Fearless

by Annie Jocoby

  I looked down at the floor, ashamed. To think that I was felt like I was turning over a new leaf. Trying to be a better person. Yet, I ended up doing something shitty and, it turns out, unnecessary. And Alaina was right – I was in over my head. I had no idea how Nottingham was going to react when he found out that I didn’t want to see him anymore.

  I had dug myself into a hole, and I knew that I had to keep on seeing Nottingham until Luke got his show. I didn’t know for sure, but Nottingham might do something stupid like pull Luke’s show, if he is really upset with me. After all, it was I who brought the subject of Luke up to him in the first place. He might pull Luke’s show just to spite me.

  If my mom and dad could read my mind, and see that I was going to keep on using Nottingham for the next month or so, they would have blown a gasket.

  “I did it for a good cause,” I said weakly. But, judging by the looks on both my parents’ faces, they were unconvinced, to say the very least.

  “No cause is good when it comes to toying with people’s emotions, Dalilah,” my dad was saying. “And you are right. We did raise you better than this.”

  I looked at my mom, steaming. How dare she put the guilt trip on me, when she left dad when she was pregnant with me and didn’t even tell him until I was like four months old. Once again, I questioned how any of them, including Nick, could have any kind of moral authority.

  Then I calmed down as I thought about the fact that it is their job as parents to try to keep their children from making the same mistakes that they did. They did stupid stuff in their youth, and they no doubt drew the line when I wanted to do similar stupid stuff.

  “So, what am I supposed to do?” I asked them. “I got myself into this. How do I get myself out?”

  “Come clean,” my dad said. “Tell Nottingham the truth, and let the chips fall where they may.”

  “Oh, no. No. That will get Luke’s show pulled for sure. No. There is no way that I’m going to put his future in jeopardy just because I made a huge mistake. And you can’t ask me to do that.”

  My mom just sighed and shook her head. She looked sad. “Well, Dalilah, I suppose it’s a case of inexperience and youth getting in your way. God knows your father and I have made worse mistakes than this when we were your age. So, yeah, there’s nothing that can really be done here. Just please get away from that Nottingham man before he does something to hurt you.”

  I was quiet, not wanting to tell them that I felt that I had to carry out my relationship with Nottingham until Luke had his show. I didn’t want to leave anything to chance. I mean, Nottingham probably wouldn’t pull Luke’s show just because I dumped him, but he might. He might, knowing that I was Luke’s advocate. He seemed unstable that way.

  I desperately wanted to change the subject. “So, dad, what did you really think about Luke’s art work? I know that you’ve had the chance to really look at it on his website.”

  “Very original stuff. He has taken elements of some of the best influences in his genre and put his own spin on it. So, his work is fresh, yet represents the best of the modern impressionistic movement. His show really should be a hit, especially if it is going to center around his paintings on the ballerinas. Those are magnificent.”

  I nodded my head. “I think so, too. I don’t see how his show won’t be a hit.”

  My parents and I, once again, talked into the early morning. They told me about what was going on with their animal rights foundation, and I told them as much about my life was I was willing to share with them. Which meant that I admitted to feeling lonely and isolated, and I also told them how Luke brought me out of that. How he was bringing me back into the living, and had awakened a passion in me for life.

  I didn’t tell them that Luke had also awakened a passion in me for other things, but I didn’t think that it was necessary to tell them that. I hated discussing such intimate matters with my parents.

  My mother kissed me on my forehead. “Dalilah, we’re so happy that you finally found somebody. Especially as somebody as kind and seemingly even-tempered as Luke. He seems to be your artistic and intellectual equal, as well, and I know how important that is to you. So, we’re happy. Don’t do anything to mess it up, though, like continuing to see Nottingham as well.”

  I took a deep breath, not telling her the truth, which was that I was going to continue to sneak around with Nottingham. Just until the show was underway and Luke got his acclaim. Then I would let Nottingham down gently.

  Dumb strategy, but one that I had to see through.

  I was in it, and I had no idea how to get out of it.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Luke and I had turned a corner in our relationship, after he got the gig with Nottingham’s gallery. I came over to his apartment to help him pick out the paintings that he was going to show. He had some of the paintings there, and some were at a storage locker. But we picked out the very best ones, and he delivered it to Nottingham personally.

  We also were hanging out a lot together. I wanted to be with him always, which was a problem, because he worked a lot. So, when he was working at the bar, I stayed home and painted. I was getting better, and starting to like my work again. I still wasn’t ready to show it to the world, or even to Luke, but just creating in and of itself was making me feel so much better about everything.

  Of course, I was also doing my nude modeling gigs for other artists, because I had to eat. Nottingham was paying me $1000 a week to pose for Luke, though, so that helped. He clarified that for me the first week – that the $1000 sitting fee was a weekly one. So, I didn’t have to take nearly as many side jobs, and I quit the job at the school altogether. That was only paying $25 an hour, which wasn’t worth it anymore.

  But, Luke and I hung out as much as we could. Generally, he came to my apartment and we got take-out and continued our card games. Which would end up in make-out sessions, inevitably. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, no matter how much we tried.

  I snuck out with Nottingham once a week as well, usually when Luke was working. Nottingham and I did stuffy things like going to his fancy rich dude’s club, and things like that, while Luke and I went bowling, played cards, went to the Shake Shack and Joey’s Diner, and I smoked him at the pool hall more than once.

  “You’re a shark, Dalilah,” Luke complained as I sunk the fourth ball in a row. I was on my way to running the table. I couldn’t help it. I was a genius, so I saw the geometric patterns that I needed to hit the balls in just the right places. And I was just too competitive in pool to possibly try to let Luke win.

  But Luke was gracious about my pool skills, as he was about everything else. “Aw, you beat me here at the pool hall. Let’s see how you do with b-ball down at the court tomorrow. I think I’ll school you there.”

  And, indeed he did. I was good on the basketball court, but Luke was phenomenal, sinking basket after basket. He played good defense, too. He took no prisoners, which I appreciated, and he didn’t let up, either. He ended up schooling me, 20-10, but getting 10 points on him was pretty damned good, considering how good his defense was.

  He smiled his crooked smile as he did a little dance around the court. “I schooled you, I schooled you, I schooled you. I.schooled.you,” he said, pointing to me.

  So, I tackled him down to the ground, and the two of us wrestled on the playground, laughing. He kissed me, and got on top of me, but we stopped when a bunch of little kids came onto the court, ball in hand, and said “get a room. We need the court.”

  Which was just as well, as it started to lightly snow again. Luke and I got on the bus and headed to his apartment.

  He made me some hot chocolate, and we sat on the floor, our backs to his futon. “Love this hot chocolate recipe,” he said. “The secret is chili pepper and cardamom. Interesting, huh? Wakes up your taste buds.”

  “That it does,” I said. I took some of the whipped cream off the top of the cup of cocoa and put it on his nose. He smiled as he rubbed his nose on my nose, a
nd then he licked the whipped cream off of it.

  “Mmmm, you taste good,” he said. “I wonder why?”

  I started laughing. “Of course I taste good. I have whipped cream on my nose, dummy!”

  He kissed my lips and bit my upper lip lightly. “No, I’m pretty sure that it’s just you that tastes good. Not the whipped cream. Too sweet for my taste.”

  “Oh,” I whispered. “You want a piece of this?” I asked, putting my wrist up to his mouth. He started sucking on it hungrily. Then he put his lips to my neck, and started kissing my neck and clavicle.

  I put my arms around his lean frame and pulled him down on top of me on the floor. I spread my legs underneath him, and he put one of his legs in between mine. He put his elbows on either side of my head, and he hovered above me. He kissed my forehead and I sighed.

  God, I wanted this. I wanted this more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life. He was such an amazing kisser, and he felt so incredibly warm on top of me. Which was a good thing, because the heat was on low, and the night air outside was starting to dip. I looked out the window briefly, and snow was really starting to fall.

  I thought about how glorious it would be to be stranded right there in that apartment with Luke. With nothing for us to do but explore each other’s bodies languidly and slowly.

  He was still on top of me, so I unbuttoned the top part of his jeans. As I unzipped them, he started breathing heavily, and kissed me again, full on the lips. I rubbed his penis, which was still behind his underwear, and he groaned lightly.

  “Please, do it, Dalilah. Oh, my god. You don’t know how much I want this. You have no idea.”

  “I think that I know,” I said. “Because I want this just as much.”

  At that, I brought his jeans down completely, and his underwear, and I started to stroke him up and down. He had a very nice dick. Large, but not overly so. It seemed perfect for me.

  He was still partially clothed, at least his torso was. He was wearing his t-shirt, and he took it off so that he was completely naked. He then sat down on the floor, his back against the couch. He looked so perfect, just like I knew that he would. Long, lean, with perfectly sculpted muscles on his pecs and abs.

  I put my hands on his sculpted chest, and rubbed it while I kissed him on his lips. He put his hands in my hair, and then started to kiss my neck. “Oh, Dalilah,” he said. “Can I please take off your top?”

  I nodded my head wordlessly, and he slowly took off my t-shirt. I unhooked my bra and let it fall to the floor. Then I unzipped my own jeans and took them off, along with my socks and shoes.

  Breathing heavily, I laid down on the blanket that was on the floor, and he hovered above me. Then he laid on top of me, and started kissing my breasts. Between my legs, I could feel his hard-on, just at the edge of my opening. He also started to kiss my neck, and he lightly started stroking my breasts with his hands. He was so gentle, and I could feel the goosebumps forming on my skin. My entire body was flushing and feeling warm, and I could feel my nipples harden as he lightly bit and sucked each one.

  He fingered my vagina lightly, and I started to groan as I felt his fingers inside of me swirling. He kissed me from my navel and ended up tonguing me lightly between my legs. The pleasurable sensation that had begun in my body was starting to burst, and, out of the blue, I could feel every part of my body just start to feel as if it was on fire.

  I couldn’t believe what I was feeling as Luke was slowly sucking and licking inside of me. This was unlike any feeling that I ever had before. I started to squirm, because the feeling was so strong and so pleasurable.

  Then he was back to kissing my lips passionately. I wanted him inside of me so badly. I had never wanted anything so much in my entire life.

  “Luke, please, please, please. Please make love to me,” I said.

  So, he entered me slowly. I immediately started crying out, because, if what I was feeling before when he was tonguing my clit was powerful, this feeling was out of this world. He was filling me up, slowly and sensually, and it was almost torture to feel how strong the pleasurable sensation really was.

  He kissed my lips again as he slowly and surely stroked himself in and out, in and out. I put my hands on his strong back, and pulled a little bit on his hair. And then I got on my side, and he entered me from behind. This brought me to orgasm once more. He was behind me, his hands on my breasts. He moved his hands down more towards my waist, and I turned my head and he devoured my lips with his.

  I could hear his heart pounding in my ears, and I could feel my heart pounding along with the beat of his. It felt like my entire body was pulsating wildly with every thrust. He started to pick up speed, and then I could feel him pulsating inside of me. He groaned mightily, and then, with both of us breathing heavily, and his body wrapped around mine, he pulled out.

  For a few minutes, the two of us just laid there on the blanket, not really knowing what to say for once. He took a tendril of my hair, and whisked it away from my face, and kissed my forehead lightly. “Oh, Dalilah, you just don’t know what you do to me.”

  “How could I not know? Because you do the same to me.”

  He stroked my cheek, and kissed me again. “I just feel like I’m dreaming. You are the woman that has been my muse for this long, and I never thought that it was possible that we could be together. But we are. We are, and we will be. I just know that I can give you the moon, the stars and the world, Dalilah. Everything in the universe, I can give that to you. I know that now, and it feels amazing.”

  “It does, Luke, it does feel amazing. I know, too, that you can give me everything that you feel that I need. But I could never convince you that I really don’t need anything but you. Only you. We could live on the streets together like Freddy, and I would be just as happy, as long as I’m with you.”

  “I wish that I knew that you meant that,” he said. “At any rate, it doesn’t matter, because, with this showing, I’ll literally be on my way. On my way, Dalilah, to being able to give you all that you could ever want or need.”

  At that, he kissed me again, and I could feel him growing once more. I spread my legs open again, and he was, once again, thrusting inside of me. This time he was a little more urgent, just a tad more rough. I came to yet another orgasm, and so did he.

  We sat up and drank our hot cocoa some more, although, by then, it was just cocoa. It wasn’t hot at all. I could taste the spices much better at that point. It reminded me of Luke, really – sweet, but also spicy. I really enjoyed drinking it, almost as much as I enjoyed drinking in Luke. His essence had become a part of me.

  As the snow fell outside, Luke and I kept each other warm for the rest of the night. We couldn’t get enough of each other, as we made love for the rest of the night in a slow and deliberate fashion.

  The next day, I reluctantly left Luke’s apartment, because he had to be at work, and I was greeted to around six inches of snow on the sidewalk, it occurred to me that life was finally at its pinnacle. After my slow decline during my years when I had such mental blocks, combined with my depression, I thought that life was never going to be good again.

  Now, after having spent the night of my life with the man of my dreams, life suddenly seemed to be not just colorful, but on fire. When I got back to my apartment, I immediately took to my canvas and painted something that, when I finished it six hours later, I knew was good. There wasn’t any doubt in my mind this time. It came from my heart, it came from my passion, and it was inspired by Luke himself.

  I was finally back.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  For the next few weeks, I continued to play my increasingly dangerous game. I felt that I had to keep Nottingham satisfied, just enough that he wouldn’t throw a tantrum and pull Luke’s show. I was so paranoid about that happening, and I had to prevent that by any means possible. So, I continued to see Nottingham a few times a week. I never brought up Luke to him, ever, because the last thing that I wanted was for Nottingham to be suspiciou
s.

  But Luke and I had finally gotten to the point where we were in a real, honest to god, relationship. I started to spend more and more of my time at his apartment, because that was easier for us, as he was working a lot. That way, I could hang out at his place while he was working, and I could spend much more time with him. While he pulled his shifts, I hung out in his place and painted and read and just generally was productive. My work was getting better and better, I knew that. Luke was also very impressed with the stuff that I was composing while he was downstairs tending bar.

  “Wow, Dalilah, you really got your voice back,” he said, as he admired one of my paintings that was an absolutely riotous mélange of colors and shapes. It was a cityscape and a subway, but this was hidden in the geometric shapes that surrounded these forms. “I’m so impressed with you. I guess it’s like a bicycle, huh? It never leaves you.”

  “Well, it helps that I’m so inspired these days. Inspired by you.”

  “Nah, you’re just inspired because you’re getting properly laid,” he said with a wink. “Speaking of which….”

  I shook my head. “Uh, uh, uh,” I said, shaking my finger at him. “Not now. We have to eat. I have some wonderful gourmet spaghetti and meatballs cooking, and it will be cold if we get to our usual marathon sex sessions.”

  But, of course, while I stood behind his ancient stove, wearing nothing but one of his button-downs and socks, Luke came up to me and put his hands on my breasts. He kissed the back of my neck, and then put me up on the counter behind us. He kissed me passionately, and fingered me, and then brought down his pants and thrust into me while I sat on the counter with my legs wrapped around him. I didn’t even think about the sanitary nature of what we were doing on his counter. He felt so fucking amazing, all I could think about was the powerful orgasm that I was feeling as he thrust in and out of me while I sat on the counter.