by Amy Andrews
When would it stop? She hoped and prayed that by the time the op came around in four months or so she’d be feeling less on edge around him because the separation would require nerves of steel. There would be no room for this odd jittery feeling. This heightened awareness of him. Gabe seemed perfectly cool with it. Why the hell couldn’t she?
Two weeks passed. Two more case conferences. Beth had spent the morning away from the theatres, first attending the case conference and then travelling across the city to the Raymont Hospital to look at the way closed circuit cameras had been implemented into their theatres.
Her head was buzzing with information as she stopped by the cafeteria located in the grounds of the General, to pick up a cappuccino and a sandwich. The twins and the impending operation were uppermost in everyone’s thoughts. At least Beth was finally starting to feel a little less like she had ‘Gabe Fallon and I slept together’ tattooed on her forehead as preparations continued.
He still had the ability to make her breathless from a smile or one word in his smooth accent but he was professionalism personified, focused to the point of obsession about the operation, and it made it easier to put their intimacies behind her.
Beth paid for her food and was passing the tables located outside, her mind on the projected budget John had requested, when she was interrupted.
‘Beth.’
Gabe had seen Beth approach as he sat at a table with Scott and June and the girls. He’d run into them when he’d popped down to get some lunch and they had asked him to join them. It was a gorgeous sunny February day and he’d been more than happy to sit with them and soak up some sunshine. Februarys in England were never like this.
‘Beth,’ Gabe called again, louder this time as she appeared to have not heard him. He’d managed to persuade her that they could revert to first names without giving any secrets away.
The budget figures disappeared into the ether as Beth turned her head towards Gabe’s voice as if pulled by a powerful magnet. She spotted him sitting with Scott and June and he waved at her. He looked all sexy and relaxed in a green shirt almost the exact shade of his eyes, a smile making his features even more deadly. Her step faltered. Did she really have to socialise with him? They were together more than was good for her sanity anyway.
But the Fishers were smiling at her and it would be rude to ignore them. She plastered a smile on her face as she approached.
‘Do you guys live here?’ Beth teased as she drew close.
‘Feels like it.’ June laughed. ‘We had some other appointments and stopped for lunch. We managed to persuade Gabe that a pasty Englishman needed a bit of sunshine.’
Beth joined the laughter. Gabe was a far cry from pasty and they all knew it.
‘Have you got time to join us?’ Gabe asked, patting the bench seat beside him.
Beth looked at her watch, wishing he hadn’t put her on the spot. She shrugged. ‘I don’t have to be anywhere for half an hour.’
Gabe scooted over and Beth sat. Beside her the twins babbled away in their pram, the visor down to shade them from the midday sun. Beth’s eyes were automatically drawn to them as she unwrapped her sandwich.
Two perfect babies. If she hadn’t known about their conjoined condition, she’d have thought they were normal babies lying back to back. They were gorgeous. Little bow mouths and blue eyes. Their fused heads were covered in a light smattering of blonde hair and Brooke had a small brown birthmark on her forearm.
‘Do you have kids, Beth?’ Scott asked.
Beth looked up. How many times had she been asked this question in her life? How many times had it cut her to the quick to deny it? ‘No,’ she said, taking a bite of her sandwich, feeling the same emptiness she always felt.
They made small talk as they ate, mainly about the girls. It was easy to think of them as one child but Beth and Gabe laughed as June told funny stories about their individual traits. As she finished her coffee Beth had a much better appreciation of the Fisher family and the challenges they faced with the girls’ rare condition.
Scott and June were such lovely people. They could have been bitter about the hand fate had dealt them but they were continually upbeat and unwaveringly positive.
‘I know people think we should have terminated the pregnancy,’ June said, expertly scooping the girls out of the pram onto her lap. ‘But how could we have not known our girls? Even if just for a little while?’
How indeed? Beth knew too well the ache inside from empty arms. She stared at June as she kissed the girls’ heads and snuggled them in close, feeling envious. June looked as dedicated and loving as any mother and Beth felt a painful twinge in her chest.
‘You followed your heart,’ Beth said quietly, wishing she’d had the strength to follow hers.
Gabe heard the wistful note in Beth’s voice and was surprised to see a shimmer of tears in her gaze before she blinked them away. The urge to squeeze her hand was surprisingly strong. Damn it. Despite knowing he shouldn’t be, couldn’t afford to be, he was attracted to her.
Luckily for him her reserve and painstaking professionalism made it easy for him to keep a lid on it. But seeing her like this, all soft and…vulnerable, not guarded, he felt it flare out of control. Her mouth was soft and her teeth were pressed into her bottom lip and he remembered how great her mouth had felt under his. How vulnerable she’d been, sobbing in his arms.
‘Would you like to hold them?’ June asked Beth.
Beth knew she shouldn’t. It would be breaking every professional boundary that existed but she felt so bereft at the moment and her arms ached to hold them. And they were babies. The best nurses knew that sometimes boundaries were there to be crossed.
Beth nodded and June stood to hand them over, placing them effortlessly in Beth’s lap. Their smell was the first thing that filled her senses and, smiling, she shut her eyes and inhaled their sweet fragrance as she rubbed her cheek against the soft down covering their heads.
‘They like that,’ Gabe murmured.
Beth opened her eyes to find Bridie smiling a dribbly smile at him. Gabe offered his index finger and Bridie grasped it gleefully. Gabe laughed and Beth felt it go right to her pelvic floor muscles.
He looked up and smiled at her.
‘She likes you,’ Beth said huskily. Did he have the same effect on the entire female population?
‘What’s not to like?’ Gabe grinned and returned his attention to Bridie.
Indeed. A voice that purred. Mesmerising eyes. Sexy as hell. And a hit with babies. A very dangerous combination.
‘You’re both naturals.’ Scott smiled.
Except she was too old and he was too career orientated. Beth shut her eyes again, revelling in the feel of the two squirming, sweet bundles pressed against her. She still wanted this. Damn it. Twenty-three years later, her arms still ached to hold a baby.
Her pager pealed and Brooke jumped. Scott and June laughed as Beth apologised. ‘I’d better go,’ she said reluctantly as she pulled the pager off her waistband and checked the message.
‘Here, give them to me,’ Gabe said, holding out his arms.
Beth baulked at the intimacy but after one last cuddle shuffled them onto Gabe’s lap and bade everyone a hasty goodbye. Unfortunately, the mental image of Gabe with the two little girls cuddled against his chest stayed with her for hours.
A few days later, due to staffing problems, Beth was standing gowned up next to Gabe, trying not to remember how right he’d looked holding the twins. At least the awkwardness she’d initially felt in his company had started to dissipate and, looking around the theatre now, Beth doubted anyone could tell from their body language that they’d been lovers.
It certainly couldn’t be told from Gabe’s. He was every inch the neurosurgeon as he concentrated on excising the tumour from the anaesthetised patient’s brain. His movements were precise, his touch impersonal, his requests businesslike. She was taking her cues from him and it got easier every day, but part of her still expected
someone to point the finger at any moment and expose them.
Beth handed Gabe a swab and noted she was running out.
‘More swabs,’ she requested, lifting her eyes to David, who was hovering nearby. The students had been allowed to undertake scout nurse duties this week.
David located a packet and carefully opened the sterile packaging, his finger accidentally brushing the corner of the swabs.
‘Your hand contaminated the sterile field,’ Beth said firmly. ‘Get another packet please.’ She wasn’t angry, just matter-of-fact. It happened a lot, even to seasoned professionals.
But she noted the colour in David’s cheeks when he returned. ‘It’s OK,’she said in a low voice as he opened the new packet with trembling fingers. ‘It happens to the best of us. The important thing is to be honest when it happens and realise that sterility is what’s important—not ego or pride. This patient needs every one of us to be vigilant.’
David nodded and performed a count of the swabs with her. She watched as he changed the count sheet to reflect the additional pack.
Beth turned back to Gabe. A sudden wave of dizziness assailed her. Her vision blurred and she blinked to clear it as she steadied herself against the table. Nausea slammed into her and she felt sweat bead on her brow. She took a few deep breaths but the mask hindered her and made her feel claustrophobic.
It took a few seconds for the light-headedness to dissipate. She became aware of Gabe asking her for something.
‘Beth?’ Gabe frowned, looking down at her. ‘Are you with us?’ he demanded.
Beth blinked and gave her head a slight shake to clear the lingering fog. ‘I’m sorry,’ she apologised. ‘I was…thinking ahead.’
Gabe nodded, not totally convinced. ‘Needle holder,’ he repeated.
Beth passed it to him and leaned heavily against the table as another wave of dizziness hit. Gabe said something and she looked at him but she couldn’t hear the words for the ringing in her ears and her pulse hammering madly through her head.
‘Beth?’
Beth continued to stare at him as her vision started to blacken from the outside in. Oh, God, she was going to faint!
‘Gabe,’ she said breathily, before her sight went altogether, ‘I think I’m going to faint.’
Gabe could see the spark in her eyes fading and it took a couple of seconds to realise that Beth was teetering on the edge of consciousness.
‘David! Catch!’ Gabe ordered as the unsuspecting student passed behind them.
A startled David turned just in time to catch Beth as she slumped and fell backwards. The whole theatre stared at the unconscious Beth. The very capable Sister Rogers fainting? Impossible!
‘Is she OK?’ Gabe demanded. ‘How’s her pulse?
David placed two fingers against her neck, locating the strong, steady thump of Beth’s carotid. ‘Good.’
Gabe felt a wave of relief wash over him. He hadn’t realised he’d been holding his breath. ‘Tom, help David with Sister Rogers,’ he told the orderly. ‘Get her on a gurney.’
Gabe, satisfied that Beth had just fainted, shut down his concern and returned his focus to the operation. ‘Which one of you is going to scrub?’ he asked the three nurses standing against the wall, still looking askance at the spectacle.
‘Come on, come on,’ he demanded. ‘Concentrate, everyone, we have a head to close.’
And with that, the operation got back on track.
Beth came to as Tom and David were placing her on the gurney the tumour patient had been wheeled into the theatre on.
She murmured and then her eyes fluttered open. Tom and David’s blurry features swam before her coming into slow focus. ‘Wh-what happened?’
‘You fainted,’ David said.
Beth blinked. Huh? Her? Faint? She’d never fainted in her life! She struggled to sit up and immediately felt woozy.
‘Whoa there,’ Tom said, placing a steadying hand on Beth’s shoulder as she swayed drunkenly. ‘I’ll put the head up.’
He used the handle at the side to adjust the gurney and lift the top to bring Beth into a supported sitting position.
‘I’m fine, I’m fine,’ Beth protested, as she shut her eyes to stop the room spinning. ‘It’s probably just my blood pressure.’
David pulled the blood-pressure cuff off the anaesthetic monitor and placed it around a protesting Beth’s arm.
‘Eighty on forty-five,’ he announced when the figure appeared on the monitor.
‘See,’ Beth said crankily. ‘Just a bit of postural hypotension.’ Except she really felt like she was going to throw up.
‘I’ve known you since you did your training here, Beth,’ Tom said sternly. ‘You are not a fainter. Everything all right?’
Beth nodded firmly. ‘Of course. I think maybe I just need to eat something. My blood sugar might be a little low.’ Beth swung her legs round until she was sitting on the edge of the gurney, pleased that the dizziness had settled.
Tom nodded. ‘I’ll give you a hand to the tearoom.’
Beth squared her shoulders and looked the orderly, who had been at the General since before her father, in the eye. ‘You will do no such thing, Tom Lester. I’m perfectly capable of walking unaided.’
They helped her off the trolley and hovered while she got her bearings. ‘Tom, go back into the theatre,’ Beth ordered. ‘I’m fine now and they’ll need you.’
The orderly hesitated. ‘David can help me,’ Beth assured him hastily. She wanted to talk to the student nurse about the earlier incident anyway.
Tom looked at David with a measured stare and Beth could tell he was trying to convey a don’t-let-her-out-of-your-sight message to the younger man. Then he headed back toward the theatre. Beth wanted to remind the orderly she wasn’t a child and she was the boss around here, but the nausea was growing and if she didn’t eat soon she was seriously going to vomit.
David accompanied her to the tearoom and Beth indicated for him to take a chair as she grabbed a yoghurt from the fridge and devoured it. The trembling in her hands settled and the nausea stopped as if someone had flipped a switch. She sank back into the chair opposite David and closed her eyes gratefully.
What the hell was wrong with her? Was she coming down with something? Flu? She didn’t feel feverish or have a sore throat or aching joints. Had she contracted some horrible virus with a long incubation period all those years ago when she’d lived overseas? She had worked in some fairly dodgy parts of the world.
This wouldn’t do. Beth Rogers didn’t get sick. In her eight years back at the General she hadn’t had one sick day. And she certainly wasn’t about to start now. Whatever it was it could just leave her alone. She didn’t have time to be ill.
‘Sister Rogers? Are you OK?’
Beth heard the slight crack in the younger man’s voice and opened her eyes, pleased to find that the room was stable. She looked at the concern on his face. ‘Yes, thanks, David,’ she said, and smiled to allay his concerned look. ‘I am now.’
‘You gave us all a scare,’ David said.
Beth noticed how his shoulders relaxed and the frown marring his forehead evened out. ‘Don’t worry, it won’t happen again, I promise.’
The look of relief on David’s face was almost comical and Beth suppressed a smile. ‘What about you?’ she asked. ‘How are you doing? I hope you’re not worried about contaminating the sterile package earlier.’
‘No,’ David sighed. ‘I’m not…but…’
‘But?’ Beth could tell there was something bothering him.
‘There’s so much to learn, you know? I really like this specialty. But there’s so many instruments and set-ups and procedures. I’m worried I’m going to stuff up all the time.’
Beth nodded, pleased that David was conscientious enough to care about his performance. It obviously wasn’t just another rotation for him. She glimpsed a bit of her younger herself in him.
‘Relax, David,’ she said. ‘We all make mistakes when we’re first s
tarting. And there is so much to learn. You know what I used to do? I used to spend every opportunity in the storeroom with the trays and an equipment manual, familarising myself with the different instruments. The basic ones and which combinations constituted which setups for which operations. I even used to come in on my days off. But I learned pretty quickly that way.’
‘Yeah?’
David looked thoughtful and she could tell he was eager to learn. ‘And don’t forget. I’m here too. As well as the other senior staff. We’re your resource people. Use us. OK?’
‘OK,’ he said, and smiled.
Beth smiled back, pleased with her rapport with the student nurse and that he seemed so receptive to her advice. ‘Now, get back to the theatre.’
Beth shut her eyes again after David had departed, her head lolling back against the wall. She wondered how long it would take the hospital grapevine to Chinese-whisper her little faint into something much more serious.
Beth lurched between feeling perfectly normal and desperately nauseated for the next few hours. Luckily she’d discovered that eating something was a very quick fix to the queasiness and an old packet of chocolate-coated sultanas she’d found in the bottom of her drawer worked miracles.
At one o’clock Rilla and Hailey arrived at her office. About the same time her stomach decided to become unsettled again and the sultanas were gone.
‘We came as soon as we heard,’ Hailey said, munching on a chocolate bar.
‘Why are you still here?’ Rilla added. ‘You’re obviously not well.’
Beth startled at their intrusion and looked up, spying her sister’s chocolate bar. ‘Quick, Hailey,’ she said, standing and pointing, ‘break me off a bit, will you?’
‘This is my lunch,’ Hailey complained.
‘Hailey!’ Beth practically snarled. ‘I’m just asking for a bit. I’ll buy you another one later. I need it now!’
Hailey blinked at the savageness of her sister’s tone and snapped a bit off, handing it over. Rilla and her exchanged looks as their normally reserved, placid sister did a pretty good impression of the Cookie Monster.