Her gaze snapped up to his and she grinned briefly. “Okay, yes. Let’s enjoy the now.”
“Welcome to my world,” he said and lifted his glass of beer in a toast.
She did the same. Then there was silence for a couple of long seconds while Sam watched her, indulging himself by looking into her green eyes and admiring the fall of that red hair. Finally, he heard himself say, “Come to dinner with me tonight.”
She blinked at him and he could see the surprise in her eyes. “Dinner?”
He shrugged, to downplay what he was feeling. “Why not keep enjoying the now?”
Mia looked at him for what seemed forever and he knew she was trying to figure out what he was thinking. He wished her luck with that, because even he couldn’t make sense of his jumbled thoughts at the moment. But finally, she nodded.
“Okay. Dinner.”
And after that, he promised himself, they’d celebrate by doing what they did best.
* * *
“Have I told you yet, that you look beautiful?”
Mia smiled at Sam. “You mentioned it, but thank you. It’s nice to hear.”
She was wearing a sleeveless, sunshine-yellow dress with a short, full skirt and a pair of taupe, three-inch heels. She’d left her hair down and the humidity had zapped some dormant curls into life.
Sam of course, looked gorgeous in a black suit with a white dress shirt and a deep, magenta tie.
And the setting was both lovely and curious. The Sunset Cliffs restaurant was just what the name implied. It sat high on a cliff side with a breathtaking view of the ocean and the beach far below them. The stone patio was dotted with a dozen cloth-covered tables—empty now—that each boasted a hurricane lamp where candle flames danced in a soft, warm breeze.
And at sunset, she remembered, the view was staggering as the sun turned the ocean orange and gold, scarlet and purple. She remembered everything about the night she was last here, a year ago when Sam had brought her here to propose.
She could see it all in her memory as clearly as if it had happened the night before. But she didn’t look at it. Instead, she watched Sam and wondered why he’d brought her to this particular restaurant. She wouldn’t have called him a sentimental man, so why?
Sipping at her glass of crisp, white wine, Mia tilted her head to one side and studied him until he shifted under that steady stare.
“What?”
She shook her head. “It’s just—I’m glad you brought me here for dinner.”
“Best restaurant on the island.”
“And is that why we’re here?”
“No,” he admitted, then shifted to look out at the horizon where the sun was beginning to dazzle. “We took that trip down memory lane today, I thought we should finish it up right.”
That made her sad and happy, which was just ridiculous and a total sign of how messed up she was over this situation. Was the restaurant just a memory to him?
Or was it that he wanted to experience that night all over again? Was there more to his motivation in bringing her here than he was admitting? She’d like to think so, but how could she be sure?
“Well, if you wanted to really relive that night we were here,” she said, with a knowing smile, “there should be other diners at the tables.”
He glanced around, then looked back at her and shrugged. “Buying out the patio just for the two of us seemed like a good idea. This way we can talk and not have people listening in.”
Huh. What was it he wanted to talk about? Was he going to suggest they stay together and have those babies she wanted so badly? Had he realized that life without her wasn’t nearly as good as life with her? Oh, Mia really wanted to think so. And in spite of her efforts to keep it in check, her heartbeat sped up, racing with possibilities.
Maybe Merry was right. Maybe this was the time to tell him that she loved him. That she didn’t really want the divorce. She wanted him. And a family.
“What did you want to talk about?” she asked instead.
He reached across the table for her hand and folded it into his. “I wanted to tell you that these last few days with you have been...”
“... I think so, too.”
“Good,” he said, nodding, keeping his gaze fixed on hers. “Because since last night, when we talked, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things.”
“Okay...” There went her heartbeat again as hope rose within in spite of everything.
The waiter brought their meals and Sam released her hand and waited until the man had left again before he started speaking. “When you said you were going to a sperm bank,” he admitted, “I didn’t like it.”
She hadn’t expected that, so she said, “I’m sorry, but that’s my choice.”
“I understand that.” Sam lifted one hand for peace. “I do. And I get why you’ve decided to do it. But hearing your plan started me thinking and kept me up most of the night. Today, something occurred to me and that’s been racing through my brain until I can’t think of anything else.”
“What are you talking about, Sam?” She held her breath because hope was a dangerous thing. Not enough hope and life wasn’t worth living. Too much and you were setting yourself up for constant disappointment.
Their dinners were ignored as they stared at each other, while the sky went lavender and the dancing candle flame reflected in their eyes.
“I’m talking about what happened the night of the storm.”
Confused, she asked, “You mean when we had sex?”
“Unprotected sex,” he corrected.
Now her stomach jittered in time with her galloping heartbeat. She didn’t know where he was going with this, but she really hoped she would like where they ended up.
“You could be pregnant right now,” he said tightly.
She hadn’t allowed herself to think about the chances of that happening. Because the truth was, she would love being pregnant with Sam’s baby. True that hadn’t been the plan. But if she were pregnant with Sam’s child, she wouldn’t be disappointed. Even if it meant she still wouldn’t have Sam.
“I suppose so.” Instinctively, Mia’s right hand dropped to her belly as if to protect the child that might be there.
“When I realized that, I decided something else.” He paused, reached for her hand again and held on. “You want kids,” he said. “Have mine.”
She gasped. Had she heard him right? Of course she had. She wasn’t deaf. She was just...stunned. Had he brought her back to this special place to propose again? To renew what they’d promised each other a year ago?
“Are you serious?”
“Why not?” He held her hand tighter, as if half-afraid she’d pull away before he was finished. He didn’t have to worry, Mia thought. Now that he’d started, she had to hear the rest of his plan.
“We’re still married, Mia.”
“Yes, but—”
“We’re good together.”
“Okay...” Still confused, still hopeful, Mia told herself to wait. To keep hoping.
“So have my children,” Sam said. “Stay married to me.”
“You want us to be together again? To have a family?”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
“And how will it be different this time?” she asked.
“You’ll have the kids you want.”
Slowly, the air in her balloon of hope began leaking out.
“I will,” she mused. “Not we.”
“Mia, I’ve told you already,” he explained. “I don’t know how to be a father. All I do know, I learned from watching my father and believe me, that’s not a role model you want to emulate.
“I told you some of it last night. Understand that my father was a bastard and his kind of parenting is all I know.”
“You’re not him, Sam.”
“That’s
the thing,” he admitted. “I don’t know if I am or not and it doesn’t seem fair to some innocent kid to take the chance. I’m just not good with kids.”
She hated hearing him say that because it wasn’t true. Mia had seen him with Maya’s children. And the boys loved him. Kids were always good judges of people. If they loved Sam, then he was better with kids than he believed he was.
“Yes you are. Charlie and Chris love you. So do Merry’s kids.”
Sam released her hand and sat back. His gaze stayed on hers. “That’s different. Being an uncle doesn’t require the same amount of patience and—never mind, I’m not going to get into this again.”
“Afraid I might convince you?”
He shook his head. “Don’t make what I’m offering something it’s not.”
“Then what is it, Sam? Be specific.”
“It’s simple. We stay married. You get the kids you want. And we go on as we were before.”
And with that, she thought, the balloon was flat and dead.
“No, Sam,” she said and felt him loosen his grip on her hand. “I can’t do that. What we had was an empty marriage and it almost cut my heart out.”
Frowning, he argued, “Come on Mia, it wasn’t that bad. We got along great. We had a good time.”
“When you were there,” she said softly. “But you stayed away as much as you could. Now you want to go back to the same thing that hurt me so badly? And worse yet, you want to add children into the mix—kids who would have their hearts damaged because their father wasn’t fully there for them.”
A chill dropped across the surface of his eyes. “I would make sure they had everything they needed.”
“Except love.” Mia sighed and looked out at the sunset, sorry to see the glorious colors had already faded and the ocean was going dark. “We missed it.”
“What? Missed what?”
“The sunset,” she said, though her heart was breaking. “We were arguing and we missed the beautiful show.”
“It was a sunset,” he said. “There’s another one tomorrow.”
She looked at him and really hoped she didn’t start crying. She did not want to do that until she was alone and could really give in to it.
“Don’t you see, Sam? Missing that sunset is a metaphor for what our lives would be like if I agreed to your plan.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“If we got back together, doing the same thing that didn’t work before, we’d miss the beauty.”
“What beauty?”
“Of family,” she said. “Of love. Of really being together.”
“Mia...”
“No, Sam, let me finish.” She looked at him, staring into those blue eyes of his until she felt steady enough to say, “I love you, Sam. I always have. Probably always will.”
“That’s a good thing, Mia.”
“It should be,” she agreed. “But I can’t set myself up for more pain when I know that nothing has changed. You still believe that marriage is a nightmare and I still want a family.”
He leaned in toward her. “I can give you that family, Mia.”
Yes, he could, but he didn’t see the whole picture. He would hold himself back from her, and from any kids they had. And that sounded like an empty life.
“It’s tempting, Sam. So very tempting because I love you so much. But I can’t do it. I deserve more,” she said softly. “We deserve more. Don’t you see, Sam? If you had children and never shared yourself with them, then you would be doing exactly what your dad did to you. You say you don’t want to risk being him, but this ...offer, is exactly that.”
He stiffened and she knew she’d struck a chord. “You don’t want that, do you Sam?”
“Of course not.”
“I’m sorry. But I can’t go back to having to fight for any scrap of attention from you. And I will not put my children through that.”
“And that’s it.” It wasn’t a question.
“That’s it,” she said sadly, then she picked up her purse. “If you don’t mind, I’m not really hungry anymore. You stay. I’ll take a cab back to the ship.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” He stood up, called the waiter over, handed the man a couple hundred dollars and told him to keep the change.
They walked out together—but separate—and Mia knew that’s how they would always be.
It broke her heart all over again.
Ten
Sam drove in silence. What the hell could he say? He slanted a sideways glance at Mia and told himself that he’d tried. He’d offered her a life, the children she wanted, but it hadn’t been enough.
The silence stretched on until it became a huge presence. A third passenger in the car, impossible to ignore and just as impossible to address.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Mia clutching her brown leather purse on her lap as if it were a lifeline. She sat poker straight and kept her gaze fixed on the road in front of them.
Man, this day had gone to hell fast.
At a stop light, his fingers drummed on the steering wheel, but he stopped when she said, “I’ll move back to Maya’s suite tonight.”
He cursed under his breath and wished—hell, he didn’t even know what he wished anymore. All he did know was that he wasn’t going to send her back to sleeping on Maya’s couch. They might not share a bed anymore, but there were two bedrooms in his suite. No matter how hard it would be, being around her and not touching her, damned if she would move out.
“No you won’t.” He turned to look at her and found her gaze locked on him.
“Sam—”
“Let me finish.” The light changed and he stepped on the gas. Steering through the traffic, headed for the port, he said, “You can stay in the second bedroom. There’s no reason for you to go back to Maya’s couch.”
“I’ll be fine,” she said, her voice determined.
“Yeah, but why should you have to just be fine?” He shook his head, but kept watching the road. “You can even lock the bedroom door if you feel like you need to.”
“That’s not it,” she argued and he believed her. “I just don’t want to make this harder on either of us than it has to be.”
“Right. But do you really want to talk to Maya about why you’re moving back?”
“No,” she admitted and her body slumped, her head dropping to the head rest. “I really don’t. Not tonight.”
“So stay.” He felt her gaze on him and sighed. “Damn it, Mia, we’re adults. I can be in the same room with you without making a move. And I think you’re capable of saying no, even if I did.”
“I know that. I told you, it’s not about that. It’s just—” She shifted in her seat so she was facing him. “I don’t want it to be awkward between us now, Sam. And staying in your suite, seeing each other all the time, but not being together anymore—not even temporarily—will just make things that much harder to deal with.”
“Relax, Mia. If you can handle it, so can I.” He scowled at the thought, but said, “We go back to being what we were to each other when the cruise started. And when we get to the ship, I’ll sign the damn papers for you. Sharing a suite doesn’t have to be intimate. We’ll avoid each other when we can and that should be good enough.”
Though he was sure as hell going to miss being with her. Having the right to touch her. To hold her.
He already felt the loss of her as he would a limb and the real torture hadn’t even begun yet.
“You’ll sign the papers before we get back to Long Beach?”
He threw a quick glance at her. “Is there any point in waiting?”
“No,” she said softly, “I suppose not.”
“Okay then. This isn’t anything new to us, Mia.” Though it was. Because he had offered her family. Kids. Everything he’d thought—hoped—she’d wanted.
And she’d turned him down. That truth sank like a stone in the pit of his stomach. “We’ll get through it.”
And the silence crept back, settling down between them and this time, each of them hid behind the silence and were grateful for it.
* * *
For two days, Sam was like a ghost, slipping in and out of the suite at all hours and somehow managing to avoid seeing Mia completely. Clearly, he was doing everything he could to make it easier on both of them.
She didn’t know whether to be angry about that or to leave him a thank-you note.
It was hard not seeing him, but it would have been so much harder to spend time with him and know that now, it was truly over. But God, she missed him so much.
“He asked you to stay married.”
She looked at Maya. “Yes.”
“And have kids.”
“Yes.”
“And you said no.”
Mia took a deep breath, turned her head on the poolside chaise and said, “Yes. We’ve been over this a dozen times in the last two days already. For God’s sake, Maya, why can’t you let this go? Can’t you see I really don’t want to talk about it anymore?”
“Well, I’m still stunned. He stepped up, Mia. He agreed to kids.”
“Yes, but he didn’t agree to being part of that family he offered to build with me.” And that still stung.
Ever since Mia had told her family that it was really over between her and Sam, Maya had been doing interrogations that the CIA would have been proud of.
“But you’re still staying in his suite.”
Mia groaned dramatically. “Maya, I beg you...”
“With no fun stuff.”
“None.” Mia sighed. Her twin was not getting past this anytime soon. But then, neither was Mia. And oh, how she missed the fun stuff with Sam. Every time she took a shower now, she remembered being with him, his hands sliding over her skin, caressing her breasts until she was mindless with need.
But strangely, even more than the sex, she missed having coffee with him in the morning. Missed laughing with him. Missed curling up next to him on the bed—until he stretched out his arms and legs in his sleep and nearly pushed her off the mattress. She missed laying out on their private deck holding hands and watching the stars. Missed...oh hell.
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