by Carrie Elks
“I am.” Zoe took a deep breath. “Is he my dad, too?”
“No sweetheart.” Van squeezed her hand. “He’s not.” Zoe’s dad was one of a few guys her mom had been seeing the summer Van was eighteen. Luckily none of them were Johnny Fairfax. Like Van, Zoe had just accepted the fact she didn’t have a father. Van hoped this didn’t shake her up too much.
She’d worry about that later. Once she’d worked out how to clear up this mess.
Becca turned to smile at them both. “I’ll have you home in a couple of minutes.”
“Thank you,” Van mouthed. She needed to get out of here. Away from the scrutiny of the crowd, and the loud vibration of the screen.
And Tanner. Oh god, Tanner.
She couldn’t think about him. Not if she wanted to stay sane. She needed to get home, and make sure her mom was okay. Only then would she let herself wallow.
In her bed. All alone. Without him.
Where she deserved to be.
The road into Hartson’s Creek was empty. Nearly all of the townspeople were at the drive-in, no doubt with only one eye on the screen as they gossiped about her mom’s revelation. Zoe slid her hand into Van’s, her fingers squeezing tightly, and Van squeezed back.
She forced her mouth into a smile. Zoe didn’t need to know any of this stuff. If there was one thing Van knew, it was that her sister needed to be protected the way she never had been. If she managed to do that and nothing else, then it would be okay.
Not great, but okay. Right now she’d take that.
“Here we are.” Becca parked behind Logan’s rental car. “Home sweet home.”
Van looked at the bungalow she’d grown up in. It wasn’t hers, though. It was Tanner’s. What a damn mess this all was.
Zoe was already pulling the door on her side open, running up the path toward the front door. Van followed her quickly, as Zoe wrenched the door open and ran inside.
“Mom?” she shouted out. Van hurried behind her, gathering her red dress in her hands. Their mom and Logan were sitting at the kitchen table, Kim sipping at a steaming mug of black coffee as Tanner’s brother shifted uncomfortably in his seat. As soon as he set eyes on Van, Zoe, and Becca he stood, looking like a man who’d been given a final reprieve.
“Oh, Van,” her mom slurred. “I’m so sorry.” She put her mug on the table, her hand shaking enough to send some hot liquid sloshing over the side. Her chair scraped against the tiled floor as she tried to stand, lurching to the left before walking to Van and hugging her, putting almost her entire weight against Van’s shoulders.
Van stood there, her stomach turning as she tried to decide what to say to her mom. It wasn’t okay. None of this was. She wanted to curl up and pretend that none of this happened. “You should go to bed,” she said, her voice low. “We’ll talk about this in the morning.”
“Do you hate me?” Her mom’s breath caught in a sob. “Of course you hate me. I hate me. You were never supposed to know.”
She was completely aware of both Logan and Becca’s presence in the room. They were kind, more than kind. She knew that. Yet having them here was intensely uncomfortable. Even if they weren’t judging her, she was judging herself.
“Thank you for all you’ve done,” she said to Logan, before she turned to Becca. “You guys can go now. I’ll take it from here.”
“I don’t mind staying if you need any help,” Becca said brightly.
The pure kindness in her eyes made Van want to cry. “It’s okay,” she said softly. “We’ll all just go to bed. Deal with everything in the morning.” She was too exhausted to do anything else. Sleep felt like an escape from the awful reality of her life. One she desperately needed.
Logan stood, rubbing the back of his neck the way Tanner always did, and the simple gesture made Van’s heart ache. “Let us know if you need anything,” he said. “Or I can call Tanner to come over?”
“No,” Van said quickly. “It’s fine.”
“You’re family,” Becca said, giving Zoe a hug. “We take care of our own. We’re always here for you.” She kissed the top of Zoe’s head. “Stay strong, kiddo.”
Zoe nodded.
And then they left, pulling the door closed behind them. Van let out a lungful of air, but it didn’t relax her body at all.
“Come on,” she said, looking at her mom’s tearful face. “Let’s go to bed. We’ll talk in the morning.”
“I’m under strict instructions from Logan to take you home,” Cam said as he walked into the drive-in office. Tanner had been pacing the room ever since Van had walked out. He wasn’t even sure how much time had passed since he’d heard her steps on the metal treds. Ten minutes? Twenty? All he knew was that every muscle in his body hurt.
She walked out on him. Again. God, he wanted to hit something. He raked the hair from his face and looked at his older brother.
“I can’t go. Not until everybody leaves.” His jaw muscle twitched. “It’s my party, remember?”
“Gray and Maddie are going to make sure everybody leaves. You’re too worked up to be of any good here. Let’s just go.”
Tanner strode to the window on the far side of the office. From his vantage point, he couldn’t see the screen, but could see the flashing lights of the movie reflected in the glass.
“Just take me to my place,” Tanner said, his voice full of grit. “I need to be alone.”
“No can do. I’m under instruction. You’re a big guy, but I’m bigger. I think I could drag you if I had to.” Cam shrugged. “Just come home, okay?”
Cam was silent as he drove them both back to their father’s. Cam leaned forward and turned on the stereo in his rental car, cranking it up so the heavy beats filled the space between them. Tanner leaned his head on the window, his jaw still tight as they drove through the exit, passed the cornfields, and into Hartson’s Creek itself.
When they pulled into the driveway of their dad’s house, Tanner climbed out and walked up to the steps, Cam shadowing him as Logan and Becca waited for them on the porch.
Cam gave him a wry smile. “Sorry, dude. Looks like you have a welcoming committee.”
“Come on,” Logan said, as Tanner and Cam reached the door. “I’ve opened a bottle of whiskey.”
“One of yours?” Tanner asked Becca.
“Yeah. A good one. Retails for a hundred dollars.”
He gestured at the kitchen. “In that case, pour away.”
They sat around the kitchen table and Logan poured out four tumblers of whiskey, passing them to his siblings. He lifted his glass and held it out to Tanner. “Congratulations on the opening night,” he said, then took a sip. Tanner followed suit, letting the bitter liquid coat his tongue before burning the back of his throat as he swallowed it down.
“Was Van okay?” Tanner asked when he replaced the empty glass on the table. “And Zoe?”
“Zoe’s fine,” Becca said. “And their mom’s sleeping everything off. As for Van…” she trailed off, shrugging.
“I asked her if she wanted me to have you call her once you got back,” Logan told her. “But she was pretty vehement that she didn’t. From the look on her face I’m guessing something went down between the two of you.”
Another rejection. He was racking them up. Tanner held his glass out, and Logan lifted an eyebrow. “One more,” Tanner told him. “And then I’m heading to bed.”
Once filled, he took another big mouthful of whiskey, swallowing it faster this time. Sighing, he looked up at the three of them, his chest contracting as they all stared back.
“We’re over.”
Cam frowned. “Who’s over?”
“Didn’t you hear anything tonight? Van and Tanner are in a relationship.” Becca sighed. “What were you doing? Stuffing your face with burgers?”
“It’s off season.” Cam shrugged, then lifted his glass to his lips.
“Who ended it?” Logan asked.
Tanner caught his gaze. “She did.” He sighed, remembering their harsh words.
“O
h Tanner.” Becca slid her hand over his. He gently pulled away, making her blink.
“You wanna talk about it?” Logan asked.
Tanner shook his head. “No.” He was certain of that. “I just wanna go to bed and forget any of this happened.”
“You’re gonna have to talk some time,” his brother told him. “You know that, right?”
“Whatever. Not tonight.” The thought of it made him want to hurl.
“Your bed’s still made up,” Becca told Tanner. “Aunt Gina’s old habits die hard.”
“Where is she anyway?”
“With Gray and Maddie. So’s dad.” Logan checked his watch. “They should be back soon. Gray messaged to say they were closing everything up. He and Maddie are gonna drop them off.”
Tanner finished his second whiskey and pushed his glass away. “I guess I’ll head up before they get home.” He couldn’t face having to explain himself to them. Aunt Gina would give him the look that reminded him of his mom. Soft, and concerned and completely guilt-inducing. And for his dad, he didn’t have a soft bone in his body.
He needed to get over this. Forget the way she made him feel. The way she felt in his arms. How for a few weeks it had felt as though the light had been switched on inside his soul again.
“Good night,” he told them. “And thanks.”
As he walked into the hallway, he could hear his brothers and sister talking quietly.
“Should one of us follow him?” Becca asked, sounding troubled. “Maybe he really needs to talk.”
“No, let him sleep.” He was pretty sure it was Logan, though he and Cam sounded almost identical. “He does need to talk, but not after two glasses of whiskey and the night he’s had.”
That was a small mercy at least. As Tanner climbed the stairs, he felt a wave of weariness wash over him. By the time he’d washed his face, brushed his teeth, and put on the sleep shorts he’d left behind in one of the drawers in his closet, every muscle in his body felt like it was about to break down.
But still sleep didn’t come. Not easily, anyway. The bed felt way too empty without her by his side.
Chapter Thirty-One
“I brought you coffee.”
Tanner blinked his eyes open. Logan was standing at the end of the bed, two insulated cups in his hands.
“What time is it?” Tanner croaked.
“Just after six.”
Letting his head fall back against the pillow, Tanner sighed. “Come and see me when it’s actually daytime.”
“The sun is up, there’s not a cloud in the sky. It’s a beautiful day.” Logan pulled the sheets off him, like he used to do when they were kids and it was his turn to wake his brothers up. “Come on, get dressed. We have places to go.”
Groaning, Tanner reached for his t-shirt, pulling it over his head. Logan was wearing dark pants and a white shirt, his hair wet as though he’d showered already. “What’s got you so chirpy?”
“I’m not chirpy, I’m busy. I leave for home tonight, and before I go I need to make sure you’re okay.”
“Can I at least brush my teeth?” Tanner asked, though secretly he was touched at his brother’s concern.
“Be my guest.” Logan grinned. “Though it’ll ruin the taste of the coffee.”
“I’ll risk it,” Tanner told him, walking into the bathroom. He closed the door and took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands before looking at himself in the mirror. It had been along, unrestful night. Every time he felt himself begin to drift off, he’d jolt awake, the memory of Van’s tear-stained face filling his mind, and his heart would race like a thoroughbred until he tried the whole going to sleep thing all over again.
It had taken an act of will not to message her. She’d made it clear she didn’t want to talk to him, both in the office, and again to Logan. He wanted to respect her wishes despite all the questions rushing around his head.
Why did she leave?
Why wasn’t she willing to fight for him?
Why would she give up something so goddamned amazing?
But he knew the answer to all of them. It had been there all along.
Because he wasn’t good enough. And it twisted his guts up so bad.
Ten minutes later, he was sitting next to Logan in the car he and Cam had rented at the airport. His brother hadn’t lied about the morning – it was beautiful. The sky was a deep blue already, the sun as golden as Van’s hair. Through the open windows of the car he could hear birds singing, as Logan turned left from the main road and into the country.
Tanner frowned as he looked ahead. “Why the hell are we coming here?”
“Because I want to talk to you.” Logan pulled the car up right outside the gate. “And this seemed as good a place as any.” He grabbed his insulated cup, and Tanner did the same, the two of them climbing out of the car.
“It’s locked up.” Tanner felt a wave of relief wash over him. The cemetery was the last place he wanted to be. It only held bad memories for him. Of being forced into a black suit. Of Aunt Gina trying to tame his mop of hair with gel and a brush. Of watching a bright white coffin being lowered into the dusty earth, and wondering who was wailing, before realizing it was him.
“We’ll climb over.”
Tanner eyed his brother carefully. “We’re almost thirty, bro. My climbing days are over.”
“Take this.” Logan passed him the insulated mug he was holding, then grabbed hold of the top of the iron railings, vaulting himself over. Reaching through the gaps, he had Tanner pass him the cups. “Come on, your turn.”
“You’re fucking crazy.”
“Don’t swear in a cemetery.”
“I’m not in a cemetery,” Tanner pointed out. “I’m outside.”
“Yeah, well I’m inside and I hear you. So watch your mouth.”
Landing inside with a thump, Tanner took his coffee back from Logan and lifted it to his lips. It was surprisingly good. He didn’t have to ask his brother where he wanted to go – Tanner knew where his mom’s gravestone was well enough. Even if he could barely bring himself to visit her.
He could count on one hand the amount of times he’d been here since he left for college.
“You gonna tell me why we’re here?” he asked once they’d been looking at her gravestone for a minute.
Logan took a sip of coffee. “Because this right here is the motherload, excuse the pun.”
“The motherload?”
“Where all your problems began.”
“Are we back to therapy again?” Tanner sighed.
Logan shook his head. “We’re back to two brothers talking about the worst time in their lives.” He tipped his head to the side, thinking. “Maybe not the worst time for you, but it’s pretty close.”
“Thanks for the reminder.”
“You don’t need reminding. None of us do. The memories are always there.”
“Truth.” Tanner shook his head. “But I try not to engage with them.”
“And that’s your problem. You stuff it all down and think you’re okay. And maybe you are okay sometimes. But piling all your problems up under a rug is asking for trouble. You can tiptoe around it all you like, but that big mound of dirt is still there.”
Tanner breathed in deeply. “It’s old history.”
“Old history that’s messing up your life.”
“What do you want me to do about it?” Tanner asked, his face serious. “Mom’s dead. Nothing’s gonna bring her back. Not me talking about it, or being silent about it. It’s a fact of life. She’s gone.”
“Maybe you can forgive yourself for not being there when she died,” Logan said softly. “That would be a damn good start.”
Tanner’s chest constricted. “I was a fu— I mean freaking chicken. I ran away because I was scared.”
“You left because you were eight years old and had no idea how to deal with Mom dying. And if she was here right now, I think she’d tell you exactly that.”
“I didn’t sa
y goodbye.” Tanner pressed his lips together.
“I know, bro. But she was our mom. She knew you loved her. Heck, you were her little shadow for most of your first five years. You were always the one who made her laugh. She knew, bro, she just knew.”
He wasn’t gonna cry. He hadn’t for years. But his throat was thick with emotion. “I miss her, you know?”
“Yeah.” Logan’s voice was gruff. “I know. We’ve all tried to cope with the pain. Look at me, I never stop working because if I do, I’ll start to think about everything I’ve lost. And Cam, why do you think he wants to win every game he plays, even if he ends up in the hospital? Then there is Gray. The way he dealt with the pain was to face up to dad every time one of them opened their mouths. We’re all messed up, Tanner. But the first step toward healing is to admit we have a problem. You’ve spent your whole life trying to save everybody else because you couldn’t save Mom.”
Tanner blinked. “Who have I tried to save?”
“Van. Zoe. Those guys you worked with who were desperate for the proceeds from your business sale. Let’s not forget about all the times you’d throw yourself between Dad and Gray to stop them from hitting each other. You come riding in like a knight in shining armor because it’s so less scary than trying to save yourself.”
“You think I’m scared?” His thoughts flickered to the previous night. To him accusing Van of being frightened. Surely Logan was wrong. Tanner wasn’t frightened of anything.
“Truthfully?” Logan’s gaze met his. “I think you’re terrified. Of losing Van the same way you lost Mom.”
“I already lost her,” Tanner said. “She’s gone.”
Logan pressed his lips together, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Then his phone buzzed. He lifted it from his pocket and unlocked the screen.
“It’s Gray. He wants us to come over for brunch in a couple of hours.” Logan glanced at his watch. “You up for it?”
“Yeah.”
As Logan tapped out a reply, Tanner turned back to his mom’s headstone, reading the inscription.
Grace Hartson. Beloved wife, mother, and sister. Taken too soon.
Losing her at the age of eight had broken his heart, but there was nothing he could do about that. Losing Van? That felt like having his soul ripped out. But she wasn’t dead. She hadn’t even left town. She was only a few miles down the road, and for the first time that gave him hope.