Hearing that he’d have been tossed aside once his usefulness was done wasn’t easy to hear. “Just like that.”
“You don’t want children,” she said. “I do.”
He wouldn’t be used. He wouldn’t be discarded. He would, though, let her know where he stood on this.
Sam tipped her chin up with his fingertips. When her gaze locked with his, he said, “If you are pregnant because of that night...you might find that I’m not so easy to dismiss.”
Nine
“Tell me something, Sam,” Mia said, ignoring that last statement as she stared up into his eyes. “Why don’t you want children? Why do you hate Christmas? You never would tell me before, but tell me now.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Consider it part of our bargain,” she said. “Once this ship docks we’ll never see each other again. Don’t you think I’m owed an explanation finally?”
“Maybe.” He stared out at the darkness and she studied the tightness in his jaw as she waited. Finally, after what seemed forever, he started talking, his voice low and dark.
“Christmas doesn’t mean anything to me because it never did,” he muttered thickly. “Decorations...just empty gestures. Like putting a mask over the ordinary to pretend it’s special even though it’s not.”
“I don’t understand,” Mia said softly, though her heart was already breaking a little.
He glanced at her. “My father was busy with his wives, then his girlfriends.” He snorted as if choking out a laugh at his own pitiful memories. “There was no Christmas at my house. No Santa. For sure, no elves. The housekeeper put up a tree and some garland and crap, but it was still an empty house.”
It was so hard for Mia to hear this. To imagine the boy he’d once been, alone and forgotten, watching the world celebrate without him.
“It sounds like the housekeeper tried,” she offered, though she knew it was a lame attempt.
“Maybe,” he said with a shrug. “But all it accomplished was defining the emptiness.” He turned to look at her and her breath caught at the glint of old pain in his eyes. “Garlands and trees and all the other holiday crap doesn’t mean anything to me because it was never special. Never a true celebration, so I don’t have them. But not having decorations up, only reminds me of their lack. So yeah, no winning at Christmas time for me.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way.” Mia reached for him, but let her hand fall without touching him. “We could have made new memories together, Sam.”
“Empty is all I know,” he muttered and looked back out at the ocean. Moonlight peeked out from behind the clouds and painted the foam on the waves a pale silver. “And trust me. You don’t want a man who was raised by my father, being a parent to your kids.”
“You’re wrong. About all of it, Sam.”
He didn’t look at her and maybe that was best for both of them. At the moment, her heart ached for him but she was sure he wouldn’t appreciate any semblance of pity or sorrow. And at the same time she wanted to shriek because he’d given up on them because of things that had happened to him before they’d ever known each other.
“I’m sorry Sam,” she said.
“Don’t want your sympathy.”
“That’s too bad.” Mia reached up and touched his cheek gently. “Because I do feel sorry for that little boy. But now, I’m furious with the grown man.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you let that lonely child decide your whole life. You wrapped yourself in the past so tightly that you can’t even see a future, let alone build one.”
Shaking her head, Mia said, “You should have trusted me, Sam. Together we might have found a way.”
* * *
“This is crazy, Mia.”
The following day, Mia’s mind was still whirling with everything she and Sam had talked about the night before. And dealing with the family at the moment was dancing on her last nerve.
“No, it’s not,” she argued, meeting her twin’s worried gaze. “And it’s really not worth an intervention.” She glanced from her mother to her father to Maya, then sat back and folded her arms over her chest.
Mia loved her family, but sometimes they didn’t make it easy. Maya had invited her to come over for coffee and doughnuts—something everyone knew Mia wouldn’t refuse. But when she walked into the suite, Maya and her parents were at the table, Joe had taken the kids to the snow room and Merry was on the computer via FaceTime.
They all had something to say about her relationship with Sam. But gathering everyone together to form a united wall was a little much, even for them. And all because she’d moved into Sam’s suite.
“Don’t think of it like that, honey,” her mother said and reached over to pat her hand.
“That’s exactly what it is, Mom.” Mia looked at her father. In a houseful of women, Henry Harper had always been the voice of reason. “Dad, you can’t really be okay with this.”
He glanced at his wife, then said, “I don’t want to see you get hurt again, Mia. But it’s your life and you should run it your way. Your mother and sisters just want to talk to you. They’re worried, is all.”
“I’m not.” Merry’s voice came from the laptop open on the table.
Mia looked at her. “Thank you for your sanity.”
“You’re not helping, Merry,” Maya said, then looked at her twin. “She’s in love. Again. And not thinking about what that means.”
Mia glanced at her twin. “I’m not an idiot, Maya. I love him, but I’m not expecting anything from him anymore.” Especially after last night.
Once Sam had told her his secrets, he’d kept his distance from her—just like old times. The walls were down and now he was more defensive than ever.
“That’s where you’re making your mistake,” Merry said and everyone looked at the computer screen.
“What do you mean?”
Sighing a little, Merry said, “Honey, you love Sam. But instead of fighting for what you wanted, you walked away.”
“Um, he’s the one who walked away, Mer.”
“No, honey. You’re the one who asked for the divorce. He just agreed.”
Huh. That was true.
She hadn’t considered it like that before, but Merry was right.
“If you want Sam, tell him,” Merry said.
“And have him say no thanks? Yeah, that doesn’t really sound like a good time.”
“Mia, you don’t know that’s what he’ll say unless you try it. If you love him, say so. See what happens. If he’s not interested, you’ll be no worse off than you are right now.”
Maybe she had a point, but it was a step that Mia hadn’t considered taking. Being Sam’s lover again was supposed to be a short-time thing. She’d gone into it knowing that no matter how good it was, there wouldn’t be a future for them. But what if there could be?
Maya leaned in closer to the screen. “What kind of feminist are you anyway?”
“Oh, stop it,” Merry said, waving that off. “This is love, Maya, and all bets are off.”
“Really? Why would you want a man who didn’t want you?”
Merry laughed. “Since you guys called home to tell me that Sam and Mia are shacking up—I think we can reasonably assume that he does want her.”
Maya grimaced, but said, “Okay, fine. But I don’t trust him.”
“Not up to you.”
“It’s not up to either of you,” their mother said and caught everyone’s attention.
Emma smiled at her husband then looked from one to the other of her daughters. “Your father made me see that as much as I want to protect Mia from being hurt again, it’s not my decision to make. And it’s not yours, either, girls. This is all up to Mia.” She looked at her. “You know your own mind, Mia. You’ll do what’s best for you. And we,” she glanced at everyone else
in turn, “will support you no matter what you decide.”
Quite a concession from her mother, Mia thought, then wished she actually knew what to do. That got Merry speaking again.
“Sweetie, stop thinking so hard and start feeling. Yes, you were unhappy in your marriage and I’m sorry about that. But maybe now, you’re ready to fight for what you want.”
“Why should I have to fight?” Mia asked. “He either loves me or he doesn’t.”
Her mother spoke up then. “Honey, sooner or later, you realize that everything worth having is worth fighting for.”
Mia grabbed a doughnut, took a bite and only half listened as her family continued to argue and talk about her life, without her.
It didn’t matter though, because her older sister’s words were echoing inside her mind. Mia hadn’t really fought for her marriage. Stood up for herself. Demanded that he pay attention. She’d simply given up on ever reaching Sam and had asked for a divorce. Sam hadn’t fought either, but now, she knew enough about how he was raised to know that he wasn’t used to being loved. And maybe she’d done exactly what he’d been expecting her to do all along.
Well, that was irritating. There was just nothing worse than being predictable.
“We’re docking in Hawaii today, Merry,” their mother said. “So we’ll have a few days here and then fly home.”
The trip was moving on. Soon her parents would be gone and not long after that, the ship would be back in Long Beach and this whole interlude would be over.
Mia could either go back to her life not knowing what might have happened if she’d only spoken up. Or, she could take a chance, tell Sam she loved him and maybe get everything she ever wanted.
* * *
When his cell phone rang, Sam looked at the screen, rolled his eyes and answered. “Michael. Everything all right?”
“That’s what I was calling to ask you,” his brother said. “How’re things going with Mia?”
There was a loaded question, he thought. Sam had been up and out of the suite before Mia woke up because last night’s conversation was still running through his mind and he wasn’t in the mood to continue it.
His sleep had been haunted with the kind of images that would probably keep him from sleeping for the rest of his life. Mia. Pregnant with a baby that wasn’t his. Raising kids on her own—unless of course, she married some other guy and then she’d be having his babies and Sam would go on as he had been.
Alone. Wasn’t that better, though, he asked himself. He’d already proven that he couldn’t be the kind of husband Mia wanted and deserved.
“That doesn’t sound good,” Michael said and snapped his brother’s attention back to the conversation.
“Let it go, Michael.”
“Damn it, Sam,” the other man said, clearly exasperated. “This was the perfect opportunity for you to get past what our dear father did to your brain and have a real life.”
Sam scowled at the phone. What he did not need was a pitying lecture from his younger brother. “I have a life, thanks. And it runs just the way I want it to.”
“Alone. Forever.”
“I’m only alone when I want to be,” Sam argued.
“Great,” Michael said. “So you’re going to be a man just like our father. A long string of temporary women coming and going out of your life and not one of them meaning a damn.”
He didn’t like the sound of it, but the truth was, that was what he’d been raised to be.
“Is there a reason you called besides a chance to hammer at me?” Sam demanded.
“Yeah. I wanted to let you know the new Clipper ship is taking shape. They’ve got most of it built out and it looks like they’ll beat their own deadline.”
“Finally,” Sam muttered. “Good news.”
“Even better news? They’re thinking she’ll be ready to take her first passengers in another six months.”
“Good timing. Ready for the summer sailing crowd.”
“That’s what I thought. If this one works as well as we think it will, we should put the next Clipper ship on the routes leaving Long Beach.”
“I think so too. Lots of people would want to take that kind of ship to Hawaii or Panama...”
“And since we agree on that, I’m going to push my luck,” Michael said. “Don’t blow this second shot with Mia, Sam. You don’t want to be Dad, the sequel.”
When his brother hung up, Sam stared out at the sea and told himself that his brother just didn’t get it. But as he stood there at the bow of the ship, watching the waves slash at the boat, an idea began to form in his mind.
It was a damn good idea, too. He hoped to hell it would work out better this time—and he thought that maybe it could.
All he had to do was convince Mia.
* * *
Once they were in port and docked in Honolulu, the passengers fled the luxurious ship to explore the island. Mia’s family was no exception. She watched her sister’s family, along with their parents, take off for a day on land. She hadn’t gone with them, because she needed to see Sam. To decide if she should try Merry’s advice or not.
The notion of risking her heart again wasn’t easy. Living through losing Sam once had nearly killed her. If she allowed herself to hope and lost again...the pain would be so much worse.
Still, it wasn’t in Mia’s nature to give up, so it had cost her to admit that her marriage was not what she had hoped it would be. But she’d finally come to terms with it and now, she was supposed to take a chance again? She didn’t know if she was willing to or not.
“You look deep in thought.”
That voice reverberated throughout her body. Mia’s heartbeat jumped as she slowly turned around to look at Sam. Surprising to see him in khakis, a dark green, short-sleeved shirt and casual brown shoes. She was so accustomed to seeing him in a suit, she hardly knew what to make of casual Sam.
“No business meetings today?”
“No,” he said and moved to stand beside her at the railing. In port, they could watch surfers and day sailors on their little skiffs with jewel-toned sails. The view, complete with huge white clouds and a heartbreakingly blue sky, was like a living painting.
“Where’s the family?” he asked, and glanced around, as if expecting Maya to come growling around a corner.
Mia laughed a little. “They all went ashore. Mom and Dad for shopping, Maya, Joe and the kids to hit the beach.”
“But you didn’t go with them.” His gaze was fixed on hers now and Mia thought that his eyes were an even nicer view than the one she had just admired.
“No, I wanted to stay here. Maybe...” she paused. “Talk to you again.”
Nodding, he leaned his forearms on the railing and glanced at her. “Don’t you think we said enough last night?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted. And that was part of the problem. Last night, he’d let down some of the walls surrounding him and maybe she was hoping he’d open up some more. Really let her in. If he didn’t, would she push? Sex with Sam was wonderful, but it didn’t clear up the situation either, it only confused things further.
“Well.” He straightened up and laid both hands on her shoulders.
Heat swept through her and Mia felt powerless against it.
“Why don’t we go ashore, too?” Sam asked. “Do the tourist thing. We can talk while we go.”
Like they had before on the cruise when they’d met.
“That sounds good,” she said.
“Great.” He smiled at her and took her hand. “Let’s go.”
* * *
Sam took her to every spot they’d visited the year before. From the beaches on the north shore to the shops and restaurants in the city. In the rental car, they were out for hours, and it seemed that once away from the ship, the tension between them slipped away. They laughed and talked as they
had when first getting to know each other and when they stopped for lunch Mia smiled at him and said, “Thanks for this.”
“You’re welcome. But it was for me, too,” Sam admitted. “Seeing you again made me remember a lot of things I forced myself to forget.”
She picked up her iced tea and took a sip. “That’s the difference between us. I didn’t want to forget.”
“Didn’t say I wanted to,” Sam countered. “I said I forced myself to.”
“Why?”
He laughed at that. “Seriously. Why? Because we weren’t together anymore, Mia. Remembering was pointless. Painful.”
“Was it?” she asked. “Painful, I mean.”
He gritted his teeth and chose his words carefully. “Did you really believe that breaking up meant nothing to me?”
“It didn’t seem to bother you,” she said quietly, so that others in the tiny restaurant wouldn’t overhear.
The restaurant was very small and obviously designed to attract tourists as there were grass skirts tacked to the walls and tiki torches along the patio outside. But the servers were friendly, the views were beautiful and the food smelled delicious.
“What would have been the point of indulging pain? It was over,” he said, remembering the look on her face when she’d asked him for a divorce. He’d taken the hit because he’d been prepared for it from the moment they’d taken their vows. Sam was expecting the marriage to end, so pain wasn’t unexpected.
“If you’re so okay with this, why didn’t you just sign those divorce papers the first day I gave them to you?”
Yeah, he didn’t have a ready answer for that question. He wasn’t even sure he knew the reason he’d delayed. A little self-torture?
“Never mind,” she said, waving one hand in the air as if to erase her question. “Let’s just have lunch and enjoy the rest of the day.”
A tiny smile tugged at one corner of his mouth. “You mean, we should enjoy ‘the now’?”
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