What She Needs

by Danyiel Nicole

  “Do you have something you’d like to share with me?” She sounds like she’s not happy right now.

  “What?”

  “So, when were you going to tell me you were dating Heath St. James?”

  I’m going to fucking kill Heidi.

  “What are you talking about Tamia?” I ask trying to figure out how much she knows.

  “I was checking my yahoo email account and looking at the stories and one of the headlines caught my eyes, ‘Heath St. James Off the Market Again, but Who is the Mystery Woman?’ I remember you telling me about him when you were here, so I open the article to see who he’s moved on to only to find that he hasn’t moved on to anyone; he’s dating you. Don’t worry, no one knows your name yet, they’re working to find out who you are, just give them a couple of days.”

  “Are you serious, Tamia?”

  I must sound alarmed because Heath asks me if everything is ok. I give him a quick nod and continue my conversation.

  “Do you have your iPad?” Tamia asks.

  “Yes,” I say opening my purse taking it out.

  “Then go to Yahoo and see for yourself.”

  I type in the web address and sure enough the headline is there. I open it and start to read. The first sentence throws me completely off. “Bridgecam Racing Champ, Heath St. James is giving love another try…” What the fuck does that mean? Bridgecam Racing Champ? What the fuck is Bridgecam Racing? Heath is a developer.

  Now everything is making sense.

  When he made his initial investment, he told me that for the purposes of the transaction he was a developer. I guess that meant he had another occupation. And no matter where we go people ask him for his autograph, and the first night I stayed at his house, he had on a Bridgecam Racing T-shirt. Why couldn’t he just tell me the truth about this occupation?

  “Licia, are you there?” Tamia breaks the silence.

  “Mia, I’ll call you back,” I say hanging up the phone not waiting for her to reply.

  I finish reading the article and sure enough, it says they don’t know my name but they are working on getting my identity. I look at the pictures and there is one of us on our first date leaving the restaurant, then there is one of us hugging in front of the Stansbury building the other day and there is one of us in the grocery store.

  Why wouldn’t Heath tell me that he holds what seems to be the most prestigious title in all of the United Kingdom’s motorcar sports? He just told me he loves me, but he’s already lying to me. I cannot and I will not have another relationship filled with lies and secrets. If I wanted that, I would have just stayed with David. I put my tablet back in my purse, fold my arms and look out of the window. I don’t know whether to be mad or hurt right now.

  Heath puts his hand on my thigh and squeezes it. I push it away still looking out of the window.

  “Alicia, what’s wrong?” Heath asks. I can hear the concern in his voice.

  I take a deep breath. “Heath, I will not be a part of a relationship where secrets are kept and lies are told. Just take me home, please.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  I turn to face him. “That was Tamia on the phone. She just told me I was dating a Bridgecam Racing Champion. I’m all over the fucking tabloids Heath. Why didn’t you tell me? Is that why everyone stares at us funny and asks for your autograph? How do you know I want to have my face plastered on trashy magazines? I’m a businesswoman, not a fucking public figure.” I’m absolutely livid.

  I can see his body tense up as if he has been made. He tightens his hand around the steering wheel but he doesn’t take his eyes off the road. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know how you’d take it. I have women falling at my feet wanting to be with me because of who I am. You’re different and I know you are, that’s why I love you. In your case, I was afraid you’d react like this. This morning the paparazzi wanted a picture of you and your information but I offered to pay them all ten thousand pounds apiece to leave you alone. I guess I didn’t get them all.”

  “I don’t like being left in the dark, especially when the situation involves my life. You just told me that you love me, but I don’t understand how that’s true when you didn’t even care to share what you do for a living with me. Instead, you chose to lie about it. Then I’ve asked you on numerous occasions why people act the way they do toward you and you give me some bullshit answer every time.” I’m not yelling but I’m not using my normal tone of voice, either.

  “I didn’t lie,” he sounds like he’s getting frustrated, too.

  “You didn’t tell me the truth. Look, I just got out of a marriage full of secrets and betrayal and I honestly don’t want to have to live through that again.”

  “Alicia, I-”

  “Just please take me home, Heath.”

  “Are you ending this?”

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I need some time alone to figure it out. So please take me home.”

  He lets out a hasty sigh and presses the gas making the car go faster. The rest of the ride home was uncomfortable, every time he tried to explain, I tell him that I don’t want to hear it. He finally gave up after numerous attempts at breaking the silence between us. I get out of the car as soon as he pulls into his parking space, not waiting on him to put the car in park and turn it off. I’m walking to the elevator as fast as I can and I hear his footsteps close behind. I hit the button for the elevator and after what seems like forever, the car finally comes to my rescue. We step on together and I hit the button for my floor and then his secretly hoping that he gets the hint that I’m going home and I don’t want him to join me.

  “Alicia,” Heath says before the elevator stops at my floor.

  “What Heath?” I snap.

  “Will you let me explain, please?”

  “I don’t want to hear it. I’m not in the market for another broken heart, and the fact that you’re lying to me this early in our relationship over something so simple only makes me think that’s what you’re going to do.”

  “Darling, you don’t understand.”

  “You’re right, I don’t, but I can’t begin to understand if you never explain anything to me.” I step off when the elevator stops at my floor.

  “Is it over?” He asks sounding distressed.

  I don’t answer him, nor do I turn to acknowledge his question, instead I walk to my door and let myself into my house then close it behind me. I don’t make it to the sofa before I hear him knocking.

  “Alicia,” I hear him say. “Please open the door. I want to talk to you. I need to explain.”

  I walk over to the door but I don’t open it. “It’s too late for that now. Why didn’t you just tell me when I asked you?” I sigh, “Go away Heath. I don’t want to talk right now.” I hear the elevator door open and close and I sigh with relief. I go to my room, change into something comfortable, grab my laptop and then climb into my bed.

  What have I gotten myself into? Why can’t I choose an honest man?

  Heath seemed like a really great guy, but they all seem like that in the beginning. I can’t believe I didn’t learn anything from David’s patterns. It’s just that Heath seems so different; he’s supportive of my career, he’s not selfish, and when he makes love it feels so real, it’s genuine. I just don’t understand why he would hide something as important as his career from me. As much as I like him, I’m not ready to be lied to again. More importantly, I don’t want to have to go through any of the hurt and pain that I had to endure since the beginning of the year. So, if ending it with Heath will spare my feelings in the long run, then so be it. I can’t let another man ruin my life.

  I turn on my laptop and type up an email to the division thanking them for their warm welcomes then I grab my tablet off the nightstand and start to read the local news, then the news in America, a cookbook I downloaded recently, my boring work emails, anything to keep my mind off Heath until my eyelids grow heavy. Just before I doze off to sleep, I hear my phone ch
ime, it’s a text message from Heath.

  *I didn’t mean for you to find out this way. I was going to tell you today myself*

  When I look at the text I almost throw my phone. I respond, instead, because I need an explanation.

  *Why didn’t you just tell me what was going on when I asked you Heath?*

  *Because . . . my family thinks that race car driving is a childish occupation. I was afraid that you would think it was silly and lose interest in me. Can you please open the door?*

  I hop out of bed and walk to my front door and open it to find Heath sitting in the hallway holding his phone.

  “How long have you been here?” I ask.

  “I never left,” he answers, his voice cracking. “Alicia, I’m sorry if I hurt you, it’s the last thing I want to do. I really do love you. I . . . I don’t know how that is possible in such a short amount of time but I do. I’ve never felt this way about a woman before.” I walk into the hallway and sit down next to him leaning my head on his shoulder. “Will you forgive me?” He asks.

  I let out a deep sigh. “When you care about a person it doesn’t matter what their occupation is. The only thing that matters is where their heart is. I actually think you being a superstar race car driver is kind of cool.”

  He kisses the top of my head. “Thank you.” I stand and he stands with me, picking me up into his arms. “So am I forgiven?” He asks looking into my eyes.

  “Yes, but no more secrets,” I say playfully scolding him.

  “I promise.”

  He walks into the house with me still in his arms, locks the door and then heads down the hall to my room placing me on the bed. He slides my pajama shorts off as I stare at him not saying a word. He pulls me down to the edge of the bed and then drops to his knees and I finally speak. “Heath, what are you doing?”

  “What I’ve wanted to do since I saw you in those jeans this morning,” He says as he bends my knees, spreads my legs and plants his face between them.

  Chapter 8

  I start to dream of pregnant women and crying babies. As I stare at them wondering why I’m having to deal with them and what they have to do with me at this point in my life, I hear a familiar voice behind me. “No Alicia, none of them are yours.” I turn around and meet the disgusted look on Heath’s face and then all of the women and children start to laugh at me.

  What in the world is that all about?

  Why am I having the same exact dream I had when I was going through the roughest part of my relationship with David and why am I seeing Heath in it? Does this mean Heath is going to betray me over and over again like David did because I forgave him so quickly and then let him make love to me afterwards? Is my dream telling me to leave Heath now and move on with my life before I end up getting hurt by the second man I’ve cared for this deeply?

  I get out of the bed to use the bathroom, then head to the kitchen to get something to drink. The microwave clock says its 2:30 in the morning, meaning Tamia is probably still up. I go back to my room and grab my phone off the nightstand careful not to wake Heath, then go back down the hall to the living room, sit crossed-legged on the sofa, and then call my best friend. She answers on the second ring.

  “Hey, is everything alright?” Tamia asks concerned.

  “Yes, everything is fine,” I answer, my voice just above a whisper.

  “Well, it’s late there and you should be sleeping. So tell me what is bothering you because I know it’s something.”

  I sigh, “You remember that dream I told you I had about David and the women and children?”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “What do you think it was trying to tell me?”

  “That you were married to a lying two-timing dog and that as long as you kept forgiving him he was going to continue to make selfish decisions that will hurt you.”

  “Well . . . um, I had that same dream, but it was Heath instead of David and now I’m scared. We got into a fight after I found out from you what he does for a living and because my face is plastered all over the internet. Mia, I don’t want to have a relationship full of secrets and lies. These people over here go crazy over him when we are together and every time I asked him why, he blew me off with some lame explanation.”

  “Maybe you had that same dream because you feel betrayed as badly by Heath as you were by David, but if you want my opinion it’s nowhere near the same. I did a little research on your new beau and one article says that he told someone that he’s in love again but he doesn’t care to share with whom just yet. Alicia, he’s talking about you!”

  “Mia, we’ve only been dating for one week. How can he know that he loves me that fast? I just got a divorce. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to be dating someone just yet, let alone saying that I love them.”

  “Alicia please, you’re not in high school, you’re old enough to know what you want or need from a man. You know your requirements for relationship and love. There may be a reason that he hid his occupation from you, maybe he’s been used for his social status or money.”

  Damn, Mia is spot on. Why couldn’t I see any of this?

  “He told me that his parents don’t exactly support him,” I say.

  “Well, there you go. Maybe he thought it was better to hide it from you until he could figure you out.”

  Well, that makes sense.

  “What do you think I should do Mia?

  “Whatever makes you happy baby girl. As long as he doesn’t hurt you he’s alright with me. Now go to bed; it’s late and I’m about to cuddle with my man and my baby.”

  I laugh quietly, “Good night Tamia, and thank you.”

  “Anytime my love, we’ll talk later.”

  We hang up. I take a deep breath and sit my phone down next to me. I like Heath, I mean really like Heath, but I’m just not in the market for getting my feelings hurt again. I forgave him as quickly as I used to forgive David and then allowed him to make love to me, as fast as David used to. I sit so long that I doze off , but I’m awakened when Heath sits down next to me. He’s shirtless, only wearing his boxer briefs and a pair of socks showing off his dark chocolate skin and edible body.

  “Darling, why did you leave me in bed alone?” He asks in that accent that makes my heart skip a beat.

  “I had a bad dream,” I answer, yawning sleepily then lay my head in his lap facing away from him.

  “A bad dream about what?” He asks sounding concerned.

  “Don’t worry about it, I talked to Tamia and I’m fine now.”

  “Alicia, I’m your boyfriend, we’re in a relationship. If something is bothering you, you should come to me. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with calling your friend but she’s halfway across the globe. I’m in the bed with you.”

  After thinking about what he said for a couple of moments, I start to tell him about my dream and what I interpreted from it. When I’m finished, he lets out a deep breath and starts to caress my back with his strong hands.

  “Alicia, I will never willingly hurt you. I admit that hiding what I do for a living from you was a bit deceitful, but I had every intention of telling you. I just didn’t know how, and I didn’t want you to think I was wasting my life away like my mother does.”

  “Why doesn’t your mother support you?”

  “Because she wanted me to become a physician, not work for my father and definitely not something as dangerous as race car driving.”

  “What does your father say about it?”

  “Nothing, he supports whatever I want to do with my life. Besides, I get him good seats at the races.” He chuckles. “I’m more concerned about what you think about what I do.”

  I turn to face him. “You’re following your dream; I respect anyone who does that. Besides, that’s why I’m here. If it were up to my ex-husband, I would be a housewife, barefoot, pregnant and in his kitchen. I knew at a young age that life wasn’t for me.”

  “Well, let’s make a pact; I’ll support your career as long as you support
mine.”

  “You have a deal,” I say smiling up at him.

  He leans in and kisses me on the lips. “Let’s go back to bed,” he says and we both stand and walk down the hall to my bedroom. Once he’s settled in, I slide in next to him and lay my head on his chest at his request. It feels so comfortable that I’m asleep in no time.

  ***

  So far, the day is going well. Heath and I talked more about the way I dealt with finding out about his job from someone and I admitted that I was wrong for not letting him explain. I also pointed out that I gave him ample opportunities to explain and he didn’t, but after talking to him I understand his reservation. When we agreed to not knowingly keep secrets from one another an uneasy feeling came over me because I still haven’t told him about my infertility.

  We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

  ***

  Heath is home getting dressed, leaving me to do the same. I’m more nervous than I’ve been in a long time. I haven’t met anyone’s parents since I was introduced to David’s back in college, and that was easy because they already knew who I was and they were American. I’ve heard the stereotypes given to Americans by Europeans. Heath said it’s just dinner so I don’t have to get all dressed up, but I’m still confused. I mindlessly fumble through my clothes and come up with nothing. Frustrated, I sit on the floor of my closet Indian style and put my head in my hands.

  “Alicia,” I hear Heath call out after letting himself in with the key I let him borrow.

  “I’m in my closet,” I yell as loud as I can hoping that he hears me.

  I can hear his footsteps coming up the hall and finally stopping at my closet doorway. “Darling, why are you still in your bra and panties?” He asks.

  “Because I don’t have anything to wear,” I whine and still haven’t looked at him yet.

  “You have a walk-in closet half the size of this room filled to the brim with clothes and shoes and you have nothing to wear?”

  I fold my arms across my chest and pout. “You know what I mean; I don’t want to put on something that will offend your parents. Tonight is a very important step in our relationship.”