The Oberon Anthology of Contemporary Irish Plays

by Thomas Conway

  And there’s nothing queer about that

  I’m a ladies man

  I’m a ladies man

  I’m a ladies man

  And there’s nothing queer about that

  And there’s nothing queer about that

  La La La La La

  You were so soft so uncomplicated

  I loosened your clothing

  My heart palpitated

  I felt so alive

  I felt so elated

  I’m a ladies man

  I’m a ladies man

  I’m a ladies man

  And there’s nothing queer about that

  And there’s nothing queer about that

  I’m a ladies man

  I’m a ladies man

  I’m a ladies man

  And there’s nothing queer about that

  And there’s nothing queer about that

  SCENE 6

  OEDIPUS is barbecuing in the back garden.

  ANTIGONE: Where’s Creon?

  OEDIPUS: I sent him away. To the oracle.

  JOCASTA: Why did you do that?

  OEDIPUS: To find out what’s wrong.

  JOCASTA: But nothing’s wrong.

  ANTIGONE: What do you mean? Everything is wrong.

  OEDIPUS: She’s right. Everything is wrong.

  JOCASTA: Why do you always have to side with your father in these things? There’s nothing wrong. Tell me what’s wrong.

  OEDIPUS: There are problems in this house. That’s why I sent Creon to the oracle.

  JOCASTA: Did you give him money?

  OEDIPUS: Yes. I gave him a few quid. For the bus.

  JOCASTA: Oh no. He’ll be gone for days. You know you really shouldn’t give him any money.

  ANTIGONE: That’s not the answer, you know. Going to the oracle. The solution is only to be found in a just morality.

  OEDIPUS: You’re so full of crap, Antigone. You’re young. You think that you can control the world. Wait till you get to my age. Then you’ll find out that the world controls you. That’s why I sent Creon to the oracle. To find out what it is that’s controlling us.

  JOCASTA: Nothing is controlling us. Nothing is wrong. Except for your own fuck-ups. And you can take responsibility for those without infecting us all with the blame. You’re a fool.

  OEDIPUS: Are you finished?

  OEDIPUS busies himself with the barbecue. JOCASTA takes ANTIGONE to one side.

  JOCASTA: Antigone. Come here. I have to tell you something.

  ANTIGONE: Yes? What is it?

  JOCASTA: It’s about your father.

  ANTIGONE: Yes?

  JOCASTA: It’s about the barbecue. He’s burning the meat. Watch him. He throws on a few sausages. He turns his back and they’re frazzled.

  ANTIGONE: But that’s not such a terrible thing, is it?

  JOCASTA: You don’t seem to understand. I don’t think he can be trusted with meat.

  ANTIGONE: Then you can do the barbecue.

  JOCASTA: The man of the house must be the one to do the barbecue. But your father cannot be trusted to cook the meat properly. This is a dreadful omen.

  ANTIGONE: We could just order pizza.

  JOCASTA: You can’t have pizza at a barbecue. There must be burgers and ribs and sausages and chicken legs. There must be sauces. There must be salads, which nobody remembers bringing, and nobody bothers to eat. There must be ice cold beers in rubbish bins full of ice. There must be paper plates incapable of holding anything. There must be plastic cutlery which shatters very easily. Because all that matters is meat, barely cooked, taken in the hands and ripped from the bone. Now that’s what a barbecue is all about.

  SCENE 7

  CREON returns. He begins to tell OEDIPUS what he learned in Delphi. He is prompted through headphones.

  CREON: What I learned was, ‘Drive the corruption from the land, don’t nurse it in the soil, root it out.’ We all, especially you, have to be honest with ourselves and go into therapy, and get our problems out in the open.

  OEDIPUS thinks for a moment. They look at each other.

  OEDIPUS: Okay. Fuck it. Why not?

  CREON gives him a hug. CREON receives another prompt.

  CREON: There’s one more thing. The oracle thinks we should try to solve the murder of Jocasta’s first husband, Laius. She thinks that would help.

  OEDIPUS: Okay. No problem. Maybe we’ll finally catch the bastard.

  (To himself.) But if he hadn’t been killed, I wouldn’t be here right now sharing his wife’s bed.

  (To CREON.) And besides it’s a good idea to try and find the murderer because whoever killed Jo’s first husband might try and kill me.

  CREON: Absolutely. You’re so right. Finally we can begin a year of living honestly.

  OEDIPUS: That would be great, brother.

  CREON: Yes, brother.

  (They hug.) I think you should know. The people hate you.

  OEDIPUS: What people?

  CREON: All the people. Out there. You know the ones. Hate you. Can’t stand you.

  OEDIPUS: And how do you know?

  CREON: I stayed out there. To see. To check them out. I wanted to see if there was anything out there. For me. I mean, it’s nice here and everything. And I really love you all. Love my family. I mean I really love my family. In a very special way. Even though you’ve totally ruined my life. But I just wanted to get out and see how I would get on with other people. See if I could make some friends. Tiresias thinks I spend too much time with my family. Even though I really love them. Even though they fuck me over constantly.

  OEDIPUS: And how did you get on?

  CREON: Terrible, mostly. People are so awful. I mean, not like here. My family is so wonderful. But out there… Wankers. They hate you, you know.

  OEDIPUS: How can they hate me? They don’t even know me.

  CREON: That’s exactly what I said to them. And you know what they said? They said that that was besides the point. That it wasn’t so much you personally that they hated, but what you stood for.

  OEDIPUS: Really. That’s just – That’s just too much.

  CREON: I really admire you. You’ve got guts. I don’t know how you do it. But I’ll tell you this much, I won’t be going out there again. I don’t need them. I’ve got everyone I need right here.

  CREON kisses OEDIPUS.

  TIRESIAS: He’s mixed up.

  JOCASTA: I know.

  ANTIGONE: What’s going on?

  JOCASTA: Apparently we are all going to enter therapy.

  ANTIGONE: Spare me.

  (Pause.) The dead are spreading death and therapy is going to rescue us. Come with your face aflame with drink and your raving women’s cries and we’ll get to the bottom of this mess.

  ACT II

  SCENE 1

  Everyone is sitting around in a therapy session.

  VOICEOVER: Act Two. Therapy.

  TIRESIAS: Let’s start.

  OEDIPUS: I wasn’t here when all this happened. But I will try and help.

  JOCASTA: We don’t have to tell everyone our shortcomings do we?

  TIRESIAS: Not exactly, just what’s on your mind, really. To get the thing rolling.

  JOCASTA: Oh. I feel embarrassed.

  TIRESIAS: Okay. Why do you think you feel embarrassed?

  JOCASTA: Isn’t it obvious? Being here like this, in front of you all.

  TIRESIAS: Go further. That is not the full reason.

  JOCASTA: I feel embarrassed for myself, I feel a general embarrassment for the whole family, as I am the mother, you see.

  TIRESIAS: Okay. Thank you. Anyone else embarrassed?

  They all put their hand up.

  V.O.: I know. Why don’t you turn the lights off? That might help. Or put on those masks. Then maybe you’ll feel more comfortable when you have to speak about yourselves.

  TIRESIAS: Well if you really want to. I think you are missing the point, though. Isn’t that just further secrecy, murkiness?

  ANTIGONE: Oh. Come on. Let’s try
.

  CREON: Yeah. It’s a good idea.

  TIRESIAS: Okay.

  OEDIPUS: Okay.

  JOCASTA: (Nods.)

  Blackout. They put the masks on.

  CREON: I used to masturbate a lot as a teenager, mostly thinking of Jocasta’s breasts.

  ANTIGONE: Creon!

  JOCASTA: Creon!

  CREON: Sorry. Only joking. Sorry.

  TIRESIAS: So let’s try again. Who feels awkward, let’s say, when we are all having dinner together?

  OEDIPUS: I do. I feel awkward.

  Laughs.

  TIRESIAS: Antigone, can you remember a happy moment? From your childhood?

  ANTIGONE: Let me think.

  (Pause.) No, I can’t. I’d need more time to think.

  TIRESIAS: Are you sure? Nothing at all?

  ANTIGONE: I just can’t think of anything in particular. None of it really stands out. I mean, I’m not saying that it was an unhappy childhood. No. But I can’t think of anything to single out. I’m sorry. I’m bad at this, aren’t I?

  TIRESIAS: That’s fine. We’ll do an exercise. A role play. Creon, you be me. Jocasta, you be Antigone. The rest of us will observe, as if from outside a goldfish bowl. You will ask her to recall a happy memory from her childhood. All right. Are you ready? Go.

  CREON: Antigone.

  JOCASTA: Yes?

  CREON: Tell me something. When and where were you happiest?

  Pause.

  JOCASTA: In my mother’s womb.

  CREON: Thank you.

  Pause.

  TIRESIAS: What did you think of that?

  OEDIPUS: It didn’t hang together for me.

  ANTIGONE: Yes. No. The body language was all wrong. And she spoke too quickly.

  TIRESIAS: It was an interesting answer, though. Wasn’t it?

  ANTIGONE: It was the sort of answer I’d expect from her. Self-serving. Flippant. Pat.

  TIRESIAS: Do you think she tried to understand you?

  ANTIGONE: No more or less than usual.

  TIRESIAS: What did you think of him?

  OEDIPUS: He was good. I liked the eyes especially.

  CREON: Are we finished? Can we speak?

  TIRESIAS: Yes. How did you find it?

  CREON: It was very intense, being you.

  TIRESIAS: Yes. I know. I’m a very intense person.

  JOCASTA: I really feel that I got something out of that.

  TIRESIAS: Good. That’s great.

  ANTIGONE: Why can’t I think of a happy memory? I’m useless.

  TIRESIAS: Antigone. Relax. Don’t forget. The person is not the problem. The problem is the problem.

  ANTIGONE: I suppose.

  TIRESIAS: Now. Let’s go again. This time, Oedipus, I want you to be Antigone. And Antigone, I want you to be me. The rest of us will observe. All right. Are you ready? Go.

  ANTIGONE: Antigone?

  OEDIPUS: Yes, Tiresias?

  ANTIGONE: What is the happiest that you have been?

  OEDIPUS: When I was a child.

  ANTIGONE: Tell me about it.

  OEDIPUS: I can’t remember much about it. There was just the sense of profound happiness. It’s slippery. The more I try to remember it, the more it recedes.

  TIRESIAS: Can we have the lights back on now, please?

  The lights go on.

  CREON: I think this is stupid.

  TIRESIAS: Thank you for that, Creon. Your opinion is valued.

  CREON: This is really fucking stupid.

  TIRESIAS: Thanks for that, Creon. We already had that point.

  Let someone else speak.

  CREON: You are not playing drums in our band.

  TIRESIAS: Percussion. I play percussion. There is a difference.

  OEDIPUS: Can I just say how happy I am that everyone came along today?

  CREON: So fucking stupid.

  OEDIPUS: I thought that we needed to get together to talk about the plague.

  CREON: There is no plague.

  TIRESIAS: It might be helpful if we go around the room and everyone explains what it is that they mean by the plague. Let’s start with you, Jocasta.

  JOCASTA: I don’t know. I suppose that yes, it’s there. But it’s nothing major. It’s just like you’re feeling a little tired all the time. A little resigned. Like an interesting prescription medicine. I don’t have a problem with the plague. I think he’s the one with the problem.

  TIRESIAS: Let’s not get into value judgments just yet. Creon?

  CREON: This is stupid. I’m fine. There’s no problem. So what if I get a little upset from time to time. It’s no one else’s business. Are you saying that I have a problem? Stop looking at me. Leave me alone. I didn’t do anything. So what if everything is fucked up. Everything always fucks up, eventually. That’s just the way things go. So what if I get a little hurt from time to time. Wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you if it was fucken you?

  TIRESIAS: Thank you, Creon. Antigone?

  ANTIGONE: It’s a moral illness. It’s symptomatic of a failure in morality. Like a life support machine in a power cut. The emergency generator is running down. The first organ to go is morality. What will be next? Sanity? The plague is a symptom of a greater disease. None of you care any more, do you? About what’s going on beyond? About what’s happening outside your airless cocoon? All the oxygen of decency has been sucked out, and you just keep on going. Bacteria. That’s all you are. Bacteria.

  TIRESIAS: And you, Oedipus, what does the plague mean to you?

  OEDIPUS: I don’t know. I don’t really have a clue. It doesn’t really affect me. But it saddens me to think of you suffering under it. I’m the head of the household. I can’t be running a plague-ridden household now, can I? So we need to sort it out. Don’t you agree? That it’s a bad thing?

  TIRESIAS: It’s really for you to decide. What does the plague mean to you?

  OEDIPUS: It’s – It’s a sort of a sadness, I suppose.

  TIRESIAS: Thank you. Thank you for that.

  V.O.: Why don’t you take a short break.

  (Beat.) And play a game to help you relax.

  TIRESIAS: We’re going to play a game of wink murder. Everyone sit in a circle and close your eyes. I’m going to choose the killer by touching one of you on the shoulder. Then when I tell you to, open your eyes. If the killer winks at you, then you’re dead. If you guess who the killer is, put up your hand and say their name but if you’re wrong, you die. Okay. Everyone open their eyes.

  OEDIPUS is the chosen killer, and proceeds to dispose of everyone, except TIRESIAS, who can’t see him wink.

  TIRESIAS: Oedipus is the killer.

  End of game.

  OEDIPUS: You seem to have all the answers. What’s going on?

  TIRESIAS: I think you already know the answer to that question.

  OEDIPUS: What are you talking about?

  TIRESIAS: Don’t play dumb. You’re such a bad actor.

  (Beat.) Any bad memories? Anyone? Anyone?

  JOCASTA: Not really.

  ANTIGONE: I have to go.

  JOCASTA: Please stay, we’re only just getting started.

  ANTIGONE: Don’t fucking touch me.

  (ANTIGONE storms out. She returns.) I just want to be left alone. Get off my back. I just want to be left alone like any normal teenager.

  CREON: If you mention the plague again, I’m going to be sick.

  OEDIPUS: I think that’s the point right there.

  CREON: I’m too lazy to talk. What does that make me, then?

  TIRESIAS: Tiresome.

  OEDIPUS: You’re spoilt.

  CREON: What do you care? Are you an oracle?

  JOCASTA: Sometimes there are no words…

  TIRESIAS: Anyway, there are some interesting points there for us all to consider.

  JOCASTA: I’m talking. I’m talking. It might be nice to finish a sentence from time to time.

  TIRESIAS: Of course. Sorry. Please continue.

  JOCASTA: I can’t. The moment is gone…

>   OEDIPUS: Well, I’m quite outgoing.

  JOCASTA: He butts in, so sneaky, as if his sentence is better than mine. He thinks he rules this house and he doesn’t. Every time I breathe he’s next to me, it’s suffocating, very, very draining.

  OEDIPUS: I don’t really understand women, that’s my problem. I don’t know how to look after them.

  TIRESIAS: But you got on very well with your mother, you told me.

  OEDIPUS: I know. But that’s different. I mean, stranger women. Women that I bump into.

  TIRESIAS: Oh.

  Pause.

  OEDIPUS: Why can’t you tell me what happened twenty years ago when I first came here?

  ANTIGONE throws a full milk carton to the floor making a beautiful ‘don’t-cry-over-spilt-milk’ painting.

  JOCASTA: What’s going on?

  ANTIGONE: Sorry.

  JOCASTA: It’s okay. I’ll clean it up.

  TIRESIAS: I think it would be better to concentrate on now.

  OEDIPUS: You’re all driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?

  TIRESIAS: Can I suggest some visualisation techniques.

  Sometimes it helps to write yourself a letter.

  OEDIPUS: I’m sorry. I can’t…

  (Writes something, privately.) ‘Dear Oedipus…’

  (Stands up, reads what he has written.) ‘I am going to track down Laius’s murderer. I’ll fight for him as if he was my own father.’

  TIRESIAS: Really. That’s magnificent.

  OEDIPUS: How could you leave the crime unsolved so long? What’s wrong with you all?

  CREON: We tried to find out but all we got were useless rumours.

  OEDIPUS: What were the rumours?

  CREON: That Laius was killed by strangers, traveling on the same road as him. Somewhere near a crossroads.

  OEDIPUS: Brilliant work, Creon. But no one can find the murderer…

  CREON: If anyone can, Tiresias can. They say, ‘The truth lives inside him.’

  OEDIPUS: Is that what they say? Okay, tell me. We are in your hands. Save us. Rescue us from everything being infected by the dead.

  TIRESIAS: How terrible it is to see the truth. It’s so painful.

  OEDIPUS: Why are you so morbid?

  TIRESIAS: I want to go home.

  OEDIPUS: Why do you want to hide the truth?

  TIRESIAS: Why dig up all this now?

  TIRESIAS gets up to leave.

  OEDIPUS: Please, if you know something. Tell us.