Baby, It's Christmas & Hold Me, Cowboy

by Susan Mallery

  “I know she makes you crazy, but you can’t get rid of her. She’s the only one who understands the filing system.”

  “Exactly. So what’s on your agenda for Christmas?”

  She appreciated that he asked questions rather than assuming a surprise call meant trouble. Her father had always thought the best of her, she reminded herself. He’d always been there for her. Which made the reason for her phone call more difficult.

  “I have to ask you something,” she said slowly, holding on to the receiver and closing her eyes. She pictured her father, in his shirtsleeves, sitting behind his large desk. “It’s about when I was in high school.” She cleared her throat. “More specifically, when I got pregnant.”

  “All right. What would you like to talk about?”

  She drew in a deep breath. Her eyes began to burn, but she refused to cry. “I never wanted to disappoint you,” she whispered. “I knew what you expected of me, and I wanted to do that, but things got out of hand. It was just the one time.”

  She heard him sigh. “I can’t decide if I should tease you about it only taking one time, or if I should remind you that I love you. I always loved you. And I don’t mean that with a silent ‘even while you were pregnant’ at the end of that sentence. I think I loved you most then because you’re my daughter and you were in pain. I suffered with you. In a different way, perhaps, but no less profoundly.”

  “Then why did the light go out of your eyes?” she asked. “Until then, whenever you looked at me, I could see this wonderful light shining from your eyes. I knew that I was the center of your world. But when I told you, the light died. It’s never come back.”

  “Oh, Kelly, I wish you were here instead of several thousand miles away.”

  She gave a soft laugh that was half a sob, as well. “So you could beat me?”

  He chuckled. Daniel Hall had never once spanked her. The threat of a beating was a private joke between them. “Maybe,” he teased, then grew serious. “I’ll admit that I was shocked to find out about your pregnancy and a little chagrined. After all, you were the pastor’s daughter. But that was more about me than you. I thought I knew where you were all the time and what you were doing. It was startling to realize you’d grown up so much. Somewhere along the way my little girl had turned into a beautiful woman, and I hadn’t noticed. Probably because I didn’t want to see. Once you grew up, you would go away, and I didn’t think I could bear that.”

  Two tears escaped her tightly closed eyelids. Kelly groped for the box of tissues on her desk. She wiped her face and sniffed. “I’m sorry, Daddy.”

  “No. Don’t you dare be sorry. I’m proud of you, Kelly. Not because you’re a doctor, but because of who you are. You’re the best daughter ever. Nothing changed for me. The light didn’t go out of my eyes—it went out of you. And when it died inside, you couldn’t see it in me anymore.”

  Her eyes popped open. Kelly stared unseeingly at the wall across the room. “What?”

  “It’s true. I’ve wanted to say something for years now, but it never seemed like the right time. I’ve watched you punish yourself over and over for something that was never your fault. You were seventeen when you got pregnant and barely eighteen when the baby was born. You had a wonderful dream of being a doctor, and the brains and opportunity to make that happen. Yes, you gave your child up for adoption. Is that so horrible?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’ve spoken with Annie Jane’s grandparents just as you have, Kelly. Their daughter was desperate to have a baby. In many ways, you saved Sara. Did it ever occur to you that was the reason you got pregnant? Did you ever stop to think about the gift you gave that family? You can have more children if you choose, but Sara couldn’t have any. Every life touched by that child has been blessed. Even yours.”

  His words swirled around in her head. She’d never thought of her circumstances this way before.

  “You are a gifted healer,” he continued. “You’ve always said that you could have made it if you’d kept the baby. And I’m sure you would have. You’re smart and determined. But what would you have done with your life? Would you have gone to medical school?”

  “I don’t know,” Kelly admitted. “It would have taken so long just to get through college, what with working full time, taking care of a child and taking classes.”

  “You made a choice. You weren’t selfish, and you weren’t bad—you just made a choice. You gave your daughter to a warm, loving family. There is no evil in that decision. Let it go, Kelly. Forgive yourself. You have been blessed. Stop turning your back on those blessings. Be grateful and move on.”

  Tears flowed down her cheeks, but they weren’t painful or sorrowful; instead they healed her. She felt the empty spots in her heart filling with love and compassion. She felt her spirit lighten, perhaps for the first time since her baby had been born.

  “You’re right,” she said simply. “Why didn’t I see it before?”

  “Because you weren’t ready. You had to take the journey to get to your current destination. I love you, and I’m proud of you.”

  Even across half a continent, she felt the warmth of her father’s love. It was as if he was with her, holding her close, just as he had when she’d been young. “I love you, too, Daddy.”

  He was right. The light had always been in his eyes. But she’d been too ashamed to see it shining there. She’d spent years beating herself up for something that deserved to be forgiven a long time ago. If she’d been blind to her father’s love for all this time, what else was she having trouble seeing?

  * * *

  “Hi,” Kelly said as she walked into Corina’s room late that afternoon. “How are you feeling?”

  The teenager smiled wanly. “Better. I slept most of the day.”

  “The nurses gave you high marks for cooperating,” Kelly told her, then pulled up a chair. She would check vital signs in a minute; first she owed her patient an apology.

  “Thank you for saving my life,” Corina said before Kelly could start talking. “I know it got bad.”

  Kelly touched the teenager’s hand. “I’m glad I was here for you this time, Corina. Because I know I wasn’t the last time I saw you, and I’m sorry about that.”

  Corina raised her bed a few inches. Her braided dark hair spread out on her pillow. Her big eyes widened slightly. “You got called to the hospital. It was an emergency.”

  Kelly shook her head. “You’re letting me off the hook, and it’s not necessary. Yes, I was called and I had to go then, but you needed to talk. I should have made time later.” She squeezed the girl’s fingers, then released her hand.

  “The reasons are complicated,” Kelly said slowly, meeting her gaze. “Your situation reminded me too much of something that had happened in my life. Something that I was afraid to face. I got uncomfortable, and it seemed so much easier to hide. So that’s what I did.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I know. So I’m going to explain.” Kelly quickly recounted the events of her own senior year in high school.

  Corina stared in shock. “You gave up a baby for adoption when you were my age?”

  “Yes. A little girl. Her name is Annie Jane, and she’s a teenager, a little younger than you. I’ve kept in touch with her family through her grandparents. For a long time I thought I’d been selfish in giving up my daughter. I thought if I just tried hard enough it wouldn’t have been difficult for me to make it work. But I was wrong. I had an opportunity to do something with my life. Something that would make a difference. Something that I desperately wanted. I’m not saying that giving up Annie Jane was easy. I will have to live with the consequences of that decision for the rest of my life. But I don’t regret the decision. Knowing what I know now, I would do it all again.”

  Corina’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t change anything?�
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  “Well, I’d forgive myself a little sooner. But aside from that, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

  Kelly drew in a deep breath and probed her heart. The sense of peace filling her told her that she spoke the absolute truth. She wouldn’t change a thing about her life. Knowing what she knew now, she would even still have become an OB-GYN, because that was where her talent lay. Her need to be around children would be filled by having a half-dozen kids of her own.

  “You have to do what’s right for you,” Kelly told the teenager. “The other girls in the neighborhood aren’t going to live your life. They don’t have your scholarship or your drive. Think long and hard before you turn your back on that opportunity. What do you really want for yourself and your child?”

  Corina began to cry. Kelly rose and hugged the girl. “It’s okay. You don’t have to decide now.”

  “I feel so guilty,” Corina said. “But I want to go to college. I spoke to the adoption lady a couple of days ago. She says that there are lots of really great families who want my baby. She’ll help me pick the best one.” Corina raised her head. Tears spilled out of her eyes. “Am I doing the right thing? Am I being selfish?”

  “Not for one second. You are making a tough choice, but it’s the right choice for you. I believe in you. If you want, I’ll be with you when you choose the family. And I want to stay in touch while you’re in college.”

  She brushed away the teenager’s tears. “I even want to help financially. I’ll cover whatever expenses the scholarship doesn’t. In return, you’re going to have to bust your butt to maintain your grades. The only thing I want from you is two promises. The first is that you’ll always do your best, and the second is that you’ll forgive yourself, and, instead of feeling guilty, that you’ll spend your time counting your blessings.”

  Corina hugged her hard. “I promise,” she whispered. “Thank you, Dr. Kelly. Thank you for everything.”

  “No problem.”

  Forty minutes later Kelly left a much-relieved Corina watching a morning talk show. The teenager would have to stay in the hospital for another night; then she would be moving into Kelly’s tiny apartment. Corina never wanted to go back to her tenement neighborhood again. Life would be complicated until August, when Corina left for college, but Kelly knew they would figure it out.

  She stopped in her tracks. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, and she couldn’t let Corina come home to her sterile apartment. For the first time in her adult life, Kelly was going to decorate for Christmas. And not just because of Corina, but because she deserved to have a home that truly felt like a home, too. She was worth it.

  She felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders. She was filled with a sense of calm and completeness she’d never experienced before, and her first thought was to share it all with Tanner.

  She paused in the hallway. Who would have thought that Tanner could have become a part of her life so very quickly? Less than two months ago she’d barely known the man existed—and what she did know she didn’t like. Now she couldn’t imagine her life without him. If she’d ever made a list of what she was looking for, Tanner would be everything she’d ever wanted.

  She loved him.

  Kelly didn’t know when that had first happened, but it was true now. She hadn’t just bonded with Lia; she’d also bonded with Tanner. The time they’d spent together, the confessions they’d shared, the lovemaking had bound her to him with a connection that was strong enough to last a lifetime. She wanted to be with him always. She wanted to make a home with him, have children with him, grow old with him.

  A quick glance at her watch told her that he should be getting home right about now. With his daughter. Little Lia. She loved Lia, too. Should she go to him and tell him all that she’d learned, or should she wait? Then she reminded herself that she’d waited long enough already. She’d wasted years waiting to be good enough, when the answer had been inside her all along. She was done waiting. It was time to act. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, and she didn’t want to spend one more Christmas on the outside, looking in. She wanted to belong.

  * * *

  Kelly threw her car into Park behind Tanner’s truck in his driveway and raced toward the house. It had started snowing again, blanketing the world in white. As she breathed, the cold air felt like it was cleansing her from the inside.

  Without knocking, she opened the front door. “Hello?” she called softly.

  There was no response, but she heard a small sound from upstairs. She jogged up the steps and into the nursery.

  Tanner didn’t see her at first. He had just laid Lia into the crib, and he was leaning over to kiss the top of her head. His heart had such capacity for love, Kelly thought. Could he fit her in, too? She removed her hat and smoothed down her hair. Now that she was here, she wasn’t so sure what to say.

  “Hi,” he said when he spotted her. “I didn’t hear you come in. How are you feeling?”

  “Tired.” She grinned. Despite her physical and emotional exhaustion the night before, when she and Tanner had finally returned to his place and put Lia back to bed, all she’d wanted was to make love. She’d needed to feel him next to her, on top of her, filling her and making her whole. Now she recognized that she’d needed to express her love, but at the time she’d only known that she needed to fill the yawning emptiness inside.

  He stretched. “Me, too. But in a good way. You can keep me awake for that any time you’d like.”

  She stared at him, at his familiar handsome face, at his blue eyes and his strong body. “I have to tell you something,” she said. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I spoke with my father this morning and with Corina just a few minutes ago. I finally realized I’ve been punishing myself for years. I’ve been living half a life because I didn’t feel that I deserved more. I’ve been so worried about my past that I forgot to think about my future.” She stood a little straighter.

  “But all that’s behind me now. I’ve come to understand that if I can forgive other women for the difficult choices they made, I can also forgive myself. I did the best I could at the time. I’ve gone on to have a successful life doing something that I love. Equally important, my daughter is a happy, healthy, well-adjusted young woman. In time she may want to meet me, or she may decide against that. Either choice is hers. I have promised myself to be as understanding of her as my father was of me.”

  Tanner stared at her. “You have been working through a lot.”

  She nodded. “I’m done punishing myself. I’ve decided to go after what I want.”

  He didn’t move, but she sensed his withdrawal from the conversation as surely as if he’d stepped out of the room. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I’m happy for you.” His words sounded sincere, but the bleak expression in his eyes didn’t change. “It’s just that I’m going to miss you. I’ve gotten used to having you around. I didn’t think we had anything permanent, but I also hadn’t figured on you leaving just yet.”

  Kelly told herself not to jump to conclusions. Just as she had issues from her past to come to terms with, Tanner had the same. She took a calming breath before speaking.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Tanner. I’m willing to give you as much time as you need to learn to trust me.”

  “Oh, I do trust you. You’ve been a great help to Lia and me.” He leaned forward and captured her hands in his. “You’re an amazing woman. In time you’re going to want to find the right kind of man. Maybe another doctor or a lawyer. Someone professional. Someone—”

  “I love you,” she said, interrupting. “I don’t want anyone else.”

  He stiffened. The bleakness left his eyes, but she couldn’t read what he was thinking. “You say that now, but it’s because of last night. Eventually—”

  She squeezed his hands, took half a step closer and met his gaze without
blinking. “Eventually I’m still going to love you. Not a doctor or a lawyer or anyone else. Just you. I love you, Tanner. And Lia. I love both of you.”

  “Dammit, Kelly, I’m trying to be noble here.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you deserve better.”

  She gathered up all her courage. Here it was—the moment of truth. Was she really going to say what she was thinking? Was she, for once in her life, going to go for it?

  “Could anyone love me more or better than you do?” she asked.

  She watched him wrestle with his demons. Uncertainty, longing, pain, mistrust, need—all chased across his face. She knew about his past, about the ways he’d been let down. She knew how difficult it would be for him to allow himself to believe that someone was always going to be there for him. She knew about his pride, his strength and the small dark place he kept hidden in his soul.

  He reached out and stroked her cheek. “No one could love you more than I do,” he said hoarsely. “Or better. You are my life, my world. I don’t want anyone else in my bed or my arms. You’re the one I want. For me, for Lia, for the children I want to have with you.” He motioned to himself. “I’m a builder. It’s what I do. Is it enough?”

  He was fiercely intense, his passion and love burning hot inside of him. She loved everything about him. She took his hands in hers once more.

  “You are more than enough—just as you are. You are the light shining in the darkness of my soul, and I am the same for you. I’ve waited all my life to find you, Tanner Malone. Don’t for a moment think I’m going to let you go.”

  He pulled her close and kissed her. The familiar feel of his body was enough to make her melt against him. Nothing had ever been as right as being with him.

  “So when do you want to get married?” he asked.

  She laughed. “Not if, but when?”

  He stared at her. “When,” he repeated firmly. “I’m not letting you get away, Kelly. I love you too much as it is.”

  “I’m guilty of that, too,” she said. “Yes, I’ll marry you. Whenever and wherever you’d like. I don’t care if we have a big wedding.”