It Must Have Been Love

by LaBaye, Krissie

  Entering the hospital, hopefully for the last time, Angie took the stairs to the fourth floor. She was finding the stairs a little harder to climb this time around, and when she reached floor two she stopped for a moment to catch her breath. Faced with the choices of giving in to the bone-aching weariness and sitting down on the stairs, surrendering to the tiredness and taking the dreaded elevator, or marching bravely on, she chose the third option. Nothing would stand in her way, and as she continued climbing the mountainous stairway, one particular corny quote that Chris had picked up from a seminar rang in her head.

  “A winner never quits and a quitter never wins,” Chris would preach.

  Angie admired Chris’ continuing attempts to better himself personally and professionally. Chris was never afraid to try something new and had big plans for their future. In the early years of her marriage, motivational seminars were a big thing. She had attended a couple of seminars with Chris, but soon discovered that it just wasn’t her cup of tea. It appeared to Angie that many of the speakers had become rich and successful largely on the back of the gigantic fees that they charged their audience for attending their seminars. Chris was nobody’s fool and also saw through the hype. However, he enjoyed the positive vibes whipped up by the speakers, he usually gleaned at least some useful information, and he always came away with a fresh inspirational quote to add to his collection.

  In the latter years of their marriage whenever life was getting the better of Angie, Chris would come up with one of his overused quotes. She’d grit her teeth and resist the urge to tell him to shut up, because although she knew that he meant well, what she really wanted was a big warm hug. She would cut him off curtly midway through his sermon and that would cause a huge argument. He would storm out almost taking the door off its hinges, she would cry until tears ran dry. In the end, he gave up trying to talk and she gave up trying to listen. They had both forgotten his favorite cliché, and they had both begun to quit on their marriage.

  “You were right, Chris. A winner never quits and a quitter never wins,” Angie said quietly, as she puffed and panted her way up the final stairs to the fourth floor.

  Bursting confidently through the double doors towards the nurse’s station, Angie was tempted to bypass the formalities and charge along the corridor to see Chris. However, common sense prevailed, so instead she glanced around in all directions. At first, there was no sign of the trusty nurse Louise. Singing slightly off key, an unmistakable voice echoed down the corridor. Gradually getting louder and louder, the semi-melodious racket signaled to Angie that Louise would be with her at any moment.

  “Well hello again,” said the effervescent Louise. Dropping the discarded chewing gum wrapper she’d found into the wastebasket, she continued, “I don’t know why people don’t throw their litter in the trash. Oops watch out, grumpy alert,” she laughed.

  “You’re always so cheerful, Louise, I don’t know how you manage it,” Angie told her with sincere admiration.

  “I’ve just learned through experience that it’s much easier to deal with what life throws at you if you can keep smiling. It’s not always easy, and it doesn’t always work either. You should see me when I’ve just woken up,” Louise responded while at the same time giggling and pulling a silly face. “Your husband’s a bit of a joker, though. He’s had all of the staff and the patients laughing, although I suspect that some of his jokes are older than most of our patients.”

  This came as great news to Angie as it sounded more like the old Chris she knew. This could mean that he was getting back to normal and therefore might remember her. However, the down side to that could be that he still felt the way he did just prior to his accident. Angie had pictured her life if Chris had been killed, and now she couldn’t contemplate life without him. Chris had most probably not shared this revelation, having spent most of his time since the accident fast asleep. No matter how Chris reacted when she saw him again, Angie would not quit.

  “Come on then, let’s get you to your husband.”

  The two women wandered casually down the corridor chatting as they went. “I just want to thank you for being so kind, Louise. I’ve decided that even if Chris still can’t remember me I’m not giving up on us. I want him to come back home so I can look after him until he’s better.”

  “I’m sure that’s a great idea, but you’ll need to be patient, amnesia’s a strange thing. Sometimes it’s easy to think that if you tell an amnesiac about an event enough times they’ll suddenly remember it, but it’s not so simple. You could tell him a hundred times about your wedding day, but it won’t make a difference unless he remembers it himself. If you can accept that, then you’re off to a good start. Some amnesiacs get really frustrated, when they can’t remember things no matter how hard they try. You might have to be prepared to deal with some very bad moods.”

  “Oh well, no change there then,” Angie laughed, “I had nothing but bad moods from Chris before he moved out.”

  The two women looked at each other then simultaneously laughed aloud as they finally reached Chris’ room. Entering the room together, Louise waited at the open door until she saw how Chris would react. Angie felt somewhat conspicuous as all four bed occupants stopped what they were doing, eyes following her as she clanked her way noisily across the floor. Witnessing Chris’ smile of recognition towards Angie, Louise figured his memory was now back to normal and decided to leave them alone.

  “Hi, darling, I wondered when you were coming to see me. I’d almost given up hope. Please say you’ve come to take me home. I can’t wait to get back in my own bed. A nurse told me you’d been, but I corrected her. I’d know it if my own wife had been to see me wouldn’t I?”

  Today was getting crazier by the minute. Only a few hours ago Chris didn’t even know who she was. Now, although he knew who she was, he was behaving like he did in the good old days. The sarcasm and bitterness he’d so readily displayed in recent times had gone, like he’d forgotten that they were now living apart. He was busily chattering away and she couldn’t get a word in edgeways, but his babblings had left Angie wondering exactly what she should say next. It had taken ages for Angie to work out how she would convince Chris to come home if he didn’t know her. She had even worked out how she’d persuade him to come home if he remembered her but was still distant towards her. The problem now appeared to be that Chris still believed they were happily married. For one brief moment, Angie toyed with the idea of going along with the façade. Taking Chris home and acting like they’d never split up might seem like the perfect solution, but in a second Angie realized it wouldn’t work. For one thing, they couldn’t build their future on a lie, and sooner or later, if Chris didn’t remember, then someone would be sure to say something to give the game away.

  There was now a new dilemma facing Angie. How exactly do you tell your husband that you’ve recently split up, even though he can’t remember?

  “I did come to see you earlier, Chris, don’t you remember?”

  “Don’t joke with me, Angie, it’s not funny. I just want to get out of here. If they think I’m forgetting things they’ll want to keep me in longer. All I have to do is sign a few forms, they’ll bring me a wheelchair, and then you can take me home.”

  “I’ll be back in a moment, Chris. I just need a word with Louise, and then we’ll get you sorted.” Angie hurried down the corridor to find Louise, hoping that she might have some useful advice for her. It looked like Louise was preparing to finish her shift and that Angie had caught her just in time.

  “All sorted then, does he remember you now?”

  “Oh yeah, he remembers me alright. The trouble is he remembers me pre trial separation. He thinks we’re still happily living together. What do I do now?” Angie puzzled.

  “Well, Angie, I don’t know what to say. It’s not often I’m stuck for an answer, but this has really thrown me. One thing’s for sure, you can’t go talking about this stuff in a room full of strangers. I say that we should get Christopher i
nto a wheelchair and take you two somewhere more private. That’ll give you time to figure out what the next step is.”

  It was apparent that the effervescent Nurse Louise Brannagan seemed to have lost her fizz. There were no witty remarks or jokey smiles from this ordinarily perky nurse. Angie felt the comforting touch of the nurse’s hand on her arm, but still she remained poker faced.

  “We had this put in here ready for you to take him home,” the nurse said, as she produced a folded wheelchair from the room behind the nurse’s station. Opening up the wheelchair, Louise pushed it along the corridor, while Angie walked nervously by her side. She still wasn’t sure how she was going to handle the situation, but soon she would need to make a decision.

  “Oh you’re back. I thought you’d changed your mind and ran off without me,” Chris joked, as Angie and Louise entered the room and heading towards him.

  “Your chariot awaits,” Louise told Chris, as she pushed the wheelchair close up to his bed.

  Angie noticed that Louise had returned to her natural self and was giving no indication that anything was wrong, either to Chris or to anyone else in the room. Instead, the nurse remained calm, helping Chris carefully into the wheelchair. Wheeling him slowly out of the room, Louise pushed Chris into an empty side room as Angie followed close behind.

  “Alright, I’ll leave you two here to talk while I go fetch some coffee. You won’t be disturbed in here,” Louise reassured the couple as she left, sliding the black plastic slider on the door sign from vacant to occupied, before closing the door behind her.

  Now alone, there was an embarrassing silence that seemed to last forever. Chris seemed totally bewildered by what was going on, and Angie knew that she would have to break the silence. Dragging a comfortably padded office chair noisily along the floor by its wooden arms, she positioned it close up to Chris and his wheelchair. Sitting down and clearing her throat nervously, Angie really didn’t know where to start.

  “Chris, what do you remember about us?”

  “What sort of question is that, Angie? What do you mean, what do I remember about us?” Chris sounded irritated by her question.

  “I mean what I said, Chris. I’m not trying to be funny or anything like that. I just want you to tell me what you remember about us,” Angie asked, in a gentle but more serious tone.

  “Ok, if that’s the way you want it,” a slightly vexed Chris continued, “I remember we are married, we have no children or pets. We both want to see the world. You love chocolate, jellybeans, and cream cakes. We both like our music loud. You hate it when I leave the top off the toothpaste, and I hate it when I trip over the shoes you’ve left lying next to the sofa. We met on a blind date, and your favorite color is blue. Is that enough or should I go on?”

  It was now glaringly obvious that although Chris remembered many things, he had no idea that they had been living apart prior to his accident. Now for the hard part, for Angie to break the news to him.

  “Chris, there is no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it the best way I can.”

  Angie took a very deep breath, reached hold of his hand ready to begin. She was taken back to find that the long gone spark of electricity had returned, and right now it was making its way from the tip of her fingers right the way through her body. Now, though, was not the time to be thinking of such things. Now, she needed to keep a steady head and tell Chris the truth.

  “A few months ago we were finding it hard to get along anymore, so we decided to have a sort of trial separation. You moved out and we were seeing a marriage counselor. In fact that’s where you should have been when you ended up in here.”

  In stunned silence, Chris’s jaw dropped further with Angie’s every word. Looking almost catatonic, he waited for her to continue to turn his world upside down. He didn’t have to wait long.

  “I know this is a shock for you, Chris, but if we’re going to try again then we need to be honest with each other. I know this isn’t the best time to tell you, but I couldn’t let you just come home like nothing had happened.”

  Chris’s head was buzzing and he wanted to bombard Angie with questions. “How could I not remember something as big as us splitting up?” Chris tried to be patient and ask one question at a time, but before Angie could answer his first question he continued on with the next. “If I moved out, where was I living? It wasn’t because I cheated on you was it?”

  “No, no, no, you never cheated and neither did I. You were living in a hotel, but it was just temporary. We were trying to work things out,” Angie responded.

  It was crystal clear that Chris was becoming distressed and it was hardly surprising. Angie knew just how he felt. When she had seen him earlier and he hadn’t recognized her, everything had come crashing down, like her life with Chris didn’t exist. Now it was Chris’ turn, and the happy life he still thought he had with Angie was gone in an instant.

  “So what do we do now, Angie?”

  “I’d like you to come back home, at least until you recover. After all, you’re going to need help with stuff until you’re better. I think we should take one day at a time. If things work out well we could even give things another try.”

  “That’s very kind of you, Angie, but I don’t want you taking me back because you feel obligated.”

  “No, that’s not it at all. I’ve had plenty of time to think while you’ve been in here. When I heard about your accident I was terrified that you’d been seriously hurt, and that I’d never get a chance to talk to you again. I think we drifted apart mostly because we just stopped trying. We didn’t make enough time for us. We just rolled on by, day after day, doing the same old things. I think if we really tried, we could change all of that, and I really think it’s worth a try. Anyway, remember what you’ve been drumming into me for all these years? A winner never quits and a quitter never wins. I don’t think we should quit on us, how about you, Chris?”

  “Well, seeing as I never thought there was anything wrong with us in the first place, I don’t want to quit on us either. I guess the best thing would be for me to move back home and, like you say, we can take one day at a time. I’ll give it my best shot, that’s for sure. I seriously don’t remember us splitting up, though. I just hope I don’t drive you crazy running around after me while my foot gets better. You know I really don’t think I make a very good patient.”

  “No, you’re right, you don’t. In fact you’re the most impatient patient I’ve ever known,” Angie joked as she pulled a face at Chris.

  The couple laughed, leading to Chris having to swiftly clutch his ribs again. “Ouch, that hurts. Remind me not to laugh until I recover.”

  “No way, you’ll just have to hang on to your ribs before you do. Laughter is the medicine of life, and we both seriously need a daily dose,” Angie responded.

  As the laughter faded it was replaced by an uncomfortable silence. Just for a moment the two had laughed, just like they used to in the old days. However, they lived in the real world, and you can’t fix something in a few moments that took years to fall apart. Both Angie and Chris were struggling for something to say when there was a loud tap on the door.

  “Can I come in,” a familiar voice called out, but before either Chris or Angie answered, Louise was entering the room. Clutching a large tray laden with an assortment of biscuits, a coffee pot, and three coffee cups, Louise pretended not to notice how quiet the couple was.

  “I wasn’t sure what biscuits you’d like, so I just brought them all. I’m supposed to be watching my weight but you have to indulge once in a while, don’t you?” This was of course a rhetorical question, and therefore Louise didn’t need to wait for a response. Instead she just kept on talking, in order to make up for the silence. “It feels a little cold in here, don’t you think? Never mind, you’ll soon warm up with a hot cup of coffee. No wonder it’s cold, I wish they wouldn’t just go off and leave the windows open, it’s just so irritating,” Louise gabbled.

  Pointing to the vertical blinds,
which were wafting in the breeze, Louise thumped the tray down hard onto the large office desk, which sent coffee gushing out from the coffee pot spout. Louise had only just narrowly avoided waterlogging the computer keyboard next to the tray.

  “Oops, don’t think I’ll be very popular if I blow up the doctor’s computer, will I?” Louise chuckled. Speedily yanking a handful of paper towels from the wall dispenser, the usual levelheaded Nurse Brannagan looked flustered as she dabbed furiously at the coffee spill. Major catastrophe avoided, Louise carried the coffee soaked towels over to the hugely oversized pedal bin. Dumping the dripping mess into the bin, she took some fresh towels from the dispenser. Mopping up the tiny puddles of coffee from the shiny floor surface, all tell tale signs of the accident were now gone. Next Louise poked her hand through the wavering blinds and banged the window shut tight. Finally, she headed for the small hospital sink. A good squirt of sanitizing hand wash, some almost too hot water, followed by a rather inadequate hand drying with even more paper towels, and the nurse was done. Smoothing down her uniform with the flat of her hands, Louise steered herself towards the couple.