contacts around town, and I know some people who might have use for a brilliant, budding young scientist such as yourself. Now, I'm a little busy at the moment, but maybe in a few days I can talk to some friends - and if you're amicable to it, perhaps... make some introductions?"
"Oh..." Violet's tone was guarded, but Armageddon could hear the excitement there. "Well, I don't see the harm, I guess... um, is this in a lab somewhere? Because, you know, what I really want to do is - "
"No promises, dear," Hellfire said. "I'll see what I can do." Armageddon could hear that smarmy smile from here.
She stepped away from the door; she had heard enough for now. So, you have contacts in the biotech industry, do you, Hellfire? She thought. Well, well, well. It looks like I'll be sticking around town for a little while yet...
(INTERMISSION)
Part Three: Buttefuqed
“It takes you to the God-place, man. And after you’ve been there, things can never be the same...”
Working for the Man
We know something Hellfire doesn't.
"What is going on here!?"
The outraged exclamation caused one man to drop his end of the body. It landed with an unpleasant, squishy thud. The other man stood there with his mouth slightly open, gripping the plastic wrapped feet of the corpse.
Smithers stared at the scene before her. There were four more bodies lying in a heap on a tarp. The men shuffled uncomfortably. Smithers stared at them. Behind her, Chand calmly jotted something down on his clipboard.
One of the men spoke. "Uhh, yeah, boss, we uhh... we had, um..." The speaker, still holding the corpse’s feet, decided to start over. "See, Pete needed to go on break, and we thought Charlie was going to be watching, but..."
Smithers crossed the room and took a closer look at the bodies. It was just as she'd thought. "Did you even clean these?" she snapped. "Look at them. Dust all over them. Get the vacuums, and then call Waste Management and tell them to get these things off site. Immediately! Our primary stakeholder is coming for a project update and a factory tour, and this is not how we want to present ourselves. If we don't keep our image in line with his expectations, he may seek an external source! So clean this up!!"
She whipped around to face Chand, who had dutifully followed her over to the bodies. As usual, his suit was immaculate. Too immaculate. He'd managed to leverage his way into her team, but she was damned if she was going to let him trail her to the stakeholder update. "Chand, I expect an incident report on this by four o'clock. And a mitigation plan." Chand opened his mouth, thought better of it, and nodded.
Smithers strode briskly away, shoes clicking on the concrete floor. The men watched her go, then turned and looked helplessly at Chand.
"You understand any of that?" One of them asked.
"Yeah," Chand said, gesturing at the bodies. "She said vacuum them, and then call Fritzie and tell him to get them out of here before The Man shows up."
Aligning the Synergies
Insert clever pun about pharming here.
Smithers was waiting in the conference room when Roberts, the CEO, led their client in. And what a client! Tall, chiseled, and dressed with an old fashioned kind of flair. Ohh, she thought. I could definitely align my synergies with that!
"Mr Price. I'm Smithers, the project manager. So good to meet you." She smiled and put out a hand.
Price smiled back at her as they shook. It was a good smile, boasting exceptional dental genetics and a strong commitment to oral hygiene. "Pleased to meet you, Ms Smithers. Or is that Miss?" His handshake was firm and lingering. "I don't believe you were on board last time I was here? I'm sure I'd remember you."
"Oh, I've only joined the project recently, after Mr Roberts here identified a management gap that required more hands-on intervention than he was able to provide without shortchanging his other commitments. Your end product has a number of dependencies, so I've come in to ensure that the work streams line up and the delivery targets are met."
Price's smile grew slightly. "That sounds very impressive, Miss Smithers. I do look forward to hearing... more about your work."
They seated themselves around the conference table, and Roberts opened a binder and passed out a few sheets of paper. "We're just waiting for Werner, our lead developer," Roberts said. "He's got some updates to show us. But I think we can begin without him. Smithers, do you have a general update for us?"
"I do!" Smithers opened her own binder and extracted some Gantt charts. "As you can see here, we're mostly on track, and have accomplished stages one and two to spec. We have also resolved a significant technical issue which was looking like a potential showstopper."
"That sounds very promising." Price upped the wattage on his smile.
"Thank you, Mr Price. We are quite confident we will be able to deliver your product as specified. However, we've encountered some resourcing issues which may push stage three outside the duration tolerance, with a flow on to overall project timeliness measures."
"Resourcing issues?"
"Unfortunately, yes. A number of our test subjects became unavailable, and we had to source new ones. This created a potential cost overrun, but we've managed to stay within budget by leveraging our relationship network to obtain new test subjects at low cost. There was a delay while the new subjects were sourced. Also the new resources are not professional testers, which has led to a slight decrease in test output quality. We have had to compensate for that by applying a more time intensive test methodology. The net outcome is that the stage three duration is expected to exceed tolerance by six to eight weeks."
"Two more months?" Price had stopped smiling. "Now, Mr Roberts - I recall that when we first discussed this, that you said I could have my product within six months. That was last year."
Roberts looked uncomfortable, but he was saved by a knock on the door. "Ah, that'll be Werner," he said.
The door opened, admitting a stooped, white-haired man carrying a clipboard. "Sorry I'm late," he said. "There was an incident with the production process."
Price perked up. "Production? I didn't realize you were already producing. If you're already able to produce, then why the delay?"
Werner looked over at him. "Ah, Mr Price. Good to see you again. To be clear, I was not talking about the end product. Only the catalyst."
"Cat
alyst?"
"Yes - Catalyst. It is the key to your final product, and it is what we'll be demonstrating to you today." He held the door open. "Come - the room is almost ready. I'll update you on the way there."
Smithers made sure she was first on the factory floor. To her relief, the bodies were gone, though the double doors at the far end of the floor were still swinging. Behind her, Werner had fallen in beside Price, talking as they walked. "The catalyst is relatively easy to manufacture," he said, "and the latest version is extremely efficient. It's skin soluble, and requires only a few grains to catalyze the reaction. One standard yeast vat has produced an ample supply."
"That was stage two," Smithers interjected, smiling at Price. "Which we completed on track and within tolerance. Our initial scoping in stage one indicated that it was not technically feasible to produce your end product with standard eukaryotic production methodology, however."
"Yeast can't make neurons," Werner explained. "So we're producing in vivo. The catalyst creates a biochemical reaction causing the brain to produce a massive quantity of your product, which we then harvest and refine."
"Wait, wait... am I to understand that you're harvesting brains?" Price looked quite upset. "I was told this would be done in a vat - "
"Oh no!" exclaimed Smithers. "That would be terribly inefficient, Mr Price. Resource costs would go through the roof! Don't worry - I assure you we have developed a completely sustainable production platform which leverages existing biological processes."
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