When Your Eyes Close

by Tanya Farrelly

  He smiled, but she could see he was anxious. ‘About Caitlin. Have you talked to her about me at all? You haven’t told her anything about me being sick, have you?’

  ‘Of course not, I wouldn’t do that. I haven’t told anyone, and I certainly wouldn’t tell her.’

  ‘Good. I’d rather she didn’t know. I don’t want her looking at me like someone who’s dying.’

  Dying. Nick was dying. His body was slowly going into decline, but she didn’t want to think about that, couldn’t think about it or she’d break down. And she didn’t want to think of him that way either. He was more than his failing body, the same as her mother had been. In fact, Nick’s experience under hypnosis had proved that when this body failed, he would return in another – a step further in the evolution of his soul.

  ‘Michelle.’ She looked up when he said her name. ‘We have to keep fighting this thing. If I give in to it, become a sick person, have people look at me like that, then it will beat me. I intend to live as fully as I can for whatever time I have left. And I don’t want to have to think about it all the time.’

  ‘I know, Nick. Don’t talk like that … I know you won’t give up, and I’ll never give up on you either. I hope you know that?’

  He nodded, pulled her close. ‘I love you,’ he murmured. She closed her eyes and squeezed him tight. It was the first time he’d said those words.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Nick

  Nick was lighting the barbecue when the first knock came to the door. He looked at Michelle and exhaled. The shake in his hands was bad despite having taken his medication. Michelle rubbed his arm and disappeared inside the house. He looked up at the sky – overcast – what did they expect, having a barbecue in early November? Earlier, he’d swept up the leaves and dusted off the garden furniture, which hadn’t had much use that summer. As long as it didn’t rain, he thought; out here in the air, it was better. He wasn’t sure how he would be if he were trapped in the house with their visitors – with Caitlin.

  There was silence for what couldn’t have been more than two minutes after Michelle had gone inside the house. Nick took seven deep breaths, standing by the barbecue, eyes closed. He’d just reached six on his outward breath when he heard voices: Michelle’s, slightly high-pitched, laughing, and then, to his momentary relief, Siobhan’s.

  He was standing there making small talk with Siobhan as Michelle got her a drink when the doorbell rang again. He waited, hoping that Michelle would go to answer it, that she hadn’t strayed from the kitchen. A moment later, Keith and Claire, and his own friend, Gary, appeared at the glass doors that led to the garden. He fixed a smile on his face and waved them over. At least now there were other people, he could always immerse himself in conversation with Gary if he needed to withdraw.

  Michelle appeared with a tray of drinks and eased it onto the table. She’d asked him the day before if he was okay with there being alcohol, if it would be too much of a temptation for him. He’d made a face and told her that her white wine spritzers certainly wouldn’t tempt him. Apart from that there’d be nothing stronger than a few cans of lager. It was okay, he said, he could handle it. Wouldn’t he have to handle it wherever he went from now on? He may as well try to get used to it.

  But now as he slugged a glass of cranberry juice he’d have given anything for a real drink. He watched Gary open a can of Carlsberg, felt his shakes worsen and excused himself to check the barbecue, which had begun to smoke.

  Half an hour passed. He’d already done the first round of burgers and Michelle was dishing them out, but Caitlin still hadn’t arrived.

  ‘Maybe she won’t turn up,’ Michelle said, appearing at his shoulder. Nick nodded and arranged chicken wings on the barbecue. The smell of the food was making him queasy, but he was glad to be occupied.

  ‘You pacing yourself, or what?’ Gary asked him, his plate piled high with Michelle’s Greek salad, licking sticky fingers as he eyed the glass next to Nick.

  ‘Ah, I’m off it,’ Nick told him. He picked up the tongs and turned the wings.

  Gary’s guffaw was expected, as was his chuckle and predictable comment of ‘how long will that last?’

  Nick turned away from his beery breath, the craving so strong that he almost wanted to kiss him, just to inhale it. Michelle was standing across the lawn, laughing at something that Claire had just said when the bell went again. Their eyes met across the grass, and she gave him what was meant to be a reassuring smile, but the smell of the food coupled with anxiety was threatening to make him heave.

  ‘Gaz, do you think you could look after this for a few minutes?’ he said, bolting not into the house but around to the side gate where he could escape out the front and into the house as soon as Michelle had brought Caitlin through.

  He reached the gate, eased it open and crept round the side of the house. He heard the front door close and gave it a few more minutes before letting himself in and hurrying up the stairs.

  In the bedroom, he went to the window. Careful to stay close to the curtain, he stretched his neck and peered down. Gary was, dutifully, by the barbecue. The other three turned as Michelle came out, a woman in a black dress and leather jacket by her side. Hands were shaken, smiles exchanged. She looked different from when Nick had seen her playing at the wine bar. Her hair, which had been tied up that night, now hung in waves to her shoulders. He stood back as Michelle glanced at the house, first at the door and then at the upstairs windows. Christ, he’d have to go down there. Wasn’t this what he’d wanted, a chance to meet Caitlin, to see what kind of woman Johnny Davis’s daughter had grown up to be?

  He went into the bathroom, popped another anti-sickness tablet from its blister and swallowed it with water from the tap. He took another Xanax for good measure – he wasn’t due one, but what he’d taken clearly hadn’t worked and he had to get through the afternoon. He owed it to Michelle, at least, for all her efforts.

  Gary nabbed him as soon as he walked into the garden. He was where Nick had left him, tongs in one hand, turning rather crisp-looking chicken wings.

  ‘All yours’, he said. ‘Hope they’re not overdone.’ Nick managed a smile, grabbed a large bowl and instructed Gary to toss the wings into it. Gary nudged him and asked who the woman was who had just arrived.

  ‘Don’t know, she must be some friend of Michelle,’ Nick said, shrugging. When he looked up Caitlin was looking at him curiously – he smiled briefly and turned back to what he was doing.

  ‘How’s everything coming along?’ Michelle came over and asked. She’d left Caitlin with the others. Chirpily, she asked Gary if he wouldn’t mind bringing out a few plates from where she’d stacked them on the kitchen table. ‘Aren’t you coming over to say hello?’ she whispered to Nick. Nick nodded.

  ‘More grub’s up!’ he shouted across to the group, but Caitlin had already detached herself from them and was walking towards him. Nick could feel his panic rise.

  Michelle turned to follow his gaze. ‘Ah Caitlin, this is my other half, Nick!’

  Caitlin peered at him hard. ‘Nick? But we’ve met before, at the Ormond, a couple of weeks back.’

  ‘Have we?’ He clicked his fingers. ‘That’s right – you’re the violinist.’ He forced a smile and shook her hand. Her grip was surprisingly firm. He turned to Michelle. ‘I stupidly knocked her drink over in the wine bar – small world.’

  ‘How do you two know each other?’ He hoped his effort at acting wasn’t as bad as he felt it was.

  Michelle played along. ‘The article I did about homelessness, it was Caitlin who published it. New Woman is her magazine.’

  Caitlin nodded. ‘Terrific piece,’ she said. ‘We’re running the follow-up next week.’

  Gary appeared with the plates just as Nick was about to answer, and the rest of the group descended on the scene. Nick was relieved, his nonchalant attitude seemed to have worked. Caitlin hadn’t reacted to him like he was some kind of weirdo, now all he had to do was act normal for the rest of
the afternoon. He told himself his paranoia was unfounded. Caitlin had no idea who he was or about his past.

  He watched Michelle and Caitlin talk, easy with one another, and slowly his anxiety ebbed away. He was filling the dishwasher, the chatter of the others and the sound of Tom Waits’s ‘Closing Time’ drifting in through the open window, when he felt someone behind him.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,’ Caitlin said, as he turned.

  ‘No, you didn’t, it’s fine,’ he said, waving her apology away.

  She was staring at him and her eyes, he noticed, were a deep shade of blue, almost navy. ‘Have we met someplace before?’ she asked.

  ‘The wine bar …’

  She shook her head. ‘No, not the wine bar, I mean before that?’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ His heart rate had picked up again.

  She leaned against the edge of the table, head cocked to the side, assessing him. ‘I’m sure we have, or maybe not met, but I’ve definitely seen you before … You weren’t in the park, were you? Last week?’

  ‘Which park?’

  ‘There’s a little park near my house where I go running. You don’t run, do you?’

  Nick shook his head and laughed. ‘No. God, the way I feel right now, I don’t think I’d get as far as the garden gate.’

  ‘Hmm. Well, I’ve definitely seen you somewhere before.’ She straightened, pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and sat down.

  ‘It’s possible,’ he said. ‘I’m sure it’ll come to you … do you live around here?’

  ‘No. I live on the northside, between Marino and Clontarf.’

  ‘And you run a magazine. Michelle’s really chuffed that you published her piece. She’s so passionate about her volunteer work.’ He glanced out the window to where Michelle was laughing with Gary and Siobhan.

  ‘She sure is. It’s admirable … so many people out there know what’s going on, but do nothing about it. Michelle cares, that was obvious from the minute we met. How long have you been together?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh, about eight months.’

  She smiled. ‘And so you decided to take the next step. Any nerves?’

  ‘No. Michelle is great. There’s nothing to be nervous about.’ He suddenly felt uncomfortable discussing Michelle. He was surprised at Caitlin’s forthrightness and wondered if she was testing him, but he wasn’t sure why she would. They had only just met. And it wasn’t like she knew Michelle so well either. He decided, since she was being so direct, to bat the ball back at her.

  ‘Michelle told me about your husband. I’m sorry, that must be really tough.’

  She nodded and looked away. ‘It’s more terrible than anyone can imagine. People keep telling me I have to move on, and even though it feels impossible, I know they’re right. That’s why I came today, to meet new people – to try to move forward inch by inch. Michelle seems lovely – the first genuine person I’ve met in a while.’

  Nick looked out the window again. Michelle had just extricated herself from the others and was approaching the house. ‘She certainly is that,’ he said. ‘I know we’ve just met, but if there’s anything we can do for you, Caitlin – anything at all …’

  ‘Thanks Nick, I really appreciate that.’

  Michelle appeared in the doorway and looked from one to the other, curious. ‘We’re all out of food out here, chef,’ she said. Nick wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but her smile seemed a little forced as they followed her outside.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Caitlin

  Caitlin had seen the photo posted on David A’s Twitter feed a few hours before going to the barbecue. It was a photo of the park where she ran, she was sure of it. She recognized the laneway where the trees met overhead, how the light dappled through the pale green leaves. There was no caption, no words, just the picture. Whoever had set up this account wanted her to know that he was watching her, that he knew where to find her if he wanted to. It wasn’t David, of that she was sure, but she was determined to find out who it was and why they’d begun toying with her.

  She had been shocked when she’d seen Nick at the barbecue, more so when she discovered that he was Michelle’s boyfriend, the host of the event, but she figured she’d hid it well. She’d had years of practice hiding her emotions: she’d been doing it ever since her parents had died. It didn’t take much effort anymore.

  She thought of Andy’s words, of the fact that Nick had shown up in the wine bar, and of how the photo of her had appeared on David A’s account just hours later. She’d probably have thought nothing of it, wouldn’t even have noticed him, if it hadn’t been for that clumsy act of spilling her drink. And yet, there was nothing threatening about him.

  He was awkward around her, sure, but nothing about him gave off an air of menace. When she’d mentioned having seen him before, when she’d deliberately asked him if he ran in the park, there hadn’t been a flicker. And besides, he was a stranger. He knew nothing about her, save what she’d told Michelle, and the fact that Michelle had submitted to the magazine could hardly have been a ploy, could it? What could they possibly want with her, this couple? Nothing, she hoped, because she genuinely liked Michelle, but she’d have to watch her step. Until she found out who was behind that hoax call and the fake Twitter account, she couldn’t trust anyone.

  On the desk, her phone buzzed. ‘Michelle Carlin’s here to see you.’

  She’d been expecting Michelle, had invited her to the office to submit her article rather than having her email it over. She wanted to see her again, but without Nick. That way she might find out more about him and, if he was the person behind this hoax about David, Michelle might let something slip.

  Caitlin rose from her desk and took the lift down to reception. ‘Michelle, lovely to see you again,’ she smiled. ‘How are you doing?’ They walked down the hallway, away from the receptionist’s curious ears. ‘How was the rest of your evening?’ she asked, as soon as they’d stepped into the lift.

  ‘It was good, the others left soon after you did so it didn’t wind up very late. I hope you had a good time?’

  The lift stopped, and they stepped out on the third floor. Caitlin led Michelle to the canteen where they could get a coffee. It was a quiet time; the morning breaks had finished and it was too early yet for lunch. All the same, they met Julie Morrison, one of the editors, who looked at Caitlin rather guiltily as she slipped past with a coffee.

  ‘It was lovely. Your friends were very nice. And Nick.’ She cast a glance at Michelle, who smiled, but looked, Caitlin thought, momentarily anxious. Maybe she was being paranoid though, because a second later the expression, if it had ever been there, was gone.

  ‘He enjoyed meeting you. We should do it again,’ Michelle said.

  Caitlin nodded, took two cups and headed for the coffee machine. ‘What does he do –Nick?’

  ‘He’s an architect.’

  ‘Really? What type? Commercial? Anything I’d know?’

  ‘Both commercial and private. He’s designed houses for some pretty well-known people, celebrities even.’

  ‘Yeah – like who?’ Caitlin asked, raising her voice over the hissing of the coffee machine. She took her mug and asked Michelle what she wanted as Michelle told her about the house Nick had designed for a rock star in Killiney Bay.

  ‘He took me there on our second date, trying to impress me, don’t you know.’

  ‘And did it work?’

  Michelle laughed. ‘Looks like it, doesn’t it?’

  They took their drinks and went to sit in a corner of the canteen which had a large window overlooking the River Liffey and Dublin’s Ha’penny Bridge.

  ‘How did you guys meet?’ Caitlin asked.

  Michelle laughed. ‘This is slightly embarrassing, but on Plenty of Fish. I say it’s embarrassing because I was totally against Internet dating. I’d had a break-up almost a year before and I wasn’t having much luck on the pub scene … if anything it was just depressing to see what was out
there. So, one of my friends was thinking of trying it and she persuaded me to as well. I had a few chats, got a few messages from creeps looking for one-nighters, and then Nick was the first person I agreed to meet.

  ‘Wow.’ Caitlin was genuinely intrigued. ‘How does it work? I mean … I presume you have to upload a picture, but can just anyone see it? Weren’t you afraid you’d be spotted by someone you know?’

  ‘Yeah, I was really nervous about that. To be honest, I was delighted to shut the account down. I’d spotted a couple of guys I knew on it.’ Michelle laughed. ‘And wait for this, I got a message from an old university lecturer.’

  ‘Ugh no, you didn’t answer him?’

  ‘Of course not. I don’t think he knew who I was or anything. There were about seventy students in the class; we never really had any direct communication with him. But luckily I closed my account soon after that. I’d been on a few dates with Nick and one evening he told me that his sister had asked him if it was serious … fishing, he was, to see what I’d say. I told him that I was if he was and that’s pretty much our story so far.’

  Caitlin sipped her coffee, considering what Michelle had told her. She was very open; she didn’t seem like someone who had something to hide. ‘How about writing an article about it?’ she asked.

  ‘No way! Jesus, I’m not going on record about that.’ Michelle was quiet for a minute, and then, her voice gentle, she asked, ‘How did you meet David?’

  David. Caitlin stopped smiling. Had she told Michelle his name was David? Of course she had. She’d said it when, in a moment of weakness that first time they’d met, she’d shown her his picture. ‘I don’t really want to talk about it, it’s hard …’

  Michelle put her hand on Caitlin’s arm for a moment. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I’ve been thinking about what you told me, and this might sound ridiculous, but there’s this woman – I’ve visited her a few times – an old itinerant woman who tells fortunes. Maybe she could tell you something. I don’t know if you believe in anything like that, but she’s really good. When my mother was sick, she told me exactly what the problem was … a sickness of the blood and the bones, she said. And that’s what it was.’