Even though there was no familial similarity between her gaze and that of her father’s, the wide-open glassy appearance of her sorrow-filled irises called his death stare to mind, and it was too much for me to handle.
It could have been her.
When I met her gaze, it was her. It was her staring at me with unseeing eyes while the fire consumed her flesh. Her, watching me from a place beyond life, somewhere I couldn’t rescue her from. Her blood on my hands.
I choked on the thoughts and shook the images from my head. Her death was a possibility I never wanted to experience. I couldn’t witness that and survive. Above anything else, I needed to keep her safe.
It left me only one choice. I had to go.
My family had come in search of me, but instead they’d destroyed her life. It wouldn’t stop either. I had no idea how Evie had escaped Eth’s clutches after he’d given chase, but with her bedraggled appearance the previous night, it mustn’t have been easy. Even by being in the hotel room with her, I was risking her life again when my family tried to find me. They would never be satisfied with me simply walking away; I’d known that, and yet I still tried to make it work.
Look at what that cost her.
I tugged free of her hold and sat up as bile rose in my throat. Evie followed behind me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders.
“Evie, wait,” I said, as I extracted myself from her arms. I couldn’t even think of being with her in any way if I was just going to be the cause of her death. I had to go. I glanced at her long legs poking out from the bottom of her sleep shirt. If I didn’t leave soon, I wasn’t sure how long I could avoid giving in to temptation. My fingertips burned in anticipation of brushing over her warm skin.
She continued to try to coax me into kissing her.
“Please don’t,” I begged.
“Kiss me,” she demanded in a whisper.
“I don’t think this is a good idea.”
She pressed her finger softly to my lips. “Don’t think. Just feel.”
She grabbed at the hem of my shirt, but I pulled away from her touch.
“Evie,” I said, my voice filled with warning. There was no way I could let her be killed because of me. The decision became firmer with every moment. I was going to have to leave her; there was no other choice for me. I could choose not to take advantage of her first though.
“Please, Clay?”
“I can’t, I just . . . I can’t.” She didn’t understand. But how could she? I needed to explain myself better. I needed space to think. More than anything though, I needed to get the image of her father’s lifeless eyes from my head.
I stood and paced around the room as I considered how to explain my epiphany to her. How could I tell her that even though I loved her—that even though she’d already lost everything dear to her—I had to leave her?
“What is it?” she asked from her position on the bed.
I couldn’t even look at her or my resolve would falter.
You’re doing this for her, to keep her safe.
“I don’t know how to say this. I thought we could make this thing work between us, but I was wrong.”
“What are you saying?”
“I didn’t want to do this just yet,” I murmured to myself. I turned to meet her gaze but that was a mistake. She’d pulled the shirt down, but I could still see the supple skin high on her thigh and could imagine the feeling of it beneath the tips of my fingers or the taste of it on my lips.
I turned away before I took full advantage of everything she was offering.
The problem was, she didn’t know what I did, so she wasn’t making an informed choice. I couldn’t use her like that, taking my own pleasure from her grief only to tear her heart into smaller pieces once we were finished.
She didn’t know the only way we could leave the room was separately to go on with our own lives—apart from one another so that she would be safe. I couldn’t offer her any protection, only danger. It had to be done, for the sake of her life, and my sanity. “But I can’t go on like this. Being here with you, like this, your kisses . . . your body . . . It all just makes me want to take you in my arms and never let go.”
“Then do that,” she begged. “It works for me.”
“I can’t stay. Not after yesterday. Everything that happened, it was my fault.” Once more, her father’s dead, accusing eyes filled my vision, and I could barely get the words out. “I can’t let that happen to you. I won’t.”
“Is this about what I said?”
It took me a moment to understand what she was talking about. She’d blamed me. She’d said she hated me. I almost wished she did—it would make what came next that much easier.
“No,” I said to reassure her, before realizing it was at least partially a lie. I couldn’t lie to her again—not after the cost of the last one. “Yes. But it’s not for the reason you’re probably thinking.”
“Then why?” The heartbreak in her voice was almost enough to break my resolve—to break me entirely.
“Being here with you, it isn’t my place in the world.”
“I don’t care about the world,” she said. “I didn’t think you did either?”
It was true that a week ago, I didn’t. I had never experienced the true fear of imagining her death then either, not since the true depth of my feelings for her had been awakened.
“I do, Evie. At least, I do now.”
“Why? I thought I was important to you? More important than any of that stuff.”
“You are,” I reassured her. Walking away was always going to be hard, but I didn’t expect it to feel like my heart was on fire. “So important.” Tears stole my voice as I tried to explain. “If you weren’t, I wouldn’t be leaving. I can’t see you hurt because of me.”
Her sobs left her anew. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
I couldn’t ignore her pain any longer. I rushed over to her and drew her against me.
“I know it doesn’t, but I can’t explain it better. Yesterday . . . God, Evie, I thought you were dead. And your father . . . It’s my fault. All of it. If I hadn’t tried to find you . . .”
Her arms squeezed me tight, as if she wouldn’t ever let me go. Part of me hoped she wouldn’t. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t go.”
“I have to. My family, they expect me to go with them. If I don’t, they’ll come back for me. They’ll try again and again to find me. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but if I stay it’s as if I was putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger.”
“You won’t hurt me,” she said.
“I won’t.” I was more certain of that fact than ever before. I couldn’t harm her, could barely believe that I’d ever had the thought that she deserved death. “But that doesn’t mean you’ll be safe with me either. I was a fool for thinking that I could ever escape my past. Too many people know me; anyone from the Rain could recognize me and report that they’d seen me. I can’t save you from that.”
The more she pleaded with me, the more I wanted to stay.
I had to be strong, but I wasn’t strong enough. If I had the strength to fight against the world for her, I could stay, but I didn’t. I had to make her see that.
“Don’t you understand? I’m not strong enough to protect you.”
“I don’t need protection.”
“I know you don’t. You’re so strong, Evie, strong enough to do this on your own. I know you are. That’s the reason I have to leave. My being here with you, it’ll only put you in more danger. I’m sorry. I can’t be the reason you die too.” I fell to my knees in front of her and begged her to understand in a quiet whisper. If the tables were turned, I was certain she’d want to be as far from me as possible.
“So that’s it?” The anger was back in her voice. “I’ve just lost my father. I’ve lost everything! And you choose this moment to leave? You turned my life upside down and you’re just going to leave me here alone?”
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, knowi
ng the words were grossly inadequate. I’d fucked things up completely, and I didn’t know how to begin fixing them. “I promise I’ll make this right someday. I just . . . I don’t know how.”
“What am I supposed to do now?” she asked.
Lifting my hand to caress her face, I reached out to touch her one last time, but she pulled away. Hurt, but trying to understand the reaction under the circumstances, I stood and walked away from her. “I don’t know, but I know you’ll figure it out.”
I moved closer to the door, each step weighted with agony as I forced myself to leave.
She’ll be safer once I’m gone. The thought was the only thing that kept my feet moving.
Glancing over my shoulder, I took my last look at her beautiful but grief-stained face. I reached down for my bag and swung it onto my shoulder.
“You said that you might as well have put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger,” she murmured so quietly that for a moment I doubted that I’d actually heard anything. “Well, you know what?”
I stopped, hoping she’d have some other fix, but knowing she probably didn’t.
“It would have been kinder if you’d just killed me.”
Her words were daggers into my already damaged and aching heart. I hadn’t meant to hurt her. I definitely didn’t want her to think death was preferable to the short time we’d had together. Every precious second was burned into my heart, and I’d cherish them always. I’d hoped that she might too. Eventually.
You’re a fucking idiot!
I needed something else to hurt as much as my heart, so I shouted and launched a punch against the wall. The instant it connected, my knuckle popped and split open from the impact. My hand throbbed. I’d been mistaken in my reasoning for doing it though—it hadn’t lessened the hurt in my chest at all. It had just added a new ache to the litany of pain I was in.
Behind me, Evie issued a small cry. With a glimpse over my shoulder, I saw her flinched. It wasn’t what I wanted. Even if our love had to die for her to be safe, I didn’t want her to fear me. I took a moment to calm my breathing and tried to be reassuring as I told her what I’d done for her. “I’ve left all of my cash and there are some clothes for you in that bag.” I nodded toward the bag I’d organized the night before. “The room is paid for until Wednesday morning.”
“And then I’m on my own.”
I braced myself against the doorframe as her broken voice called to me. The sound of her pain spoke to my own and beckoned me home—back into her arms. Thinking about Eth, Dad, and Lou—they were certain to be looking for me already—I nodded.
“One day, it might be safe for us. When that day comes, I’ll find you.” It was the only hope I had, the only thing that would keep me waking up each day and putting one foot in front of the other.
“Don’t bother.”
Her words hit me right in the gut. I forced myself through the door and stood on the other side, trying not to vomit as the guilt, anger, worry, and fear for her future all crashed over me simultaneously. Behind my back, the door vibrated with the impact of Evie’s fists. I listened, holding myself firm as she took her anger out on the motel room.
"Damn you!" she screamed at me through the wood.
Resting my forehead against the outside of the door, I was certain that if I knocked she’d open it and let me back in within the length of a heartbeat. We’d crash together and take out our sorrow and frustration on each other. I could picture every perfect moment of that madness, yet I couldn’t do it. My reasons for leaving were valid; I needed her safety more than I needed my own sanity. I pressed my hand against the wood and thought the words I couldn’t go back inside to say.
I’m sorry.
CHAPTER TWELVE
ON MY WAY out, I stopped at the motel clerk’s desk. With some luck, someone different was on duty to the one who’d checked me in the night before. I gave our room number and told them there was a girl making some noise, hoping they would only give her a warning—just enough to help to calm her anger without actually kicking her out.
When I reached the road, I took a moment to consider my next step. It was unlikely that Evie would leave the motel of her own violation any time soon, so I was certain she’d be safe if only I could draw my family away. There was one easy way I could do that, the reason I’d left Evie despite the heartbreak it caused us both, and that was to return to my old life.
If I didn’t find them first, my family were bound to search for me again and again, and there was only so long before they might cross Evie’s path. I knew my family enough to know they would refuse to leave Charlotte until I was with them.
Each of them would have their different reasons for that choice. For Dad it would be his pride, for Lou it would be her desire to have her confidant back, and for Eth it would be what it always was—family. I couldn’t fault Lou or Eth for their reasons, just their methods.
I tried to plan my first move, but my heart burned as I thought of taking even a step farther away from Evie. I was barely at the end of the street, but it still took everything I had in me not to rush back to the hotel room and see if she was still willing to offer me everything. To take me back and let me love her until the end of our days as impossible as it was.
Taking a deep breath and resigning myself once more to the fact that I would likely never see Evie again, I started to move.
If I was looking for me, where would I start? I tried to draw up a plan of attack to find my family.
The warehouse I’d stayed in was a logical place, but they would probably have already looked for me there and, when they found it empty, they would assume I wouldn’t return there. They’d probably do a couple of laps past it when their searching allowed, but I could be waiting there for hours.
Then I remembered Dad had been able to get the coroner out quickly, which meant he must have been involved with the local cops. I wondered which angle he was playing, or whether there were some of our special reinforcements in the force. I could head straight for the station and see if they were there, but it was likely I would get myself arrested, depending on what Dad had asked of them.
I headed back in the direction of Evie’s house. It was relatively close to the motel, closer than the warehouse at least. I figured that if my family had any suspicions at all that Evie was still alive they’d have returned to her house and would be scouring the debris in the cold light of day to find any clues that might lead them to her.
When I arrived at the charred remains of the house, the extensive damage hit me hard. The blaze I’d run into a little over twelve hours earlier had completely gutted the interior. The walls had collapsed in on themselves and the whole area was a mess of burned bricks, melted glass, and twisted, unrecognizable items. Fortunately the fire hadn’t spread to the neighbors’ homes, something the Rain would no doubt take credit for.
As I took in the debris, I was stuck with a fresh memory of David’s eyes staring at me from beyond the grave. My stomach twisted with the way I’d left Evie to fend for herself. Despite the painful, empty cavity where my heart should’ve been, I’d done the right thing.
Police tape circled the perimeter, although in places it had pulled loose—or been cut. Ducking beneath the tape, I walked onto the blackened concrete slab. The house seemed smaller without the walls to separate each room.
I stepped around the few waist-high patches of wall that remained standing and headed straight to the room that had once been Evie’s and toed through the ashes, trying to find anything of hers that I might be able to claim.
Everything was gone.
Even the photo frame that had adorned her dresser with a photo from her parents’ past was little more than a warped and misshapen mess of glass and metal. The photo inside was completely destroyed. I picked it up anyway and held it between my hands, thinking of one last task I could do for Evie.
A squad car pulled up as I was moving through the ashes.
“Hey, you!” A uniformed police officer called out to me
as he climbed from his vehicle. He closed the distance between us, no doubt in an attempt to shoo me away or apprehend me. “This is a crime scene.”
I barely cast him a second glance, knowing that if I pretended I was supposed to be there he would start to question himself, not the other way around.
“I said this is a crime scene. You will leave or I will have you arrested.” The way he said it told me he didn’t particularly fancy doing the paperwork.
I shot him another glance, and noticed the pin on his chest. The half-inch, raindrop shaped gold pin declared his duel allegiance. It clarified how Dad had been able to get assistance so fast.
Reaching into my shirt, I lifted my pendant out, relieved that Evie hadn’t insisted that I get rid of it. Times like this, it certainly came in handy. Walking closer to the officer, I held up my chain so he could see the symbol printed on the flat disc. His manner shifted in a heartbeat, and he stared at me with wide-eyes. At least that meant Dad hadn’t instructed him to arrest me on sight.
“Sorry, sir. I had to check, just in case you were a civilian.”
Trying to elicit the confident air that he’d expect—one that a week ago I was used to exuding at all times without conscious thought—I nodded.
“Don’t worry about it. Listen, I was separated from my family during the chase yesterday. Do you know whether they are still in town?”
“I believe they are, sir. Do you want me to contact headquarters and get their current location?”
I shook my head. “That won’t be necessary. I have a few tasks I need to complete first.”
He nodded before looking over his shoulder conspiratorially. “I heard that it was a phoenix you were after,” he whispered the word with awe. “Is that true?”
My brow dipped to indicate my displeasure at being asked that question. Not only did it rip open wounds that hadn’t even started to heal, but it was also highly impertinent for someone of his status to even dare ask about the nature of a Rain operation. “You know I can’t confirm anything like that.”
He backed away from my scowl. “Of course, I apologize.”
Besieged by Rain (Son of Rain #1) Page 12