Baby, It's Christmas & Hold Me, Cowboy

by Susan Mallery

  “Right.”

  They both sounded hoarse, their voices thick with passion.

  “You’re amazing,” he told her. “I want you so much.”

  “And I want you.”

  But he was right. There were four children in the house. They were supposed to be babysitting. Regardless of how turned on she felt now, Kelly knew that she wouldn’t be comfortable if they took things any further. She was glad they’d stopped. Really. Except every part of her ached for Tanner. How had things gotten so hot so fast? The man could set her aflame with a look.

  She reached behind her and refastened her bra, then straightened her sweatshirt. “Thanks,” she whispered.

  “Oh, it was my pleasure. And I mean that.” Tanner studied her.

  “What?” she asked. “Why are you staring?”

  “I’m trying to learn your secrets.”

  She frowned. As far as she knew, she didn’t have many. “What secrets?”

  “I want to know why you aren’t married.” He reached up and touched her face. “Don’t even think about giving me the ‘I’ve been so busy’ line. We both know it’s more than that.”

  What was she supposed to say? Kelly didn’t have an answer. She opened her mouth, then closed it and shrugged.

  “Not good enough, Dr. Hall. You’re an amazing woman. Bright, beautiful, sexy as hell. If you’d kept rubbing against me like that, I would have embarrassed us both.”

  She smiled. “I wouldn’t have been embarrassed.”

  “It would have done me in.” He paused.

  She knew he was waiting for an answer. “I’m not hiding anything, Tanner. I’m as confused as you are. I think it’s a combination of things. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I think it’s my past and fear and maybe circumstances. I’m not sure. What’s your excuse?”

  She expected him to make some flippant response. Instead he said, “I’m a screwup. Look at what happened when I went to college.”

  She took his hand and led him to the top of the stairs, where they both sat. Their shoulders brushed against each other. “I don’t believe that,” she said. “It took you a little while to get it all together. So what? Some people aren’t ready for college at eighteen. They need to figure a few things out first.”

  “Maybe. I guess I’m something of a late bloomer. It takes me a while to get it together.”

  “Now you have Lia.”

  “Yeah. A child.”

  But no wife.

  Neither of them spoke the phrase, but Kelly suspected they were both thinking the same thing. Was he ready now? If so, where did that leave her? Did she care? Did she want to care?

  “I think we’re both in a transition stage in our lives,” she said carefully. “That’s not a healthy time to get involved in anything...” She paused. “You know, personal.”

  He turned toward her. “Is that your professional opinion?”

  “I’m not a psychiatrist. But it is my opinion, professional or otherwise.”

  “I see.” He tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. “And if I were to kiss you again right now?”

  Instantly her body went up in flames. It took every ounce of strength she had to keep from swaying toward him. “I’m not sure I could resist.”

  He smiled. “Thanks for telling me that.” He leaned close and brushed a kiss across her mouth. “Go to bed, Dr. Kelly Hall. Go right now or I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

  She hesitated. What did she want? Was it Tanner? Or did she want the safety of her boring, impersonal life? Then she glanced around at the unfamiliar house and realized that regardless of what she wanted, she couldn’t forget where they were.

  “Good night,” she said regretfully as she rose to her feet.

  He didn’t say anything. He just watched her walk toward the guest room. She had a feeling it was going to be a long time before either of them slept.

  * * *

  The cacophony of the shopping mall blended perfectly with the sound of shrieking, screaming children. Kelly glanced around at the madness that was the line to visit Santa Claus at the Honeygrove Central Mall and was incredibly grateful she wasn’t prone to headaches. She looked at the child in her arms, but Lia slept on, apparently unaware of the frenzy around her.

  Lia’s young cousins, on the other hand, were taking it all in with wide eyes and lots of fidgeting. Nine-year-old Drew spoke with the voice of experience as he advised his younger siblings about appropriate behavior.

  “Don’t tell Santa a whole big list of things. Just pick one thing that you really, really, really want.”

  “I want a magic wand,” Lisbeth said. “So then I can make anything else I want. And do good deeds,” she quickly added.

  “You’re not supposed to tell!” Griffin shouted. “Now your wish won’t come true.”

  Before Lisbeth could begin to cry, Tanner stepped in to assure her that the no-tell policy applied only to birthday wishes and not to Santa Claus. His gaze met Kelly’s over Lisbeth’s head, and they shared a smile.

  It was Sunday. They’d impulsively decided to surprise the kids with a trip to visit Santa, followed by lunch at Pizza Pete’s. She was pretty sure the real reason behind the outing was that Tanner wanted to get a picture of his daughter with Santa Claus. He had dressed her in a red-and-white-striped onesie that he’d brought with him to Ryan and Patricia’s.

  They were surrounded by children, and Kelly loved it.

  A familiar ache filled her. So many questions. Had she made the right choice with her daughter and had she made the right choice with her career? Not that it mattered. It was too late to change either decision.

  Wasn’t it?

  The line progressed, and soon it was their turn. Drew, Lisbeth and Griffin played an adorable game of rock, paper, scissors to decide the order in which they’d sit on Santa’s lap. Tanner made sure each kid got a picture alone; then they did a group shot with Ryan and Patricia’s three.

  Then Santa reached toward Kelly to take the sleeping baby.

  Tanner stepped forward. “You have to support her head and neck.”

  “I will, Papa. Don’t worry.” Santa ably took Lia into his arms. “Aren’t you a little angel?”

  Lia looked tiny against the big man’s chest. He was a good Santa, one of the best Kelly had ever seen. His beard looked real and was as white as new-fallen snow. Instead of leaning against the back of the chair, Santa turned sideways, propped his legs over one arm of the chair and reclined against the other. With Lia’s head nestled against his chest, he pretended to be asleep.

  All around them, people pulled phones out of purses and pockets to take a picture of the baby and Santa, dreaming sweet dreams together. The mall photographer knelt to get a close-up.

  “I’m getting that one framed,” Tanner said softly into Kelly’s ear.

  “I want a copy, too,” she replied.

  “That’s my baby cousin,” Griffin called out to no one in particular.

  * * *

  “You hit me fifteen times,” Lisbeth complained as she studied her score sheet from laser tag at Pizza Pete’s.

  Tanner looked sheepish. “You’re an easy target, kid. What can I say? I hit Drew a bunch, too.”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t hit either of you once,” Lisbeth said. “Santa’s going to put you on the naughty list.”

  “You didn’t hit anyone,” Drew pointed out. “But don’t worry. You’ll do better next time.”

  “He’s right,” Tanner said, pulling the little girl close. “Besides, you’re prettier than both of us.”

  “And smarter,” she insisted.

  Tanner laughed. “Maybe.”

  As Kelly watched him, she couldn’t help remembering her own past. Her father had been wonderful with her. He’d ex
pected a high standard of behavior, but no matter what, she’d always felt he loved her. As she cradled Lia close, she knew that Tanner was going to be the same kind of father. Gentle, kind, yet always teaching and showing by example.

  “How are you holding up?” Tanner asked.

  “Fine.” She motioned to Lia. “She’s wet, so I thought I’d go change her. I’d make you do it, but I doubt there’s a changing station in the men’s restroom.”

  “Saved by inequality,” Tanner teased. “Thanks for taking care of her while I was with the other kids.”

  “It’s hardly difficult. I adore her.”

  “Me, too.”

  Their gazes locked, and she knew they were both thinking about what had happened last night. And what had not happened. The kiss had come close to leading to something else. Something neither of them was ready for. But had it become inevitable? A shiver rippled through her.

  She turned and made her way toward the restrooms at the rear of the restaurant. As she moved through the crowd, she heard a man yelling at his daughter. Kelly held Lia close, grateful this little girl wasn’t going to have to deal with a difficult parent. She would always be loved, as Kelly had been loved...right up until she got pregnant. That was the one thing her father couldn’t forgive. Was that why she couldn’t forgive herself?

  She reached the restroom. The door pushed open, and three teenage girls stepped out. They were talking and laughing and didn’t even notice her. But she studied them, wondering if any of the three looked like her daughter. Annie Jane was a teenager. Practically a young woman.

  Then, as she’d done a thousand times in the past, she pushed away the aching inside of her and focused on the task at hand. She’d lost the right to worry about her daughter the day she’d made the decision to give her away.

  * * *

  Two open boxes of pizza covered the wooden picnic table. “But I wanted soda,” Drew said.

  “Thanks for the info, but we agreed on milk,” Kelly told him mildly.

  “You agreed. I wanted soda.”

  Kelly stared at the nine-year-old. “Drew, if you’re going to be difficult, I want to take this discussion outside.”

  Tanner waited, breath held; then his nephew nodded once. “Sorry, Kelly. Milk is fine.”

  “Good.” She set a glass in front of him.

  The mini-drama was like a dozen others that had been played out today. Pizza Pete’s was a lot of fun, but it also stressed out the kids and the adults. Still, as Tanner glanced around the crowded table, he knew there wasn’t anywhere else he would rather be. He had his daughter in his arms, his family nearby, good company, halfway decent food. Life didn’t get much better than this.

  “Do you like my hair, Uncle Tanner?” Lisbeth asked. She spun her head back and forth to show off the ribbons she’d won earlier. Kelly had braided them into her hair.

  “You look lovely,” he said. “I think you’re the prettiest little girl here.”

  Lisbeth giggled and blushed. Then Griffin knocked over his milk.

  Kelly started to stand up, but Tanner motioned her to stay seated. “My turn,” he said. He shifted Lia to his left arm, then climbed out from the picnic table and headed for the counter. There he ordered another milk and grabbed a fistful of napkins.

  “Isn’t she a beauty,” a woman said.

  Tanner saw a petite blonde smiling at Lia. She turned her attention to Tanner. “Yours?”

  “Yup.”

  He took the milk and pocketed his change. Unfortunately the woman didn’t seem inclined to let him slip by. She stood firmly in his way.

  “Does she look like your wife?” the woman asked.

  “I’m not married.”

  “Oh.”

  There was a wealth of meaning in that single word. At one time in his life, Tanner might have been willing to take the woman up on her offer. After all, she was around his age, pretty enough and willing. For a while, that had been all he’d needed. But not anymore.

  The woman sighed. “So you’re a single dad. You’re doing a great job.” She pointed to a collection of boys by a martial arts video game. “Two of those are mine. It’s their dad’s weekend, but the jerk flakes out on a regular basis.”

  “That’s too bad.” Tanner inched past her. “If you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my family.”

  He pointed toward the picnic table, and she glanced in that direction. Her welcoming expression faded. “Oh. Is she yours?”

  He assumed she was speaking about Kelly, not Lisbeth. “Yes.”

  “I see. Fine.” She spun on her heel and left.

  Tanner made his way to the table and took his seat. He dropped the extra napkins onto the puddle of milk and handed Griffin a new carton.

  As Griffin took it, he wrinkled his nose. “Sorry, Uncle Tanner. I’ll be more careful now.”

  “I’m sure you will be.”

  “I knew I was right,” Kelly said as he settled next to her. “But I never thought to have it proven to me.”

  “What?” he asked, even though he knew exactly what she was talking about.

  She pointed to the sleeping baby in his arms. “Lia is a chick magnet.”

  He frowned. “Do you really think I care about that?”

  “I’m not sure. Now that you have a child, the next most obvious step is to get involved with a woman.”

  Tanner didn’t understand. Was Kelly suggesting that he ask that woman out? How could he? She might be perfectly nice, but last night Kelly had been the one he’d been holding and the one he’d wanted to make love with.

  He glanced at the woman sitting across from him. He had a thing for Kelly. At one time the information might have bothered him but not anymore.

  “No,” he said simply.

  A wash of red colored Kelly’s cheeks. She busied herself by consolidating the leftover pizza slices into one box. “Lisbeth, want to hear something exciting? I’m going to give Tanner a baby shower. Actually the shower is for Lia, but you know what I mean. We’re going to make it a Christmas party, too. Won’t that be fun?”

  “Can I come?” Lisbeth asked, then smiled wide-eyed at Tanner when Kelly said yes.

  He had to smile back. As change of subjects went, it wasn’t very subtle on Kelly’s part. So she was a little flustered, was she? Good. Let her stay that way.

  Kelly and Lisbeth continued to talk about the shower. Drew asked to be excused to go play with his friends. Griffin ate with enough energy to smear pizza sauce past his elbows and ears. It was loud and messy, and for the first time in his life, Tanner felt as if he’d found a place to belong.

  Chapter 12

  Late Sunday night Tanner paced through his house. Patricia and Ryan had arrived home a few hours before, looking in love and blissfully happy. He and Kelly had left together, but they’d parted ways. Now he wished he’d taken her up on her offer to come over to help him with Lia. Not that he needed help with his daughter—she was currently sleeping peacefully in her crib—but because he wanted to spend time with Kelly.

  He couldn’t stop thinking about her. About how she’d looked all weekend with the kids. She’d been fun, funny, patient and infinitely beautiful...even with icing smudged on her cheek. He also couldn’t stop thinking about that incredible kiss they’d shared. It had been passionate and intense and dangerous. Dangerous because he knew better than to get involved.

  He didn’t want or need the complication. He didn’t want to risk caring and losing again. At one time he’d lost everything important in his life. His parents, his brother when they were put into different foster homes and his scholarship, although that was more his fault than anyone else’s. But the point was that he didn’t have a lot of good luck when it came to things lasting. A long time ago he’d learned that if he didn’t care, he couldn’t get hurt.

/>   Unfortunately...or maybe fortunately...he found himself on the verge of getting involved. With Kelly.

  The smart thing would be to walk way, he told himself. He didn’t need her or the complications a relationship would bring. They were both busy people moving in different directions. They didn’t want the same things. So it was better to stay friends, nothing more. He would start pulling back right away.

  But first he was going to call her.

  Telling himself he was ten kinds of fool, Tanner walked down the stairs and picked up his phone. He tapped Kelly’s name in his favorites, then listened to the phone ring.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi. It’s Tanner.” He paused. Now what? “I don’t have an excuse for calling,” he said. “I just want to see you. Naked.” That last bit had dropped out of his mouth without warning, but it was too late to take it back. Besides, it was the truth.

  He heard her breath catch, then a long silence. “Talk about coming right to the point,” she murmured, sounding slightly stunned.

  Disappointment overwhelmed him. He could practically see her frantically trying to come up with a way to let him down gently. Keep it light, he told himself. Don’t let ’em see you sweat. “Hey, don’t worry about it,” he told her. “You can say no and we’ll still be friends.”

  “Thanks for telling me that. I’m just not sure I want to, um, say no.” She cleared her throat. “The thing is I’m not the trashy-lingerie type.”

  Desire, need, elation, all of it slammed into his gut. Was she really saying yes? “I can honestly say that I wouldn’t care if you wore a snowmobile suit. I’m a lot more concerned with what’s underneath.”

  “Yes, well, okay. Tanner?”

  He gripped the phone more tightly. “Yeah?”

  “What are we doing?”

  “Hell if I know. And before you scold me, Lia’s upstairs. She didn’t hear me swear.”

  She laughed softly, then sighed. “You know this is crazy. I mean, it’s a bad time for us, emotionally. You’re dealing with Lia and all the changes she represents. I’m just barely beginning to understand that there are some issues from my past that I’m going to have to come to terms with.”