The Oberon Anthology of Contemporary Irish Plays

by Thomas Conway

  I turn out the big guns then. Boo-hooin’ for mercy. Drip drip on the aunty’s good shag.

  Works a’ coarse.

  He’s all, Oh Fuck.

  Catchin’ his breath or his thoughts or…

  Holdin’ his head like a looper.

  Oh Fuck.

  The accent on ’im.

  Throws himself round the room, Oh-in and fuck-in.

  Simon, I says, Chill out ye sap, it’s cool. And you’d swear I just donated me life’s savin’s to his favourite charity ’cos he’s all grateful. Thanks me, and shakes me hand - the fuckin’ eejit – says he wants to take me into town for a straightner.

  I’d to be at the doctors first thing is the thing, but he’s all – no bother, no bother – says it’s him taking me. Makes no difference if I’m hung over or not, once his Ma’s none the wiser; mum, he calls her.

  So we drive into town and he pays for everything, and we get pallatic on WKD ’til six in the mornin’…and I’d to be up again at nine!

  PAULA enters. She is in her kitchen. She is in a different scene to the two girls.

  STEPH: Is this in London?

  OLIVIA: (Off-stage and in Scene Two.) Paula?

  ROXANNA: No, Leeds.

  STEPH: You lucky bitch.

  SCENE TWO

  PAULA’s kitchen. A voice of a neighbour is heard offstage. PAULA opens her kitchen window wide and leans toward the open space.

  OLIVIA: (Off-stage.) Paula?

  PAULA: Fuckin, what?

  OLIVIA: Paula Lyons, do you think I’ve nothin’ better to do than roar at your bleedin’ kids all day? I won’t have a blade o’ fuckin’ hair left with them.

  PAULA: Playin’ is all.

  OLIVIA: If that shoppin’ trolley passes my window the once more…

  PAULA: Get over it. Fuckin’ curtain twitcher.

  OLIVIA: You get over it; d’you hear me? You get the fuckin’ boat over it. See that trolley…you want the guards called…

  PAULA: You might get more satisfaction out of Tesco love.

  PAULA’s focus changes to her kids playing below.

  Aaron get off that hedge…’cos it’s a hedge! (Pause.) I’m warnin’ ya, do not walk in this flat head-to-toe in muck ’cos I’ll reef ya, d’ya hear me? (Pause.) Fish-fingers, why? (Pause, changing tone.) Ah Aaron, go after Jason before he goes near that road. (Pause.) ’Cos he’s your brother, that’s why!

  Flustered, Antoinette enters with bags of shopping from Lidl. Her fingers are crushed by the plastic.

  ANTOINETTE: Paula quick…me fingers…quick.

  PAULA untangles the bags from ANTOINETTE’s fingers.

  Fuck sake.

  Pause.

  It’s like shoppin’ in bleedin’ Beirut. I swear to god. Lash on that kettle, will ya? I’ve a card of Kit-Kats in one of these bags...

  PAULA is away in her thoughts.

  Paula?

  PAULA: What?

  ANTOINETTE: The kettle? I’m bleedin’ gaspin’.

  PAULA switches the kettle on.

  Passed Jean on the way up. She’s after balloonin’. It’s either twins or cream cakes…I says it to her an’ all: ‘It’s either twins or cream cakes,’ I says. Ragin’ she was. They’d first-aid kits in Lidl, I got ya one.

  PAULA makes tea.

  Roxanna’s home?

  PAULA: (Only half hearing.) What? (Out the window.) Aaron, don’t have me come down to ya…

  ANTOINETTE: Roxanna, she’s back.

  PAULA: Yeah.

  ANTOINETTE: Just saw her cutting across the shops.

  PAULA: Right.

  ANTOINETTE: Not a bother on her.

  PAULA: Right, yeah.

  PAULA and ANTOINETTE sit in silence.

  ANTOINETTE: Bold as brass.

  PAULA: How are you getting home?

  ANTOINETTE: Not going ’til later!

  Pause.

  Bus I suppose. Unless me aul’ fella comes through with a lift – pox bottle. Sooner see me cartin’ fuckin’ shoppin’ and baby on a bus than drop us up the road.

  PAULA: It’s the getting back I suppose.

  ANTOINETTE: It’s the fuckin’ petrol is what it is. Tight cunt. See what he says when he drops Stacey over.

  PAULA: Your Ma has her?

  ANTOINETTE: Don’t talk to me…

  PAULA puts tea on the table. ANTOINETTE tears a packet of Kit-Kats open with her teeth.

  Says she’ll take the bus up in the mornin’. I’ve me carpets coming first thing and ye know yourself, they could be all day fittin’ them and Stacey’ll only be under their feet. So she’s comin’ up anyway. I got a load of biscuits in and ham and all. I even got these Cappuccino’s that you just pour water in to; chocolate powder an’ all. They sound gorgeous.

  PAULA: For your Ma?

  ANTOINETTE: No, you thick, for the carpet fitter!

  PAULA: You on the lookout for a culchie?

  ANTOINETTE: I’d take a culchie over the pricks around here any day.

  Pause.

  Bit of luck me Ma might give me a dropsy for the carpets.

  PAULA: Were you talking to her?

  ANTOINETTE: What? (as in ‘who?’)

  PAULA: Roxanna.

  ANTOINETTE: Crossing the muck with your one Steph. Called her like – little bitch heard me an’ all – kept walkin’ but.

  PAULA: Right, yeah.

  ANTOINETTE: The neck a’ young ones these days.

  Pause. PAULA is preoccupied.

  There’s blacks moved in beside me.

  PAULA: –

  ANTOINETTE: Right next door.

  PAULA: And what?

  ANTOINETTE: What?

  PAULA: Were you in with them or what?

  ANTOINETTE: Waved to her – your one. Nodded back. Didn’t wave or nothin’ – I says I won’t call her a snobby cunt just yet…on account of the fact she’s probably up to her eyes gettin’ her own place sorted.

  PAULA: Everyone’s movin’.

  ANTOINETTE: Rake of kids. Chocolate drops, I says to meself. Sure who else would I be talkin’ ta?

  PAULA: Jean got ’er place, was she sayin’?

  ANTOINETTE: You jokin’? She could hardly get a word in edgeways with the battered sausage hangin’ out of her mouth. Young-one’s a glutton. Like, there does be cravin’s and then there does be pure piggery.

  PAULA: (Lightly.) Shut up you/

  ANTOINETTE: She even pregnant? D’you ever see a fella climb those stairs?

  PAULA: (PAULA calls out the kitchen window.) Jean?! (To ANTOINETTE.) Ask her yourself.

  ANTOINETTE: (Lightly.) Fuck off you!

  PAULA: Jean?!

  JEAN: (Off-stage.) What?

  PAULA: Antoinette wants ye.

  JEAN: What love?

  ANTOINETTE: (To PAULA.) You’re dead. (To JEAN, out the window) Paula was saying you got a place?

  JEAN: A duplex! Was I not sayin’? I was leggin’ it, sorry; starvin’ I was.

  ANTOINETTE: (To PAULA.) Fat cunt. (To JEAN.) You delighted?

  JEAN: (To a child.) Kevin, fuck off away from me for two minutes!! (To ANTOINETTE.) I just can’t wait to have enough rooms to be able to hide from these fuckin’ kids.

  PAULA: (To ANTOINETTE.) I’m surprised the kids are not hidin’ from her.

  ANTOINETTE: (To PAULA.) Hidin’ the bleedin’ food from ’er.

  JEAN: Ran inta your sister there. Was she sayin’?

  PAULA: Haven’t seen her love.

  JEAN: She’s some mouth on ’er.

  PAULA: You’re no saint yourself.

  JEAN: She’s home inanyways?

  PAULA: She hasn’t darkened this door.

  JEAN: Enjoy the peace while it lasts sweetheart. Anyway – I’ll leg it – there’s a packet of Custard Creams starin’ me out of it here.

  Pause.

  PAULA: Did Rox say she was calling over or what?

  ANTOINETTE: Are you deaf or somethin’? I wasn’t talkin’ to ’er.

  SCENE THREE

  ROXANNA and STEPH. Th
e Wasteland.

  STEPH: They don’t even ask for ID. Like, the lads know the bouncers by name an’ all.

  ROXANNA: They sound like muppets.

  STEPH: Ah, they’re a laugh, and it’s town like…beats this shit hole any day.

  Pause.

  They buy me drinks and everything…all night.

  ROXANNA: (Considers.) I suppose. I’ll come out the next time.

  Pause.

  STEPH: Here?

  ROXANNA: –

  STEPH: Did it…hurt…when you did it with Fitzy?

  ROXANNA: When?

  STEPH: The first time.

  ROXANNA: No. Why?

  STEPH: At all?

  ROXANNA: No, it never did.

  STEPH: It’s just that Alan, one of the lads, says he wants to fuck me.

  ROXANNA: Right.

  STEPH: Tonight like. Said it real casual.

  ROXANNA: Right.

  STEPH: I fancy his mate Trevor more, but I want to get it over with ye know?

  ROXANNA: It’s pure easy.

  STEPH considers this.

  STEPH: And what’s the story with Fitzy now, are yiz still doin’ it?

  ROXANNA: Says he still fancies me…even after everything. Says he fancies me more for being so strong.

  Pause.

  STEPH: It’s just that I fancy your man’s mate more. Trevor is his name.

  ROXANNA: So?

  STEPH: I suppose.

  ROXANNA: It’s the experience you want. Fellas want ya knowin’ your way round…

  STEPH: Never thought of that.

  Pause.

  ROXANNA: I was sick all day.

  STEPH: Were you drinkin’ or…?

  ROXANNA: No. Few Breezers is all.

  STEPH: Say it to your Ma?

  ROXANNA: Are you wise?

  STEPH: What about Paula?

  ROXANNA: She’ll only have me tormented about Leeds.

  STEPH: She’s your sister! She cares…

  ROXANNA: ’Still a head wrecker but.

  Pause.

  What does he look like this fella?

  STEPH: Alan? You’d probably say he was bet down. I don’t know. He’s twenty. He’s a job an’ all…so…he’s money like.

  ROXANNA: Well make sure he spends it.

  STEPH: Too right.

  ROXANNA: That’s the trick with fellas; give them nothin’ for nothin’.

  Music rises. Each character inhabits the stage. An introduction of sorts; opening titles. ROXANNA, ANTOINETTE, STEPH and PAULA all stand as music plays over. Last to appear is DAN.

  SCENE FOUR

  PAULA’s kitchen late at night. PAULA, ANTOINETTE and DAN. All are tipsy but not drunk. DAN is a stranger.

  ANTOINETTE: (About her carpet.) It’s like beige all through the hallway and the same in the sittin’ room. Biscuit I think your man called it. Anyway, he was a wreck. He had some lino but, in the back of the van and he says he’d lay that as a nixer, for fifty quid…in the kitchen. I put me sad face on and me Ma paid for it. Fifty wasn’t bad but?

  PAULA: That’s grand in’it?

  ANTOINETTE: He says to me – If the shop is on to you, say nothin’ about the lino. – Proper bogger he was. I told him not to sweat it. I says – Your secret’s safe with me mister. Mortified he was; robbin’ bastard.

  DAN: Is there any booze goin’?

  PAULA: What?

  DAN: A can or a whiskey or somethin’?

  PAULA: It’s not a bleedin’ party you’re at.

  DAN: (To ANTOINETTE.) Is it not?

  ANTOINETTE: I never said party exactly. I said, let us in your taxi.

  DAN: I live the complete other way.

  PAULA: That’s Antoinette for ya.

  ANTOINETTE: Don’t start all that – That’s Antoinette for ya – I won’t be havin’ any of that. Antoinette nothin’…

  Pause.

  Sure lash the kettle on, we have a cup o’ scald now we’re all here.

  PAULA: (To DAN.) Do you want tea?

  DAN: Seriously?

  ANTOINETTE: (To PAULA.) I do. So chop chop.

  PAULA: Don’t get smart with me Antoinette…I’ll scald ya with the cuntin’ kettle.

  DAN: Will I fuck off then?

  ANTOINETTE: Unless you fix washin’ machines?

  DAN: What?

  ANTOINETTE: Paula needs her plumbing seen to.

  PAULA: (Laughs.) Shut up you, makin’ a show o’ me! Inanyways sweetheart – unless me calculations are wrong, your own pipes are a bit rusty.

  ANTOINETTE: You bitch! I’m talkin’ about your bleedin’ washin’ machine. Is it on the blink or wha’?

  PAULA: You what? Me…? Oh – it is yeah. (To ANTOINETTE.) See you…confusin’ me…

  ANTOINETTE: Rusty pipes? The neck a’ you.

  DAN: Right I’ll leg it then.

  ANTOINETTE: Sit down there – we’re only buzzin’ off ya.

  What are we Paula?

  PAULA: Exactly. Don’t be gettin’ your knickers in a squiz.

  (PAULA moves to the fridge.) I’ve a couple of Smirnoff Ice in here somewhere – left over from the Communion.

  ANTOINETTE: (To DAN) Party! What did I tell ya?

  DAN: Do I look like a Smirnoff Ice type?

  ANTOINETTE: No but you look like you’re making your communion, so shut up and sit down.

  PAULA hands DAN and ANTOINETTE a Smirnoff Ice with a straw in each bottle.

  DAN: (About his clothes.) This is all my best gear by the way. Is it that bad? Ah you’s are winding me up. It’s not fair. I’m a bit dozy with a beer on me.

  ANTOINETTE: A bit?

  DAN: (About the clothes.) This is me seriously making an effort. I was trying to make a good impression or whatever…

  PAULA: Were you now?

  DAN: I was out with a girl, wasn’t I?

  ANTOINETTE: Oh my god – you were on a date?

  PAULA: Tonight?

  ANTOINETTE: You were, weren’t ya?

  DAN: Don’t look so surprised.

  PAULA: And?

  DAN: Well I’m sittin’ here, aren’t I?

  ANTOINETTE: You bombed like a sack of shit, did you love?

  PAULA: A date? Cringe.

  DAN: It was going okay. I was being funny, (To ANTOINETTE.) shut up! She was havin’ a good time I reckon. It was a blind date yoke – through a mate at work – one of those… but yeah, we were havin’ fun. I took her for dinner – you know, nothin’ fancy or anything, just a place at the back of a pub and I had the – I dunno – some sort of skewer thing and she had a prawn cocktail thing to start and then she went on to have a Sea Bass and I was thinkin’, you know – that’s a lot of fish – but she had said something about being a part time vegetarian, so maybe she only eats seafood. Anyway it comes to like – just before the bill comes and she – now just before I tell you, I actually don’t care right – but she farts at the table/

  PAULA: What?

  DAN: /and I laughed, ’cos I thought it was funny, or cute – I didn’t care basically – we all do it. But she leapt up out of her seat and legged it to the jacks – and I’m sat there not knowin’ whether I should pay the bill or what, because I know your crowd can be quite sensitive about that, so I waited…

  ANTOINETTE: Go on…

  DAN: Well she comes back and says that she’s sick – like dodgy food or something, and I’m all up for complaining to the kitchen or the waiter or whoever but she’s – Grainne’s her name – she just says that it’s best to be at home if she’s not well…then I say that maybe she just needs to sit on the jacks for a bit. You know, like, trying to be sound – but she was like a rocket then; out the door – no mention of the bill or anything…

  ANTOINETTE: Scarlet Church!

  PAULA: (To DAN.) Sounds like you got blown out.

  DAN: What?

  ANTOINETTE: Dumped, if you will.

  DAN: Ah – I wasn’t that into it anyways. I’ve got trust issues with vegetarians. Part time or otherwise.

  Pause. DAN’s tone cha
nges. He swigs his drink maybe.

  Fuck it I suppose. You win some, you lose some.

  Pause. His tone picks up again. He raises his drink in a toast.

  Cheers.

  The girls clink bottles with DAN.

  Who’s Communion?

  PAULA: You what?

  DAN: The booze…

  PAULA: It was only a few bottles, for anyone callin’ in or anything…

  ANTOINETTE: Little Aaron. Mr Bling. Gorgeous he was.

  PAULA: Get a life you – there was nothin’ bling about him. The bleedin’ height of good taste, so he was.

  DAN: You’ve a kid?

  PAULA: Two.

  DAN: They here?

  PAULA: Out with their Da.

  DAN: Is he due back? I don’t want any trouble.

  ANTOINETTE: Relax – you’ve more chance of catchin’ the Virgin at Knock.

  PAULA: As in – No.

  ANTOINETTE: He no longer – what’s the word for it – ‘resides’ here? That’s it. The fucker no longer resides here.

  ANTOINETTE jumps up to use the toilet.

  Hang on there now ’til I wet me sponge. Say nothin’ ’til I come back right…

  ANTOINETTE exits. PAULA and DAN sit in silence for a second.

  DAN: They’ll be all over this in work now – the news will trickle in via your woman – I’ll be made out to be some sort of insensitive pig.

  DAN burps. PAULA smiles.

  Shit, sorry. It’s this fizzy muck you have me on.

  PAULA: You’re grand. We all do it right?

  DAN: That is exactly what I said! We do all do it – fart away sweet heart – That’s what I should have said. She’d have probably keeled over. I mean in fairness, a fart, who gives a fuck? It’s funny.

  PAULA: It is funny.

  DAN: It’s very fuckin’ funny. And if you can’t laugh then what’s the…? Ah, I dunno.

  Pause.

  She definitely said party you know; outside the pub – I wouldn’t just…

  PAULA: You’re grand.

  DAN: Well I wouldn’t.

  PAULA: It’s okay.

  DAN: I’m just a bit dozy with a beer on me.

  PAULA: Yeah.

  PAULA stands awkwardly. DAN stands and moves to her as if to kiss her.

  What’s this?

  DAN: What?

  PAULA: What are you doin’?

  DAN: I just had it in my head…

  PAULA: Jesus. Fellas! Yiz are as predicatable.

  DAN: Sorry. The drink and the hour.

  PAULA: It’s home time.